Living in Singapore

[MrsKiasu]

slmkhoo\" post_id=\"2131183\" time=\"1711110904\" user_id=\"28674:

I would have been furious if my husband had said that to me for that reason - I don't scold people I don't care about, and I only expend that kind of energy on my children because I love them. I certainly wouldn't have been laughing!

It must be I have used some stronger words than usual. Cannot remember what I said..it was during last Dec holiday. Most time when I scold the children, the anger/process just last a short while. It maybe 'new' to him but not to us. I laughed coz I saw his reaction like a small kid then. So far, dds are considered 'sensible' kids. Most times it was due to my own anger, so my fault actually. You are right, I also always tell my kids esp when they were young, I won't scold them if they are not my children. Scolding (of course should minus my own anger element) is also teaching..

[Liew Nga Wing]

I only scold people which I don’t care their feeling or people don’t have any relationships with me. I have never scold DH and DS…because once I show them my "tiger" face, I don’t know whether they will show their "lion" face to me.

[Estéema]

00skyblue00\" post_id=\"2131181\" time=\"1711108824\" user_id=\"143605:

An old friend of mine, got married at age 24, two yrs after grad from uni. Alr decided not to have kids. \"signed\" contract with her bf before marriage to not have kids. Guy is neutral but ok not to have kids too (i guess). Hence got married. However, his parents are not aware of this pact until today. Even few years back, parents still advised them to seek medical help. Anyway, both migrated to another country years back, complained abt sg tax and setup are all pro family, so households without kids have no perks, no security? at all. Now they have a house fully paid and yes two dogs.

In this case, the girl is adamant not to have kids, but i guess the guy is neutral. I do believe she is the non compromise herself type of person, so she herself knows, cannot have kids.
Also, she mentioned abt risks of having special needs kids is high these days. Is this true?
Perfectionist like her may not know how to handle it. So many parents of children with medical or special needs out there, really admirable of them. I used to think my friend should have a kid back then, but they have their own lifestyle now, also happy for them. It's fated.

With today’s educational & medical intervention, special needs kids are supported inclusively, unlike in the past.

It really depends on the continuum of needs required & serious conditions can really be a challenge & stress to some couples. However, many hv taken the leap of faith to journey with their special child, learnt lots & some indeed found their child to be a lot of special & amazed at the parenting gift! A lot of patience required fr both parents though.

If one does not have a child for personal reasons, there is nothing others can do except to hope they’ll listen to some good counsel or pray for their change of hearts, have a 360 change of belief/perception.

I used to hv a boss who had never wanted to hv any child as she fears the pain of childbirth & adoption does not sit well with her hubby. She thinks it was her witnessing her own mother having her younger brother that caused that hindrance in her psyche. I met ano lady who wants so much to hv her own baby but unfortunately, she a blocked fallopian & she’s always living in suspicion her hubby have affairs. It’s just so sad, even as I recall.

I heard fr SIL, hearsay her DIL do not wish to procreate due to a series of family passed down illnesses (high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, etc). With DH’s family all with the 3 highs, one wld think it’s a ridiculous reason not having kids, but I can empathize some really holds strong belief in not introducing new life that’ll continue that ‘curse’ & resolve to live out the belief!

[Coolkidsrock2]

MrsKiasu\" post_id=\"2131189\" time=\"1711117450\" user_id=\"43981:

It must be I have used some stronger words than usual. Cannot remember what I said..it was during last Dec holiday. Most time when I scold the children, the anger/process just last a short while. It maybe 'new' to him but not to us. I laughed coz I saw his reaction like a small kid then. So far, dds are considered 'sensible' kids. Most times it was due to my own anger, so my fault actually. You are right, I also always tell my kids esp when they were young, I won't scold them if they are not my children. Scolding (of course should minus my own anger element) is also teaching..

I think \"scolding\" within a loving environment is fine. No damage or harm done to the kids. If they are sensible, they will understand the context and rationale.

Even though my kids are 20ish, I will still sometimes tell them \"I need to scold you already .....\" or \"我又要讲／批评你了...\"

Does not happen often given they are already adults, and they will accept it good naturely if they are at fault - 心中也有尺 if the \"scolding\" is justified.

Same, have told them since pre-school that if they are not my children, will let them do as they wish. It is harder to cultivate good habits or enforce discipline than to let them have their way. And now that they are adults, will sometimes ask if they think the \"scoldings\" are justified or if they could have hurt themselves by their own actions. Also, when they look at the opportunities available to them, whether they know the rationale for insisting on excellence from them.....

[Estéema]

slmkhoo\" post_id=\"2131182\" time=\"1711110713\" user_id=\"28674:

I think the rates are increasing, but I can't help thinking that it's increased awareness and diagnosis these days. A generation or two ago, people just assumed that some people were \"stupid\", \"clumsy\", \"inconsiderate\", \"rude\", \"sickly\", \"weak\" etc. There are quite a few (not sure how many) older people who, if they had been born 50 years later, would have been diagnosed with something. Also, later pregnancies are associated with a higher incidence of issues, so if people are giving birth later, the incidence of issues will also be higher.

Yes, I definitely agree with higher awareness & better informed parents with professional diagnosis. Indeed, the old adage is labelling “stupid”, “dense”, “木头”, “ugly”, “weird” etc.

It’s sad too that in the past, society snub at kids or special adults as “cursed” and product of some ‘sins’. Even sadder when we hear of fathers abandoning both mother & child when the father goes into denial or just simple cruelly abandon to start a different family. Some wld then find their own genes 🧬 were the culprit! This might hv caused some upheavals in families or even trauma.

[Estéema]

Liew Nga Wing\" post_id=\"2131185\" time=\"1711111922\" user_id=\"195250:[quote=\"Liew Nga Wing\" post_id=2131185 time=1711111922 user_id=195250]
Kids always learn from their parents. If the parents scold them, they will scold other people when they grown up. To me and DH, we have never scold DS, we just talk to him.[/quote]

There may be ano outcome - one of kids, having observed/experienced atrocities or parents’ misdeeds, resolves to do good or better their folks. I’ve seen such cases of ‘self-taught’ character development amongst ppl I know.

[Liew Nga Wing]

MrsKiasu\" post_id=\"2131187\" time=\"1711116368\" user_id=\"43981:

It is another word for 'teaching' lol. Young time must teach. Why scold colleagues? All are adults.

If I don't scold them, they will bully me. :siam:

[Liew Nga Wing]

Estéema\" post_id=\"2131200\" time=\"1711124876\" user_id=\"66413:

There may be ano outcome - one of kids, having observed/experienced atrocities or parents’ misdeeds, resolves to do good or better their folks. I’ve seen such cases of ‘self-taught’ character development amongst ppl I know.

Yes, it is possible.

[Liew Nga Wing]

想一个人好，一定要骂他吗？我妈从小就骂我，我又不觉得我会因此变好，我从来没有骂过丈夫及儿子，我又不觉得他们有变坏. 己所不欲，勿施于人 . 我不喜欢被家人骂，我也不会去骂家人.

[MrsKiasu]

Coolkidsrock2\" post_id=\"2131198\" time=\"1711124365\" user_id=\"48901:

I think \"scolding\" within a loving environment is fine. No damage or harm done to the kids. If they are sensible, they will understand the context and rationale.

Even though my kids are 20ish, I will still sometimes tell them \"I need to scold you already .....\" or \"我又要讲／批评你了...\"

Does not happen often given they are already adults, and they will accept it good naturely if they are at fault - 心中也有尺 if the \"scolding\" is justified.

Same, have told them since pre-school that if they are not my children, will let them do as they wish. It is harder to cultivate good habits or enforce discipline than to let them have their way. And now that they are adults, will sometimes ask if they think the \"scoldings\" are justified or if they could have hurt themselves by their own actions. Also, when they look at the opportunities available to them, whether they know the rationale for insisting on excellence from them.....

Nowadays cannot scold so much. I started retreating (much bigger steps) since last year. I do it at same time so for dd2 it is usually few years earlier than dd1. They wanted independence alot. They don't want me to put my leg into their studies though I will still ask them occasionally, to let me know which subject that they need me to help take a look. They always reply no need. I hope no big surprises at same time I know this seems to be 'better' option at least for this year in terms of persevering our relationship and they trying to spread their wings. But of course their freedom given now is at smaller scale as they are still in school not at adult stage yet. Now is just on studying, meeting friends, spending money etc.