Am I a Bad Mommy?

[kaka]

Hello stsy_26


I have three kids too, all of them have very different character. I used to have problems with my Dd2 - especially at the initial stage when I become a SAHM, when she was 8 years old. One time, we had fights and she locked herself in her room. From then on, I change my approach, I gave her more of my time and attention compare to the youngest. I also stopped telling her to give in to her younger sister. She is in P5 now, she is more mature and sensible and I am as close to her as the other two children.

I think children go through phrases and with three children, it is hard for us. I hope my experience will encourage you, keep trying, start by focusing on her strength all the time. :hugs:

[sleepy]

stsy_26:

Is this just a phase that she's going through, and hence my negative feelings towards her will slowly go away? I'm worried that these feelings will slowly manifest into something else if i let them stay with me for too long - who can tell when this phase of hers will be over? 1 yr? 2 yrs? That is way too long for me to hv such feelings abt her. I do not want that either. Do any of you mummies hv a similar experience?

If it's of any comfort to you, yes, it's a passing phrase.

My dd1 is very much like your description of your dd1. Not the easiest child to love. dd1 is poles apart from dd2. With dd2, we connect instantly since her birth. Dh always says dd2 is a replica of me so naturally we click extremely well.

No doubt I love dd1 a great great deal too, I had difficulty connecting with her & especially between age 4 to 8. A very long passing phrase! At our worst phrase, we can't even get through a day without numerous arguments because the slightest thing can trigger her tantrum and that irritates me despites my good nature. There is only this much nonsense I can tolerate before I blow my top too.

What I did is to keep reassuring her I love her as much as her sister. She is aware she's not easy to get along. So in a way, I actually love her more than her sister. Because it's so much easier to love an easy going child. I also tried my best not to stress her. I noticed she gets into mood swing if stressed.

Our relationship is still solid despites our ups & downs. I know I hold the number 1 spot in her heart :hugs:

[sleepy]

Funz:

She wakes up practically 2 hrs every night screaming and crying and it takes up to 45mins to settle her back to sleep. And that lasted until she was 4+yrs old.

I can totally relate to that :frustrated:

[stsy_26]

MummyThreestreams, thx for the counsellor contact!


deminc, wat kind of treatment plan did your doc suggest? All the western docs ever do is give u steriod creams to apply, which i really refrain from doing. They insist that there is no side effects and all meds are safe, but..... As per tamarind, I just keep moisturizing and moisturizing. And i use Calendula cream for her rashes. It's homeopathic medicine, so it's totally natural and doesn't contain steriods or medicine. It works wonders for her rashes. And strict control of her diet oso helps. Sometimes my hubs says it's just a bad habit dat she has, scratching all over even if it doesn't itch. Is he right?

I find that the only way to get my gal to sleep thru is to give her a dose of antihesthimines / allergy meds just before she sleeps. It helps her to sleep better, n WE sleep better too! But I dun hv the heart to \"drug\" her every night! I'm sure it's not good for her in the long run too!

My gal doesn't seem cranky from lack of sleep in the day. Or at least I dun see her manifest it. She's generally in a happy mood, but i realised that she cannot be bored and left to herself. Once in that situation, she will start to go ard irritating and disturbing pple. Just a normal child full of curiosity and needs to be on the go all the time, or a bad habit? Are all first borns so needy in attention? My 2nd gal can play on her own, and is happy to sit by herself with her toys or coloring set. My older gal will demand that u sit next to her and color with her! I'm worried that if we dun teach her to be independent and love her own company, next time when she grows up, she will always need to turn to external stimulation and company. And this habit of hers is oso something that drives me crazy cos it means I can't get a break from her!

Sometimes I feel that i may be blowing things out of proportion.... like over the wkend when we had many activities planned for the family, she behaved like an angel! I don't remember scolding her much, and she was generally very cooperative. But again, that is when she was entertained and had lots of things to do. Now back to usual school and home routine..... I'm just dreading the next blow up!

[Funz]

Reading through the posts here, the importance of a good night’s sleep for kids is so glaring.


DD has allergies as well, but not eczema. She has allergy rhinitis and it does affect her sleep as she is unable to breathe through her nose and breathing through her mouth causes her to cough. Her allergies are under control since the past 2 years and I see a marked improvement in her moods, appetite and health.

[cnimed]

stsy_26:

MummyThreestreams, thx for the counsellor contact!


i use Calendula cream for her rashes. It's homeopathic medicine, so it's totally natural and doesn't contain steriods or medicine. It works wonders for her rashes. And strict control of her diet oso helps. Sometimes my hubs says it's just a bad habit dat she has, scratching all over even if it doesn't itch. Is he right?

I find that the only way to get my gal to sleep thru is to give her a dose of antihesthimines / allergy meds just before she sleeps. It helps her to sleep better, n WE sleep better too! But I dun hv the heart to \"drug\" her every night! I'm sure it's not good for her in the long run too!

My gal doesn't seem cranky from lack of sleep in the day. Or at least I dun see her manifest it. She's generally in a happy mood, but i realised that she cannot be bored and left to herself. Once in that situation, she will start to go ard irritating and disturbing pple. Just a normal child full of curiosity and needs to be on the go all the time, or a bad habit? Are all first borns so needy in attention? My 2nd gal can play on her own, and is happy to sit by herself with her toys or coloring set. My older gal will demand that u sit next to her and color with her! I'm worried that if we dun teach her to be independent and love her own company, next time when she grows up, she will always need to turn to external stimulation and company. And this habit of hers is oso something that drives me crazy cos it means I can't get a break from her!

Sometimes I feel that i may be blowing things out of proportion.... like over the wkend when we had many activities planned for the family, she behaved like an angel! I don't remember scolding her much, and she was generally very cooperative. But again, that is when she was entertained and had lots of things to do. Now back to usual school and home routine..... I'm just dreading the next blow up!

Very quickly cause I have to pick ds1 up very soon:
- As said before, I think it's both personality and health. She may be an extrovert - extroverts are recharged through social interaction. Introverts are drained by social interaction and needs to be left alone to recharge.

- Sleep deprivation shows up in different ways. Children very often are not like adults, they may not know their body signals well. Some children do not know when they need to rest, instead they will get more hyper, louder, and finally have a big meltdown, cry their heart out, and finally exhaust their last bit of energy and fall asleep. Ds2 will talk and talk in a bright chirpy voice and suddenly fall asleep. The key to managing him is making him lie down at the right time to make sure he gets enough rest.

- not all firstborns are \"needy\". My firstborn is an introvert and he NEEDS to be left alone after he gets back from school. However he doesn't monitor his hunger signals well and he can suddenly throw a big tantrum or have a huge crying fit over small matters. It took me half a year to figure out that a protein rich snack will calm him down in 5 min during such moments. He also needs at least 9.5 hours of sleep or his dyslexic tendencies will show up the next day.

- I have shared in detail on my son's allergies and eczema in a separate thread in the Health thread. I will pull it up for you later. But generally, both physical triggers and emotional upsets can trigger the scratching. There is a very good online guide by a European hospital for parents of children with eczema. I will give you the link later. It covers the daily management of the skin, and common triggers from the doctors and nurses' observations. My son is allergic to seafood, dustmites and eggs, but he will also react to tomatoes and cocoa. He gets upset tummies from other food which affects his sleep. To really get the details, you need to start a food diary and record not just skin flareups, but also digestive issues and sleep pattern.

In our weather, during a flare-up, you also need to consider secondary fungal infection. The western trained doctors are more aware of secondary bacterial infections, which also happens commonly in patients in colder climates, but not secondary fungal infections which is more common in our humid climate. So keep that in mind.

On the antihistamine, we have been given that before. It has to be taken with something else to prevent nasal discomfort. The doctor explained to me that the antihistamine will dry out the airways and can lead to raspy throat etc, and he gave me another medication to \"balance\" it out. However my son is young at 3+ and I didn't use both. I didn't dare to, and I find that I can control his itching quite well with the doctor's management plan and dietary changes.

[Vevey]

I'm a SAHM w 2 boys (4 & 8yo) since DS2 was born & I became \"hostile\" towards 4yo DS1 when DS2 was a bb. This phase lasted almost a year & I managed to snap myself out of it somehow.


DS1 has eczema & enlarged adenoid (causing his sensitive nose) since birth & cried every a.m. when I left him at cc during N2 (the same cc that he had been attending happily since 2yo :sad: ) so I made plans to switch him to a PCF kindy from K1.

But that also meant a whole pm at home & he was not napping (i managed to get him to rest in bed tho). He was also v slow in his K1 homework (3hrs still can't finish half a page of homework unless I hamtum & even slap him :oops: ).

So even tho i had quite a good helper then, I was feeling v frustrated & often angry w DS1 even tho he is a mild-manner boy & eager to please. DS2 seemed so much easier by comparison (haha...i didn't realised then but I was WRONG!! :scared: )

1 day, I was looking at DS1's bb pix & video & i told myself that I need to stop \"abusing\" him. So the next time i found myself losing my temper w DS1, I walked away & shut myself in my room until i calmed down. It helped that I had a helper ard to take care of the kids. So perhaps if u migt like to get some childcare help if u felt overwhelmed?

However, when things didn't work out w the new helper when DS2 was 19mo, we decided to go solo & enrolled DS2 into a 2x2hr playgroup back to back. (I didn't want full-day, didn't want cc environment & SAHMs don't get much subsidy anyway). It's mid-range but money well-spent! As w 2 kids in sch whole a.m, I was able to regain my sanity & life back. Lots of time for errands, mkting, swimming by myself!

I was also more energetic to take care of them when they were back from sch & able to spend 1-1 time w DS1 while DS2 was having his pm nap. It helps that DS1 was able to follow a simple, daily time-table w lots of fun time & some fav tv programs built in after homework.

The 2 of them would play w each other or watch tv when i needed to cook or I'll bring DS1 to cycle & DS2 in stroller to explore neighbourhood, playground then meet DH for dinner nearby.

So I realised the trick is to take care of ourselves 1st. A happy mummy will have happy children. It is also easier to handle the kids on a 1-1 basis & they love our undivided attention! :boogie:

For last & this year, the boys are in different sessions, so that I can just focus on 1 at any1 time. The time they spend together during early a.m. & at nite becomes more precious & they tend to play w each other eagerly. I intend to continue doing that for the next 2 yrs even tho that means sacrificing DS2' pm naps. Having half-a-day for myself will b wonderful, but undivided attention for each kid for each half of the day is more meaningful to all of us. So I don't mind \"sacrificing\" myself.

U have 3 kids, so u might 1 2 consider adjusting the school hours of the older 2 so that u have some 1-1 time w each kid when bb is napping. If your 2nd child is easy-going, mayb u would 1 2 consider childcare!

Anything, as long as it helps to keep ur sanity! :hugs:

P.S. P1 will b a new mile-stone for ur DD1, & u would need to spend more time & attention on her school work after helping her to adjust to a new sch environment & routine.

[stsy_26]

I’m lucky that i hv a good helper now, and it does help when i can "escape" for lunch sometimes with frens, or dinner out with the DH once in a while. Sometimes, I think it’s oso the same routine everyday, day in, day out, with nothing much for me to look fwd to that gets to me.


Next yr when DD1 goes to Pri 1, DD2 will start 4 hr nursery. And i’ve arranged it such that i will get some time alone with DD1 when she’s back fr school. A couple of hrs, if i’m lucky. ANd yes, I know i need to start spending more time with her where her school work is concerned.

Just wondering mummies, which approach do you guys take when the kids start fighting? When DD1 snatches DD2’s things, or in general irritates her, we will tell her to stop it or scold her. But all the explanations, logical reasonings, scoldings dun seem to work cos she still does it over and over again. So we decided to ignore it. Books say negative attention is STILL attention right? So we decide to ignore what’s going on. But then DD2 will start crying cos she’s being bullied. We seem to be using both approaches (scolding vs ignoring) depending on our moods, which I’m sure is counter-productive cos with children, consistency is key. But either way, we still seem to "lose" this battle…

But as DD2 is slowly getting older and getting ‘wiser’, I dun think she’s gonna be any easier to handle… maybe not whiny and needy like her sister, but still a force to be reckoned with. Sigh… children!! Can’t live with them, can’t live without them!! Heh heh…

I dun dare think of what the youngest one will be like… Boy some more… scary… harder to handle than gals rite?

[Funz]

stsy_26:

Just wondering mummies, which approach do you guys take when the kids start fighting? When DD1 snatches DD2's things, or in general irritates her, we will tell her to stop it or scold her. But all the explanations, logical reasonings, scoldings dun seem to work cos she still does it over and over again. So we decided to ignore it. Books say negative attention is STILL attention right? So we decide to ignore what's going on. But then DD2 will start crying cos she's being bullied. We seem to be using both approaches (scolding vs ignoring) depending on our moods, which I'm sure is counter-productive cos with children, consistency is key. But either way, we still seem to \"lose\" this battle.....

If it is outright bullying, like snatching away an item that the sibling is in the middle of playing, or taunting, we tend to nip it in the bud. But if it is a disagreement over what to play or who should have what, we will let them sort it out themselves. If it escalates to a quarrel and either seek intervention from us, we will tell them to try and compromise and if still cannot, then each will be assigned to play on their own, without the items they were fighting over.

[Vevey]

stsy_26:

I'm lucky that i hv a good helper now, and it does help when i can \"escape\" for lunch sometimes with frens, or dinner out with the DH once in a while. Sometimes, I think it's oso the same routine everyday, day in, day out, with nothing much for me to look fwd to thatgets to me.

Perhaps pick up a hobby or volunteer at NLB or CDAC?
I usually have a weekly task/outing plan so that my days r not \"aimless\" unless i want to \"nuah\" at home.

stsy_26:

Next yr when DD1 goes to Pri 1, DD2 will start 4 hr nursery. And i've arranged it such that i will get some time alone with DD1 when she's back fr school. A couple of hrs, if i'm lucky.

Things will definitely b better next yr then!

stsy_26:

Just wondering mummies, which approach do you guys take when the kids start fighting?

I pre-empt them by setting some ground rules, esp when there is a highly coverted/new toy invloved. Play nicely & no fighting or both don't get to play w it.
Play nicely, or gor gor will have to go & do his work & di di will have to go to bed etc. Pack up the toys & we will watch some tv/go downstairs to play etc.

Usually they r able to get along nicely for an hr (or 2 :xedfingers: if it's really fun & both in good mood). But usually, I'll spilt them up or move them onto other stuff after an hour or so, b4 they get tired & sick of each other. :torchme:

I don't judge their quarrels & will let them sort it out themselves. But if it's a new situation, I will role play w both on how to resolve it amicably thru appropriate requests & responses, & let them try it out 4 awhile & praise them if they got it right. +ve reinforcement makes them proud of their own good behaviour.

If both fight, then I'll punish both & made them apologise to each other. If 1 hit the other, then the bully will b punished & have to apologise to the other.
But I'll let them decide between themselves if they still 1 2 play w each other after that. If it happened again, then both will b spilted up for different tasks.