Have your teens/young adult children started dating?

[thebottomsupblog]

My 2 kids aren’t dating yet. I have friends who are single (ranging from 20+ to over 40) so I do hear a lot of stories!

Wondering how you’ve supported your kids through dating issues, like poor experiences on apps, no physical attraction/no spark and not sure if one should move on, being ghosted, talking stage lasting forever, boundaries, etc?

Just curious

[JonC]

Interesting topic.

Adult youngsters nowadays are very different from us 20 to 30 years ago.

First, you have to talk to them and see if they want a boy friend or a girl friend and / or leading to marriage in the first place.

Second. after you find out what they want / wish, it’s still best to leave it to them take things in their own hands.

Third, advise them that anytime they need help or advice, they may talk to you.

The rest, leave it to them to decide.

[sharonkhoo]

@thebottomsupblog I have one daughter, 27, married and one (the elder, 29!) who has never dated. My 2 cents worth:
My husband and I always emphasised that the most important thing about getting to know someone (not just for dating purposes) was to have shared activities and values. This is harder when they have started work, so we encouraged school or church activities, volunteering etc. This way, you see the person when he’s not on his best behaviour or just focused on making a good impression on you. You get to see how he reacts when tired, disappointed, irritated, sick, etc. We also told them that how he treats other women is important - how does he treat his grandmother, mother, sister, maid etc? Is he considerate, polite? Because that’s how he will treat his girlfriend/wife when the initial romance wears off (which it will).

This all comes before any actual dating. Apps weren’t a thing when my kids were teens, so no experience with that. Physical attraction - we always told them that that wasn’t too important. Spark - not so important initially, though liking and shared interests (i.e. friendship) would be important. After all, your spouse should be your best friend. Someone who ghosts should be written off altogether.

As for boundaries, we were conservative. We said no single dating before 18 (and only after consulting us); group dates/activities until then. We instituted a “secret code”, just in case, though my girls never needed to use it, thankfully. This meaning that if they ever felt uncomfortable or in danger, they should call/message us the code, and we would pick them up or help extricate them. In general, I required them to tell me who they were going out with, where (at least in rough terms), etc., and until they were 18, curfew was 11pm. We were more flexible if we trusted the friends they were with, they had a safe way to get home or we were picking them up.

My girls never minded (not much, anyway) the rules and advice - they knew we were concerned for their wellbeing. My daughter is the 3rd generation who met her husband in university/church. I know that doesn’t work for everyone (I have another unmarried daughter), but it is a good way to start.

[thebottomsupblog]

Great to hear from others, and sharing an infographic that I saw on Insta.

I haven’t talked to my kids about dating, but they do know what’s happening with my friends. My husband is Catholic, my kids were raised Catholic, and I’m a free thinker/agnostic, so you could say I’m much more liberal!

I hear plenty of stories from men and women friends; some in 20s are not dating or in non-defined relationships, some in their 30s are grappling with their own issues (like self-confidence, not being sure of whether to move forward, mismatch between the ones they are really physically attracted to vs the ones who respond). Some in 40s onwards have seemed to find partners easily; they move from one relationship to the next. Or they might reconnect with now-divorced friends, and something happens there. Others have a poor experience and usually take long breaks from the apps.

I love to ask questions and seldom give my take, unless explicitly asked! The only thing I would say that my kids can take from me is my comfort with mixed-gender friendships. If you don’t really have that, I think it’s hard to cross into dating. My brother is a 40-something millennial, doesn’t talk about dating at all, and seems happily single.

My husband and I would both say that physical attraction is essential and the first filter haha. I think that’s why people are comfortable being very honest with me about their dating stories, because they know I won’t think of them as shallow