桃花谈
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ChiefKiasu:
I used to wish I have better command of Chinese so I can read all the 武侠小说. Now I wish I have better command of Chinese so I can read and fully understand insiders' profound teachings. Sigh.
You had it backwards, Chief. One reads all the 武侠小说 so that one can have better command of Chinese.
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ammonite:
hello ammonite,
When I reflected upon this, I understand that I have to demonstrate 抱容心 towards ds1, dh, and my mother. The change has been drastic in my ds1 over CNY. I am not there yet, there are still lies that I 放不下，but I try lah.
can share more about those words in red please.....?
and also, usually involved what kinds of lies? (people, esp kids, usually tell lies when they have no perceived sense of security / perceived fear and therefore resort to lies to protect themselves. Maybe you have to find out the psychological reasons of her lying and then all work to assure her that she doesn't need to lie and that all can accept her doings). -
insider,
ur dad reminds me of my dad.He used to fool ard.Similiarly,my mum,being a traditional woman,endure the pains n hv nvr badmouth my dad.
I used to hate him,for hurting my mum.My bro,was the filial one,who spent more time wf him b4 he passed away,while i was the rebelious one,still harbouring grudges on him,who caused unhappiness to my mum.He passed away when i was 20s.
My dad,surprised me by leaving most of his money to me,instead to my bro.His reason,i was single,alone n didn’t hv career;not sure what kinda man i’ll marry.While my bro has good career.
I felt so guilty…guilty for yrs…coz i didn’t visit him while he was hospitalized.I was busy wf my new job.He died fr. heartattack…it was very sudden.
i was always daddy daughter when i was small.But our r/s turned sour during my teenage yrs,i was quite rebelious.I also disliked my dad’s failure to protect my mum,from being bullied by my grandma(my mum’s MIL).
Once a while,when i see old man on the street,resemble my dad…i really very sad.
Perhaps,the best way to compensate my guilt over my dad,is try to spend more time wf my mum. -
vinegar:
Thanks vinegar for sharing....
I also disliked my dad's failure to protect my mum,from being bullied by my grandma(my mum's MIL).
Once a while,when i see old man on the street,resemble my dad....i really very sad.
Perhaps,the best way to compensate my guilt over my dad,is try to spend more time wf my mum.
Yes, have to spend more time with your mum. These old folks, one by one, can go anytime...
PS:
Maybe you want to look at your mum and her MIL relationship and perhaps you can figure out something about your relationship with your MIL. Is your grandma still around? -
insider,
grandma still ard.But my mum has nvr kept contact wf her,ever since my dad passed away.
Their situation is a bit complicated.My grandma abandon her children(including my dad)& remarried when they were very young. Out of 5 children she has,my dad was the only one who kept close contact wf her.My mum always told me that she has no rights to serve her as DIL,since she oredi remarried n also has family of her own.Despite all the unwillingness,my mum still took care of her while my dad was ard.They also constantly quarreled coz of my grandma behaviour(long story).
After my dad passed away,my mum felt so relieve n finally "got away" fr. her.Another reason is my mum was busy looking after her grandchildren coz my SIL sort of gave birth every other yr.
when my mum asked me to let go n try to mend the r/s wf my mil,i always tell her,"u also nvr do it that.",then she’ll say,"i’m different,ur dad has passed away." -
Despite all the unhappiness,I know I still hv to fulfill my role as DIL.I know it is not for my DH’s sake,it is more for me.
it is not bcoz of pride too.It is a matter of stepping out of my comfort zone,taking the 1st step. -
vinegar:
Dont mind I comment about the 'you' whom I feel hor...Despite all the unhappiness,I know I still hv to fulfill my role as DIL.I know it is not for my DH's sake,it is more for me.
it is not bcoz of pride too.It is a matter of stepping out of my comfort zone,taking the 1st step.
You seem to be a bit wilful kind that's difficult to tame and pride maybe one of the biggest obstacles that you have to overcome.
Take some time to think about whether there's any possibility to reconcile your mum and her in law. Don't need to be in close contact but at least once a year CNY 送礼 or visit.
Your grandma must be very old by now and so in her so old mind, there maybe regrets or whatever for those things that she had done in the past.
人之将死，其言也善. Give your mum and your grandma a chance to maybe speak a few good words to each other.
This will do wonders to everyone, incl your mum.
I know it will be very difficult but don't discount the idea completely.
Pride really should not be in a way when blood relationship is concerned.
Go sound out your mum gently if you manage to think this through... -
both my mum n grandma oredi very old,one in 70s,the other one in 90s.They stay in different countries.I see the similiarities btw my MIL n my mum’s MIL,both of them
狗嘴里吐不出象牙.
As for my case,perhaps,i nid to swallow my pride,use the wisdom n courage n plenty of tolerance,to visit my MIL,n 忍受, 承受 her unpleasant words. -
insider:
My son was able to tolerate his younger brother much better (just complain a one-liner instead of a full scale shouting match or hitting) and also became very caring towards me, fetching jackets for me, doing little chores saying 'it's the least we(the kids) can do.\" My husband, seeing the change in him - actually this is his \"old\" self before my husband became very short tempered with him and my mother kept intruding into our family - also softened considerably and took him out for treats and became less harsh towards him.
hello ammonite,ammonite:
When I reflected upon this, I understand that I have to demonstrate 抱容心 towards ds1, dh, and my mother. The change has been drastic in my ds1 over CNY. I am not there yet, there are still lies that I 放不下，but I try lah.
can share more about those words in red please.....?
and also, usually involved what kinds of lies? (people, esp kids, usually tell lies when they have no perceived sense of security / perceived fear and therefore resort to lies to protect themselves. Maybe you have to find out the psychological reasons of her lying and then all work to assure her that she doesn't need to lie and that all can accept her doings).
I think more than towards grandma and dh, it is my increased 包容心 towards him. I used to be afraid that he would mistake my leniency as a license to be even more overbearing towards his rother (he has a very strong personality), but reading your seedling theory, and thinking about his most basic/original character, I realised that I am wrong. He has innate integrity, intelligence and kindness, and the thing that hurts him most is lack of trust. I realise that all I have to do is to show him that I believe in him and his goodness (the way my father believed in me and this belief protected me from my mother's negative influence) at the most basic level, and that I can 包容 his anger (which is a sign of hurt). I find that when I just trust that he will turn out good, he IS good.
On a different level, like some other forummers, I also know that whenever I am upset with dh and grandma, I cannot keep these poisonous feelings out of my interactions with my children who are very sensitive to my emotions. So by controlling my reactions to the other two (not mentally digging up past history and getting even more upset), I am better able to keep the hostility out of my interactions with my children.
There is a lot of distrust in the relationships. For grandma, let's just say that she does things secretly, gets cheated, and refuses to be accountable. She gives away family heirloom of sentimental value without consulting the rest of the family. She does what she thinks is right for the good of us - secretly adding things into our food and drinks,or secretly throwing away food she doesn't want us to eat - despite our protests. so she lies to get her way with the rest of us. We cannot do what she wants us to do so she resorts to lying. -
赢 is just 赢了一口气,that is really true…I always give way to drivers who try to overtake my way,or take my parking space.
What I notice,
1) at times,overtake me also no use,still hv to stop at junction or when traffic light turns red.
2)take my parking space.At the end,i find a beta n nearer parking space.
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