Concerned Grandparents?

[3Boys]

Happy Parents:

In fact, during dinner gatherings, we would just smile and \"one ear in one ear out\". The only painful part is that our children are always talked about on the dinner table, even when the other cousins are around. It made us family looked like being clueless while others are all well ahead.

That's below the belt, downright manipulative behaviour. You might want to insist that this stop, not good for your kids or your authority.

[3Boys]

slmkhoo:

3Boys:

[quote=\"Happy Parents\"]

In fact, during dinner gatherings, we would just smile and \"one ear in one ear out\". The only painful part is that our children are always talked about on the dinner table, even when the other cousins are around. It made us family looked like being clueless while others are all well ahead.

That's below the belt, downright manipulative behaviour. You might want to insist that this stop, not good for your kids or your authority.

I agree. I told my father (the main culprit) that if he wished to discuss my children, we should do it when they are not present. I phrased it as 'for the kids' sake' as it's not good for their emotional well-being and self-esteem, and it undermines our family discipline. Thankfully he agreed though it doesn't stop him from complaining to me now and again. Actually, even that has stopped now, but he has hardly spoken to me for about 2 yrs now even though he talks to my kids on the phone weekly and we meet every week when we are in Singapore. If he had continued to criticise our kids and our family in front of the kids, my husband was ready for our family to walk out of family dinners, which would have made things even more uncomfortable. It seems ridiculous to me that how we choose to educate our kids should cause such a rift in a family, but it has. We still believe that parents need to make the final decision, not grandparents.[/quote]Yep. And you don't want your kids to be feeling inferior to their cousins. I did pretty well in school but my cousins were astronomically good and it was irritating to be compared all the time :mad: :mad:

[BlueBells]

I can be quite defiant, so I would tell them firmly \"let's not discuss school work at the dining table\". If they persisted, I would repeat again \"thought I said to drop it??\" I would do this to my parents, and my hubby would do this to his parents. And the offline, I would tell my parents off that I do not like them to interfere in the way we coach our children, if they can't give us our space, then expect to see us less, and I would be prepared to skip a few visits to drive home my point. Action speaks louder than words. :evil:

[Mawar]

I guess it all boils down to the family dynamics. In this respect, we have it better than some. The grandparents and extended families have the understanding that we want to build and not destroy the family bond. Every member is important.


We respect our elders and defer to them. We close our eyes and ears to many things, and let them feel their opinion still matters. Give face. To be fair, they give us space. We are in it together and for the long haul.

Off topic but the SMS have played an important role to let off steam. When there are words we can’t say to their faces, we SMS tactfully. So far it has worked out well for us.

[Happy Parents]

Thank you very much for your encouragement and advise.


I fully agree that parents have the final say in the children upbringing, and not any one else. It is definitely a difficult art in "reminding" the old folks of this fundamental truth tactfully without having to hurt their feelings or offend them.

We have been called "rebellious" all because we do not make tuition a way of life for our kids, like the rest of their cousins. It looks like we have been looked upon as clueless parents and we need to be taught on how to bring up our 3 kids. It is plain ridiculous to subject our kids to tuition just because other kids are doing it (e.g. this parent claimed this tuition teacher is good, so we much hire this tuition teacher!). We must understand where are our kids’ weak points, check with their teachers and determine if tuition does help. Unfortunately the many parents do not see it that way. Sad, isn’t it?

We are having another dinner engagement with them tomorrow evening and we shiver at that thought. However, for the sake of keeping peace, we will still attend and try to make it a touch-and-go.

Keeping our fingers crossed then!

Thanks again for writing in. It does provide each and every one of us a sense of relief and encouragement, knowing that we are not alone.

Cheers!

[Happy Parents]

Maybe you could speak in advance to the grandparents, and suggest that schoolwork/tuition not be mentioned in front of the kids? Say that your kids are feeling bad about the constant comparisons. They may agree for the grandchildren’s sakes. Alternatively, is there another elder in the family who could act as an intermediary to speak on your bahalf? I don’t know if this will work - I know that it would make things worse in my family as my father is considered the ‘head’ (only son in his generation), but it may help in your case?

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Thanks for the advise. Unfortunately, there are no other "elders" that can mediate on our behalf. Amongst the siblings, my wife and I are the eldest (e.g. and that does not make it any easier).

However, my wife and I have already decided to pull the grandparents aside and speak to them if this is to happen again. We will try to be as diplomatic as possible. If they take offence or refuse to accept what we say, then there is really nothing much we can do. At the same time, we are also explaining to our kids what this competitive world is all about and what is the right attitude they should carry. This is probably the best way we know how to help our kids.


Thanks!

[Coolkidsrock2]

My mum is domineering (even my colleagues listening to my side of the conversation knows, my friends who visited my home feels the same), my husband was brought up with minimal boundaries and my daughter is strong-willed. This makes the atmosphere in my home highly charged.


Used to be better when kids are younger but it gets more difficult as the way of interacting with the kids is different at a different stage of their life and my mum does not understand that. With kids getting older, they do answer or fight back if they disagree.

My kids are under the care of a physchologist (for the last few years) to ensure their emotional well-being as well as to check my blind corners. We go as regularly as every 3 weeks if I have the time.