Small fish in big pond or big fish in small pond?
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Chenonceau:
This is so true. The big fish in small pond do well, will eventually have to be upgraded to big pond. May be such a shock :yikes: that suffocate and struggle in the big pond. Unless the big fish refuses to be upgraded all the way to JC, ie stay in small pond sec sch and JC all the way. But then if do well, will still go to prestigious uni and still be shocked cos never study beside so many super fish before.
Big fish in small ponds might actually die of shock and inability to cope if life throws them into a big pond. Small fish in big ponds have navigated all the dangers and developed some resilience and coping skills to survive at least.
Thus my personal view is from the start ie primary school throw into bigger pond so that the kid thinks he's small fish and build up resilence. As he swims higher to even larger ponds, he's very used to competitive fishes around and in fact regard it as way of life and no culture shock. In fact he realizes along the way that he ain't small fish :evil:
My wishful thinking only of course :clubmyself: 
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Snow Crystal:
Yup! I agree. Humility is necessary for resilience. Prideful people who have succeeded their whole lives tend to be brittle and they crack at the first failure life throws them. And which life is so charmed that there is no failure?
Thus my personal view is from the start ie primary school throw into bigger pond so that the kid thinks he's small fish and build up resilence. As he swims higher to even larger ponds, he's very used to competitive fishes around and in fact regard it as way of life and no culture shock. In fact he realizes along the way that he ain't small fish :evil: My wishful thinking only of course :clubmyself:
Even when DD was in top in class in her elite primary school pond, and then top 3 in her big secondary school pond, I took great pains to make her believe she was a small fry only and nothing at all in the greater scheme of things. Then, in JC, she was put into a class where she swims with really really big fish and it was painful for her to really feel small day in and day out... but she has become SUCH a nice person in the 2 years for having truly learnt humility.
In future, when life throws curve balls at her, she'll have friends to fall back on, and she'll be able to shrug it off and move on because her pride has been broken again and again. -
Vevey:
Hmm... many thoughts about the ST article.\"Will his self-esteem be dashed if he goes from being top of the heap to being 30th in class, which may happen in a highly competitive school?\"
So even tho I managed to get into a good JC, a popular faculty in NUS, the honours class etc, I continue to enjoy life while not putting in more effort in my studies than it was needed.
Would the outcome b any different if I had opted for a small pond for as long as possible?
I only know I'm contented.
I guess my experience was in a way similar to Vevey's. Topped my neighbourhood pri sch, got into GEP, top JC, then two top unis on both sides of the atlantic.
Was my self-esteem dashed when I transited from top in sch to average/below-average amongst my sec sch peers? Not really. In fact, I quite quickly reconciled myself to the fact that though my PSLE score was comparable to most of my sec 1 classmates, some of them were really brilliant in a way I could never be, however hard I worked. I did ok, and acknowledge that I'm bright in certain fields in my own way too, just not quite creme de la creme in all fields, as some of my classmates seemed to be. Did that disillusion me and make me stop wanting to work hard? Not really. I just accepted the fact, still worked hard in my uni days, and think I did the best I could, and managed pretty well overall.
I was grateful that I accepted the challenge, in a way, to go to that sec school, instead of choosing a smaller pond so that I could continue topping it. In fact, it seems a bit unhealthy if taken to the extreme, to hold oneself back from challenges just so as to preserve one's ego of always being top! A bit feeble and cowardly instead of being humble?
As many have commented, there are usually more opportunities for exposure in big ponds, and one is stretched, not just by that and committed teachers, but by those brilliant (and very fun) peers. most of my closest friends now are those I got to know in sec sch. The sch culture also moulded me into much of who I am today, the way I tackle difficulties, having more confidence in myself, in public speaking, etc.
This is applicable to sec sch, because PSLE in a way determines who will not drown completely in a big pond.
For pri sch, I believe that parents should try harder to discern their child's ability, and not get into a brand name school at all costs just because it might produce a genius out of every hot-housed child.
Personally, I'll go for a mid-range pri school, and whether my kid goes to a bigger or smaller sec sch pond after that is up to the kid's ability.
Whilst it is attractive to argue that 'the school doesn't matter' and that any neighbourhood school will do for pri and sec, more rigorous studies might show up the fallacies in that theory, since not all kids will thrive and be big fishes in small ponds. My intuition is that such studies would show that 80% of children from neighbourhood schools (talking abt those that have many many vacanices even after Phase 2C) are not big fish who are better for their experience in that school.
It's debatable whether a child who becomes part of that top few in a neighbourhood pri sch is better off (self-esteem wise in the long run?) than a child who is always mid-range in a 'better' pri sch but gets the same PSLE score (and thus same opportunities in sec sch choice) as the neighbourhood sch's top scorer.
Ultimately as a parent, you will have to decide what is best for your child's development as an individual, and overall well-being (mental and emotional stress level), based on your personal knowledge of your child that no one else has! -
toddles:
but but but...our child is a personality and person by himself, and do we know him well enough or he knows himself well enough?
I was grateful that I accepted the challenge, in a way, to go to that sec school, instead of choosing a smaller pond so that I could continue topping it. In fact, it seems a bit unhealthy if taken to the extreme, to hold oneself back from challenges just so as to preserve one's ego of always being top! A bit feeble and cowardly instead of being humble?
Ultimately as a parent, you will have to decide what is best for your child's development as an individual, and overall well-being (mental and emotional stress level), based on your personal knowledge of your child that no one else has!
it is again a fine line to tread with regards to how far we should stretch our kid. should we be confident that they will emerge to be a tougher person, or collapse under pressure? should we take their feedback as one that only want an easy way out or a genuine cry for help?
as much as i want my boy to cherish the opportunity get into a big pond, should i force him to if he express outright refusal to embrace change?
my parents' philosophy in parenting is not to stretch our limits; theirs is one that is to avoid pressuring their kids into mental institutions. good effort is good enough.
my dh's philosophy in parenting is not to stretch his limits; it is to know when to exit as there are other stuff in life besides academic pursuits.
maybe that's why we are not highflyers? :roll:
i get sleepless nights worrying that my parenting decisions will impact my kid's future. -
Agree. Agree. Agree. Agree........agree....agree....agree...
Agree. Agree. Agree. Agree........agree....agree....agree...
still agreeing.......
Soooo many of you make very valid and good points.....so agreeing with all
Guess we all just have to decide based on our child's character and hopefully, we help make the right choice for them.
Took my P5 son's cue and left him in neighborhood school....but think he is the one who is more competitive and like what jedamum mentioned, like an arowana fish. Dunno am I limiting his growth.....but he is happy so cross my fingers for his PSLE next year......hopefully, he can get into good sec school and have more opportunities opened up for him.
Convinced my P4 DD to transfer to a much better school this year ...... academically she is moving forward, but getting a little bit more difficult to handle. Previously she's very easy-going, but to survive in environment where everyone seems so assertive, she is getting more demanding too
But she is more low profile & lazy, dun want to get involved in competition, so even tho opportunities are thrown at her, she has rejected them.....so sayang. But per Chenoneau mentioned, at least she has choices...... -
cwc,
pmed you. -
Ask the kids. I always ask mine.
After DD got into her big secondary school pond, my heart broke every 2nd weekend because she failed so many quizzes in Sec 1 that she was in tears every 2nd Saturday morning. Her father looked at her and said "If you fail often enough, you’ll get used to it". He was trying to comfort her but it made her angry and cry even more.
It got so bad that I asked her if she wanted to transfer out. She thought for 2 weeks and said "No". Then I marched to school and confronted a teacher who explained that the school deliberately gives the Sec 1 kids these failure experiences to build resilience for later on.
That was when I shut up.
But when I saw how my DS was failing early this year, I also heart pain and worried for his emotional health. My DS was starting to think he was a loser. I helped him up because I want him to believe in himself. However, now that he has begun to conquer mountains, he doesn’t want to stop! I wondered aloud if it were possible for him to top the class in Chinese (which he has been failing till now)… and he looked at me and said…
"Mom, it is unlikely but I really would like to give that a shot. After all, I have come so far in 10 months."
Today, he has Chinese compo exam. He went to bed last night with a fever of 39.8. His father wanted him to stay at home today and skip his exam. But nooooooooooo… DS said that he was SO going to school to do his Chinese compo exam because he had worked VERY HARD and did not want to WASTE the effort. If he didn’t go, the school might take his low average over SA1 and CA2 and count that. So he went to school.
I told him to call me the moment he felt sick and didn’t want to take his exam. Ask the kids. They should have a say in what they want. Then all we need to do is to support them. I think it isn’t the challenges you meet in life that kill you, but whether or not you meet them ALL ALONE or with loving people by your side, who believe in you and respect your choices. The gift of companionship is the most valuable a parent can give a child.
Very often, I even ask my DS whether he wants to SKIP school. In the end, he is the one who fights me to be able to go to school because I simply think his teachers waste his time in school with ineffective teaching. He learns faster at home and has more time to clown around. At the last convo we had, he said "Mom, you promised that you would never stop me from going to school again." -
many a times, kids are clueless on what they want. they take cues from their parent’s unspoken behaviour and expectations. (ok, sometimes kids also know what they want…so when is this ‘sometimes’ reliable?)
so is my decision going to be totally based on his welfare or am i subconsciously affected by my own preconceived decision? -
Chenonceau:
:goodpost:Ask the kids. They should have a say in what they want. Then all we need to do is to support them. I think it isn't the challenges you meet in life that kill you, but whether or not you meet them ALL ALONE or with loving people by your side, who believe in you and respect your choices. The gift of companionship is the most valuable a parent can give a child.
For my dd2, she knows exactly what she wants. I support. And of course offer my tempered opinion (objection) if I find it too unrealistic or ambitious.
For dd1, she doesn't know what she wants if given choices. I analyse the situation for her. If still undecisive, I exercise my influence over her to make the 'right' decision in my opinion -
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