In-law problems?

[hquek]

Jennifer:

hquek:

You forgot to add, that has vacant rooms for SILs.


Maybe ask him to blur blur bring up to his parents...so where are the children's rooms...and see how it goes on from there. if SILs are happily ensconed in their own homes, I really don't see why need to keep that room aside - this not museum leh (or choy choy...shrine).

Huh? If hubby comes up with his own money, then no need to reserve rooms for his sisters right?

no lah, just suan the situation a bit lah. but I stand by the rest of my comments.

Good luck with the negotiations!

[cascada]

I'm not close to ils & sil/bils. Only meet them on important events such as CNY and bday celebration. However, my dh & 2 ds visit il weekly if free but not me. This has been for 2 yrs already since an unhappy event happened.

Now ds2 is going for hospital stay (abt 2 nites) for small surgery procedures (tonsillectomy & gastroscopy). I'm considering not informing ils. Since we r not in touch and that few days will pass very quickly, they might not even find out if we don't inform.
Mil has hinted I'm to be blamed for the weak body of my 2 ds cos I do not have 'good health base' and cos didn't take enough tonic when I was pregnant. She also thinks that I don't know how to take care of ds due to lack of experience (she feels if she had looked after them, they would definitely not be sickly. She is always praising how strong her other granddaughter is as she had looked after her since birth till 10yo). She dismisses the fact that doctors suggested that ds allergy could be hereditary. Both my ds have nose allergies. All their grandsons have either nose/skin allergies but not their granddaughters. She hinted the same blame for my other sil whose ds also has skin allergy. She even suggested our houses r not clean so children have nose/skin allergies.
If we were to inform them, they'll express shock & concerns. Then come remarks such as 'why ended up like that?', 'pity boy has to suffer', etc. I also view their concerns as hypocrisy and as another way to insult me for my incompetency in childcaring. I can imagine them blowing up the hospital stay and telling relatives & neighbours around them, and take the chance to once again informing the whole world of my incompetency.
I may not be experienced in childcaring but I'm like all mothers, looking after my children with my heart and soul.
Considering the above, should we inform them or not?

[janet88]

cascada,

I’not close to ILs too.
They prefer grandson (ie my son), but never do anything like finding out what he likes to eat or his interest. I think I mentioned this before, even when MIL asked what my son likes to eat, she said ‘so par pai’ :x (Cantonese for precious)…actually what he likes to eat is braised mushroom. As for my daughter, no need to ask.

After hubby’s eye operation in Feb and my unhappiness with her over it, I couldn’t be bothered anymore about them.

Jennifer,
If your SILs are married and moved out, there should be no need to reserve any rooms should your hubby buys a new house. 4 rooms just nice - you/hubby, in-laws, one room for your sons.

[cascada]

janet_lee88,

my ils also like grandson, but only for the purpose of carrying on their surname. Mil is the old fashion thinking type, always worry my bil (her other son) doesn’t have a boy to ‘chuan zhong jie dai’ for him. But too bad, bil doesn’t like children so he decided to stop after having 2 girls. In fact, he wanted to stop at 1 but Mil persuaded his wife to try for a boy.
When comes to real concern and showering love, they prefer granddaughters. Fil likes little girls to ‘manja’ to him. Mil will treat granddaughters like princess, combing hair slowly to make hair plaits or different style with clips. She would keep a container of hair clips and bands. She would also make nice girlish pyjamas for them. Whenever she goes shopping, she would be looking at little girls clothes & accessories.

[hquek]

cascada:

I may not be experienced in childcaring but I'm like all mothers, looking after my children with my heart and soul.

Considering the above, should we inform them or not?

hi cascada, I'm sure you are doing your best by your children and the love would show through your daily actions. But i'm sorry to say that you should inform them by way of courtesy. They may come and offer unhelpful remarks and comments, just brush that aside.

One way of thinking about it is that they do love your children and sure to suffer some heartbreak when their grandchildren are not well; just their way of expressing is a bit the out. Please lah, healthy and hearty mothers have been known to produce sickly children - and I abide by the general rule that babies will take whatever they need from mothers, so it's the mothers who suffer and get weaker for their children's sake.

My thinking is that if you don't tell, and they find out, things might get out of hand. You may be accused of showing disrespect etc. Have to consider if you can survive through the storm.

Good luck for your child's stay - may he recover and go from strength to strength.

[janet88]

cascada:

janet_lee88,

my ils also like grandson, but only for the purpose of carrying on their surname. Mil is the old fashion thinking type, always worry my bil (her other son) doesn't have a boy to 'chuan zhong jie dai' for him. But too bad, bil doesn't like children so he decided to stop after having 2 girls. In fact, he wanted to stop at 1 but Mil persuaded his wife to try for a boy.
When comes to real concern and showering love, they prefer granddaughters. Fil likes little girls to 'manja' to him. Mil will treat granddaughters like princess, combing hair slowly to make hair plaits or different style with clips. She would keep a container of hair clips and bands. She would also make nice girlish pyjamas for them. Whenever she goes shopping, she would be looking at little girls clothes & accessories.

you are lucky...mine here not approachable to the kids. It's her tone and the way she approaches the kids. Basically they don't like children and only want to let people know they have grandchildren.
When my son was born with cleft lip and palate, my SIL told me that MIL passed some unpleasant remarks.

[cascada]

Actually I also wonder one day when I become granny, how will I get along with my grandchildren. At present, my thinking is I will love my grandchildren but I don't want to look after them on behalf of their mums & dads.

[shine_fs]

cascada:

I'm not close to ils & sil/bils. Only meet them on important events such as CNY and bday celebration. However, my dh & 2 ds visit il weekly if free but not me. This has been for 2 yrs already since an unhappy event happened.

Now ds2 is going for hospital stay (abt 2 nites) for small surgery procedures (tonsillectomy & gastroscopy). I'm considering not informing ils. Since we r not in touch and that few days will pass very quickly, they might not even find out if we don't inform.
Mil has hinted I'm to be blamed for the weak body of my 2 ds cos I do not have 'good health base' and cos didn't take enough tonic when I was pregnant. She also thinks that I don't know how to take care of ds due to lack of experience (she feels if she had looked after them, they would definitely not be sickly. She is always praising how strong her other granddaughter is as she had looked after her since birth till 10yo). She dismisses the fact that doctors suggested that ds allergy could be hereditary. Both my ds have nose allergies. All their grandsons have either nose/skin allergies but not their granddaughters. She hinted the same blame for my other sil whose ds also has skin allergy. She even suggested our houses r not clean so children have nose/skin allergies.
If we were to inform them, they'll express shock & concerns. Then come remarks such as 'why ended up like that?', 'pity boy has to suffer', etc. I also view their concerns as hypocrisy and as another way to insult me for my incompetency in childcaring. I can imagine them blowing up the hospital stay and telling relatives & neighbours around them, and take the chance to once again informing the whole world of my incompetency.
I may not be experienced in childcaring but I'm like all mothers, looking after my children with my heart and soul.
Considering the above, should we inform them or not?

Ask your hubby to inform his mother. Any thing he will explain to her.

[janet88]

Hi cascada,

I agree with shine_fs.
Getting hubby to inform his parents…he’s the son and he will be able to handle them. When my hubby had to go for his eye op, I asked him to inform his mother before the op and AFTER the op.
After the op, she blah blah blah one whole lot of crap. The best part is telling me she doesn’t know where SGH is. She didn’t even have any intention to visit her own son after the op.

After my son’s cleft op, I told hubby to inform his mother. She was reluctant to do so, expecting to be ferried to/fro. Hubby told her he can’t do so because he had to be at the hospital…so-called grandmother !!!

[buds]

cascada:

I'm not close to ils & sil/bils.

I was but mebbe cos that time i didn't know better.
I genuinely treated them like my own family only
to realize the feeling wasn't mutual.

cascada:

Only meet them on important events such as CNY and bday celebration. However, my dh & 2 ds visit il weekly if free but not me. This has been for 2 yrs already since an unhappy event happened.

I took a different approach from despite having one
too many unhappy and unfortunate events with them.
I felt that i had done no wrong and that i shouldn't
avoid them at all. I went for all the dictated once a
fortnightly compulsory visitations with my family no
matter whether they liked having me around or not.
In fact, i prefer to be around cos over a few visits
i realize that MIL like to say stuff to my girls which
i don't quite take to very nicely.. for eg. when i was
preggie with bb#2, she told my #1 that mummy did
not love her anymore.. and i was like and then :roll:
and i reaffirmed my love to my #1 right there & then
in her presence to display that i don't condone such
psycho-ing. My #1 looked terrified, got out of MIL's
embrace and came sit with me and refused to be
carried by anyone to go anywhere. Needless to say,
MIL was unhappy and claimed that i taught #1 stuff
to not be close to her. I was like... :shock:! I wasn't
the one who frightened her. I mean... which true
parent or grandparent would say such a nasty thing?

Be bold & bravely confident for you know you are right.
Try not to back down and make it too obvious that they
(ILs) get to you each and everytime you meet.

cascada:

Now ds2 is going for hospital stay (abt 2 nites) for small surgery procedures (tonsillectomy & gastroscopy). I'm considering not informing ils. Since we r not in touch and that few days will pass very quickly, they might not even find out if we don't inform.

As much as i can understand how you feel cos i've been
thru' similar situation before, i do agree with hquek that
still should inform due to respect. Your spouse could do
the informing. But if it were me, mebbe i tell them the
2nd nite instead of the 1st cos i know that a big mountain
will come out of that molehill and also i know the stuff she
is gonna say about me being a bad mommy and all.

At least you get one nite of peace and quiet and some rest
for your boy and next day can be visitation for the rest who
are concerned.

Still tell, right?

cascada:

She dismisses the fact that doctors suggested that ds allergy could be hereditary. Both my ds have nose allergies. All their grandsons have either nose/skin allergies but not their granddaughters. She hinted the same blame for my other sil whose ds also has skin allergy. She even suggested our houses r not clean so children have nose/skin allergies.
If we were to inform them, they'll express shock & concerns. Then come remarks such as 'why ended up like that?', 'pity boy has to suffer', etc. I also view their concerns as hypocrisy and as another way to insult me for my incompetency in childcaring. I can imagine them blowing up the hospital stay and telling relatives & neighbours around them, and take the chance to once again informing the whole world of my incompetency.

I feel your frustration here again cos i have gone thru the same.
It is obvious that all or any allergies come from my ILs side cos
all of them are asthmatic and all of them have some allergy of
some sort. My side don't have any of these at all.

I do agree however; that at times it can be that the house isn't
thoroughly clean tho' we think it is on the surface. Find the culprit
that can cause these allergens. I have thru trial & error, removed
possible threats for my #1's recurring asthma attacks since infancy.

The kids room fan should always be clean and dust free, check
curtains (if any) for dust too. No carpets, mats or rugs preferably,
cos they're allergic to stuff that traps dust. Pillows should be those
dustmite free and with ventilative holes in them just in case of poor
breathing during the nites. I stepped my foot down on getting the
window aircon unit removed. (cos initially no one agreed with me)
Window aircon units are the worst kinds for children with allergies
and asthma. These stuff take in air from the outside and convert
that air into cool air. But it is cool dirty air for sensitive children.
It does not help that the location of our residence is near to the
street.. which makes it even worse. Imagine all that carbon turned
into cool airconditioning.

Try not to have pets, people smoking in the house and also no
soft toys of any kind, especially when going to sleep.

cascada:

I may not be experienced in childcaring but I'm like all mothers, looking after my children with my heart and soul.

Hi cascada.. :hugs:

We all learn as we go along as how all our mothers and in laws
first started out as well. Take heart that you are not alone here.
We mean well for our children regardless of the people who tell
us otherwise.

cascada:

Considering the above, should we inform them or not?

Considering all the above and the repercussions of perhaps not
telling at all which might end up worse citing reason of disrespect,
hubby being henpecked (wife say dun tell, he really dun tell kinda
stuff ya noe.. ... :roll: ... ) etc etc... I would still go for : inform.
BUT... only on 2nd day.

But that's just me.

Which i think ain't totally wicked nor disrespectful.. but more to
tactful. :evil:

I hope your son's surgery goes well and that he recovers well too
under your tender care and love. Remember, while we are never
gonna be experts in child caring, it does help to ask around when
you're in doubt. & in KiasuParents, we have more than 20 thousand
people to help you out in case you do need advise or mere opinions
from other experienced parents or in any case if you need to vent,
you're always welcome here. :snuggles:

I've come to realize that the elderly may sometimes have good &
sound advices but it is how it is being delivered/relayed to us that
makes it sound bad. Cos it almost always makes us look like bad
incompetent mothers. Well, i just hope i won't turn out to be one
when my turn arrives..

Take care, cascada. :hugs: