My daughter said "NO" often. WHY?

[kiasuparent1998]

i guess kids are like that. But patient coaching helps.

[smartmummy]

kiasuparent1998:

i guess kids are like that. But patient coaching helps.

Thank you for ur advice.I see her day by day improving,.Need lot of patience and time.As a parent,we always worry so much.

[buds]

KAN:

The above are only some of the \" nos \". I try not to deprive her of the games and treats but it is often asked at the wrong time or excessive eg, she wants sweets after 9.30pm. :stupid:

Perhaps, she doesn't know it is the wrong time. In other words, routines and rules should be set so she will know... will always remember & try to keep to it. For example, candy is only allowed when ..... or during.......... In my house, we dun reali do candy. Growing up, some people found it weird that my children decline sweets. They do have some on and off these days... well they are much bigger now... but hardly purchased. It's either from the ILs or from birthday goodie bags they get from school.

Mebbe too, there had been occasions where she was allowed to do so which she recalled didn't land her in trouble. Like mebbe, during New Year's celebrations.. it can go on till late and most times unfortunately children are left to their own games and snacks until it's time to go. Children esp younger ones cannot distinguish the difference why one off she was allowed to and now not.

KAN:

I know that it is unhealthy for us to say no to each other too often. Actually when dd was young, i told myself that I will use positive teaching but as the years past, it seems to move towards negative teaching :?:

Sometimes when it gets to boiling point, we do and we can loose our cool but it's because we are human. It is a natural reaction.. but we can reflect. Reflect how each day has turned out for you & your family. Analyze how you can better the situation... how issues can be resolved more diplomatically... how you don't want similar responses to repeat. It's in the mind and yes also from the love in your heart. :hugs:

Once we have the habit of saying no to every other thing, it can be hard to stop. Focus on the positive : \"can\" or \"can-be-done\" but within certain limits or set within certain boundaries you agree too.

In Montessori classrooms we refer to it as freedom within limits..

[buds]

smartmummy:

kiasuparent1998:

i guess kids are like that. But patient coaching helps.

Thank you for ur advice.I see her day by day improving,.Need lot of patience and time.As a parent,we always worry so much.

I have to disagree on this one... children very much need our guidance... the authoritative figure who helps them learn... a person who portrays positive traits and discipline. Most children aren't just born to be like that. We can help them improve by displaying similar positive behaviour within ourselves. Children are sensitive. They can pick up the vibes be it good or bad ones and it is up to us to channel them to better themselves consistently. JMHO.

[Chenonceau]

When came the Terrible Twos to Fives, we called The Daughter Miss Contrarian because she had an irrepressible tendancy to do anything other than what we told her to do. If you said \"Put on table\", she would look at you and propose \"Put on chair\". If you said \"Finish your food\", she would look at you and say \"I'm full. Mommy\".


If the issue was a peccadillo, I let her be. Fine, make your own choices. I'd say that I would give in on about 90% of issues. I didn't really care if she didn't finish her food because she was growing well. The psychological aggravation for both her and me just wasn't worth the 2 mouthfuls left on her plate, I didn't think. If she said \"no\", I didn't insist on \"yes\" unless it was bedtime or kitchen safety or put away toys.

Then she grew outta it because she had asserted her own independence and proved to herself that she was a big girl who could make her own decisions. I did the same at adolescence. I prepared her early from age 8 for teen issues. We talked through personal safety in lifts and coming home nights... we talked through boyfriends. Then I gave her autonomy on issues just before we clashed over them. You can feel it coming so you sidestep it and hope that what you have talked through in opre-adolescence will buoy up her decisions. She has a good and nice boyfriend who hangs out with our family some weekends. He treats her respectfully because she carries herself with dignity.

I think that there comes to periods in the life of a child where he/she will say \"No\". Both coincide with an important stage in human psychological development.

Terrible Twos: Growing out of babyhood (developing judgment about things e.g. food, toys, physical activities)
Teens: Growing into adulthood (developing judgement about morals, values, adult social relationships)

Parents can plan for it, work with it and ride it like a surfer rides a wave. You can't fight a surfing wave. The more intelligent your child and the stronger his/her personality, the more powerful his/her wave of contrarianism. If you fight it, you the parent will get hurt, because it is a force of nature. It's only a child's brain but still a force of nature. Don't fight the \"No-s\", ride them instead.

DS was worse, he was less diplomatic than his sister. Instead of proposing alternatives and stubbornly sticking to them with a doe-eyed innocent but very determined look (that was my girl), my boy said \"No\" and scowled. Or he would walk away pretending he had heard nothing. And he fought EVERY BATTLE, even that 10% of important issues. If there was a strong-willed child, my DS is one - http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2010/07/drive-me-back-to-schooooool.html.

Once, he actually made me cry with frustration. He was too young for the cane (2.5y) and I had no way to make him obey, so I sat on the sofa and shed real tears. With that, he came over and patted my knee and then he went and put away his toys PERFECTLY. So, I developed a new strategy. I role played that I was his baby sister and if he didn't do what I wanted (only the 10% of important stuff), I would cry like a baby. For example, for bedtime, I would lie on his bed and wail for him to come put ME to bed. The rest of the time, I resorted to subterfuge worthy of Zhugeliang, if I might so say (cheh). See blogpost here... http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2010/07/meow-took-it.html. That worked pretty well... and then he too, grew outta that stage.

I am still figuring out how to ride the wave of DS' adolescent years. The good thing is that if you can harness and ride the power of the wave, your child becomes a force for his own good. My DS has a stronger and more intransigeant personality than my DD. At their first fight, my DS was 7 months and my DD was 7 years. My DS was so fierce and determined that he won by force of personality, and my DD came to cry on my shoulder. However, it is also my DS who has the willpower to sit for 7 hours to memorise Chinese compos. It is also he who will force himself to get up at 4.30am to finish his homework. It is also he who adamantly refuses (with tears in his eyes) to let me email the teacher to ask for less homework that is so easy that it does not help to prepare him for exams.

BUT... I am gonna email Teacher anyway today because I hate to see him work till 11pm and wake up at 5.30am for school. I'm stubborn too, I guess.

[buds]

smartmummy:

Hi Buds!

Thanks a lot for ur kind advice.I am going to analyse myself.

How are things with you and your girl..

How's the analysis going? :evil:

[smartmummy]

Hi buds!

She is ok now.Yesterday she bought a barney puzzle and she has some interest and did with my help first time.I taught her how to do then she listend carefully and did faster.Then again she wanted to show her father and did again by herself.
I was so happy.Now she asking something I want now.I said the reason why we cannot buy now then she accept.Yesterday she asked me buy two barney puzzle set cos she liked that.I said you finish one first then i buy another.
She is quite ok now,listen story books and ask questions.Whenever we went out I also teach her.I am happy now.She started to show her interest to do activities.Now I have more work to do with her.

I don't know \"No\" comes from who?may be from my son,my mother.I can't remember I said often.


For her,from born to 3 years my mother was taking care.From her 6 months I was studying after that was working.From 3 years onwards I taking care completely.That time I felt very difficult to teach that she always say\"no\".I remember whenever she reached to play my son's toys he siad \"no\".So most of the time me and my son go outside (sat & sun).That time I concerned about my son,if we scold him is no good he may feel lonely.I decided to take care her cos my mom don't know how to teach them.I struggle with two of them for last 3 years.I can't leave them alone a minute immediately they will fight.Whenever they at home together I sit with them or bring them to playground.Sometimes they play together but can't be longer.

Thanks so much for ur regards. :hugs:

[buds]

It's good to know that things are slowly turning around positively for you and your children. Keep it up. :hugs: Most times, be conscious of how we speak and interact in front of our children as they are always observing more than we realize.


Take care, smartmummy. :celebrate:

[FJFS]

Hi all.. True..! my daughter (5yrs) also says NO..but not to words i teach her, she listens to me in that way... but she says NO to food.. She never wants to try any food.. she would rather like to drink milk or choco biscuits and some chips.. How do I make her love food and say YES to food..?? :roll:

[smartmummy]

Hi FJFS!

I told that if you eat food then you get energy and become strong as super heroes.You urself enjoy the food infront of her.Make fun with food.Cook colourful food and tell her wow you eat colourful food.Ask her What are the colors in her eat.
Doctor advise me to take restaurant.When we bring them restaurant they eat more.I don’t know why may be the enviornment.Everyone is eating.May be gather with other friends of her and eat.Give her to taste each food.Good Luck!