Asian Mums are more SUPERIOR?
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insider:
Kool. :celebrate:
This diving course is a 'condition free' course for him. He likes the sports and so I intend to him for one to let him enjoy himself safely. When we discussed about this, nothing pertaining to efforts or results are in the picture.tisha:
You should give him the 'diving course' if you think he has done his best in terms of preparing for the exams i.e . his effort.
I think the reward should be for the effort and not for the result.
If he has really worked hard then he deserves the reward (espeacially when it is coming form the parents), just think what message it would convey to him if you base it on the result.
Similar to his rock climbing course now. I cannot in the event that his results are no good, stop him from going for it as now this is his main hobby that he can practise three times a week.
He can live without TV, handphones, internet, but to withdraw his physical activities will be as good as killing him and so withdrawal of his sports courses will be the biggest punishment to him if I want to 'punish' him.... But that's just not so right in my thinking. With poorer results, one of his wings is already broken, to take away his sports is like breaking his another wing which must be very painful... -
Chenonceau:
:goodpost:Funz:
After getting her results last year, DD came to me and thanked me for drilling her and making her do piece and piece of math paper.
Hmmmm... In Primary school, it is still possible to drill. In secondary school, this becomes impossible because (1) adolescents are programmed to rebel (2) the parent is no longer in complete control of the influences that come through a teen's life.
The danger with getting into the drilling rut is that our kids develop a dependency on us. Without a parent pushing, they won't move. My daughter went to Nanyang Girls High and is now in Hwa Chong. I saw how many of her classmates turn from high achievers to low because they were no longer amenable to parental pressure.
I opted early to expose both my kids to the Principle of Logical Consequences. I would provide the math practices. I would schedule a reasonable amount of practice each day in a diary with them. Then, I would get my kids to mark their own work, before I mark them myself discreetly later. I made sure I let them know that copying answers only hurts them.
Of course, they didn't believe me. They copied. I closed one eye. They neglected to do the exercises as planned. I sighed. Then when the results come back poor, I comfort them and say \"Poor thing... If only you hadn't copied, and if only you had finished those exercises we set... No fun when you don't do well eh? Well, you're not stupid. You just didn't work as you should.\" Figuratively, I twist the dagger a bit there. Nicely... gently, but I still twist.
As a result, my kids were very average students in P1... but as the years go by, they develop a keen sense of wanting to do well because (1) I believed they can (2) if they don't I am not about to protect them from failure by nagging or forcing them to do any exercises.
In P6, The Daughter did well enough to go to Nanyang, and Little Boy is one of the top scorers in every subject except Chinese. And THEY are the ones who come home and ask me to give them work to do.
The Daughter advised Little Boy one day \"When Mommy says 'That is not going to end well for you', you had better sit up and take notice because Mommy enjoys allowing people to dig their own graves\".
Basically, I believed that failure teaches lessons that are important for success and the earlier a child learns to fail (within margins of safety) and recover, the better he is prepared to succeed later in his academic career, and in life. As such, when I see a safe opportunity for failure e.g., I allow (sometimes, I sneakily help) it to happen.
There are some occasions one must not fail at e.g., PSLE or mid-year or end-year... but when there is opportunity to have my child experience the pain of not doing well, I leverage on it by removing my protective and nagging presence (just for that specific occasion)... and let the child realise that there are consequences to his insouciance... and that these are Logical Consequences that Mommy cannot control. In short, I allow the situation / the outside world to punish them. Else, they grow up feeling so safe that I will ever be the one to protect them from themselves. -
When I read the article I got really mad. What makes her think she can speak as a representative of chinese mothers? I wouldn’t blame her daughters if they did an Esmie Tseng on her.
There are so many more chinese mothers who parent with love and not fear, who do not set these at-all-costs demands on their kids. Perhaps her methods have given ‘results’ in the short run, but later in life (i am assuming her kids are not yet 30), there will be serious mental and social repercussions through having been brought up like that, even if her kids now deny it and say that they benefitted / enjoyed being brought up like that.
Upon reflection, I suppose the article was meant to be sensational, and boost publicity for her book. So the best thing we can do is to boycott her book.
Initially I also thought the article was related to Amy Tan’s Joy Luck Club. The show was good in the sense that it portrayed the reality, the kiasuness and the chineseness of those parents. But it also showed the damage it did to the relationship between the mothers and their daughters. I would never want to have such dysfunctional relationships with my daughters.
What really annoys me is that she’s so proud of her methods, and thinks there’s nothing wrong with calling her kids garbage? Well, I think SHE’s garbage. Total control freak.
And to think that she’s a law professor at Yale. The faculty should be ashamed of having someone like her in their midst, even if she only uses such tactics on her own progeny and not her students.
Her surname made me wonder too… where was she born? Chua is a surname used in Singapore or Malaysia, not quite China right? -
Ah mystery solved. Parents ethnic chinese from philippines, and she was born in the US in 1962.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amy_Chua -
Funz:
My hubby got Ds and Cs, not all Ds, I remember wrongly. During our time, engineering was still quite popular, and there was a large intake.tamarind:
In fact, my hubby scored all Ds at A levels, he still could get into Engineering in NUS and get a degree
He's lucky then. Or not many going for engineering that year.
Possible to get placement in local U with that kind of grades these days?
NTU ENTRY REQUIREMENTS 2009
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2607
Engineering CCC/D--- ABB/A
College of Humanities, Arts, & Social Sciences
Art, Design & Media* DDD/D--- AAA/A
So long as a student has Bs and Cs, there are many choices. Though he may not get into the course that is his first choice. -
AutumnBronze... :love:
-
Chenonceau:
AutumnBronze... :love:
Must give credit for wise words from a wise and experienced mummy ..
:celebrate: :celebrate: -
Chenonceau:
Guess it helps to have an elder siblings to reinforce the younger ones.Funz:
The Daughter advised Little Boy one day \"When Mommy says 'That is not going to end well for you', you had better sit up and take notice because Mommy enjoys allowing people to dig their own graves\".
Good tactics and a well written post... :celebrate: -
Chenonceau:
I agree with what you have written. And I pretty much did what you did and when as expected, DD did not do what I told her to do, I just reminded her. She came back with lower then expected grades on her topical test and was all teary and remorseful and she promised to do what I told her to do. But the cycle continues. And then the excuses started. \"But mummy, I already know so why do I have to do them again.\" So when come time for her finals, I told her ok, lets try this. You do what I set out for you to do and this time, no excuses, no I forgot and no slipshod work. So initially she gave me half hearted work riddled with her usual mistakes all over the place. Her problem is not with concepts or understanding. Her problem is carelessness and making assumptions and complacency. And each time she comes with this kind of quality of work, I pulled out 2 more sets of papers for her to do, 1 in the evening after dinner, another in the morning before school. My aim in drilling her this time is not to drill into her methods or concepts or making her memorise stuff. The aim is to get her to see the importance of not being complacent and to be more conscientious about her work. Instead of glancing at the questions and diving into it with assumptions, she has to read the questions carefully. I am not sitting beside her when she is doing her work so she is on her own on this and after 2-3 papers she realised her own mistakes and self corrected.Funz:
After getting her results last year, DD came to me and thanked me for drilling her and making her do piece and piece of math paper.
Hmmmm... In Primary school, it is still possible to drill. In secondary school, this becomes impossible because (1) adolescents are programmed to rebel (2) the parent is no longer in complete control of the influences that come through a teen's life.
The danger with getting into the drilling rut is that our kids develop a dependency on us. Without a parent pushing, they won't move. My daughter went to Nanyang Girls High and is now in Hwa Chong. I saw how many of her classmates turn from high achievers to low because they were no longer amenable to parental pressure.
I opted early to expose both my kids to the Principle of Logical Consequences. I would provide the math practices. I would schedule a reasonable amount of practice each day in a diary with them. Then, I would get my kids to mark their own work, before I mark them myself discreetly later. I made sure I let them know that copying answers only hurts them.
Of course, they didn't believe me. They copied. I closed one eye. They neglected to do the exercises as planned. I sighed. Then when the results come back poor, I comfort them and say \"Poor thing... If only you hadn't copied, and if only you had finished those exercises we set... No fun when you don't do well eh? Well, you're not stupid. You just didn't work as you should.\" Figuratively, I twist the dagger a bit there. Nicely... gently, but I still twist.
As a result, my kids were very average students in P1... but as the years go by, they develop a keen sense of wanting to do well because (1) I believed they can (2) if they don't I am not about to protect them from failure by nagging or forcing them to do any exercises.
In P6, The Daughter did well enough to go to Nanyang, and Little Boy is one of the top scorers in every subject except Chinese. And THEY are the ones who come home and ask me to give them work to do.
The Daughter advised Little Boy one day \"When Mommy says 'That is not going to end well for you', you had better sit up and take notice because Mommy enjoys allowing people to dig their own graves\".
Basically, I believed that failure teaches lessons that are important for success and the earlier a child learns to fail (within margins of safety) and recover, the better he is prepared to succeed later in his academic career, and in life. As such, when I see a safe opportunity for failure e.g., I allow (sometimes, I sneakily help) it to happen.
There are some occasions one must not fail at e.g., PSLE or mid-year or end-year... but when there is opportunity to have my child experience the pain of not doing well, I leverage on it by removing my protective and nagging presence (just for that specific occasion)... and let the child realise that there are consequences to his insouciance... and that these are Logical Consequences that Mommy cannot control. In short, I allow the situation / the outside world to punish them. Else, they grow up feeling so safe that I will ever be the one to protect them from themselves.
I think you know your kids well enough to know that you can leave them to learn from their little failures. But my alarm bells went off when DD started making excuses for herself for getting grades lower then what she is capable of. She is not failing and they are still acceptable grades but looking at her attitude, I can only see it getting worse.
I am hoping after that session last year, she will be more conscientious in her work. I am again leaving her to her own devices to see if she improves.
I guess it is never easy, when to step in when to step back. How to balance? So many people with so many opinions. So the best that any parents can do is to try to gain some from other people's experience, learn some from all the experts in the field, and the rest are all instincts and faith. -
tamarind:
My hubby got Ds and Cs, not all Ds, I remember wrongly. During our time, engineering was still quite popular, and there was a large intake.Funz:
[quote=\"tamarind\"]In fact, my hubby scored all Ds at A levels, he still could get into Engineering in NUS and get a degree
He's lucky then. Or not many going for engineering that year.
Possible to get placement in local U with that kind of grades these days?
NTU ENTRY REQUIREMENTS 2009
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2607
Engineering CCC/D--- ABB/A
College of Humanities, Arts, & Social Sciences
Art, Design & Media* DDD/D--- AAA/A
So long as a student has Bs and Cs, there are many choices. Though he may not get into the course that is his first choice.[/quote]I am an engineering graduate. (Hello.. ) You are right that largely it is due to the bigger cohert (due to manufacturing sector boom 10 years ago) hence the demand so the score acceptance is lower than other faculty.
Now, there are so many courses opened in local Universities esp NTU compared to our years..choices are more.
But mayI re-iterate also that getting a degree only makes you better in the sense you are likely going to be a white-collar. But in terms of the wealth and success in career, it depends a lot on the following:
- Character
- Charisma
- Adapatability
- Luck
Personally, I have met some Diploma holders who made it big in life with wealth of experience in business because of the above. One of the important factor is they started YOUNG while others are pursuing the paper qualification...
So, much as a Chinese mom (as describe in article) mould a child the hard way out, incalcation of the right character is the very important aspect not to be missed.
先苦后甜...Thats somewhat the way my Chinese mom bought me up and I appreciate that.
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