桃花谈
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Kylene,
You can consider ‘natural consequence’ for discipline. (can google) As a very general example for eating, ‘if u move from the table, the food will move away (into the sink)’. This works for some kids, but I know my children will get terribly offended and get the wrong message. Instead for them, I just tell them nicely that I will be washing the plate at x time. If they are not done by then (cleared plates in sink) they have to clean up whatever is left themselves.
On being the ‘bad guy’, I have reflected upon this before and read sharings by older parents. One sharing was by a father who wondered why his ‘good’ son preferred to spend his time with people he (the father) considered as semi- delinquents etc after all the time they had put into bringing him up and instilling the right values. He asked his son and the son said those people like him just as he is. The father realized that he had spent so much time trying to ‘mold’ the son, he did not spend time just
appreciating the son for who he is.
That was a very enlightening insight to me, though it seems so obvious. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to correct our children and instil the right values and habits in them, they start to think that we really don’t like them. Of course there is no need to go to the other extremes (like some grandparents), but maybe just check your parenting "balance sheet". Reading insider’s sharings has helped me refined some of my "techniques" for talking to my children, her idea of "pacing them down" was very helpful, and looking at the child’s original temperament has also given me more confidence in finding the right balance. -
kittybank:
How to carry on when everything seems to be against your favour and you have no one to turn to and 叫天不应 . It is very difficult to carry on when the valley seems bottomless. Just when one thinks the worst is over, worser events unfold.
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
You are not alone -
i cannot remember nor find who was it that siad as a catholic cannot get divorce by right that is true BUT is possible after divorce get ur cdhurch father to help write a letter to the pope to ask to remove ur marriage records BUT ur reasons must be very valid i have done it.
Better then letting u and ur children suffer in a marriage tghat will never work out is best to walk out and be happy including ur children will be happy/ -
[quote][/quote]Bad things happen now and then for good purposes. If they happen sporadically, it builds strength into us to face more and more challenges coming ahead of everyone of us. If one’s life has always been smooth is not actually a good thing over the long run. Bad things actually let us appreciate good things more instead of having the tendency of taking things for granted[quote][/quote]
insider,
thks so much for ur teaching.I fully agree wf this statement.
Ever since my miscarriage,i cherish my kid n my health more....last time,i used to take them for granted.I know everything doesn't come by easily.
But sometx care n cherish them too much until i a bit paranoid...so scare of losing them.I've been trying to overcome the fear n letting go.But really,very difficult...to the extend that i \"overprotect\" them n become parent volunteer n follow them everywhere.I think i a bit :siao: -
Imami
I did those things you said. And survived the last decade. I am drained. Financially, physically, mentally and emotionally. Told myself 吃苦当吃补。read lots off inspirational quotes. Counted my blessings. Helping others in need while ignoring people who are closest to me yet destroying me. Turned to religion.
我累了，真的很累，撑不下去。 -
kittybank:
Wah you not bad leh, 吃苦当吃补。 I didn't consider religion, even at my lowest point. 我还是那句话： 一定有人比你更惨 Let's see what 金玉良言 insider gives you.. :sad:Imami
I did those things you said. And survived the last decade. I am drained. Financially, physically, mentally and emotionally. Told myself 吃苦当吃补。read lots off inspirational quotes. Counted my blessings. Helping others in need while ignoring people who are closest to me yet destroying me. Turned to religion.
我累了，真的很累，撑不下去。 -
Most two recent cases that I helping:
1.\tHappy friend with two kids aged 2 and 4. Husband looked good. Then one fine day, house door plastered with Ah Long’s paper: O$P$. Husband in huge gambling debt and ran away. Ah Long kept hassling friend who has to run away from home. Cannot go back to own parents’ house coz no place to stay. Then put up in a one-room rented place with 2 kids. She still had to work. Morning kids send to preschool and she went work. Ah Long went to her office. She lost her job. Husband lose contact completely. Now she is in a lurch.
However, overall I am not overly pessimistic about her. Friend is capable. Just have to hide a while more and the clouds will blow over. Now just have to pull through this difficult period of about 6 months.
2.\tFriend’s brother got involved with China girl. Abandoned family of wife and two sec school kids and went to stay with that girl. Husband got into gambling and incurred debts. Kids wrote very heartbreaking blogs about how come once-upon-a-time so happy family can be so broken. Friend’s sis-in-law still hoping that husband will return, still gives him financial help. Husband wants a divorce. Not only a divorce, he wants to sell the flat to get half of his shares. Some more brings woman home to wait for him to take / change clothes. Sis-in-law heartbroken and insists no divorce. She used to be a SAHM but now working two jobs and within months becomes like skeleton thin. Think about how the kids feel too.
Above cases are closer to 叫天天不应.
So kittybank, what are your sorrows?
PS:
Stress / sorrows are always relative. Most kids can take very little stress. Small things to them are BIG coz they have fewer solutions to problems. So cannot take kids’ stress lightly coz what’s small to us is BIG to them.
Stress-taking levels of adults are also different. Some, like me, can take a lot of stress and still smiley face. Some just press a bit may peng-san… -
kylene:
Where can I find the books that u mentioned ? I really hope to be a better person.
dangdang.com
Let your kids enjoy grandparents' love. As long as not overly spoiling, you close an eye.
If they love to go to grandparents' house, then they go and you go shopping and party!
When you are with them, be a good mum. Be firm but not unkind.
When you are not with them, go pak-tor with your husband or go pamper yourself...
Work out a schedule then all should be able to enjoy in a 'balance' way.
PS:
Don't push kids too hard. Imagine now they are 20 years old and you get them to recall their childhood. At least, they have some memorable time with their Ah Gong and Ah Mah. I am not sure whether you are interested to take care of your grand kids or not in the future. If you are, then better you allow your kids to spend some fun and carefree time with their grandparents. When your kids have this embedded pleasant memory, you will have a better chance to see your grandkids more often or to take care of them when you upgrade to the 'Grand-' position... -
vinegar:
But sometx care n cherish them too much until i a bit paranoid...so scare of losing them.I've been trying to overcome the fear n letting go.But really,very difficult...to the extend that i \"overprotect\" them n become parent volunteer n follow them everywhere.I think i a bit :siao:
Hello hello, Positive Thinking! Positive Thinking!!
Stop irking your kids by following them everywhere else you risk next time you have a lot of things they don't want to tell you.
欲擒故纵 is the strategy if you want kids to be close to you emotionally...
Go 'resign' from the parent volunteer job if your actual objective is to tail your kiddos and go spend the time to do something pleasing for yourself (hair extension? eyelash extension? massage? shopping? Aiya, really all these are more meaningful than tailing behind your kiddos...)
Positive Thinking...Positive Thinking!!
PS: Have to stop being paranoid. Paranoid 'seed' rubs on daughter easier than on son. Paranoid is one of the roots of all anxieties and worries = 无都会变有、假都会成真. No good... -
insider:
Hi Insider,kylene:
Where can I find the books that u mentioned ? I really hope to be a better person.
dangdang.com
Let your kids enjoy grandparents' love. As long as not overly spoiling, you close an eye.
If they love to go to grandparents' house, then they go and you go shopping and party!
When you are with them, be a good mum. Be firm but not unkind.
When you are not with them, go pak-tor with your husband or go pamper yourself...
Work out a schedule then all should be able to enjoy in a 'balance' way.
PS:
Don't push kids too hard. Imagine now they are 20 years old and you get them to recall their childhood. At least, they have some memorable time with their Ah Gong and Ah Mah. I am not sure whether you are interested to take care of your grand kids or not in the future. If you are, then better you allow your kids to spend some fun and carefree time with their grandparents. When your kids have this embedded pleasant memory, you will have a better chance to see your grandkids more often or to take care of them when you upgrade to the 'Grand-' position...
I've no intention of stopping my kids from seeing their grandparents even though I do think they are over indulging. Imagine 5 yr old still being carried everywhere , fed every spoonful etc though over spoiling is of course a subjective issue.
However, I do wish to improve my relationship with my DS. He likes to compare us with the inlaws and that makes me upset as I find it difficult to explain why there are 2 different set of rules depending on whose house he is at. And of course to him, his grandparents love him more and he often says \"I don't like u, u are not nice to me\" to us. Breaks my heart .
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