All About Autism
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lavendery:
Lavendery, reading your life experience brought a lot of mixed emotions to me.Based on my own personal experience, its not easy asking a man to seek counseling. Cos guys usually cares a lot about \"face\".
Like wise my husband who is an aspie, he has meltdown too, shouting and kneel down and kowtowing on the floor. Sometimes i will be mean and threaten to take video and told him that i will upload in facebook to show all his colleagues. He has display lesser kowtowing symptoms since then.
But in return, he will have more patterns, such as body rocking, arm swinging and smearing nose mucus all over his arms and face.
If your husbands ever try to be violent, try talk calmly with him. If nothing works, perhaps you need to use the harder approach such as threatening to take video of him taking anger onto the poor child, perhaps it might works?
However i face lesser stress than you as i'm living seperately with him and i'm raising my girl myself.
I feel thankful that I have a supportive family - please dont get me wrong its not my intention to gloat on what I have, its just that your experience has been a good mirror for me to reflect on what I have and I thank you for teaching me.
I feel glad that you have found a path for yourself and your daughter despite the hardship. There will always be stress - financial, resources, lack of support (society or otherwise) - but despite the adversities we make the best out of what we have. I salute you for your great strength in able to handle two close family members with similar issues.
I also feel sad that your husband has not been able to sustain the marriage. The fact just became starker to me about the mutual challenges for ASD individuals to maintain an intimate relationship. While I do not expect my daughter to have her own family in the future and my rational self is able to explain the logic behind this, my emotional self still feels great sadness in witnessing this in a fellow individual.
We grow wiser with every experience that we go through. -
Lavendery,
Thanks for sharing your experience. You are one strong woman. I respect you for that. Its really not easy being a single mum, moreoever, single mum of a special needs child.
Helplessmum,
I feel that life is about choices and priorities. You can make yourself feel good or you can choose to whine, blame everyone, play victim and make yourself miserable.
What I am going to write is harsh here, you can don't read what I have to say. If you think I am very disrespectful then I am sorry you feel that way. I only respect mothers who help and respect themselves.
Your hubby went into depression and you sharing here with us is not going to help. You either get him help, make him wake up his idea, leave him, threaten him, get his family/good friends to talk to him. However, you choose not to do anything about it. And say in his current state, you cant ask him to do housework?!?? All I can say is you brought this upon yourself.
You have a choice. You have chosen to let him be the way he is... Being a spouse is to encourage each other, help out each other, being there for each other. You are just letting him be what he is.. then whine to us instead of doing something to let him snap out of it.
Next, you say your are financially tight. There are ways to work around the system. You can appeal to your MP, you can quit your job and do part time so your income will be lower then you get more subsidy and more time for your boy or you can ask your hb to work part time. He is anything better than sitting at home. Again, you just whine, saying govt not giving enough grant, everything so ex, subsidized therapy at HPB sucks.. you rather not go cos it takes so much of your time, leave and effort and you dun see results. The way I read your post is that its causing more inconvenience to you than the benefit it brings to your son. Therapy is not a one time session that allows you to see results immediately.
I see that you want something that is cheap, effective, near your place, at your convenience without sweating it out... sorry, there is no such things in the world. If there is, I also want. Therefore, again, this is a choice, you chosen not to take up the therapy at HPB, then whine again say govt service sucks, not helping you.
Lastly, I feel you care about yourself more than your son. I feel that you are a very very self centered person. You always say Why god give you this son, why he is ASD, why he is this and why he is that.
Do you try to think from his perspective? Is he happy? When he is happy, aren't you contented? All of us mummies here want our ASD kids to be safe, happy and independent. Your priority is for him to become some ideal son you always dream of and not accepting who he is.
Through your post, I think you are still hoping your child is some genius and hoping for him to turn out to be something like temple grandin?
You seriously need to wake up your idea and stop putting so much pressure on your kid and hoping him to be someone big when you dont even know where his potential is.
Like I say, life is about priorities and choices. You have made your life the way it is today. Sad, hectic, stressful and miserable. I do not empathize you like the way other kind mummies do here. There are many many people worse off than you. And you, being a capable mother, choose to whine instead of doing constructive things for your son and hubby.
Stop saying you never study enough, not enough money, stupid, cannot read. You had an iphone, really poor people doesnt own iphones, really busy folks doesn't watch korean dramas like the \"bread something\" that you hope your boy to become.. and you seemed to be constantly posting on the forum and you say you have no time? -
nugget:
*applause*Lavendery,
Thanks for sharing your experience. You are one strong woman. I respect you for that. Its really not easy being a single mum, moreoever, single mum of a special needs child.
Helplessmum,
I feel that life is about choices and priorities. You can make yourself feel good or you can choose to whine, blame everyone, play victim and make yourself miserable.
What I am going to write is harsh here, you can don't read what I have to say. If you think I am very disrespectful then I am sorry you feel that way. I only respect mothers who help and respect themselves.
Your hubby went into depression and you sharing here with us is not going to help. You either get him help, make him wake up his idea, leave him, threaten him, get his family/good friends to talk to him. However, you choose not to do anything about it. And say in his current state, you cant ask him to do housework?!?? All I can say is you brought this upon yourself.
You have a choice. You have chosen to let him be the way he is... Being a spouse is to encourage each other, help out each other, being there for each other. You are just letting him be what he is.. then whine to us instead of doing something to let him snap out of it.
Next, you say your are financially tight. There are ways to work around the system. You can appeal to your MP, you can quit your job and do part time so your income will be lower then you get more subsidy and more time for your boy or you can ask your hb to work part time. He is anything better than sitting at home. Again, you just whine, saying govt not giving enough grant, everything so ex, subsidized therapy at HPB sucks.. you rather not go cos it takes so much of your time, leave and effort and you dun see results. The way I read your post is that its causing more inconvenience to you than the benefit it brings to your son. Therapy is not a one time session that allows you to see results immediately.
I see that you want something that is cheap, effective, near your place, at your convenience without sweating it out... sorry, there is no such things in the world. If there is, I also want. Therefore, again, this is a choice, you chosen not to take up the therapy at HPB, then whine again say govt service sucks, not helping you.
Lastly, I feel you care about yourself more than your son. I feel that you are a very very self centered person. You always say Why god give you this son, why he is ASD, why he is this and why he is that.
Do you try to think from his perspective? Is he happy? When he is happy, aren't you contented? All of us mummies here want our ASD kids to be safe, happy and independent. Your priority is for him to become some ideal son you always dream of and not accepting who he is.
Through your post, I think you are still hoping your child is some genius and hoping for him to turn out to be something like temple grandin?
You seriously need to wake up your idea and stop putting so much pressure on your kid and hoping him to be someone big when you dont even know where his potential is.
Like I say, life is about priorities and choices. You have made your life the way it is today. Sad, hectic, stressful and miserable. I do not empathize you like the way other kind mummies do here. There are many many people worse off than you. And you, being a capable mother, choose to whine instead of doing constructive things for your son and hubby.
Stop saying you never study enough, not enough money, stupid, cannot read. You had an iphone, really poor people doesnt own iphones, really busy folks doesn't watch korean dramas like the \"bread something\" that you hope your boy to become.. and you seemed to be constantly posting on the forum and you say you have no time? -
I think Helplessmum’s husband also need to wake up his idea. If he is really concerned about his family, he should eat humble pie and take up any job that he can find, be it working at MacDonalds or a delivery man. Earning $600 a mth is better than nothing at all.
Helplessmum, you should stop finding excuses for your husband. Seriously, if he refuses to eat humble pie and get a job and choose to stay at home doing nothing refusing to help with housework or your son, what’s the point of staying together with such a husband?
Nugget is right. You can get help from you MP or from the new Ministry of social and family development. You may get grant to offset Childcare fees and EIPIC fees. Remember I mentioned in the forum about this girl that I have been helping? She is also from a poor family and she applied for financial aid in her Polytechnic and in the end, she hardly need to pay for any school fees in her 3 years of study. -
i have seek help already, but they say they only help for household income below then 1700.00.
i never ever say i wan my son to be temple graudin.
at times it not within my means to persuade my husband.i did try to talk to him but very hard… u know we cant change a person… im so worry he cant take it any longer he might jump or tings like tat…
The time i have to internet is this forum…
with this forum i have get some helpful tips like i cant figure out why i have to keep hoping my son previous child care to help my son… but with all mummies here, i have all sources & info & have the courage to change my son school. he process so much now… Thank God.
sorry if i whine to much. to cause destress to u mummies here.
but pls do let me stay at this forum. i get alot of help here…
im not the onlyone who say HBP therapist no good. its just my luck… and its is really very tiring to & fro HBP by bus with a son… i worried i might faint half way then my son how…
im not defenceing. i hope i can share here, as mummies here will help me to think and its really very helpful. i get help here alot…
all the helpful tips. from here.
im not good in english writing, at time i cant express well, i take a lot of time to come out a writing… -
I've been doing some self-reflection after my post yesterday. Actually I'm not sure if I am really fair to him in a way by labeling him as aspie. Cos he never get clinically diagnosed. He told me he was a scholar, degree holder with a decent job, who am I to question his mentality. But with the quirky behaviors he is exhibiting, I still feel... anyway it doesn't matter to me though.
We have been maintaining a cordial relationship as I wish my girl to born in a normal family with a dad and a mum. However he still pays 50% for my girl's speech therapy at Leapfrog and 50% of her medical/supplement fees on a monthly basis, though he kept grumbling about it. The rest are fully fock out by me. Hence I'm lamenting to turn to KKH rehab for her ST and OT.
I've called up social worker this morning and told her my predicament. The latter said that the EIPIC subsidy is strictly base on mean testing (joint income) unless I can produce divorce letter. She told me to try talk to my husband. Seem like she doesn't understands what autistic means. If only all things can be solved by just explaining...
I thought of integrated childcare too but the thought of her being in a NT environment for almost whole day, I'm really afraid she might get bullied as she has speech delay and poor surrounding awareness. In addition I also faced disagreement from my mum who feel that they will not feed her well in childcare.
I'm thinking of her future what will happen if I pass away. I won't have any sufficient savings for her and he told me upfront that he will spend away all his money before he dies and he will leave nothing for her. Thoughts of killing her before I pass away does cross my mind at times too. I hate myself for being so selfish and perhaps when she grows older, she might be like him, able to get a job and live independently. But clearly, she is really not as high functioning as him, he has very good memory, superb in Maths and science etc.
I'm still learning continuously from books, Internet, therapist and friends. I'm doing as much as I can to help her as long as its within my means and capabilities. I really hope she can be healthy, get a job and live independent like him
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Lavendery
Pardon me for suggesting this. What if you divorce him? If u divorce him, you can ask for alimony which may be much more than what you are getting from him now. And the house can be sold off, you will have a sum of money then.
I mean since you are not living together anymore, it is already not a complete family for your girl. Maybe you seek advise from a lawyer and weigh out your options.
As for savings, if you have already bought savings or education plan for your girl, then by the time she reach a certain age, she will have a sum of money.
You said he is a scholar, so I reckon his monthly earnings are quite high?
Actually I am curious. How can he hide his so-call weird behaviour from you during dating days? Even though you mentioned that you didn’t date long enough but surely for someone who is in the spectrum, he would be exhibiting some signs on a regular basis. Or perhaps he is not an Aspie but having some sort of mental disorder? -
Thanks bugget
U too have make me thinkin . Is not harsh at all -
Helpless mum,
I have no intention, power or authority to make you stay or leave.
You still dun get what I mean. All I wanted to tell you is you are in control of your life. Only thing we cannot choose is our parents and our children. We can always change boss, hubby, houses, jobs etc…
For things we cannot change, we can still chose to make the best situation out of it and be happy. Do you see the rest of us blaming people/god/govt for our situation we are in?
We totally understand how you feel and we dun feel it less painful than you. The dreams we have for our kids, the disappointment, anger and fears… however, we pick ourselves up and made a choice to lead a happier life… I am sure we all have face problems at work, at home, with parents, parents in laws, with hb and with money. But we strive cos we want to be happy and want our family and kids to be happy. Thats all because you have made different choices and priorities in your life. and thats why you are feeling the way you feel now.
Dunno if you get what I mean, anyway, I will stop here. I dun want to be seen like a cyber bully. I hope you will make the choices that make you feel happy. -
lavendery:
Actually a cc may not be that bad at all depending on the teachers. My boy also had speech delay. He always wondered about and refused to do his school work then. He hides in a corner to read bookd while others play. Somehow he managed to make some friends. Ok, more like those kids were accepting of him. There will always be one or two bullies but the rest stood up for him and took care of him.I've been doing some self-reflection after my post yesterday. Actually I'm not sure if I am really fair to him in a way by labeling him as aspie. Cos he never get clinically diagnosed. He told me he was a scholar, degree holder with a decent job, who am I to question his mentality. But with the quirky behaviors he is exhibiting, I still feel... anyway it doesn't matter to me though.
We have been maintaining a cordial relationship as I wish my girl to born in a normal family with a dad and a mum. However he still pays 50% for my girl's speech therapy at Leapfrog and 50% of her medical/supplement fees on a monthly basis, though he kept grumbling about it. The rest are fully fock out by me. Hence I'm lamenting to turn to KKH rehab for her ST and OT.
I've called up social worker this morning and told her my predicament. The latter said that the EIPIC subsidy is strictly base on mean testing (joint income) unless I can produce divorce letter. She told me to try talk to my husband. Seem like she doesn't understands what autistic means. If only all things can be solved by just explaining...
I thought of integrated childcare too but the thought of her being in a NT environment for almost whole day, I'm really afraid she might get bullied as she has speech delay and poor surrounding awareness. In addition I also faced disagreement from my mum who feel that they will not feed her well in childcare.
I'm thinking of her future what will happen if I pass away. I won't have any sufficient savings for her and he told me upfront that he will spend away all his money before he dies and he will leave nothing for her. Thoughts of killing her before I pass away does cross my mind at times too. I hate myself for being so selfish and perhaps when she grows older, she might be like him, able to get a job and live independently. But clearly, she is really not as high functioning as him, he has very good memory, superb in Maths and science etc.
I'm still learning continuously from books, Internet, therapist and friends. I'm doing as much as I can to help her as long as its within my means and capabilities. I really hope she can be healthy, get a job and live independent like him
Yes, since u are already not living with him, why not consider divorce? It may be better for u in the long run too. Esp since he doesn't display any love for his daughter as well. Staying married may not necc be a good thing. I came from a broken family myself and I see that for the sanity of the family, it's better to break up than to stay together.
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