Over familiarity vs needs

[rinsider]

Just yesterday I asked my partner why he hardly engages with me after work.

His reply: “there’s nothing to talk about, right?”

I agree. But is this a gender issue? I will ask how his day was, everyday, and he will just say, “okay”. And he will then shut down and have his downtime after that with his onscreen dramas. Maybe this is how men unwind nowadays. Needing solitude and their own personal space.

There is comfortable silence. Then just… THE silence. I don’t want to get there.

I’m not being insecure or needy, but it’s like we’re just becoming a boring old couple. I am thinking he might be into male menopause too! That’s why whenever I wake up in the middle of the night, I pause to tickle his feet .

I’m actually content at this stage, but could there be more to it? I recall my mum and dad discussing the news headlines of the day way back then. Or my dad would read to her and she’d make fun of his diction.

What’s the glue, people? Maybe a certain daily ritual makes all the difference… Can a mature relationship grow further? Or do you settle into rituals or routines?

[sharonkhoo]

@rinsider said in Over familiarity vs needs:

What’s the glue, people? Maybe a certain daily ritual makes all the difference… Can a mature relationship grow further? Or do you settle into rituals or routines?

My take: yes, mature relationships can continue to grow (my 38th anniversary is in the past); and yes, we do settle into rituals and routines.

Starting with rituals and routines first - I think they form the framework for our marriage as they provide stability and predictability. I personally found the uncertainty of dating, and the heady days of courtship, quite tiring, and appreciate the mellowing and steadiness of a relationship with the same person for decades. The trick is, in my experience, is to have some variety and novelty as well so that the relationship doesn’t stagnate. Even in the busy days with younger kids, we tried to carve out time to ourselves - some Friday nights we dumped kids with grandparents, and we put them to bed early every night so we could have an hour or 2 before our own bedtime. Novelty could be watching a movie, eating a different cuisine, trying DIY. Above all, we made a point to keep talking to each other about NON-KIDS topics. We constantly reminded ourselves (especially me) that we are more than parents, so we would talk about each others’ work, interests, other people, religion… We don’t share the same hobbies and interests, but we try to take an intelligent interest in what the other person likes.

It’s important that both sides are willing to engage in this, so you may need to broach the topic to your husband.

[Sorry - must leave for office now. If you have any other questions about what I wrote, just ask and I’ll reply later.]

[thebottomsupblog]

I think so many couples face this… when I meet up with my gfs, very often, they talk about feeling disconnected with their spouses.

My own relationship with my husband is far from perfect, but we trust each other to manage ourselves and also do what’s best for the relationship.

At home, we have routines such as sitting together for dinner most nights, playing card/board games during school hols, and the easiest for us — watching a show before bedtime. The quirky thing for us is that we don’t have a TV, so we’re actually huddled on our sofa and watching it on a laptop, no speakers either haha. Some friends think this is torture! But it’s unique to our fam

Personally, I also feel that one person can’t meet all our social needs. I have a wide network of friends and my husband trusts me, so hangouts with male buddies are fine too. I think that just helps me to be able to enjoy a variety of things without always expecting my husband to be a part of my interests. When I get home, revitalised, I have something new to share with him. And tbh, since we’re also motivated by scarcity, he’s now quicker to say yes when I suggest outings to him, if not I might ask someone else!

Edited to add: I do check with my husband once in a while if he feels left out, and I invite him along to friend outings (but he usually declines). Since last year, we’ve started this little effort to do something new every month. I do the planning!

So far, we’ve done these:

• Caught a Jap indie movie about a budding rock band
• Took a bus to JB for an afternoon outing
• Checked out a flea market at Tiong Bahru
• Visited a “home cafe,” where someone served tea and light meals
• Revisited an old fave restaurant (Relish), right before it closed down for good
• Took a photowalk in Haji Lane, checked out a few interesting places including a tiny art museum (Mr Lim’s Shop of Visual Treasures), and had Turkish food
• Visited a zine shop in Golden Mile Tower

[rinsider]

@thebottomsupblog I think daily dinners are great for bonding. Or when either of us suddenly ask, “wanna go out?” and the other says, “sure!”
But it rarely happens nowadays… Daughter has school, son comes home about 9p, partner after 1030pm.
I kinda envy regular hour households actually. Since all of us are “on shifts”, I have to do weekly check-ins! Sometimes one of them will be “nah, next time”.

I do try to chat with my partner though as he’ll usually eat before he sleeps after midnight.

Funnily enough, I’m rambling while he’s chewing n going, “mmm.” But he has extreme clarity on our one-sided convo the next day!

[rinsider]

@sharonkhoo what a heartwarming reply, thank you! 🫰Are the sparks recreated once you have established that time just exclusively for yourself and your hubby?

[sharonkhoo]

@rinsider said in Over familiarity vs needs:

@sharonkhoo what a heartwarming reply, thank you! 🫰Are the sparks recreated once you have established that time just exclusively for yourself and your hubby?

Since we never stopped having exclusive time, even during the busiest stages of life, I guess we never stopped having sparks. But we are realistic - we never expected to have the same level of “sparks” constantly. There have been stressful, difficult or busy times when what kept us going was commitment, trust, reliance on the other’s care, etc. No energy for sparks - maybe just a few glowing embers! During those times, we would try to at least check in with each other daily, even if it was just stealing time to talk a bit after the kids went to bed. The main thing is for both to be committed to the relationship however limited the time and energy available, and a bit of ingenuity of how to carve out little scraps of time just to reconnect. Then when things are more relaxed, you can fan the embers rather than having to restart the fire.

[thebottomsupblog]

@sharonkhoo @rinsider

Wondering how you both define “sparks?”

I think physical chemistry/attraction is essential when you first meet someone and want to date them.

In long-term partnerships, I feel like what I value more is not needing to worry about someone. Trusting that we’ll each hold up our end of the bargain. With this trust comes space and energy to focus on our own goals, especially if kids are becoming independent.

Also, I would say, go for the easy wins, like physical contact while watching a show together. I think a lot of people get stressed if they feel like a so-called “date” is actually a reason to fix something in the relationship or have a heavy discussion… it’s hard to get buy-in.

I also think that sometimes, counselling/coaching can help to teach us new strategies for processing our emotions. My husband and I don’t trigger each other as often as in the earlier years… maybe we have learned some hacks on our own! I do have one or two other trigger individuals in my life haha — I’ll start another thread on that.

[sharonkhoo]

@thebottomsupblog said in Over familiarity vs needs:

@sharonkhoo @rinsider

Wondering how you both define “sparks?”

I think physical chemistry/attraction is essential when you first meet someone and want to date them.

“Sparks” - physical attraction, but also just the excitement in spending time with the person? As you said, like the early years of courtship and marriage.

My take is that it’s unrealistic (and emotionally exhausting!) to experience that all the time through a long marriage. But the occasional spark is good (maybe essential) in a long marriage? Expectations of how this will look like and feel like should change over the years; if not, there is bound to be disappointment. It would be sad (I feel) if there is no longer that joy when we meet after a day apart, or that interest in hearing what the other is currently working on, feeling deeply or concerned about etc. And there’s great joy in being able to share memories, build on shared experiences, share jokes, etc. My kids sometimes complain that we read each others’ minds, and they can’t follow our thought processes because they aren’t verbalised!