All About Autism

[sharonkhoo]

meltembaga\" post_id=\"1998482\" time=\"1602466038\" user_id=\"188868:

Hi all, my son was diagnosed with ASD when he was in his P6 just before his PSLE. He did managed to do well enough to go to a good neighborhood school for Sec 1 NA. Now it is coming to the end of his Sec 1 and I fear he may not be able to promote to Sec 2. I thought since he is in Sec 1 now, I would not check his work (he also voice out he wants to handle by himself). But when he was about to sit for his end of year exams, I went through his worksheets and realised many were undone. I then found out that he could not catch up with his class lessons. Furthermore, his class is very noisy and my son does not like noise so he ended up going to toilet often to get away from it (but we have now talked to him and he says he understands class noise is inevitable and is okay with it). Besides that, socially he is quiet and have only a few friends in class.

You sound as if you have decided on Pathlight? If you haven't, and want to give mainstream another try, you could do so as it seems your son could probably manage, if given enough guidance and supervision. There are 2 schools of thought about whether to stick to mainstream or to go for more support.

My older girl was diagnosed as Asperger's but has been in mainstream all the way (now in university). There was no Pathlight option for her as we were overseas till she was 16.

My daughter had to supervised all the way, but with decreasing intensity. I think just stopping when your son went to Sec 1 (whatever he wanted) was probably not helpful to him. If you are willing to supervise more, he may be able to manage. And if you set up routines and good habits he can take charge of himself, you can gradually relax - but it has to be gradual!

Noise - my daughter learned to tune out noise. Maybe your son can too? Or use ear plugs sometimes? It does mean that they miss out on info, so my daughter always has to check with classmates, or rely on written info, chats etc. Even in university she misses out on things. But she has managed without any major issues.

Social - they are what they are. My daughter has hardly any friends either.

I'm not saying Pathlight is not a good choice. Just saying that mainstream may still be possible.

[meltembaga]

We called Pathlight and they said to submit the documents etc but doesn’t mean can get in. Currently his class size is 40. Good thing is he has stopped going to toilet to get away from the noise in class after we explained to him to ignore the noise.


Today he got back his results and surprisingly managed to pass all his subjects including Maths express. I agree probably I should not have let go just like that in Sec 1 and thought he can manage already. Ended up he "hide" his work from me till the last minute when I found out. So we spoke to him today about the consequences of doing last minute studying (he only sat down to study on the last few days before his exam). We told him that he is very lucky to have passed. Since he has been given a 2nd chance, he must learn to treasure this and don’t repeat the same mistake again. He understands now. Going forward Sec 2, I will supervise him and slowly ease out gradually if he can manage later.

In class, he only has a few friends. On some occasions, when he does not know what homework, he will whatsapp call/message them to check himself.

After discussing with my hubby just now, we have decided to let him continue in his current school for Sec 2 but I will supervise and guide him. It will be more work but hopefully he will be able to be independent in the near future. One other reason against going to PL is the distance from our place. It will take 1 hour one way so 2 hours a day of travelling may be too taxing on him. Already at his current school, he does not want me to fetch him to school so he insisted on taking the bus himself as he says he is big already. Once I still remember he walked back home himself because his card had no more money. Luckily it is only 3 bus stops away.

May I know how did you let your child know she is on the spectrum? We have not spoken to him yet as we are unsure when is the right time to let him know. And any therapy/counselling that you give to your child when she was a teenager? Sorry I have not tried any and don’t know where to go. So far he has only been relying on the AEDs in his schools. I am also concern how to help him to be able to socialise with others. Any suggestions or is there any groups that can help him improve his socialising?

[sharonkhoo]

meltembaga\" post_id=\"1998553\" time=\"1602507448\" user_id=\"188868:

May I know how did you let your child know she is on the spectrum? We have not spoken to him yet as we are unsure when is the right time to let him know. And any therapy/counselling that you give to your child when she was a teenager? Sorry I have not tried any and don't know where to go. So far he has only been relying on the AEDs in his schools. I am also concern how to help him to be able to socialise with others. Any suggestions or is there any groups that can help him improve his socialising?

Your son sounds more \"neurologically typical\" (i.e. \"normal\") than my daughter! She's in her 20s, and manages most things herself, but anything that is new or different will make her anxious, and she often doesn't cope so well in handling such issues, then she will just not do anything. So we have to be watchful and ask frequently - she will then tell us if anything confuses her or she is \"stuck\". Otherwise, she rarely does, then gets into trouble.

We started telling her when she was about 10, just in general terms that her approach to many things was different from a lot of other people. At that time, we just wanted her to understand that we were teaching coping strategies that other kids (like her sister) didn't need. We didn't give her the details of her diagnosis till she was 14 (which was when we had her formally diagnosed). Until then, we knew, but didn't go for formal testing. She has not had any formal counselling or therapy - we have handled everything ourselves. We realised that she was \"different\" from the time she started school, and I've done a great deal of reading up, and learning about helping strategies which we implemented at home. We were overseas and had little access to help, anyway. I was a SAHM until she was 17, which meant I was at home with her most of the time. I doubt AEDs in school can do very much as they don't spend that much time with the child - whatever they teach/advise needs to be continued at home.

The lack of social skills is something we have come to terms with. The basic disinterest is something that is innate, but we specifically teach social skills for school, work and other settings, enough so she copes OK and doesn't seem too \"odd\". But young people are unkind - there will always be those who make fun, exclude etc. My daughter doesn't care much unless it affects her ability to do her work (e.g. project work), so we teach her how to manage such groups and interactions. We generally teach her when something crops up, rather than have a \"syllabus\". There was a set of videos which we got her to watch. Let me see if I can remember what it was called.

The main thing is to encourage 1-to-1 or small group social contact (they don't usually like big groups) with people who are kind and more accepting. They need to be explicitly taught what is appropriate and not, how to start or continue conversations, and told that they must show interest in other people and their interests, not just their own. We encourage our daughter to have 1 stable group, in church, where the people know her and are accepting of her quirks. And she has a sister who looks out for her (except she is now overseas).

Added: I can't remember the videos we showed my daughter, and it was years ago, so probably discontinued. But I came across the website below. I haven't watched any of the videos, but they might be useful to you. And you can google on \"ASD teens\" and see what you find. Some will be directed at parents, and some at the kids themselves.
https://raisingchildren.net.au/autism/communicating-relationships/connecting/social-skills-for-teens-with-asd

[meltembaga]

Thanks for your reply. I will read up more on this and see how we can incorporate them at home to help him. Our first hurdle is to break the news to him gently.

[zac's mum]

“ You are your child’s biggest advocate. How you see autism is how they will see autism.”


I personally think this article gives some good tips on how to explain to the child:

https://www.themomkind.com/explaining-autism-diagnosis-child/

I don’t think you have to magnify the difference between him and others. All of us are unique. And ASD is such a wide spectrum. Maybe you can start with saying what the doctor’s opinion was and ask what he thinks about it.

The label does not really matter in his case as he seems to be coping ok in mainstream school. But you can frame it more like “let’s work on figuring out social cues, I know it’s hard for you” rather than “this is your diagnosis/disability”.

[Estéema]

meltembaga\" post_id=\"1998593\" time=\"1602564455\" user_id=\"188868:

Thanks for your reply. I will read up more on this and see how we can incorporate them at home to help him. Our first hurdle is to break the news to him gently.

I wld suggest adopt slmkhoo’s stance - tell yr child in general terms how some things he does wld mean he’s diff fr his peers but it just means he’s special to you as parents.

Then encourage him to use special strategies u’ve picked up & encourage him to use that to cope & navigate his day-to-day in school or other settings with other teens. Teach him some self-resilient phrases & responses (“no thank you, I’m doing fine”; “Please allow me to handle” [read on my own, finish my meal, etc]; “ I do not like that, please do not do that to me again, I forgive you”, but if it doesn’t stop teach him to say “If u continue doing unkind acts like these to me, I’ll hv to raise it to the adults [teacher,Principal, mum, dad] etc... When you engage him at home, any achievements of studies, attitude towards parents, relative or cousins and project he undertakes reasonably well,
give him a gentle approval or praise. Raise his confidence mindfully. It’ll grow in him. No need to pin any special needs label on him.

I’ve taught a few young boys but in my presence when I spotted the bullying at a distance. I did not hv eye-contact with the bully at first, but gently asks the victim what had transpired & after he had related, I taught him exact words to use & pointed for him to say it directed to the bully in my presence. He did that in the presence of myself & other boys. Then I turned to the bully & get home to acknowledge it wasn’t a kind act esp when they’re growing up as peers & frds and to apologize.

The bully had mild autism (his older brother was diagnosed with autism) but I’ve nvr used any labels on him or feel any need for his parents to label or inform his condition at his young age. He has turned out well now.

Since then, this group of boys will behave respectfully to each other. Best news for me was the victimized special child had grown to be a more assertive young teen & the bully had learnt to be more focus and mindful in the things he undertakes & his friendships. They’re all now 15-year-olds.

Hope your child gets the best support from you & your family. With a firm, secure footing at homeground, I’m sure he’ll be well equipped to face the ‘treacherous’ world he thot it to be, if u let him go face it on his own gradually.

[sharonkhoo]

meltembaga\" post_id=\"1998593\" time=\"1602564455\" user_id=\"188868:

Thanks for your reply. I will read up more on this and see how we can incorporate them at home to help him. Our first hurdle is to break the news to him gently.

As others have said, you may or may not want to use the actual \"ASD\" word. It depends on how you think your child will take it - will he feel demoralised? Or feel relieved?

For my daughter, we didn't give it a name till she was 14 and we felt she was mature enough to accept it. But long before that, we had already told her that she was \"different\" - trying to use a matter-of-fact tone. We would point out, using ourselves as examples, that everyone has some differences: mummy won't run, hates loud noises, avoids crowded places...; sister gets bored really fast, hates being alone, makes a lot of noise... and that each one of us has ways to cope (mummy walks instead of runs, uses ear plugs if its too noisy, shops on weekdays... you get the idea!). So she accepted that many of the things we asked her to do was to help her cope with things that made her uncomfortable, but that she couldn't avoid.

Help him accept himself for what he is, and really believe that \"different\" doesn't mean \"worse\". My daughter may be weak at Maths, but she is good with words. She may not do well at exams, but she is a diligent worker. She may not be very social, but she is kindhearted. We intentionally look out for these things so we can encourage her when she isn't coping too well in school, or when people aren't very nice to her.

There will come a time when he will need to learn to advocate for himself. But I think that won't happen till maybe 16, 18? Our policy has usually been to let the school know by giving them a copy of the diagnosis, especially key people like principal, form teacher, school counsellor, etc. I will usually write an email to each new form teacher, at the very least, with a brief outline - she can drift into her own world, can be overwhelmed by too much interaction... and a few suggestions - put her near the front, let her read a book for a while to calm down... At the same time, we teach her coping strategies that she can implement, or teach avoidance strategies (don't sit in the noisiest part of the canteen, always have a book in your bag, avoid the nasty people, etc.)

But we ask that the school staff don't make a big deal of it unless my daughter runs into some kind of big trouble. As far as possible, we ask that they treat her like everyone else, with just a bit of leeway to help make things easier if she needs it. Our experience is that teachers will always forget, and parents may need to step in now and again, but we try to talk to them as asking for help, not accusing them of forgetting. In fact, we feel that the fact they can forget means that our daughter is actually managing quite well!

Once in a way, when my daughter runs into a difficult situation, while we ask her to speak to a teacher or whoever to try to explain her difficulties (we will coach her at home as to what to say), and may need to use the \"ASD\" word, I may also write an email to add my explanation of why she finds something difficult. It does help to smooth things over. You'll have to play it by ear how involved you need/want to be.

Hope this helps.

[sharonkhoo]

Just to add: I find it helps to show the teachers that parents are aware of the difficulties of handling "different" kids when they already have a class of 40 to cope with. And I always tried not to add to the teachers’ workload - they are already quite overloaded! Mostly I asked that they be aware, and intervene only when needed, and in easy ways - allowing my daughter a bit of quieter time, or putting her in a group with more accepting classmates, not excluding her or singling her out too much, etc. I know they don’t have the training or capacity to also act as therapists or coaches (though 1 or 2 have gone out of their way to do a bit more, and we are very grateful). And I let the teachers know that they can call me any time if there are issues or if they have any feedback that they think I should know about. Not all teachers are sympathetic (and we’ve met a few who are not), but most will at least accept the situation, and some will see parents as partners in educating such kids.

[Jenchoo]

Thanks all for the advice and suggestions. So far I have informed the form teacher at the start of school. Throughout the whole year she has not reached out to me to inform of any problems. I have not checked in with her as I understand they have 40 students to handle. The only teacher that SMS me once in a blue moon is his maths teacher to inform that he has not done his work and I will ensure he does it. My son is the quiet type so he tends to be a "good" boy to teachers. Even last year in P6, he received the Edusave Award.


He handles things himself. Example once he went to school without his mask. He told me when he reached his school, he suddenly realised when he touched his face. So he quickly went to the toilet instead of his class. He was fortunate that a boy in the toilet noticed and offered him a spare mask. However when the boy was speaking to him, he recalled that I had put a spare mask in his bag months ago. So he declined and wore his own spare mask. I am proud that he could find his own way to solve the problem.

I will try to break it to him slowly and see how it goes. I just dont want him to feel inferior or that he is any less "normal" than other kids. That is my dilemma in letting him know. But if I want to bring him for any therapy or counselling, I will need to let him know soon. Right now, I don’t know what therapy or counselling is suitable for him and where I should start. Some say go polyclinic.

[Jenchoo]

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