Defiant kid/ anger management

[cnimed]

I’m not sure if this is in the right track, but I do know that three boys aged 7 and below in the house can be a recipe for lots of fights and friction. It’s very exasperating and extremely tiring, but after talking to many mothers, I now know that fighting among boys are normal, and how we manage their fights has a very important impact on their relationships with each other as well as their relationships with us.


When things go well at home, they will be open to reasoning and cooperating outside of home (ie in the school). It also work the other way round - if things go badly in school, they may bring it home and pick trouble with their siblings instead of telling us they have a bad day. It happens to me at least twice weekly because of bad bus runs.

From your descriptions, things seem to be going quite badly for your 7 years old now both at home (fighting with siblings and probably disciplined for it), and in school (complaints from various teachers). I suggest actually taking him out for a 1-1 outing or ice cream treat, and getting him to open up on his feelings. Maybe he feels that discipline at home is unfair. Or perhaps he feels that school is boring and other children are not very nice, and all the teachers are picking on him etc. It does not matter whether you agree or not, just let him get his feelings out and then move from there. If you are busy with the younger children, your husband can take him out. DH takes ds1 out 1-1 quite often and I can see that it’s very therapeutic for ds1.

If discipline is a sore point, consider if it has been fair to him. He sounds like an intelligent boy, and he may not accept the common stand that an older child must always give in to the younger child. We do not advocate this at home because my elder one gets very angry and my younger one will take advantage. However, my elder child must understand that a younger child has a different level of understanding and pain threshold, and he must practise restraint and understanding and we praise him for that. Regarding the use of physical force, I always exclaim over newspaper reports on child abuse and say how TERRIBLE it is for someone so much bigger to hit a smaller person and I would explain the fragility of a young body. At the same time, if my elder one does come to me with complaints, I will give him a fair hearing and then summon the younger one over, follow up with an apology and an offering of a special sweet to pacify. If the child knows that matters will be settled fairly, he is less likely to hit.

With regards to school, maybe you can try to appeal to his sense of generosity? Since he already knows his work, he is probably bored. You can emphasize to him the difficulties the teachers have dealing with thirty in the class. Use humour - I tell my son that I’m already running circles around the two of them, I can’t imagine his poor teachers having to cope with thirty. I tell him - by the time the teachers get home, I bet they can’t wait to curl up in bed and hide under the blankets to recover from the day’s trauma. I also tell him about teachers suffering from nervous breakdown, losing their voices, etc so he can see that they are humans too and understand where they are coming from. You can also suggest some activities for him to do in class when he’s bored, and maybe get some advice from the teachers on that.

good luck!

[lcheong88]

Thank you all for sharing your valuable views. Appreciated.


I will try out the suggested method.

Perhaps bring him out on 1-1 basis may help.

He may feel rivalry competition from the other 2 younger brothers… maybe we should work on the re-assessing the disciplinary actions for the 3 brothers.

[cnimed]

I must admit discipline and sibling rivalry can be such a tricky thing. I had one very bad year with them 1.5 years ago. One very popular book on sibling rivalry is Siblings without Rivalry (haha!), available at the NLB. Not all the methods may be acceptable to us, but worth a look. One useful tip I picked up is to validate the negative feelings - so I tell ds1, yes, he is angry, of course he is angry and I would be angry too if it happened to me when I was a child, BUT he cannot hit. If he hits, I will still punish my younger child for his misdeeds, but I will also be compelled to punish ds1 for hitting.


I do also sometimes borrow books on anger management for children that teach them to control their breathing, or go to a quiet spot to cool down. They can learn these methods and gain themselves a few extra minutes before acting. Managing feelings of aggression is especially valuable and pertinent to boys, and I see it as a worthwhile investment in their longterm success in life. The good thing is if your eldest child can master his emotions - and he definitely can with your support - , the younger ones will learn to do so more easily through observation. Worth it! :celebrate:

[SBKS]

Chenonceau:

smurf:

Sigh...where is 2ppaamm and chenonceau?? :?:

I am not sure what to say... Maybe some knowledge of Conservation of Resources Theory may help? My son's teacher (last year) had the whole class eating out of her hand using a derivative technique from Conservation of Resources Theory.

For more details, see here...
http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2010/04/conservation-of-resources-theory.html

This is not a theory for bringing up kids but I have found it useful to apply to my kids. If you praise a lot a lot a lot... and you are always tender and loving and warm... and understanding and cuddly... then the moment you even look a bit sad or unhappy, your kids will do anything to get back the smiley and nice mom because they want that resource back.

However, if you are mostly moody and down and tired... and you are nice only when your son gets angry, then your son learns that if he wants a nice mommy, he should get angry.

All kids want are a nice mommy. Unfortunately, they want her all the time, and it's tiring. I am very firm about one rule. If they throw tantrums at me, they don't get anything they want. The nice mommy becomes cold and aloof. The rest of the time, I try to be very nice (it isn't that bad lah... not that tiring... I love to cuddle my kids and make them laugh).

On days when I am moody, I ask for alone time. The signals are very clear. I will say that I don't feel well and need to rest, and it's mommy's day off from work (and children count as my work). So shooooo... go away.

The beginning may be difficult if you tend to be a moody person. You need to be very very very warm for a sustained period of time and turn OFF the warmth when he gets angry with you.

And in our house, one thing is very clear... angry outbursts NEVER get you what you want. And I do mean NEVER even if you're the mother-in-law. It's an important lesson for kids to learn because they'll get into trouble as adults if they think angry outbursts are acceptable behavior.

excellent theory...nvr struck me this way.. :goodpost:

[SBKS]

Chenonceau:

smurf:

Actually it's ok for a child to be angry sometimes, but for my boy, it has reached a point where I no longer know what to do because I think if he is bigger, I think he would fight me! he cannto control his temper and would flare up anytime he wants. Simply thing example, if I didn't hear him or didn't answer immediately, he would flare up. And keep blaming me for everything.he would say, 'u, dun want to answer me, dun want to help me, see lah, now I cant do this, cant do that.' he blames me for everything.


It's reached a point that the doesn't know what is respect at all.

Don't give in to bad temper. You give in, you feed that temper. Don't also yourself get into bad temper because that too feeds a bad temper.

You can place the child in his room or ignore him until he calms down. Then, you be nice... ask why, talk, comfort, cuddle. Then you explain nicely that you don't like him to shout at you, and when he does, you will not pay attention to him.

Devise a schedule of time together, every morning from XX time to XX time, so that he knows you will spend time with him.

Have a signal for alone time. My kids know that when the study room door is closed, I must not be disturbed. I communicate it and I enforce. But of course, I don't close my study room door the whole day. Other times, I go to bed and tell them I am ill, and they can come to comfort me but not disturb my rest.

I am guessing that you have given in to his tantrums before. This must stop. One must NEVER give in to tantrums, not even once. It encourages tantrum development.

Hi Chenonceau,

I am very curious, on the part that is bold.

so if u tell him that, then may i ask, do you scold or yell at him before? did he learn from you and ignore you cos you yell at him? should he do that to you also? you know lah, kids like to emulate parents or their caregivers. so if u told him yelling is no good then do you ever yell at him for not listening to you or misbehaving?

no offence. not nitpicking...if u gt the above solution then you are my saviour...my DD is behaving like me now...yelling when she is angry with something..which i yelled at her for misbehaving and not listening.

TIA.

[Ekari]

Have you tried an alternative approach? Maybe let him connect with people outside of the house more often. Sometimes, bring him to the park or the mall. Let him see more of the world if you know what I mean. I don't know if it will surely help but no harm trying right?


Sometimes, anger are not generated because he was furious of your reply. Have you monitored how your children behave without you around? It's good to know, maybe he feel left out or something.

Or you can try sending him to camps or something let him interact with other children his age. Have some fun and he might just come back differently.

Check out: http://www.applepie.com.sg

Try their holiday program maybe.

[tankee]

Ekari:

Have you tried an alternative approach? Maybe let him connect with people outside of the house more often. Sometimes, bring him to the park or the mall. Let him see more of the world if you know what I mean. I don't know if it will surely help but no harm trying right?


Sometimes, anger are not generated because he was furious of your reply. Have you monitored how your children behave without you around? It's good to know, maybe he feel left out or something.

Or you can try sending him to camps or something let him interact with other children his age. Have some fun and he might just come back differently.

Check out: http://www.applepie.com.sg

Try their holiday program maybe.

how would a holiday camp be useful in this case? :?

[Oppsgal]

smurf:

I dunno where to post this, so I start a new thread.


My boy who is 6 now has anger management problem I suspect, and he is very emotional.

This scenario happens on daily basis:

Sometimes when I'm busy, maybe doing some writing or making milk, etc. My boy would come to me and ask some questions (very joyously), no anger. When I told him sternly or firmly, 'mama is busy now'. Sometimes I add in, 'can I do it later?. IMMEDIATELY, he changes colour. Change from joy to angry, very angry. Almost furious. And he will REFUSE to talk to me even when I answer his question. If I dun answer him or ignore him, he will NOT let go,he will remember and remember and will later use this to rebuke me later, for whatever reason. 记仇 I would say.

Sometimes i would ask him, 'what's wrong with you?' then he will be angrier.

When I ask him some questions, sometimes he answers them nicely, but sometimes, he shouts. I dunno for what reason, he shouts. After that, he would apologize for his bad manner. he does know that these are bad manner and behavior.
I dunno why he behaves the way he behaves (hooligan behave I called that).

I really dunno what to do. I read up the web, and came across this : oppositional defiant disorder

Do I need to bring him to see a physchiatrist? :?:

Try giving him a few of your tasks to do. Tell him after he finish up your work for you, you got the time then can answer him :?

[smurf]

Oh…he has past that phase already…now not so angry anymore…

[Oppsgal]

smurf:

Oh...he has past that phase already...now not so angry anymore...

Can share how to make him past the phrase? Next time if happen to my kid when reach the same age, can use too.