Growing apart
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kiddo:
I'm always the one who initiate le. If he doesn't hold my hands, I will hold his. If he doesn't peck on my cheek, I will on his. I guess I'm an affectionate person so it's easy for me. I even sweet talk him!We need to take the initiative to keep the fire going even if we are 40,50,60,70..... most man hang up their boots after they are married , its a natural thing for them....and just slide into a habit...
the lost of the fire in the belly to 'sayang\" the wife as I realised after
living with DH for 15years got very mcuh to do with the Asian culture
and the no display of affection to our spouses after marriage and after
the baby.
But affection has to be two ways & not one direction. He simply happily receives all the attention without making any effort to reciprocate. I guess what I want to see is him making some attempt to 哄哄我, but he doesn't even give it any thoughts.
I even offer him suggestions like send me a mushy sms a day. Yes he did, for 5 days, & after that 不了了之. I've to send reminder sms but that defeats the purpose. Sigh... so many such incidents -
sleepy:
Darling sleepy, man bery the \"lazy' de, they will appreciate what you
I'm always the one who initiate le. If he doesn't hold my hands, I will hold his. If he doesn't peck on my cheek, I will on his. I guess I'm an affectionate person so it's easy for me. I even sweet talk him!kiddo:
We need to take the initiative to keep the fire going even if we are 40,50,60,70..... most man hang up their boots after they are married , its a natural thing for them....and just slide into a habit...
the lost of the fire in the belly to 'sayang\" the wife as I realised after
living with DH for 15years got very mcuh to do with the Asian culture
and the no display of affection to our spouses after marriage and after
the baby.
But affection has to be two ways & not one direction. He simply happily receives all the attention without making any effort to reciprocate. I guess what I want to see is him making some attempt to 哄哄我, but he doesn't even give it any thoughts.
I even offer him suggestions like send me a mushy sms a day. Yes he did, for 5 days, & after that 不了了之. I've to send reminder sms but that defeats the purpose. Sigh... so many such incidents
done but very difficult to say it out de. I am very sure your DH do
appreciate what you have done, just that some man got 'so so snug'
into married life , all stay status quo and every one happy happy can
liao, the man happy so spouse should be happy happy too,
unfortunately we try many time they are still like a 'wood'.
I alway tease DH too - tell him \"u no feeling' then he just smile and then go back same old habit.
Don't let it spoil what you both have built up all these years,
They are stll our darling rite no matter how 'char tau\" they become :rotflmao:
:snuggles: sleepy -
Yes, one can say we take the initiative. These friends of mine have been taking the initiative for years. The husband gets all the gifts and special treatments on all special occasions but the wife gets none. That is still not so bad. But what these friends of mine are saying is, they can see their husbands going out of their ways to do things for their colleagues, friends, siblings of parents or relatives but when it comes to them, the wife, somehow, the husbands have no qualms about saying no to them.
The wife was feeling down after a particularly hard day, called the husband, told him what happened and ask to go out for dinner to unwind. Husband said cannot, cos ex-colleagues ask him to go for drinks.
Since getting married, this couple has not gone on a holiday by themselves. It has always been with the parents. 10th year anniversary coming up, wife wanted to go for a trip that does not include the parents. Told the husband specifically. Initially ok. But when the husband heard that the parents wanted to go for a trip as well, he invited them along for their 10th yr anniversary trip. Talk about DUH.
If the husband is the kind that does not do anything for anybody elses birthday or any other special occasions, ok. Maybe he is just that oblivious. Problem is these guys will remember parents’ and siblings’ birthdays and special occasions and make the effort to arrange makan sessions but when it comes to their partners’ special days, nary a mention.
One of them is saying ok, I will make do with 70% of what I want, the other friend is saying why should I, I am not asking for anything unreasonable, what kind of a relationship is this if I am not even getting my basic needs met. -
Funz:
Funz.... agree.... but.. I find marriage is loopsided whetherBut what these friends of mine are saying is, they can see their husbands going out of their ways to do things for their colleagues, friends, siblings of parents or relatives but when it comes to them, the wife, somehow, the husbands have no qualms about saying no to them.
Since getting married, this couple has not gone on a holiday by themselves. It has always been with the parents. But when the husband heard that the parents wanted to go for a trip as well, he invited them along for their 10th yr anniversary trip. Talk about DUH.
Maybe he is just that oblivious. Problem is these guys will remember parents' and siblings' birthdays and special occasions and make the effort to arrange makan sessions but when it comes to their partners' special days, nary a mention.
One of them is saying ok, I will make do with 70% of what I want, the other friend is saying why should I, I am not asking for anything unreasonable, what kind of a relationship is this if I am not even getting my basic needs met.
we want it to be or not, there is no equal never will be
because only one party in this wife husband group can have a upper hand
and it all boil down to compromise, compromise and more compromise
with one party , if we are lucky we get a somewhat balance relationship
there is though.....whether the couple is rich or poor... no different
first you dont just marry the man
you marry his family too , love them or shun them :faint:
As you said, is 10% good enough for me or 99 percent then is
good enough for me.
where is my limit with him and with my own standard
never end de.........
What is our choice ...with what we want from our husband
each woman or man to his own standard..if this breakdown
and we never realise we heading the no return route you know
where it goes to ..... etc etc.... many a marriage build and
break away because the greviances build up over time and
with no closure it erupted?
There is no \"perfect marriage' but there is \"good marriage\"
is how we see it and want it to be...it all in our hands :hi5:
Thanks for sharing Funz ...you are a deep thinker .... :hugs: -
Ladies, don’t just sit back and accept clueless-ness as an excuse. If you want attention, demand for it, seduce for it, club them over the head if you need too. (Hint, men like attention-seeking women, you might as well be the one rather than the floozy office co-worker).
Never accept too busy, too tired as an excuse… -
3Boys:
Yes, agree that one should not accept those excuses. But when one has to constantly cajole, seduce, demand, it gets draining.Ladies, don't just sit back and accept clueless-ness as an excuse. If you want attention, demand for it, seduce for it, club them over the head if you need too. (Hint, men like attention-seeking women, you might as well be the one rather than the floozy office co-worker).
Never accept too busy, too tired as an excuse.....
Does your wife not deserve your attention and loving care without having to draw it out of you?
A little reminder here and there is fine, afterall people do get lazy sometimes, but to have to be told time and again and still not get what one needs, in the words of one of my friend, 'what more do I have to do, what kind of a relationship is this when I have to beg for affection. How cheap does that make me.' -
Funz:
Not cheap to demand for attention, my dear, but yes, it does get draining. I dunno, I suppose SOME men are really so dense that they don't get it, one would hope they are in the minority.
Yes, agree that one should not accept those excuses. But when one has to constantly cajole, seduce, demand, it gets draining.3Boys:
Ladies, don't just sit back and accept clueless-ness as an excuse. If you want attention, demand for it, seduce for it, club them over the head if you need too. (Hint, men like attention-seeking women, you might as well be the one rather than the floozy office co-worker).
Never accept too busy, too tired as an excuse.....
Does your wife not deserve your attention and loving care without having to draw it out of you?
A little reminder here and there is fine, afterall people do get lazy sometimes, but to have to be told time and again and still not get what one needs, in the words of one of my friend, 'what more do I have to do, what kind of a relationship is this when I have to beg for affection. How cheap does that make me.' -
3Boys:
Not cheap to demand for attention, my dear, but yes, it does get draining. I dunno, I suppose SOME men are really so dense that they don't get it, one would hope they are in the minority.[/quote]Many man are dense , some can be train but some really have
Yes, agree that one should not accept those excuses. But when one has to constantly cajole, seduce, demand, it gets draining.Funz:
[quote=\"3Boys\"]Ladies, don't just sit back and accept clueless-ness as an excuse. If you want attention, demand for it, seduce for it, club them over the head if you need too. (Hint, men like attention-seeking women, you might as well be the one rather than the floozy office co-worker).
Never accept too busy, too tired as an excuse.....
Does your wife not deserve your attention and loving care without having to draw it out of you?
A little reminder here and there is fine, afterall people do get lazy sometimes, but to have to be told time and again and still not get what one needs, in the words of one of my friend, 'what more do I have to do, what kind of a relationship is this when I have to beg for affection. How cheap does that make me.'
to \"ren ming\" de lor unfortunately. I don't condone to that but
there is Sir, but then and again what make us choose them in
the first place , not many are like me DH can be train de.....
I doono how do the people you mention Funz eventually
react /response to situation of
\"to have to be told time and again and still not get what one needs\".
:hi5: -
Anybody heard of the 5 languages of love?
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/
My husband's idea of spending time together is you sit there and I read my newspaper. To get him to praise me, I grab his newspapers and sit on them and say \"Repeat after me... You are a wonderful wife.\" If I am ill, he never asks how I am. Never in his life has he even booked a romantic spot for dinner. As for flowers, the 1st time he gave me ONE flower was when I threw a tantrum asking for flowers. The 2nd time, he gave me a bouquet and I was in the midst of a tantrum already so I threw it down the chute. So... our flower track record is dismal. I praise him a lot but he only praises me when I ask him to repeat after me, and even then, for many years, he looked very constipated whilst doing so.
My husband expresses his love with Acts of Service. He'll take my car out every weekend and top it up. He fills out all my forms. I've never had to even fill out IRAS. He makes appointments for car servicing. He would travel 8hrs every alternate weekend to spend 12 hours with me and then travel 8 hours back to his place... for 12 months. When the kids were small, he woke up at 4.30 every night to help with the morning feed. He rescues me from out of the way places when the tyre is flat or when I stupidly forgot to top up. He will wake up bleary eyed in the middle of the night and come downstairs to get me so that I dun have to take the lift up alone. He comes home for dinner as many nights as his schedule allows. He stands up for me vis-a-vis his mother. He used to vacuum the floor when our vacuum cleaner was big and heavy and hard to use. When there is no maid, he washes the dishes every day, quietly and without fanfare. I wash the toilets and everything else.
It helps that Acts of Service is what I understand to be love. I've always felt flowers and words and romantic dinners and hugs to be somewhat superficial and insincere... because I somehow am programmed to receive love in the form of Acts of Service.
I express love with hugs and kisses and words. Luckily for us, he understands my expression of love. HE doesn't find me insincere. Phew! -
Chenonceau:
Ha my hubby is also like that. Think i only received flowers once and i don't remember exactly when. No romantic dinners. Spending time means sitting in the same room doing different things. I also don't get asked whether i'm better when i'm ill.Anybody heard of the 5 languages of love?
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/
My husband's idea of spending time together is you sit there and I read my newspaper. To get him to praise me, I grab his newspapers and sit on them and say \"Repeat after me... You are a wonderful wife.\" If I am ill, he never asks how I am. Never in his life has he even booked a romantic spot for dinner. As for flowers, the 1st time he gave me ONE flower was when I threw a tantrum asking for flowers. The 2nd time, he gave me a bouquet and I was in the midst of a tantrum already so I threw it down the chute. So... our flower track record is dismal. I praise him a lot but he only praises me when I ask him to repeat after me, and even then, for many years, he looked very constipated whilst doing so.
My husband expresses his love with Acts of Service. He'll take my car out every weekend and top it up. He fills out all my forms. I've never had to even fill out IRAS. He makes appointments for car servicing. He would travel 8hrs every alternate weekend to spend 12 hours with me and then travel 8 hours back to his place... for 12 months. When the kids were small, he woke up at 4.30 every night to help with the morning feed. He rescues me from out of the way places when the tyre is flat or when I stupidly forgot to top up. He will wake up bleary eyed in the middle of the night and come downstairs to get me so that I dun have to take the lift up alone. He comes home for dinner as many nights as his schedule allows. He stands up for me vis-a-vis his mother. He used to vacuum the floor when our vacuum cleaner was big and heavy and hard to use. When there is no maid, he washes the dishes every day, quietly and without fanfare. I wash the toilets and everything else.
It helps that Acts of Service is what I understand to be love. I've always felt flowers and words and romantic dinners and hugs to be somewhat superficial and insincere... because I somehow am programmed to receive love in the form of Acts of Service.
I express love with hugs and kisses and words. Luckily for us, he understands my expression of love. HE doesn't find me insincere. Phew!
But he does a lot of seemingly routine things for me like charging my phone, etc and I do appreciate what he does for me.
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