dunno is im not a good wife or he just wan to find fault
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Funz, i do agree with you that she needs to mention this issue to her husband. But she needs to choose the correct place and time for that. If she immediately said to her husband when he said those things that it hurts, i dont think it’s a good idea. She will be high emotionally and she may come across exasperated. Her husband would think that she was opposing him, even the intention may not be such. A suitable time to discuss this could be over a nice home cooked dinner for example. This way everybody will be calm and the situation has the least chance to escalate to something worse.
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cfan:
Wow.... :udawoman:Hi
I have been through that..... I still don't know how to tell you to ignore or accept what he does is ok. Furthermore when they are at this \"stage\" whatever you say or do will just add \"fuel to fire\"
Maybe now I have already been so used to it I don't feel a thing.
The best part is now he sort of realise that he is at fault for using all these \"hurtful\" words, we shall see
I already told him I am not a perfect wife
Since he has found another \"woman\" who is so \"perfect\" let it be
God knows I have tried.
I am only doing my best for my kids and only God will know how hard I have tried.
Focus your attention and energy on raising your children well
You owe them that
Don't focus on the unhappiness, just focus on the positive.
Hope one day everything will turn out ok for you......
All the best....
:hugs:
I have the same thoughts....with you.... -
Dreamaurora:
Funz, i do agree with you that she needs to mention this issue to her husband. But she needs to choose the correct place and time for that. If she immediately said to her husband when he said those things that it hurts, i dont think it's a good idea. She will be high emotionally and she may come across exasperated. Her husband would think that she was opposing him, even the intention may not be such. A suitable time to discuss this could be over a nice home cooked dinner for example. This way everybody will be calm and the situation has the least chance to escalate to something worse.
But I believe that TS, will be able to control her emotions. She has afterall been able to accept such treatment without making any scenes. Thing is, if not handled when the situation arises, there is a high chance that it will be swept under the carpet again.
But at the end of the day it is up to TS to decide how and when she wants to broach the subject or if she even want to talk to her DH about this.
I went through a period of this with DH when he was going through depression. I learned that if I do not voice out when the incident happened, I tend to let it slide in the hope that things will improve and this will be a non issue. And when I try to broach the subject after biding my time, it became another blame session of why bring it up now, you did not say anything then, are you trying to pick a quarrel, why do you have to spoil a perfectly good evening. So I decided to voice out when it happened. All I said to DH was that was hurtful and unnecessary. And I was especially careful to keep my own emotions in check since I did not want DH to sink further into his dark dungeon.
If the guy is good like you or DH or most other guys, a full blown public display of ugliness is not very likely. If not, darn, I think TS should seriously consider getting more help or even the possibility of getting out of this marriage. -
Funz:
Good to hear that you managed to solve the problem with your DH. Anyway, I think the best option TS could do now is to seek a marriage counselor and explained the situation. We are after all strangers on the internet and we do not have the full picture of the situation; all our advices are based on a lot of assumptions. This issue definitely has to be treated and not swept under the carpet, but will have tread carefully as each couple is different. What may work with our spouses may not work with others..Dreamaurora:
Funz, i do agree with you that she needs to mention this issue to her husband. But she needs to choose the correct place and time for that. If she immediately said to her husband when he said those things that it hurts, i dont think it's a good idea. She will be high emotionally and she may come across exasperated. Her husband would think that she was opposing him, even the intention may not be such. A suitable time to discuss this could be over a nice home cooked dinner for example. This way everybody will be calm and the situation has the least chance to escalate to something worse.
But I believe that TS, will be able to control her emotions. She has afterall been able to accept such treatment without making any scenes. Thing is, if not handled when the situation arises, there is a high chance that it will be swept under the carpet again.
But at the end of the day it is up to TS to decide how and when she wants to broach the subject or if she even want to talk to her DH about this.
I went through a period of this with DH when he was going through depression. I learned that if I do not voice out when the incident happened, I tend to let it slide in the hope that things will improve and this will be a non issue. And when I try to broach the subject after biding my time, it became another blame session of why bring it up now, you did not say anything then, are you trying to pick a quarrel, why do you have to spoil a perfectly good evening. So I decided to voice out when it happened. All I said to DH was that was hurtful and unnecessary. And I was especially careful to keep my own emotions in check since I did not want DH to sink further into his dark dungeon.
If the guy is good like you or DH or most other guys, a full blown public display of ugliness is not very likely. If not, darn, I think TS should seriously consider getting more help or even the possibility of getting out of this marriage. -
Dreamaurora:
Yah, true. But I have this to say to TS.
Good to hear that you managed to solve the problem with your DH. Anyway, I think the best option TS could do now is to seek a marriage counselor and explained the situation. We are after all strangers on the internet and we do not have the full picture of the situation; all our advices are based on a lot of assumptions. This issue definitely has to be treated and not swept under the carpet, but will have tread carefully as each couple is different. What may work with our spouses may not work with others..
You have a part to play in how he has treated you, is treating you and how he will treat you going forward.
We can offer you our views, share our experiences, but you know your situation best. If venting here helps you deal with the situation, by all means vent. If you intend to work it through with your DH, draw strength from close friends and family members and your faith if you have one. -
Dreamaurora:
Good to hear that you managed to solve the problem with your DH. Anyway, I think the best option TS could do now is to seek a marriage counselor and explained the situation. We are after all strangers on the internet and we do not have the full picture of the situation; all our advices are based on a lot of assumptions. This issue definitely has to be treated and not swept under the carpet, but will have tread carefully as each couple is different. What may work with our spouses may not work with others..[/quote]very well well well well said.... especially the line in red... we are just exchanging opinions and views... not experts...Funz:
[quote=\"Dreamaurora\"]Funz, i do agree with you that she needs to mention this issue to her husband. But she needs to choose the correct place and time for that. If she immediately said to her husband when he said those things that it hurts, i dont think it's a good idea. She will be high emotionally and she may come across exasperated. Her husband would think that she was opposing him, even the intention may not be such. A suitable time to discuss this could be over a nice home cooked dinner for example. This way everybody will be calm and the situation has the least chance to escalate to something worse.
But I believe that TS, will be able to control her emotions. She has afterall been able to accept such treatment without making any scenes. Thing is, if not handled when the situation arises, there is a high chance that it will be swept under the carpet again.
But at the end of the day it is up to TS to decide how and when she wants to broach the subject or if she even want to talk to her DH about this.
I went through a period of this with DH when he was going through depression. I learned that if I do not voice out when the incident happened, I tend to let it slide in the hope that things will improve and this will be a non issue. And when I try to broach the subject after biding my time, it became another blame session of why bring it up now, you did not say anything then, are you trying to pick a quarrel, why do you have to spoil a perfectly good evening. So I decided to voice out when it happened. All I said to DH was that was hurtful and unnecessary. And I was especially careful to keep my own emotions in check since I did not want DH to sink further into his dark dungeon.
If the guy is good like you or DH or most other guys, a full blown public display of ugliness is not very likely. If not, darn, I think TS should seriously consider getting more help or even the possibility of getting out of this marriage.
u must filter some away if not suitable in ur case... we do not mean harm to u if any solution given is the start of another problem.. -
been through that some how. you will continue to please earnestly. soon you will loose your self esteem. soon you will reach your threshold. soon it will be too late. try to communicate during peaceful or happy times before the bomb ignites. do not sweep the problem away. it will not be buried. it will surface and haunt and hurt you more than you know.
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verykiasumummy:
I try by saying back e words he use on me... or lighten e words to be used.. it turns out rather more complicated...
it sounds like u r having a great hell of time in ur family...bunnievivi:
I need advice... im married for 5 years with 2 boys age 3 and 4. Ever since i had my 1st boy born out, whateva i do.. my hubby will find fault with me. Why do i always be the one care n bother about kids and family things when he only find fault in me?
Buy food, the seller mever put chilli when i said i want chilli, my fault.
When q-ing for food, i reaponse slow, im timid and useless.
When i got bullied by workplace people, i brainless.
When bring kids out, kids fall down, im blind.
When he promise to go out with kids and back out. Im selfish.
When i want to go out eat with friends, im money spender.
When he put words into my mouth, i face other side, im playing mind games and i need to watch out.
Is there a need to push me to e end?
How i wish i can earn more money! So i can bring my sons for enrichment course!!!!
Just enquiries ffom sch for some helps, im wearing big hat with no brain.
I just feel so tired!!!!
i do agree that men have their ego and we wifes have to boost their ego at times to make them feel good... but this is certainly not at the expense of your sufferings...
a gd husband will know when to stop his egoism when he sensed that wife is not right.. if he fails to realise that, means either u r giving in way too much or that he is insensitive to u or that he doesnt even bother..
no matter what it is, u should voice out your opinion.. use his words back on him... eg if he were to make another mistake somehow, u can tell him off using the same words n manner he scolded u with... make him realise that he had been doing this to u all the time..
if he is gd enough, u can look forward to a better life ahead... but if not, u need to try other ways to make him change his attitude towards u... there is -no such thing as a always-accomodating-wife + take-for-granted-husband = obedient kids.
whatever he does to u, ur kids will follow too... they will say, \"daddy also does that\"...
I do understand cos he has no one to vent his frustration on.. n it juz left that im e only 1 and sort of his last target... but hes really pulling down my self esteem and confidence....
I do realised... now when im with him... i cant be myself... but when im outisde... im who im...
Then when talk out with him e words he used on me is painful... but he will say i deserve it cos im really that lousy... -
I appreciate all the helps and solution given by everyone here… i have take note alog of things… maybe to the very last resort… get professional to solve… meanwhile i shall try to solve within myself… but e losing of confidence… does have big impact towafds me for sometimes already… im backing out from my friends…
Cos e only solution given was… divorce… -
cfan:
Thats what im doing.. i did show him all e love and support..Hi
I have been through that..... I still don't know how to tell you to ignore or accept what he does is ok. Furthermore when they are at this \"stage\" whatever you say or do will just add \"fuel to fire\"
Maybe now I have already been so used to it I don't feel a thing.
The best part is now he sort of realise that he is at fault for using all these \"hurtful\" words, we shall see
I already told him I am not a perfect wife
Since he has found another \"woman\" who is so \"perfect\" let it be
God knows I have tried.
I am only doing my best for my kids and only God will know how hard I have tried.
Focus your attention and energy on raising your children well
You owe them that
Don't focus on the unhappiness, just focus on the positive.
Hope one day everything will turn out ok for you......
All the best....
:hugs:
When we plan to get marry i already mentioned i cant be e real good perfect wife... especially when it comes to household stuffs...
When im done with my productions of 2 boys... i told him.. i have done e very best i can.. and cant imaging with the kinda super low cost to educate my children..
Especially e part i bave to use my company printer to print the worksheet and stuffs i hadto educate my children. People in my workplace juz feel im cheapskate.. but yea.. thats my only way..
Till now.. my hubby doesnt know... why i need to this... cos e final response from him.. im cheapskate... and throw his face...
Sigh.....
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