Living in Singapore
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I think the best that any parent can do is to try to meet our kids’ friends. Don’t have to be pally with them but at the very least try to have your kids bring their friends over a couple of times. DS told me about some of his friends and their vices, underage drinking, vaping, online g@mbling, sex, etc. And most of these were done in their own home right under their parents’ noses in fact their parents seem to condone it. Most will say these fellas are bad influence and bad character. But DS assured me that he knows not to follow their vices and just because they have some bad habits, that does not make them bad people. He did say he will avoid a couple of them cos they have such vices and will pressure others to join in in their vices. Those he says he avoids.
DD has matured a lot and I think now that she is able to manage her emotions better, she is picking better friends. Throughout her school life there has been many whom she thought were good friends but turned out to be Bitches with a capital B. DD is the kind who jumps in with 2 feet and will get into the thick of things, so she gravitated towards people who tend to be popular with lots of things happening around them and most are just fair weathered friends.
In any case, with both of them, I told them what other people’s parents allow their kids has got nothing to do with us. Each family have their own values and believes. Some may seem cool, others even draconian. That is for each family to navigate. I too believe that no one person is completely good or completely bad. There will be areas in which their values and believes resonate with us and areas that do not. So main thing is know where to draw the line. All these, they will only learn as they meet and encounter all sorts of people. -
Maybe in my own way I am brainwashing my kids. I have a few cousins who are only child. Also have a few relatives who remained unmarried or were childless though I would say it was not by choice.
We were brought up in a very close knit family. So DD and DS saw how me, my sisters n our cousins got together to take care of our widowed n childless uncle and also how we pitched in to help another cousin whose father has been diagnosed with cancer. My widowed uncle has no one left except for us nieces n nephews. As much as we can pitch in n help, ultimately, our own family and parents will take precedence. If he had children then maybe he will not be so alone. As for my only child cousins, I did share with dd n ds, the stress is all on them, we cousins can pitch in here n there but how many families can be like that, especially given our society now, smaller families, people moving abroad or travel extensively for work. People may move back home for their ailing parents but how many will do that for an ailing relative.
There will be those who will say it’s ok, can have active social live, have lots of friends, but it’s still different, immediate family and friends. -
lee_yl\" post_id=\"2130766\" time=\"1710561287\" user_id=\"17023:
I am sorry because the word \"brainwashing\" strike my alarm clock and made me agitated.
If that were true, we won’t see so many love scam cases nowadays.
I hope some sensitivity could be exercised when writing in this forum. How would you like it if I were to say, my children are so lucky since they don’t have to live through a divorce to be brought up by a step-parent?
From my whole life, my mother kept on saying \"As your mother, I have the responsibility to guide you this or that....\" from which school I want to study, what kind of CCA, going for Art or Science stream, what kind of clothing, what colour of clothing, what type of friends I should get along with. What type of dentist surgery, what kind of work should I go for, which area should I buy my HDB house, what kind of husband until now whether to divorce with DH. She always said she would like me to be good.....and hope her principles will always on my mind. She is very smart and use lot of strategies to \"handle me\". However, I am a human being, not dog or cat...I have my own thinking and my preference and what I want to achieve for future. It is my life not her life. Some mother sacrifice their career and become a SAHM but there are also mother abandoned their toddlers to pursue their future. It is personal choice.
Ask your kids, do they like to be brainwashing by their parents or stay with someone....having a strategies on them. I am not opposed kids forming their families and raiseing kids. What I disagree is to repeat brainwashing others people so that they will follow our thinking.
If today, you go to IMH, you will find most of those youngsters who have emotional issues - are having a great parents who wants to \"guide\" them to achieve success in life. -
Liew Nga Wing\" post_id=\"2130816\" time=\"1710674322\" user_id=\"195250:[quote=\"Liew Nga Wing\" post_id=2130816 time=1710674322 user_id=195250]
No choice, when I see something is wrong, I have to voice it out before it’s too late. It’s like when we see the kids addicted to handphone games, we have to remind them of the consequences.
I am sorry because the word \"brainwashing\" strike my alarm clock and made me agitated.
From my whole life, my mother kept on saying \"As your mother, I have the responsibility to guide you this or that....\" from which school I want to study, what kind of CCA, going for Art or Science stream, what kind of clothing, what colour of clothing, what type of friends I should get along with. What type of dentist surgery, what kind of work should I go for, which area should I buy my HDB house, what kind of husband until now whether to divorce with DH. She always said she would like me to be good.....and hope her principles will always on my mind. She is very smart and use lot of strategies to \"handle me\". However, I am a human being, not dog or cat...I have my own thinking and my preference and what I want to achieve for future. It is my life not her life. Some mother sacrifice their career and become a SAHM but there are also mother abandoned their toddlers to pursue their future. It is personal choice.
Ask your kids, do they like to be brainwashing by their parents or stay with someone....having a strategies on them. I am not opposed kids forming their families and raiseing kids. What I disagree is to repeat brainwashing others people so that they will follow our thinking.
If today, you go to IMH, you will find most of those youngsters who have emotional issues - are having a great parents who wants to \"guide\" them to achieve success in life.[/quote]
I once asked my grandma if I scold my kids when they did wrong, would they bear grudges against me? My grandma replied no lah, when they grow up, they will understand.
Only after I sat down and coached my kids then I realized my FTWM mum had to juggle both, is very 伟大. So we should encourage our kids to have children, then they will better appreciate us, the mothers. -
lee_yl\" post_id=\"2130819\" time=\"1710677926\" user_id=\"17023:
Not all kids are susceptible to \"brainwashing\". All children are different. Some are more strong-willed than others. Some will only learn from personal experience.
No choice, when I see something is wrong, I have to voice it out before it’s too late. It’s like when we see the kids addicted to handphone games, we have to remind them of the consequences.
I once asked my grandma if I scold my kids when they did wrong, would they bear grudges against me? My grandma replied no lah, when they grow up, they will understand.
If your teenager listens to you, you should count your blessings. Unless it merely delays their teenage rebellion stage till they are in their 20s. Then good luck to you.
There is no one right or wrong way. It depends on the child. -
All parents "brainwash" their kids - it’s just a matter of the term used. Teaching them that they should be polite and considerate is the same activity as telling them that they should study medicine or that they should have 2.1 kids.
The amount of control the parent tries to exert is probably the issue, especially if the parent continues to be very directive and controlling even when the child is already nearly adult. And if the child’s values and the parent’s differ, that can be a source of contention too. But a parent who avoids all brainwashing, especially of young children, would be deemed negligent by most. -
lee_yl\" post_id=\"2130819\" time=\"1710677926\" user_id=\"17023:
No choice, when I see something is wrong, I have to voice it out before it’s too late. It’s like when we see the kids addicted to handphone games, we have to remind them of the consequences.
I once asked my grandma if I scold my kids when they did wrong, would they bear grudges against me? My grandma replied no lah, when they grow up, they will understand.
Only after I sat down and coached my kids then I realized my FTWM mum had to juggle both, is very 伟大. So we should encourage our kids to have children, then they will better appreciate us, the mothers.
It is the first time I heard asking kids to have children so that they will better appreciate the parents.
To you, being single and don't have kid - is Wrong but to me and DH, it is nothing wrong, they are not committing a crime but only they choose to enjoy a good life instead of spending money and effort on kids. Marriage and raising kids are not addicted to handphone games, it is the most important decision in human life and it must be based on one's own will. Yes, we can remind them the consequences but no need to brainwash, let them decide their own future. -
Liew Nga Wing\" post_id=\"2130835\" time=\"1710723896\" user_id=\"195250:[quote=\"Liew Nga Wing\" post_id=2130835 time=1710723896 user_id=195250]
This only works for kids who have reached a certain level of maturity. Until then, parents have a responsibility to \"brainwash\". A toddler has to be \"brainwashed\" not to snatch toys, to eat his veg, brush his teeth daily, etc. At 7yo, he has to be \"brainwashed\" to do his homework and not cheat on tests. We can't possibly leave them to decide their own future. It is the first time I heard asking kids to have children so that they will better appreciate the parents.
To you, being single and don't have kid - is Wrong but to me and DH, it is nothing wrong, they are not committing a crime but only they choose to enjoy a good life instead of spending money and effort on kids. Marriage and raising kids are not addicted to handphone games, it is the most important decision in human life and it must be based on one's own will. Yes, we can remind them the consequences but no need to brainwash, let them decide their own future.[/quote]
Perhaps you are only considering \"kids\" who are already adults and independent - in that case, yes, they need to be allowed to let them decide for themselves. In between toddlerhood and adulthood is a long continuum when parents need to still \"brainwash\", but hopefully decrease the intensity and scope as the kids grow. I stopped \"brainwashing\" about those things mentioned above long before my kids reached upper primary, but there were other things to \"brainwash\" them about by then!
Teenagers, like lyl's kids, and many of the kids whose parents are represented here, are not yet adults. Perhaps if we call it \"advising\" or \"coaching\" instead it will sound better (but is pretty much the same as \"brainwashing\" in your definition). The relationship between parent and child is key to whether the \"brainwashing\" is accepted, even in the teen years - kids who respect their parents' views and believe that the parents are saying these things for the child's good are more likely to take some of it (usually not all of it) on board. The wise parent will have to learn how to ease off as the child grows up. In your mother's case, it seems she is still trying to \"brainwash\" you well into adulthood. -
slmkhoo\" post_id=\"2130832\" time=\"1710721014\" user_id=\"28674:
Agree. According to the use of the term here, even implying to kid, that he or she doesn't need to get married or have children, doesn't need to study if they don't like to, is kind of \"brainwashing\" too.
All parents \"brainwash\" their kids - it's just a matter of the term used. Teaching them that they should be polite and considerate is the same activity as telling them that they should study medicine or that they should have 2.1 kids.
The amount of control the parent tries to exert is probably the issue, especially if the parent continues to be very directive and controlling even when the child is already nearly adult. And if the child's values and the parent's differ, that can be a source of contention too. But a parent who avoids all brainwashing, especially of young children, would be deemed negligent by most.
I believe in parents has a responsibility towards our children. How parents treat this responsibility will depend on our values and beliefs.
My mum was in and out of hospital as I was growing up. There were times when I had no one to teach/guide me, and wished that if I knew or have been taught, I would have be able to make informed choices. Now I only wish I could do more for my own child. -
Even when the kids have grown into adults, sometimes parents still need to intervene by highlighting / reminding them of potential red flags / pit-falls as they may not have the experience to spot it.
Personally think there are times to let them fall and there are times to save them from unnecessary detours.
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