My 10-yr-old raises her voice and plugs her ears — how to handle?

[HNS2015]

I’ve noticed one of my 10-year-old daughters often raises her voice whenever my husband or I try to correct her behaviour or attitude. It really triggers me when she speaks back or argues, and she even sticks her fingers in her ears so she doesn’t have to listen. I was on the verge of using my cane but I know that would probably backfire. Experienced parents, how did you manage this at around the same age?

[sharonkhoo]

@HNS2015 said in My 10-yr-old raises her voice and plugs her ears — how to handle?:

I’ve noticed one of my 10-year-old daughters often raises her voice whenever my husband or I try to correct her behaviour or attitude. It really triggers me when she speaks back or argues, and she even sticks her fingers in her ears so she doesn’t have to listen. I was on the verge of using my cane but I know that would probably backfire. Experienced parents, how did you manage this at around the same age?

We all tend to assume that the teen years are the most problematic, but it all starts now! My experience is that if you handle it well, the teen years will be easier (note - not easy! just easier than the horror stories).

She’s only 10 - so she feels that she wants to be treated as if she’s older, but she doesn’t know how to behave like someone older. With my girls, I started by calmly laying down some rules when they were also calm (not when they were acting up). For us, the main rule we had was that they had to speak to us politely, and not behave rudely (for me, this would include covering her ears if I’m talking, or raising her voice). At the same time, I would ask her what causes her to behave that way - you may find that it’s not that she disagrees with your instruction so much as that she doesn’t like the way it’s communicated. You should work this out with her, and agree not to use certain trigger words, or certain tones of voice. But you need to reserve the right to decide what you will allow in your household (although you may want to give more leeway on things that don’t matter as much, and giving a little choice makes everything more palatable). As far as possible, lay down some rules and penalties ahead of time, and get her to agree that they are reasonable. Most kids do realise, when they are calm, that certain rules make sense.

For e.g., when to do homework could be an issue- you might want to agree on a window of time for homework to be done, and a penalty (no phone or TV for a period) if it’s not done within that window.

Or you agree with her that neither she nor you will speak in a certain tone of voice or use certain words - both side should apologise if they break this rule.

When correcting them at this age, try not to use “Don’t…” or “You always…” or “Because I said so”. Use wording that reminds them that they are hurting you or showing themselves off in a bad light, like “when you say…, it makes you sound self-centred/unkind”, or “that (particular action) creates more work for me, and I’m already tired at the end of the day” etc.

This is an early taste of what the teen years can be like, so get this foundation built early. Hope this helps.

[HNS2015]

@slmkhoo said in My 10-yr-old raises her voice and plugs her ears — how to handle?:

@HNS2015 said in My 10-yr-old raises her voice and plugs her ears — how to handle?:

I’ve noticed one of my 10-year-old daughters often raises her voice whenever my husband or I try to correct her behaviour or attitude. It really triggers me when she speaks back or argues, and she even sticks her fingers in her ears so she doesn’t have to listen. I was on the verge of using my cane but I know that would probably backfire. Experienced parents, how did you manage this at around the same age?

We all tend to assume that the teen years are the most problematic, but it all starts now! My experience is that if you handle it well, the teen years will be easier (note - not easy! just easier than the horror stories).

She’s only 10 - so she feels that she wants to be treated as if she’s older, but she doesn’t know how to behave like someone older. With my girls, I started by calmly laying down some rules when they were also calm (not when they were acting up). For us, the main rule we had was that they had to speak to us politely, and not behave rudely (for me, this would include covering her ears if I’m talking, or raising her voice). At the same time, I would ask her what causes her to behave that way - you may find that it’s not that she disagrees with your instruction so much as that she doesn’t like the way it’s communicated. You should work this out with her, and agree not to use certain trigger words, or certain tones of voice. But you need to reserve the right to decide what you will allow in your household (although you may want to give more leeway on things that don’t matter as much, and giving a little choice makes everything more palatable). As far as possible, lay down some rules and penalties ahead of time, and get her to agree that they are reasonable. Most kids do realise, when they are calm, that certain rules make sense.

For e.g., when to do homework could be an issue- you might want to agree on a window of time for homework to be done, and a penalty (no phone or TV for a period) if it’s not done within that window.

Or you agree with her that neither she nor you will speak in a certain tone of voice or use certain words - both side should apologise if they break this rule.

When correcting them at this age, try not to use “Don’t…” or “You always…” or “Because I said so”. Use wording that reminds them that they are hurting you or showing themselves off in a bad light, like “when you say…, it makes you sound self-centred/unkind”, or “that (particular action) creates more work for me, and I’m already tired at the end of the day” etc.

This is an early taste of what the teen years can be like, so get this foundation built early. Hope this helps.

Hi! Thank you so much for sharing your experience and practical advice.

You are right! it really all starts now before the teen years! Thanks for highlighting it!

We’ve actually tried talking to her whenever a situation comes up, but she often gets frustrated and says things like, “What do you mean? I don’t understand… what’s wrong?” And this can go on for 15–20 minutes ‍️

I agree with you about setting some rules and boundaries when everyone’s calm, and also being mindful of our tone. Will try this approach.

Really appreciate you taking the time to share — thank you again for your kind advice!

[sharonkhoo]

@HNS2015 said in My 10-yr-old raises her voice and plugs her ears — how to handle?:

Hi! Thank you so much for sharing your experience and practical advice.

You are right! it really all starts now before the teen years! Thanks for highlighting it!

We’ve actually tried talking to her whenever a situation comes up, but she often gets frustrated and says things like, “What do you mean? I don’t understand… what’s wrong?” And this can go on for 15–20 minutes ‍️

I agree with you about setting some rules and boundaries when everyone’s calm, and also being mindful of our tone. Will try this approach.

Really appreciate you taking the time to share — thank you again for your kind advice!

Trying to work things out when in the midst of a disagreement rarely (or never!) works. Another tack you could use (which I have), again, when things are calm, is to let her know that she needs to learn to behave and speak in a more “grown-up” way to be taken seriously, and you are willing to advise about how to approach disagreements. Then coach her in detail including the way she phrases things, her body language, etc. If she realises that you are trying to help her and it will work better in the long run, she is more likely to accept the advice.

As for the things she says she can’t understand, without concrete examples, it’s hard to comment. But you may need to go back a few steps to explain the issue and the accepted norms. Sometimes things that seem obvious to us may not be to the young.

[HNS2015]

@slmkhoo said in My 10-yr-old raises her voice and plugs her ears — how to handle?:

@HNS2015 said in My 10-yr-old raises her voice and plugs her ears — how to handle?:

Hi! Thank you so much for sharing your experience and practical advice.

You are right! it really all starts now before the teen years! Thanks for highlighting it!

We’ve actually tried talking to her whenever a situation comes up, but she often gets frustrated and says things like, “What do you mean? I don’t understand… what’s wrong?” And this can go on for 15–20 minutes ‍️

I agree with you about setting some rules and boundaries when everyone’s calm, and also being mindful of our tone. Will try this approach.

Really appreciate you taking the time to share — thank you again for your kind advice!

Trying to work things out when in the midst of a disagreement rarely (or never!) works. Another tack you could use (which I have), again, when things are calm, is to let her know that she needs to learn to behave and speak in a more “grown-up” way to be taken seriously, and you are willing to advise about how to approach disagreements. Then coach her in detail including the way she phrases things, her body language, etc. If she realises that you are trying to help her and it will work better in the long run, she is more likely to accept the advice.

As for the things she says she can’t understand, without concrete examples, it’s hard to comment. But you may need to go back a few steps to explain the issue and the accepted norms. Sometimes things that seem obvious to us may not be to the young.

Thanks so much!

You are right, trying to work things out in the midst of disagreement, really true that it rarely works!

I will try on guiding her how to express herself more specifically so she might respond better if she feels I’m helping her, not just correcting her.

Ahaha, you are also right that sometimes we assume they know what’s wrong, but actually they may not see it the same way. Thanks for highlighting this point.

[thebottomsupblog]

Do let us know more about the situations that you’re facing

Sometimes explosions will just happen, despite our best intentions… We’re only human too! Haha I will close the windows so that the neighbours can’t hear as much.

For me, I like to recover quickly — I have usually approached my kids after about 30mins to an hour, to hug and make up. Not everything has a clear “solution,” but hopefully everyone can feel loved.