Another failed marriage.
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hi EnL,
i find that ur marriage is not on the rocks yet… there should be other solutions other than to divorce. note that kids are the ones who suffer the most in any separation between parents…
first u need to ask urself, what is the minimum that their side want u to do other than converting? is it just to see kids regularly? is it for u to convert? is it for kids to convert?
next u ask urself, r u able to accept or compromise with the minimum that they want? or to negotiate to an acceptable term between the both of u?
it is not like u no longer love ur dh or he hates u… its more of the things that u do or not do that makes him voice out the divorce…
it is natural that mother in law wants to see their grandchild, though u may hv ur own reasons, i find that forbiting them to meet is not exactly a right thing to do… -
ENL: Here’s my two cents… Every religion, any religion does not really matter. What matters is mutual respect and that both parties should accept the difference in each other’s beliefs (and or the lack of!). People of different religion can live together in close space so long as there is mutual respect. I give you an example: An aunt is a Christian, with a Buddhist husband. DH diligently sends her to church every Sunday. Whenever my uncle is away, my aunt will pick up the joss-sticks and offer prayers on his behalf. They have been married for 30 years with children from 16 to 20s.
As you have said, your husband was born a Muslim and you knew that when you married him. What is the difference now? Your children should first and foremost be given the basic rights of knowing your husband’s family; just like how they know your parents. I personally feel that as parents/spouse, we should not force our beliefs (or the lack of), to those around us. Your children will choose a religion as they seem fit or affinity with.
We may not share the same faith, but I am sure you would agree, faith is not a bad thing. Every religion teaches well, kindness, integrity. These are some of the values we want our children to have. I don’t think the issue here is about choice of religion (because this existed since you were dating)… may I ask, if you could share what really is the issue now? -
EnL:
Well, you've said it.
I refused to give in although a part of me know that I a being unreasonable. I can't even explain why I dislike his side of the family so much that I do not want any association with them. Maybe I just don't want my kids to become Muslims.
Ask yourself why you are being so dogmatic.
You'd let a marriage fail on a point of principle? And possibly a flawed one at that?
Not sure how much you really love your kids or husband, if I were to be brutally honest.
Let go of your pride and compromise this time, for the sake of your kids, and actually, for your own good. He separated from his family to be with you, time to give back a little. If you feel you have a philosophy of life that is superior to Islam, you should have no worries about 'losing' them to Islam, or any other religion for that matter.
And hey, did you not court and marry a Muslim boy? So what's the big deal if your kids convert? -
EnL:
Actually, you are not being clear-minded at all. You are mistaking tunnel-vision for clear mindedness because the end game is all you can see.
While I am still relatively clear-minded,
You have set up an all-or-nothing situation.
1) Stay married to me but kids NEVER see their paternal grandparents.
2) Divorce me and kids can see paternal grandparents.
How about
3) Stay married to me and kids can see paternal grandparents.
How is 3) worse than 2)?
The answer....a bit of lost pridefulness, but a tonne of gratitude and love from your kids, your husband, your mother-in-law (for whom you hate for no other reason than being true to her beliefs), and finally, yourself, who will forget the lost 'pride' in time but benefit from the love and affection for the rest of your life.
You can do the sums for yourself. -
3Boys:
I totally agree with 3Boys.
Actually, you are not being clear-minded at all. You are mistaking tunnel-vision for clear mindedness because the end game is all you can see.EnL:
While I am still relatively clear-minded,
You have set up an all-or-nothing situation.
1) Stay married to me but kids NEVER see their paternal grandparents.
2) Divorce me and kids can see paternal grandparents.
How about
3) Stay married to me and kids can see paternal grandparents.
How is 3) worse than 2)?
The answer....a bit of lost pridefulness, but a tonne of gratitude and love from your kids, your husband, your mother-in-law (for whom you hate for no other reason than being true to her beliefs), and finally, yourself, who will forget the lost 'pride' in time but benefit from the love and affection for the rest of your life.
You can do the sums for yourself.
Who is more important to you? Your family i believe which incl your DH and lovely kids. U will want to do the best for them. N if this is the only sticky problem, I see that its not a problem at all if you as 3Boys said learn to compromise.
Yes u may not like it that your kids go ovr to yr in law plc with whatevr reason (not forgetting u married a muslim n u know that) but which is a lesser of the two \"evil\" ?
1) agree kids to go DH's mom plc and receive an extra amt of love n care and chance of being showered with blessings from grandmom. You may not want to go there. But do allow your kids to learn show love n care for both side of ext family. Whether kana convert or not thats to me is secondary issue. --but your kids n u n DH still an intact family
2) agree to the divorce n kids kana torn apart by parents' separation. kids suffer from all those effects of broken family. yes get to see dad n mom n ah gong ah ma from both sides etc...but with a different status--- no longer an intact family. oh yes...have to go thro those mths maybe years of issues from divorce/separation headache... $$$ etc.
and oh yes how u know your kids wont kana convert in future whn they meet someone else from a different religion
and... oh wat happen if in future your kids' spouse dun allow their children (means your grandchildren) to visit you --well to your kids they will find it is okay cos for their whole life they have learnt: mommy did it to my father's parents n we are nt allow to visit grams.
before you mk any decision think: think for your kids, your DH whom u love n married him... in a marriage it is not jus the man u marry but his family and your family r involved. -
It’s not all about your pride or so called principle, the happiness of 4 other people are at stake. Would it kill you to just give it one go and let your hubby bring the kids to the grandma once? You’ve created all these ghosts in your mind and you are willing to cause great hurt to your loved ones on account of imagined fears.
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try to work something out to see if it helps… we wouldnt know how much "damage" has this caused to u and ur dh… but as least do something to improve the situation… there may not always be best of both worlds…
even if nothing helps, at least u tried with no regrets… -
You don’t even know why you dislike your DH family so much yet you made such unilateral decision by refusing your kids to acknowledge their grandparents and hubby’s parents to enjoy their grandchildren. Even if they are unkind, it still does not give you the right to stop them from seeing each other. This is a super deluded, selfish and cruel act.
Your DH, kids and PILs do not deserve such treatment at all. DH and his family had sacrificed and compromised so much for you all these years with their love and kindness especially your DH. You are forcing your DH who love you dearly to issue the ultimatum on you. His own father cannot enjoy the kids, he don’t want his own mother to continue the same. How can you be so cruel.
Your marriage is doom to fail with your mindset as such. Yet, all you can think of is MAINTENANCE. No wonder the SG men are complaining about the women’s charter being unfair. -
Gooby:
... No wonder the SG men are complaining about the women's charter being unfair.
Why make such generalisations? -
3Boys:
... And hey, did you not court and marry a Muslim boy? So what's the big deal if your kids convert?
That is an excellent point. But there is probably more than meets the eye.
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