Death of a Child

[tree nymph]

Insider,


My condolences to you and your family. I hope you and all your other cousins can be strong and the pillar of strength for the surviving twin and his dad.

[ImMeeMee]

[quote="insider"


It’s not bad to struggle as ultimately, you will find the balance. It’s a long journey with wisdom that usually cannot be gained overnight…

My another cousin (belong to the same side of this deceased cousin) has a daughter with a malfunction heart along with other complications. Such were detected while the baby was in her womb but the couple decided to have her out.

She quit her high paying job to nurse the fragile baby. Her family finances depleted a lot (husband comes from a rich family background). Her baby will cry and cry non-stop whenever she feels uncomfortable; such crying happens day and night. Her child is about 8 years old now and couldn’t walk or talk. But my cousin still cares and loves her even though doc says her child can go anytime.

My cousin is strong. She subsequently has another child who is a gifted child. With her wisdom, she understands that God has somewhat ‘rewarded’ her great love for a living thing regardless of any shape and form, that coz she has passed the test by going through all the pains of not giving up on her first one, she gets a ‘regular’ one instead of maybe experiencing a double blow. That kind of care and love she showers on her child, without sulking, complaining, etc, speaks volume of her internal strength.

In my religion, we have to keep passing ‘tests’ with a ‘willing’ attitude coz those are the tests that we once failed. Once we pass them, we clear our past sins and life will look up to be better…[/quote]


thanks for the in-depth sharing, insider, and i feel deeply sorry that the passing of your cousin has brought about such sorrow that it has affected the other family members’ views of the future. Hope the family will get over this and move on in a positive note.

your example of your other cousin with a daughter with a malfunction heart is apt. my sense of loss and confusion stems from my special needs child, who has been assessed to be autistic since half a year ago. while the rational part of me drives towards therapies, interventions, supervision, monitoring and so on, there is this vulnerable part of me that once in a while takes over and makes me feel pensive and melancholic about myself in this whole situation. Perhaps because I am not strong enough, perhaps because i feel mentally very tired, perhaps because I am stressed from all this, i am beginning to feel that this vulnerable part of me manifesting in a stronger form nowadays.

that is not to say that i will give up, actually we do not have the right to give up on our kids once we commit ourselves to having them. i am still pushing ahead, but getting progressively more tired nowadays. i dont know what holds in the future, i can only take one step at a time. and each step requires a lot of energy and grit.

some people say a special needs child is a gift. I do not dispute that but i think this is retrospective, so I am still looking forward to the day when i can see that coming. well said about passing the test, i guess i am being tested on this constantly at this point cos i have not passed the test yet. thats why it keeps coming back.

sorry to go off topic here, hope you dont mind. I am sure your episode of your cousin has taught many invaluable lessons about how we can affect ourselves and those around us.

keep well.

[ZacK]

insider:

I attended the wake since afternoon and returned just not long ago. I went there with my second sis and my brother (my mum was already there since morning).


It was a small scale wake with my uncles, aunties and a few cousins with the rest of my cousins were still yet to come.

My uncle brought me to see my cousin in his coffin. My cousin looked good in his suit. My uncle spoke to him in a quivering voice, \"Insider Jie Jie comes to see you now.\" My tears almost rolled but I controlled. The so sad voice of my uncle broke my heart.

His twin brother was burning the incense paper alone (this one has to burn non-stop until the body is sent for cremation). I sat down next to him to burn the paper together.

I asked him how he was feeling. Tears welled up in his eyes. He told me he feels now he has huge responsibility. His parents are not taking the death of their son too well and my uncle is suicidal. He said my uncle told my deceased cousin that 'Papa will join you soon.' This double meaning statement is confusing and frightening to a child (though at 23 years old, completed NS and now 3rd year in the university, he is still very much a child to me).

I asked him about his school work and he told me he has no mood to study and had in fact turn down a scholarship offer for his Masters recently. He quit his CCA so that he could accompany his parents to send his brother up and down the hospital for treatment. He asked me why life is so unfair? Why it has to be his beloved brother? Why? Why?? Why???

He had no sparks in his eyes (he is a handsome chap). His tone was flat. My feel is he is very close to depression and my uncle is not strong enough to support him emotionally (that he in turn thinks he has to support his father which can be a big burden to me).

He talked about the guilt of probably they didn't do enough for his brother that had resulted in his death. That certain medical decision made might not be the right ones. He lamented about their lack of enough knowledge to make correction decisions. I sensed so much guilt and regrets in his young voice and told him all the decisions made so far were made in his brother's best interest at heart and so even if some of those decisions were incorrect, they were still right. Everyone had done their best.

He shared with me one of the last words that his brother managed to speak to them on Sunday, that his brother thanked his mum, his dad, and him for spending so much time and efforts with patience and love for him all these years. His eyes were so watery when recounting all these.

I wish that my uncle could be stronger so that my this surviving cousin can be saved from falling into depression together with him. Again, strength and wisdom are not something that we can impart and I just pray that my uncle can get better soon. Uncle, please do not commit suicide coz we all love you.

All my other cousins arriving one after another. We formed a support group for now this only son of my uncle. We got him to rest in the car while we took turn to take care of burning the incense paper. We discussed about tomorrow 'shift' coz my uncle and this surviving cousin would be the only ones manning the place tonight (meaning two of them would not be able to sleep). My son and I will be taking care of the 7 am to 12 pm shift tmr and others will take care of afternoon, evening, and if there's no one to take care at night, I may stand in for the night shift as well.

Thursday will be the cremation day. My mum told my uncle and auntie that they are not allowed to send their son off but it seems like my uncle still insists. If they finally agree that they not sending, then the key responsibility will be on the sole shoulders of my surviving cousin. All cousins who can make it on Thursday will be there to lend the emotional support to accompany him to send his brother off for cremation. I still don't know how many will turn up yet but I would bring my eldest son there since he is having his school holidays.

To walk alone with such kind of grief is simply too heavy...

Dear Insider,

I read this post and I could feel your grief. I pray that your Uncle, Auntie and cousin will stay strong and hope that they do not take too long to get over your cousin's demise. It is never easy to send off a loved one, whether one's parent, sibling or offspring...

Wonder if it is possible for your relatives to perhaps consider those cancer support groups for people who lost their dear ones to cancer? It may help to have them talk out their emotions/burdens/guilt/feelings within a setting where people are also in the same predicament.

Take good care yourself.

[Andaiz]

Insider jie, I feel your grief! Please take care of yourself!

insider:

I will be passing to my eldest son a project to do - to do up an online 'live' family tree for my extended family members (maternal side first) so that all uncles, aunts, cousins, cousin-laws, grand nieces / nephews, etc, pertinent info will be updated by individual family. From there, we will form our 'network' to tap on each other if we need advice or help... We all will have our deceased cousin to thank for tying all of us closer together...

Thanks for the reminder jie. I started a family tree when my DD1 was born. Maternity leave so very bored, plus thought it would be nice to have her know her maternal family better since my dad's side don't get together very often. She's coming 9 EOY this year but sadly, , still incomplete and so many changes - the older ones have passed on, divorces, new additions...

The good part is I've managed to get a \"village\" started with my aunties and cousins on chat and sms...that's a start!

I like your idea of an on-line family tree - easier to maintain. All the best Insider and Insider's boy!

[csc]

Thanks for the encouraging sharings - especially from Insider.


I have been crying more lately...my uncle passed away from cancer last november and this was followed by a close childhood friend (same age group) who was called Home at the beginning of this year after struggling with cancer for 6 years.And just last week, I received news that another good friend is diagnosed with lung cancer . There are no symptoms at all and he was diagnosed during a routine scan.

Life is unpredictable and but a breath. Indeed , there is much more to life. I remind myself to number my days and make them count and to treasure the people and relationships around me

[bets81]

Thanks for the reminder from insider… I guess all of us are so occupied in pursuing our goals in life that we most often neglect those important to us… I guess this is very much so in SG. In some countries, pple can afford to spend more time with loved ones, etc. Let’s remind ourselves everyday to show care/concern to those we cherish

[ZacK]

insider:

I have another philosophy in life that I will try not to let any ill feelings trouble me excessively for more than three days. Regardless of what, I must shake it off and live as per normal as soon as I can (this one will be the most challenging to do when it's the time I lose my dearest mum but it's just a mindset that I keep all this while).


Catch up again, Zack!

Growing up I was never close to my dad and thought that I would not shed a tear when my dad passed on... But I guess during his last few years, although we didnt really talk much, we grew a bit closer as I was involved in taking care of some of his basic needs after he had a fall and stroke... He went into a coma during his second stroke, my whole family gathered before a decision was made to pull the plug as he was technically brain dead... Seeing the vital signs monitor showing a flat heart beat signal, his body turning cold, the realisation that we could never see him again... I shed more than a tear for my dad that day as a part of me felt that it was being cut away....

Like you, I worry about the day that time will come for my mum who is past 80. She had always pampered me, worried for me even after I started work etc... I cannot imagine the loss I would be feeling then... So should always treasure the kinship we have with our loved one as this is what money cannot buy :hugs:

[claramolee]

life will always have some unexpected things… so always think positively…

[Chaquan]

May your family know that peace is found dead in his cousin will not be sad, but his life a little bit painful chapter, he embarked on a new journey in another place closed..http://www.wly.com/Runescape.gold