1 in 10 S’poreans do not have close friendships

[thebottomsupblog]

Spotted this on socials yesterday and thought it’s interesting to discuss our friendships, especially at different stages of life.

This is what I shared on my IG stories:

Here’s the ST article on this: https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/1-in-10-sporeans-do-not-have-close-friendships-most-still-make-friends-in-person-ips-study

I have quite a number of friends that I would consider close, because I have friendships across gender, race/nationality, and age lines. But would love to hear from others too!

[rinsider]

Well, I’m nudging towards 50, and all my close friends had already been forged before I hit 30. Yes that includes you, @thebottomsupblog

I am in a primary school WhatsApp group that arranges gatherings occasionally. But… Close? Not that sure.

Alas, my closest BFFs have migrated since. One now lives in Belgium (secondary sch), another in Norway (from poly) and three others in Scotland, Poland and the US (very early workmates). Meeting up is a blast and months in the making, but the visits have been fewer and more sporadic in recent years, sadly, as they focus on building their lives and their families overseas.

Also, even between besties, texting has evolved into the norm. But the root of the friendships has all stemmed from personal interactions, I don’t have an online bestie for sure.

I guess I have more acquaintances than friends. These can span back from decades ago (so far I have bumped into 3) and every experience has been great; no awkwardness and picking up where we left off.

But given my introverted personality and my love for the great indoors, I realise close friendships work both ways too. I’m not the proactive friend, for sure!

I do have a very close male buddy (not an ex) and I’m wondering how genders influence the extent and depth of a friendship? Can an ex be a good friend? I feel it’s fine if both parties realise that a friendship works out better than a relationship, and are mature enough to acknowledge and accept this.

I’m also coupled up with someone who is a hermit like I am. I also consider him a close friend, but sometimes it’s nice to cast your net wider.

So my thoughts are all over the place, but what makes a friendship work is ultimately how you really feel about each other in the now and not depend on nostalgia!

[sharonkhoo]

I have a bunch of close friends I have known since schooldays - some from as early as Pr school. The friendships have always been there, sometimes more in background as we often lived in different countries, worked, married, had kids, etc. Sometimes we only met once a year, though smaller subsets might find time to meet more often. Now we are in our 60s, and over the past few years, we have tried to make it a point to meet more often (it’s still only about 3-4 times a year). But we know that we can always call on one another for help, for a chat etc. The friendships have of course changed in nature over time - we don’t even all have the same interests or hobbies, but we have enough in common and our shared past so that we’re still good friends.

I have also had close friends “for a season” while living overseas. We might have been close for those few years through proximity and mutual need, but distance make the friendships weaken over time. We still love meeting when we can, but they are not the first I would call if I need help (since they are miles away), and I don’t keep up with the nitty-gritty of their lives as much.

I have made friends online through boards like this, but I guess it’s not the same when you never or rarely meet in person.

I guess my husband is really my closest friend - I’m very grateful for this, and for the life we’ve shared together. We’ve been married over 38 years now, lived in many different places, and shared many different experiences, including parenthood.

To add: My close friends are all women! I am comfortable with men as friends, but it just hasn’t happened. Mostly it’s couple with couple. And most of my friends overseas were not Chinese or Singaporean!

[thebottomsupblog]

@rinsider and @sharonkhoo: Really enjoyed reading your thoughts on this! There are so many things to unpack so I’ll just focus on one thing first.

On mixed gender friendships: I’ve always had a good number of trusted male buddies, and my husband is very chill with this, because it’s been this way since he met me at age 21.

My best friend is male (gay), so even if we were to stay out all night and catch the sunrise together, it would not raise eyebrows in my fam!

With hetero male friends, probably all parties think more about optics, especially if partners are involved. I have said to male friends: “I just saw you yesterday — if we met again today, my husband might have something to say about that!” Whereas with women friends, we might even arrange to meet twice in a day haha!

My own rules are to never disparage my husband, or use male friends as an escape after disagreements at home. (Or to “use” them in any way, really.) When I was younger, I wasn’t very sensitive to how my male friends’ partners would feel — now I would always say it’s important to prioritise your romantic relationship and work within those boundaries. Things like late-night texts and one-on-one hangouts, plus gifts that seem very personal, can trigger unhappiness and insecurity. In the end it’s about trust and communication.

Ultimately, feelings can be fluid and unpredictable, but if we have the desire to do the right thing + do no harm, most of such relationships can remain healthy. That’s my idealistic view of things

[Wonder-ful]

@thebottomsupblog I’m not so well expose. Only have a really close male friend for about 40 years and catch up pretty often, we both share both work and family life openly with little restriction. Probably easier than sharing with my spouse without worrying about be being too sensitive. There is the other group of secondary school mate that we chat and share quite a bit on our chat group, mostly sharing good stuffs and latest happening. Used to share birthday wishes with my ex-wife and girlfriend but it becomes quite meaningless after a while when we don’t really have any idea how’s life on each other end.

[HNS2015]

@thebottomsupblog

I asked myself how should we define a “close friend”? Is it someone we meet often, or someone we turn to when we truly need help?

I do maintain contact with my primary school friends from P1 and we have a group chat. We don’t meet very often — usually during CNY or when a classmate returns from the US for a short stay. However, I realise that over the years, while I’ve kept in touch, I’ve never actually approached them for help when I was struggling. Because of that, I sometimes wonder whether this would still be considered a “close” friendship, even though I’ve witnessed support being extended within the group when others needed it.

In contrast, during my challenging periods of my life after having children, the people I sought help from were those I had gotten to know in more recent years. That experience made me reflect on how closeness can also be shaped by trust, timing, and shared vulnerability — not just history.

At this stage of life, my most connected group of friends are fellow mums from my children’s primary school, and I also have a few other close friends where we make the effort to meet for each other’s birthdays and pray for one another when someone is troubled.

So for me, “close friendship” seems to take different forms at different stages of life.

[sharonkhoo]

@HNS2015 I agree that people you see often would generally be the ones you ask for help, and also those who have similar experiences (or have had similar experiences). I’m not sure that there is a single narrow definition of “close” friends. The other way of looking at it might be to ask who we would offer help to if they needed it, or who would welcome our help or even expect our help.

[randomblackore]

as parents, it is really hard to maintain close friendship. everybody has their own priorities. i’m looking forward to my kids growing older and becoming more independent before i can try to reconnect consistently with my old friends

[thebottomsupblog]

Thanks everyone for chiming in!

I used to think that there should be a minimum length of time that we know someone, before we can even think to call them “close.” So sometimes I’m taken by surprise if I’ve only known someone a few months and they’re already suggesting that we’re “close enough” or “close friends.”

But I agree with @HNS2015 that closeness can be shaped by shared vulnerability, I’ve also experienced feeling close to workmates at a workplace within a few months, because we felt vulnerable and banded together.

@randomblackore How old are your kids?

I’ve only had much more time for friends in recent years, now that my youngest is 14 going on 15! It’s really refreshing to be able to head out and hang out again, and do things like watch movies I have my younger friends (20-somethings, 30-somethings) to credit for this — they have some habits that are new to me, like short-notice meet-ups, the so-called “casual hang” where we co-work together or even do random things like trips to the supermarket/laundromat, and checking in every month to say “hey, what are we doing?” In contrast, my Gen X friends are less free + need more prep time haha!

@sharonkhoo In terms of what we would do for a friend, in my experience, it’s sometimes easier to be the “best friend” rather than “close.” As best friend, it’s clearer that we are the default support person, whereas with others, I’m not quite sure what my exact role is, although I want to be there…

@Wonder-ful My husband also prefers to have a small network — he too has just one very close male friend, and most times he prefers to go out jogging/cycling by himself, or join me and my friends! I think if one doesn’t feel lonely, that can work very well too.

[HNS2015]

@sharonkhoo I agree. On second thought, “close” can be quite one-sided at times. Feeling close enough to offer help doesn’t always mean the closeness is mutual.