桃花谈
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how to learn to let go if person hurt u in the past n still hurting u right now?
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可恶之人必有可怜之处. 就看找得到可怜之处吗•••
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vinegar:
how to learn to let go if person hurt u in the past n still hurting u right now?
vinegar,
give yourself a bit of time to find the answer coz the answer may take many their whole life to find and maybe until their death still cannot find (then they have to continue finding it in their next life until they can find the answer).
if you cannot find the answer, then there maybe almost like zero chance that I can let my niece and my sis see any light.
你的心有多宽，世界就有多大.
Go read the 佛印 story again and again coz that story enlightens me a lot.
tonight I a bit busy. may write later... -
There is an embedded lesson in my early life story that some of you may have failed to catch it.
That is, all experiences, whether they are good or bed, are there for good reasons. Due to our inability to see the future, some of us question and question and want so desperately to have an answer.
But coz the future is not here yet, we cannot have the answer but to wait for events to unfold and then one day, if we are wise enough to reflect, we may be able to go into the ‘Aha’ mode of realizing what those experiences meant for us.
If when I was young, I kept standing there to count my blue-blacks and lick my wounds, refused to move forward optimistically (and unbelievably HAPPILY), I would not be what I am now with such a peaceful life.
I didn’t question, I didn’t 怨天尤人. In fact, I didn’t even know that I should question about my hardships (see how blessed I was). I played to my fullest heart content then with all the visible scars (cane marks, pinch marks, ‘box’ marks, etc with me). I never gave up playing coz of ashame of those scars and other kids might laugh at me. I thoroughly enjoyed my childhood (Buds knows I played like a Siow Cha Bor if she can recall) and if were to ask me to relive it again and I can firmly tell you, YES, I WANT! My childhood was so fun!
Then, later I know of God’s purpose for giving me all these problems that can write a storybook. He wants to make me a stronger person so that I can have a better life; and I do get rewarded and achieve a better life.
All hardships that one has been through are there for good reasons. It’s just that perhaps now you cant see them. All hardships make us stronger and nothing else if we can keep our sanity and remain calm.
I particularly like the story of Job in the Bible. This story also enlightens me a lot. I read it when I was about 21 years old. It touches on FAITH and this FAITH is just so difficult for many to hold on when they run into troubles.
I pondered for a long time to digest the below when I first came across it at around 16 years old, and I always will recall it if I find the going goes tough to reinforce my faith:
故天将降大任于斯人也，
必先苦其心志，
劳其筋骨，
饿其体肤，
空乏其身，
行拂乱其所为，
所以动心忍性，
曾益其所不能。 《孟子》
开卷有益, I derive so much joy in reading since young (would save every five cents that I had in order to buy books).
At my age, I dont read storybooks anymore. I’m going more into books in philosophy. I read, I digest, and I apply = knowledge really becomes mine. Internalised knowledge gives me POWER!
So, go find some good books to read and you maybe able to be a much better person years down the road (isn’t it the same thing like we always tell our kids? Have you been doing this yourself??)
At the closing of this thread, I will recommend some books that I feel are very enlightening. You may try reading them if your Chinese is ‘powderful’ enough…
PS 1:
For those who cannot resolve their ‘hardships’ with their in-laws and have to struggle so hard, what I can offer is sure one day you will know what your suffering is for. So, try, pls try to accept your ‘sufferings’ and try to make it as bearable as you can if you still cannot see light. If you are not as ‘powderful’ as me to see problems as no problems, then that’s the best advice I can give you…
PS 2 to readers:
Stop posting questions hor else if I keep answering then I cannot finish writing this thread… -
Cont. Conversation with my niece 4 (missed out this part that is important)
Me: Ah Yi like has never heard you to talk about your dad. So how’s your relationship with your dad?
Niece: Like that lor.
Me: Like that means?
Niece: I seldom talk to him. Usually I talk to him when I need him to fetch or pick me somewhere or I need money that my mum won’t give me.
Me: Do you think you have been talking to him nicely so far?
Niece: Just talk lor. What does talk nicely and not nicely mean huh?
Me: You see the way Jie Jie (my daughter), Gor Gor (my eldest son), and Di Di (my youngest son) talk to me. I think they talk nicely to me in a sense respectfully and gently, esp if they want something from me!
Niece: But you different mah coz you talk nicely to them. You know my mum and my dad cannot get along. Both have not been talking to each other for years. If they have to talk, my mum is always in a very hostile manner. I have this feeling that I cannot talk to my dad too nicely when my mum is around else I may upset her by not on the same side as her.
Me: Why your parents cannot get along?
Niece: I also don’t know. But you know mummy has so bad temper. If I were my dad, I also cannot get along with her. Sometimes I wonder how come they don’t divorce and have to stay together like this that’s so meaningless.
Me: So, you think they should divorce?
Niece: Divorce lah. What for going on like this? You know even when they don’t talk, mum will talk through her actions sometimes. When she does packing, she will bang here bang there to purposely irritate my dad and then he will receive the message to leave home. It seems my dad avoids meeting my mum as far as possible and so he will time his returning home at around 1 am after my mum sleeps. My house has a very hostile atmosphere whenever the two of them are under the same roof. That’s why I prefer to stay in your house instead of going home.
Me: Ah Yi don’t know what’s really going on between your parents. No matter what happened between them, you should stay clear and not to take side. Maybe your mum’s bad temper sours the relationship or maybe your dad did something and made your mum so bad temper. We don’t know.
Me (cont.): No matter who’s right and who’s wrong, you have to be nice to both. I heard from your sister most of the time you don’t speak nicely to your dad and wonder if that’s true. You go and reflect about this and think whether it is fair for your dad when you need him to fetch you or give you money but yet you cannot request properly for him.
Me (cont.): Niece ah, Ah Yi has been talking to you for many nights. If there’s only one message that Ah Yi want you to remember, it is don’t be rude to your parents if you want to have a smooth life in the future. You can’t see the consequences now but Ah Yi can see. You said you don’t want to marry a man who likes to control you right? Then you really have to do this bit for yourself.
Niece: Really so difficult leh. I think I shift to the dorm first then see how.
Me: OK, it’s not really a bad idea to shift to the dorm first if you really have to fight with your mum almost like daily. However, from now until the day you can shift to the norm is about eight months. Within these eight months, just try to be good ok? Hold your tongue and do some housework regularly – these two will please your mum greatly and things will improve for sure.
Niece: I will try my best.
Me: Ah Yi will talk to your mum but of course Ah Yi will not tell your mum things between us that are not supposed to be told to her. I know how petty she can be.
Niece: Ya! You cannot betray me huh.
Me: Won’t lah. You think Ah Yi so 不讲义气 meh?
Niece: Giggles…
To be cont. (conversation with my sis) -
insider:
Just want to let you know: I am very grateful for your sharings.There is an embedded lesson in my early life story that some of you may have failed to catch it.
That is, all experiences, whether they are good or bed, are there for good reasons. Due to our inability to see the future, some of us question and question and want so desperately to have an answer.
But coz the future is not here yet, we cannot have the answer but to wait for events to unfold and then one day, if we are wise enough to reflect, we may be able to go into the ‘Aha’ mode of realizing what those experiences meant for us. -
Jennifer:
Me too. Thank you!
Just want to let you know: I am very grateful for your sharings.insider:
There is an embedded lesson in my early life story that some of you may have failed to catch it.
That is, all experiences, whether they are good or bed, are there for good reasons. Due to our inability to see the future, some of us question and question and want so desperately to have an answer.
But coz the future is not here yet, we cannot have the answer but to wait for events to unfold and then one day, if we are wise enough to reflect, we may be able to go into the ‘Aha’ mode of realizing what those experiences meant for us. -
Am not sure what are the lessons that readers can get from the ‘stories’ but I hope they do provide some learning points…
It’s so tough to be husband and wife, to put two people under the same roof and expect them to live happily ever after without conflcits.
Whenever we hv to ‘fight’ with our spouse, we should try not to let the kids know though even if we try so, they can ‘feel’.
We should never talk bad about our spouse, even during divorcing stage, coz that scars kids’ concept of marriage terribly (and kids are unlikely to have a happy marriage next time).
We may have married the wrong man even though sometimes we are the wrong woman for that man. Whatever it is, we were ever been in love and there are many fond memories that we can be happy of instead of keep remembering the hurts.
I can see from my niece that she hurts a lot. But she has put herself with an automatic protective layer to shield herself from such hurt that are emitted from my sis and my brother in law (by perhaps simply refuse to grow up and behave in a naive way). These hurts that she carries may ultimately be bounced back to her parents - that she enters herself into an unhappy marriage and be a broken woman.
When her parents know that their child is broken, of course they will be broken. However, most will not know that these are ‘bouncing’ negative energy that whatever hurts you have caused others will bounce back to you one day; that they are the originator of such hurts.
So, if really cannot get along, do consider divorce to mitigate the hurts that will be caused to the kids. The concept of ‘better for the child to hv dual parents’ to me does not stand. My 4th conversation with my niece is just an example of sometimes it’s better to separate then to be tied together for the sake of being tied together.
As said, as parents, we should make decision with the best interests of children at heart. If you ever meet a cross road of whether to divorce or not to divorce, my advice is try to reconcile within 3 years (meaning your child may have to suffer negative energy for 3 years). If after 3 years nothing can work out, then can consider divorce to free your kids from the negative energy. Then, be strong and move on to rebuild more positive energy into your child.
I wish parents can be more sensible. Your relationship with your spouse if it’s bad, hurt the kids whether you want it or not. And your kids may return the hurts in a way by destroying themselves, in a way that you cannot imagine is a ‘return in kind’. Many have sown bad seeds without even knowing.
This goes into the 因 and 果 that is more complicated… -
TGIF!
Today is Friday = ME Day = Mahjong Day!
That means today I will not be writing much.
I attended several psychology coaching sessions before, both in Chinese and English through the years.
I always want to make sure that I am a ‘balanced’ person coz worry got blind spots that I cannot see and so hope these courses can make me better understand myself. Every few or in fact, I can find no one compatible to my thinking amongst all whom I know. This is not how-lian hor. Coz of this, I have no one to check on me and therefore on and off, I need to check on myself is make sure that I am not 走火入魔.
As said, I will have my own 无明. If I am in a 无明 state and yet no one can give me a light, then I will be terribly blind and may travel wrong path.
In EVERY psychology courses that I been through, the standard practice seems to be that we have to recall our childhood and then write a reflection on it (sometimes we have to share via group discussions). We would to recall our worst and best moments and then try to see how our present happiness or unhappiness mirrror those moments. Most of the time, there’s a correlation.
If you have gained anything from reading this thread, I would appreciate your contribution of a 心得 after I temporarily close my story of my niece and sis (there should be about 2 or 3 more posts then I will end the story). Just share what you have learnt with all so that we can each other benefit from the sharings…
心得 can be repeated ones among readers but sometimes we can see surprising new angles from the same reading. (like when I read the story of Job, I can feel so much pain and hurt in him and then can ‘migrate’ his pain and hurt to those who are struggling ‘unnecessarily’ tho ‘humanly’.)
So ‘assignment’ given in advance and hope readers will ‘pass up’ later… (this is similar to Literature Study - that we go into deeper analysis of a character and ponder about how come he did this and that. Literature is a very meaningful subject but somehow I feel many kids don’t get the real meaning of studying it when they study for the sake of scoring the As. That’s why I always feel Knowledge does not equate Wisdom if one cannot apply it meaningfully…)
Thank you!! -
wow!!! insider, u sound like a 高人… really 卧虎藏龙。。。。
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