桃花谈

[Imami]

insider:

Imami:

Insider, is everyone born with equal or fixed proportion of 无明 ? Does everyone start with zero positive points and have to work towards good deeds to accumulate the points?


How come some people seem very wise, well beyond their age?

This one deserves a very decent reply.

Now going off for party at my mum's house. I eating 饺子 today!

You wait huh...

PS1: A short one - everyone is born with different amount of wisdom, meaning amount of 无明 in each is also different... (I have tons of real life stories to share on this if I want to...)

PS2 to the rest: the continuation of the main story have to be after CNY. Meantime just ad hoc exchanges...

Ok I wait happy new year!

You postings really came at the right time for me. The parts on helping parents, being filial, 无明 etc.

I have a little boy, just turn 5. He is like my lucky star. Even though most people say parents are the role model, children learn what parents teach, I have a fortunate situation that learning is a two way traffic between my son and me. That is, he learns from me and I also learn from him.

What you mentioned earlier was very true, the 无明， or whatever bad feelings we hold will manifest itself but the moment one decides to \"let it rest/change for the better\", the 无明 will reduce and things will improve, slowly or subtly at first.

it is b os of the fact that I see or I learn from such a young person that I begin to wonder how come some people can be so wise beyond their age. Of cos, what he said I also know. But hearing them from such a young person, is an entirely different feel. I am not trying to say my kid is smart, no not that kind. Someone told me children have the purest hearts and hence, their thoughts are pure and kind. And I see that in my child. I hv not shared this with anyone, so I donno if all parents here feel the same - that they also learn from their kids 做人的道理？ that seeing/hearing wisdom in very young children?

Of cos, I seem so 肤浅 and 无知 but funny, I don't feel I inferior/ashamed knowing that I am learning from my son. But he doesn't \"preach\" everyday la, just once in a while but always at the right time (when I need guidance/seeking answers/doing soul searching).

[limlim]

Imami:

Nebbermind:

Better not be a few hundred episodes like '爱'

Ok lor then 夜市人生 :evil:

The likes of 妻子的诱惑 is more manageable.... :evil:

[Nebbermind]

From the buildup of the story, maybe it's 黄色复仇草 :evil:

[Imami]

limlim:

Imami:

[quote=\"Nebbermind\"]
Better not be a few hundred episodes like '爱'

Ok lor then 夜市人生 :evil:

The likes of 妻子的诱惑 is more manageable.... :evil:[/quote]Wah u got watch ar? Haiyo 看不出le

[Imami]

Nebbermind:

From the buildup of the story, maybe it's 黄色复仇草 :evil:

wah u also got watch.... Also 看不出le.... I think 妻子的诱惑 has shorter episodes than 黄色复仇草。 anyway 黄 on ch u is coming to an end soon.

[insider]

Imami:

Insider, is everyone born with equal or fixed proportion of 无明 ? Does everyone start with zero positive points and have to work towards good deeds to accumulate the points?


How come some people seem very wise, well beyond their age?

From my readings and my experiences, we are born with different amount of wisdom in us and therefore also meaning different amount of 无明.

I have to make a distinctive difference here between intelligence and wisdom.

In a simplify form, intelligence is the ability to remember information and acquire knowledge while wisdom is the ability to apply knowledge. Intelligent people does not = happy people coz they can have a large patch of 无明 and therefore can make mistakes that are sometimes fatal. Wise people = happy or happier people as they are likely to be able to make use of resources in hands to make most out of any situation. With a smaller patch of 无明, the chances of wise people making mistakes are reduced.

Some kids, as we know, are very easy to raise, while some others, are more challenging.

I am not sure Imami’s 5 years son belongs to which level of wisdom but from her description, he sounded like a true 贵子 （heard of people saying about 早生贵子?） A 贵子 = wise child instead of being interpreted as a ‘rich child’ as with wisdom, even rubbish can be turned into gold while a ‘rich child’ maybe capable of bankrupting a family. It takes a lot of good points to score for the arrival of a 贵子.

Buddhists believe in reincarnation. When we die, we cannot bring a single cent with us to our next life. The only thing that we can bring along with us is our wisdom. Therefore, many true Buddhists are very into correcting their character flaws in this life so that they can be a more perfect person in the next life. Wisdom improved when we can correct ourselves. Whatever we can = we acquire additional wisdom and strength and in our next life, we will not have to be put through the same tests again but will be given other tests in order to be even wiser.

Take for example, if in this life, we married a bad man. We are unable to change him and then we divorce him = we have failed the test that this ‘great’ man has given us to learn our tolerance and patience. We would have doubly failed the test if after the divorce, we continue to hate that man and worst, to continue to curse that man. We are supposed to let go of the matter and move on (and then to our next life to meet the same fate again to see whether we can pass the test a second time and if still cannot, in next life again and so on).

Some people divorced. During and after divorce, they cannot shake off the bitterness. They may even plant very bad seeds in their children about their ex spouse (talking bad about the ex spouse). They may behave very negatively after divorce with behaviours such as extreme sadness, frequent crying, temperamental, etc. This is a double failure and a tremendous source of negative energy for their children.

Over the other thread there is an issue of changing of a child's surname after a divorce. Unless the change is necessary to hide a child from danger that a parent has to help the child to 隐姓埋名 (as I am dealing with many families in my line, there are cases whereby a mum really needs to hide a child from her ex spouse to protect the child), it is not necessary to change it. It is only possible for us to exist coz of a father and a mother. This relationship cannot be changed no matter what happened. Even for a divorce case, if it is possible, the child still has to be filial to the other parent (and if cannot be filial, then at least have to be neutral instead of harbouring ill thoughts and curses that may be planted by the parent who is holding the custody).

As said, the easiest way to 'score points' is to be filial. So if a divorced 'trained' a child indirectly to hate the other parent = sowing negative points = enlarging the 无明 of the child = things may go from bad to worst after a divorce (for self and maybe also for children).

福祸无门，唯人自召. The earlier part of hurt during a marriage might be brought upon by one's ex spouse but the later part of more hurt after a divorce is usually brought upon by oneself though that someone is likely to try to push all the blames on the ex spouse. DONT SOW HATRED SEEDS in a child against an ex spouse please. The moment you can forgive = positive points = yourself and child can benefit = have lesser 无明 = can perform better in life. So, pls don't 一输再输.

It is similar to having a very difficult child, special needs included. If we cannot embrace the child wholeheartedly to develop our patience, compassion, and love, but instead harbor very negative thoughts about the pain that the child has brought upon us = we have failed the test and the child will revisit us again in our next life.

Say if someone is very wise that she can accept a special needs child wholeheartedly, the person is able to carry forward such wisdom in the next life. She will be born to a deserving set of parents with that amount of wisdom = this child is likely to be more 懂事from a very young age. In some cases, they are born ‘genius’. Genius kids are those kids who didn’t ‘erase’ their past life’s experiences and memory and therefore, their brain can process as good as an adult (just have to ‘light’ them a bit or they read on their own a bit and then they can start to figure out themselves). Note here that not all genius kids are wise as such ‘carried forward’ knowledge and wisdom are two separate different things.

My second sis’ son is a ‘genius’ (in every way that he has been showing himself since young) but I can’t find much wisdom in him coz of his weird character that is driving my sis into near depression. He is now 17 years old and I am still trying to figure our his 无明 – whether it is caused by my sis who is too caring and naggy (of course she thinks that is for his good that she nags but then her naggings generate too many negative points that enlarge his 无明) or the fact that intelligence is just not wisdom.

After living for close to half a decade, I analysed I was born with wisdom (慧根). Despite being born to such a difficult family (my dad had 4 wives, different sets of children, family so poor, suffered abusive life when young, etc), I was able to grow up so HAPPILY when I was supposed to be suffering. When I looked back my life, I marveled over my own strength in overcoming all these difficulties and I think it has to do with I have 慧根 to begin with.

I am highly teachable. I can learn most of life’s philosophy on own. I can be enlightened just by reading a sentence from anywhere. My 无明 patch seems smaller as it is easy to make myself walk out of blind corners.

Some kids, with a large patch of 无明, are born without 慧根. These kids, no matter how you scold, threaten, nag, etc, they are still pretty much remain the same and they make you wonder is it their brain short of one wire that how come cannot listen?

My daughter is someone with a good 慧根. From young, she is just so easy to teach. I seldom have to repeat a thing for more than two times and she will absorb and follow my directions without queries. She is a child who seems to be don’t need to care at all and she like can grow up on her own.

At about age 15 when we were at my dad’s funeral, we had to do Buddhist scripture chanting. Each of us was given a scripture book and we were supposed to chant together with the master monk. I tried to chant by following the reading (afterall, I am highly Chinese literate) and the rest a bit blur blur kind trying to follow.

My daughter shocked me when she was able to relate to me the meanings of the chant (that not even my sis can interpret so). It was at that point of time that I think she really carries a deeper 慧根 in her (I have never really discussed with her about this coz that’s just my personal observation and I am not sure what impact it will have on her if I would to tell her my observations. So, better don’t tell.)

Some of you may have known my elder son who is a dare devil who enjoys all sort of high risks sports. He was not an easy baby when he was young and he went through many mischief problems in schools from preschool to sec school. He has very limited 慧根 but I love him as what he is, totally accepted him as someone who is not academically inclined and also accepted his high risk sports lifestyle and activities. I even embraced all his friends. He played throughout his school life and his 慧根 was a bit enlightened only two months before O Levels (that he scored about 10 points for L1R4 from his prelim of close to 30 points).

Below is a post in Y2010 that I shared with Equinox:

insider:

Below is the conversation extract I had with my son last Sunday. It's about his O levels but I think the content maybe relevant to your 'sigh'.

I feel as long as your child is a conscientious type, we just have to support them all the way; results are secondary in a way...

Hope you can read Chinese as I shared the below with one of my friends in HK and so written in Chinese


弟弟的‘大战’今天开始了！

昨晚他心事重重的来到我房间，谈了一会儿。

弟弟：妈妈，要是我的考试成绩不理想，你会怎样？（内疚的语气）

妈妈：你觉得我应该会怎样？

弟弟：会很失望吧？

妈妈：这几个星期来妈妈看得出你很用功读书，那对我已经是很好的了。如果成绩真的不理想，那也就算了；到时我们再另作打算。

弟弟：我很气我自己为什么那么迟才开始准备。如果我从５月开始准备，我有信心能考得很好。

妈妈：现在你好象开窍懂得怎样读书了也还不算迟。有些人一辈子都不知道怎样读书。最多你就留级一年，明年再来一次。现在什么都不要想了，尽力去考，考完后痛痛快快的去玩一阵子，成绩出来后再来说吧。妈妈常教你凡事尽力就是一个好交代而别去烦那些你改变不了的事。

弟弟：还有很多东西我没时间读完。

妈妈：都说没关系了。现在你已经懂了，那对妈妈来说也算是好极了！无论是怎样的成绩，妈妈是完全可以接受的。

妈妈：以前妈妈常对你说‘开窍’，你一直不知道是什么东西吧。现在你应该懂了吧？‘读书’是一个人自己的事，旁人是逼不了的，讲多了还会被嫌啰嗦，所以妈妈从来都尽量的避免在你身边唠唠叨叨的让你反感。只要一天没开窍，讲多都是没用的。妈妈可是终于等到你开窍了！

弟弟：现在我真的知道何谓‘开窍’了。开窍后会觉得以前的自己好愚蠢，怎么就是会有书不要读呢？唉！要是我早点开窍那该会有多好。我是多么的后悔呀！

妈妈：迟开好过没开。你近期来的用功妈妈是很欣赏的。你就再接再厉吧！

弟弟：妈妈，对不起。

妈妈：记得无论考到怎样的成绩，你还是我的宝贝儿子！

弟弟：谢谢你，妈妈

From the above, you maybe able to see the ‘bouncing’ of positive energy between myself and my seem-to-be ‘useless’ son. I tend to believe coz the faith that I have in myself that I could restrain much nagging on him and that sufficient positive points were accumulated to allow him to reach a breakthrough point of 开窍长智. Now, he is doing very well and I still believe that he can live very well when he grows up (somehow, I just have never doubted that all my kids can do well in the future. Not so much that each will be rich but each will be HAPPY coz guided by wisdom). Note here, the 'faith' is on 'MYSELF' and not on my son. As a wiser person than my son, I need to have faith to control the whole energy field to make things possible for him instead of keep nagging him to change (which will result in worst energy field and he might even flunk badly if I so insisted in what most parents' ways of dealing with their kids.)

The ability to give our kids, and sometimes other close ones, incl our spouse, a lot of patience is really not easy. But to me, this is what I have to 修 for myself. That if I cannot control my temper and my instinct towards this son and go into the nag-and-scold mood, things will never turn to be better and can go worst.

Whenever my kids or my husband, or even my staff, are not good enough, the first one whom I will question will be myself – whether have I done something not right to have received a certain kind of response from them and if yes, I will make a real effort to change (and I mean REAL efforts and not lip service that today say and tmr forget kind).

Every house needs at least a leader. It is not necessary one of the adults and the leader can be a child (for Imami’s case, it seems like her child maybe the ‘leader’. Imami herself should have a smaller 无明 area coz if such 无明 patch is a big one, she will not be able to receive the meanings of the msg from her son to form a decision. As said earlier, solutions and answers to problems are most of the time not difficult to find and it just our 无明 that has hidden them even though they are right in front of them. Our kids can indeed teach us A LOT of things and many times, we are too arrogant to learn from them and keep thinking that we are more superior than them and that they hve to listen to us.).

A leader is usually wise with a very stable character. With such stability, he or she can ‘tame’ the other wilder ones in the family. I am all willing to be the leader of my current family as well as for anyone in my maternal family. Willingly I mean coz I believe I am strong enough to take whatever kind of misunderstandings or accusations that may arise due to my seem out of line interference with others’ business (like my elder sis may cast me very terrible accusations when she knows I am trying to do something to her family). I am willing to bite the bullet to do perhaps a ‘shit’ job and I am picking up my niece and my sis’ case with eyes open that it maybe a thankless job. After decided to pick it up, then the next mental state that I have to put myself in is not blame anyone or feel hurtful if others accused me wrongly if anything happens (even my mum may blame me later for being kpo).

Not many people are willing to be a leader in a family coz to be a real one, one needs to master all the 仁、智、勇 to tackle all issues that maybe ugly. Lacking of any one of仁、智、勇 = cannot be an effective leader and so will fail if trying to lead.

So, if you are quick tempered and cannot control your temper most of the time while your spouse is more stable, I would suggest you just shut your mind when you are in anger and listen to your spouse for decision makings (just shut your mind and listen to your spouse with a ‘child like faith’. DON’T THINK coz you are in 无明 state and whatever you think are likely to be wrong and so JUST FOLLOW).

If you cannot be the leader, you must learn to be a good follower. Then, the 磁场 (Energy Field) of the family has a chance to change for the better.

However, if both partners also hot tempered and cannot control themselves, then it is advisable for them to divorce so as to save the kids from ‘poisoning’ (a child like me will not be affected by whatever is around me – I just have a very clear direction of what to do and not what to do since young. It is a 慧根 that is difficult to explain).



PS: late night writing (went to play mahjong today) and so too tired to do any editing, esp on logic of content. Please excuse if you cannot understand any part of the above hor...

[twinklestars2]

Hi insider,


I really enjoyed reading your posts. Please continue to share!
Happy lunar new year!

[PiggyLalala]

Hi insider,

Thanks for yr great sharings. Yr posts are very enlightening. Hope I can apply wat u have shared in my daily life. Hope u dont mind, I have also shared some of yr posts with my friends. I am thinking of sending some relevant parts of yr posts to my teenage son too.

:thankyou:

[SAHM_TAN]

Hi insider,


What’s the relationship between ego/pride and 无明？is there a relationship or ego/pride is more towards lack of wisdom? Thanks.

[insider]

SAHM_TAN:

Hi insider,


What's the relationship between ego/pride and 无明？is there a relationship or ego/pride is more towards lack of wisdom? Thanks.

Emmm... you ponder over your above question for another few days and I believe you should be able to find the answers. (emmm...this is the same way I guide my kids, usually with no direct answers but they have to go and figure it out on own coz that will give them a higher chance of internalising the answer).

In my many sharings in this forum, most of the time I 'preach' very subtly with incidence that happened among my families and friends.

So, different readers can get different msg out from each incidence. An example will be the above post that I shared with Equinox. When I shared my exchanges with my son with Equinox, I coudn't go into the 'mechanics', that my objective was to 'generate positive points' for my myself to rub onto my son coz I know there are people who are of different religious beliefs here and if I said too lengthily, people may get offended. After Equinox read the post, he/she will need to form some 'ideas' of how to deal with his/her anxiety towards the child.

So far, I think this thread is the most detailed 'preaching' that I have done (quite to the extent of 画公仔画出肠 oredi)...