Need an advice on office relationship matters
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Spiderlily…sorry to hear about your story and twice you have to suffer the infidelity by your hub. Maybe the good news is he really learnt his lesson well after 2 times. Some people need to make the same mistake twice to learn. I used to have this argument with 3Boys as well and I am insistent that we have to have the strength to reject temptation instead of depending on the spouse to provide the support to avoid the temptation. After mulling over it, I start to accept his viewpoint that his could be another strategy to avoid a disaster in a marriage. I don’t think he cares lesser for his children. He just deems that putting the focus on the spouses would naturally in turn benefit his children. So for his case, if he does it that way, the strength in the marriage would naturally help his children to grow up healthily and perhaps less problems? Different strokes for different people. Perhaps maternal instinct draw us a little closer to the kids but I do not reject his approach now even though my approach is still about dependent on oneself’s own inner strength or rational self to fend off temptation.
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ksi:
Spiderlily...sorry to hear about your story and twice you have to suffer the infidelity by your hub. Maybe the good news is he really learnt his lesson well after 2 times. Some people need to make the same mistake twice to learn. I used to have this argument with 3Boys as well and I am insistent that we have to have the strength to reject temptation instead of depending on the spouse to provide the support to avoid the temptation. After mulling over it, I start to accept his viewpoint that his could be another strategy to avoid a disaster in a marriage. I don't think he cares lesser for his children. He just deems that putting the focus on the spouses would naturally in turn benefit his children. So for his case, if he does it that way, the strength in the marriage would naturally help his children to grow up healthily and perhaps less problems? Different strokes for different people. Perhaps maternal instinct draw us a little closer to the kids but I do not reject his approach now even though my approach is still about dependent on oneself's own inner strength or rational self to fend off temptation.
:hi5: agree dr!! -
Interesting side-topic about colleagues holding hands, hugging, etc. I am the more outgoing and friendly one compared to my DH. I have a few male friends that I have known for many years, and sometimes we would even 'date' like going to a play or dinner. One of them, a caucasian, once even bought me a stalk of rose when we went for a play and of course, playing the part, I hung onto his elbow, lah. Of course I know his wife, too and we would double-date whenever she's in town. And yes, there would be that kiss kiss right side left side. They are old enough to be my parents.
Then, there is that big hug that I gave to my ex-boss when he finally decided enough was enough and he was leaving the organisation.... maybe a few more times like when I was so thankful to him for supporting my new role as a new mother.
But I would be frank - it felt totally alright and natural when I let someone do that cheek-kissing thing... or hung on to someone's elbow... but once my DH's university friend visited and it felt so absurd seeing her and my DH do the same! :stompfeet: I had to swallow whatever I felt (and braced myself to be kissed).
I think the intent (of the other person), and our own perception and intent is the key thing. What's on our mind when we did it? Did we think it was friendship, lust, or \"maybe can go further\"? -
Funz:
Funz,As for valvestate, what can I say. I think it is normal for even married people to find themselves being drawn to others. Been there before, more than once. :oops: The more important thing is whether you act on that attraction.
It is good that you recognise it for what it is instead of being in denial with the ever popular 'we are just friends' excuse. So now that you know you are drawn to her, minimise the possibility of spending time with her alone. If she asks you for lunch, drag a few other blokes along. If she sms you regarding work by all means reply, if not, ignore. She buys you breakfast, tell her thanks, maybe she can give it to someone else since you are not a breakfast person. If she is just being friendly, she would not mind all that. If she is harbouring the same attraction, it may dissuade her from pursuing it.
Good advice!
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MMM:
Perhaps, ksi, can add in vomit smilie?
I am afraid if I tell him, he will scrutinise me/ banned me from travelling to PRC.Mychildren:
MMM,
If my boss like that & Dh knows, he'll definitely ask me to quit.
Eg. last 2 nites, he called me at 10plus to talk business. After which, I was working on some stuff for him. dh made some comments that my work is not easy...and I joked that... yaloh... boss \"need to hear my voice\" then can go to bed.... what to do ??? He was like yah... hear your voice... (err... where is the vomit out emoticon?)
MMM,
Guys going to PRC more dangerous, a lot of temptation there. :nailbite: -
northernstar:
[/quote][/quote]
Then, u're safe!Mychildren:
[quote=\"northernstar]
whenever there's a hot woman in the movie, i also like to ask my DH whether he has any response. then, he will say 'no la, crazy!' :roll:
but i thought normal men will have some responses hee...[/quote][/quote][/quote]
Nope, should have different response. Can ask any male consultant here. Kekeke
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Joule:
Valvestate is not steam or engine but related to this....
Valvestate = he either plays / played computer games such as Half-Life or Counterstrike. Reason: Valve is related to Steam which is the dl engine for these games![](\"http://cs110.wellesley.edu/lectures/history/vacuum_tubes.jpg\")
http://cs110.wellesley.edu/lectures/history/vacuum_tubes.jpg\">
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Spiderlily:
Ok, I c your story now. Sighing... as I do not know how to comfort u, dear. :hugs:Is valve estate having us on? I dunno. Anyway, I joined just to post on this, because sounds so much like what I went through on the wifey's side, but no PRC involved.
If this is for real...I will be very surprised if V's wife does not sense that something is amiss.
And as the wife, I much rather know instead of being the fool, hearing lame excuses that are cover up, or being shouted at because someone is feeling guilty. One look straight in the eye, one jump when on the computer/iPhone/iPad - it shows. As long as you have something to hide, you know deep inside that you are crossing the line.
Let me be the devil's advocate. Why should we urge him to protect his marriage? His wife may find someone better. A least she will have some honesty and sincerity in her life without him. If she is smart, she will be checking through her finances and making sure she can survive on her own.
As he said hmself, there is nothing very wrong between his wife and him. He wants the stability of family life, and the side romance. Just like my husband. Yes, still my husband because of the children. I found out when I was heavily pregnant with our first child, the woman sent me all their romantic emails and jibes about their romps, flowery words about their scents \"co mingling in the pillow\". Like vernetta lopez's journal hor? he begged me to forgive him, arranged for counselling, and he gave me all his email passwords - and then I caught him again four years later, an office romance.
He knelt down and begged me not to leave him, he begged my mother to help him, my children pleaded for him.
I am still with him today. He treats me well and helps out and comes home early everyday, and arrange for the boys to go to his parents so we can go to the movies sometimes. He buys me jewelry and clothes whenever he travels. He still changes the radio channel whenever the discussion is about infidelity. He was my first and only bf, and we dated for 6 years before marrying. But the joke is, he used to be the center of my life. Now I don't think I can even shed a tear for him if he dies in a car crash. my eyes are dry by now. The only reason I stay is because he is now a good father. If he fails in this role, he is out for sure.
When I see the thread by 3boys on how to flame proof one's marriage by putting spouse first, then children, I want to laugh. It reminds me of Black Widow's line - \"love is for children\". Have you ever had a sickly child who cries every night from discomfort and pain? Who cries every day during shower because washing the wounds hurt so much? Put a tiny scrawny toddler in pain next to a big strapping adult, I say the child wins every single time. every. Single. Time. If you cannot put the child before yourself, if you cannot stick out the challenging times, you are not man enough for me. -
Nebbermind:
Nebbermind,
Valvestate is not steam or engine but related to this....Joule:
Valvestate = he either plays / played computer games such as Half-Life or Counterstrike. Reason: Valve is related to Steam which is the dl engine for these games
Don't play play here. -
Mychildren:
Nebbermind,
Valvestate is not steam or engine but related to this....Nebbermind:
[quote=\"Joule\"]
Valvestate = he either plays / played computer games such as Half-Life or Counterstrike. Reason: Valve is related to Steam which is the dl engine for these games
Don't play play here.[/quote] :scratchhead: where got??!!
Valve state is related to vacuum valve/tube mah...maybe u ask him how he got his nick.
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