Home for kids
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Namie:
Hi. They are just kids...Hi! We have been very patient with him since he was in P1. Both of us work very long hours and by the time we reach home everyday, it is around 9.30pm. Just imagine, we wake up at 5.30am and work till 9pm daily and longer during peak.
We set homework for him and everyday without fail, not a single question is done. Came out with garbage excuses like forgot, thought I said homework was for tomorrow, etc. The whole week went by and it still wasn't done. This was his behaviour since P1.
In addition, everyday without fail there will be notes from teachers saying he did not hand in his homework and he didn't even care!
I was like you when DS was in term 1 P5. I expect him to be mature enough to schedule his day. I only want result like what we expect people in office behave. I don't care when he does his homework during the day. I just want it to be done.
Sadly, it did not materialise. Homeworks were still not done when I checked them at night. I blew up. But DH told me that DS is just a kid. Treat him as a kid. Plan his day. I did what DH told me and things turned out better. Homeworks done, additional works done.
Kids are just kids. I think it is rare to find kids that are self discipline especially if he is just P1 (or older now). He needs your attention, love and guidance. Be patient, guide him and show him a lot of love. You need to spend more time with him. Come home earlier and guide him. It is a sacrifice to your career but it will worth it. He will improve. -
Namie:
I have to be bold and direct here to say that the fault lies with both of you, the boy parents.Hi! We have been very patient with him since he was in P1. Both of us work very long hours and by the time we reach home everyday, it is around 9.30pm. Just imagine, we wake up at 5.30am and work till 9pm daily and longer during peak.
We set homework for him and everyday without fail, not a single question is done. Came out with garbage excuses like forgot, thought I said homework was for tomorrow, etc. The whole week went by and it still wasn't done. This was his behaviour since P1.
In addition, everyday without fail there will be notes from teachers saying he did not hand in his homework and he didn't even care!
We have told him many times. Both my husband and I were not high achievers in school. Not just because our parents were not well-off enough to give us the resources but we were too playful then to realise the importance of doing well in school and exams. That is why we later saw classmates got higher pay and jobs because they have honours degrees. Fellow colleagues get promoted faster because honours degrees holders are on a different career track. Honours degree holders and scholars are referred to as talents and normal degree holders are referred to as work horses. If he doesn't wake up now, he will lead a worse life than us in the future.
It appears to me that the poor boy is the only child and is left at home without proper guidance, love and care most of the time. If this is true then how on earth do you expect the boy to be discipline, unless of course he is a special child or a god-send? If both of you sincerely love the boy then either one of you ought to take long no-pay leave to rectify the situation. Any parents who love their kids would definitely do so if put in your shoes. Some would even quit their jobs.
It really sounded like parents wanting to disown the boy. If, as parents, both of you are unable (or refuse) to provide guidance, love and care then I would second @Jennifer post - send the boy away for good because there should be families that would do so, failing which both of you can consider The Salvation Army Home. From what I know, this Christian home do take in children of all races and any religion, give them shelter, discipline, guidance, care, love and a faith of course. You need not disown the boy if he is sent to homes.
Honestly, I'm not disappointed in the boy but both of you, the parents. I'm sorry but I really mean it. -
Is your boy alone at home and expected to do his homework from school as well as the homework set by you all by himself? If so, no offence meant but I would think kids being kids, he would most likely not have the self-discipline and motivation to do it on his own.
It’s not mentioned in your post how old is your boy. If he is in lower Primary, all the more he will likely not be mature enough to understand the importance of grades. Especially true for boys who tend to mature slower. Understand your anxiety about his future but to a young boy, it is very likely he is unable to understand your anxiety or to worry about the future himself.
Is it possible that either parent scale back on work to spend more time with him? Sure, career prospects will be affected but if you care enough for the child, it will be worth it. All the bochap attitude he’s exhibiting could be actually be a call of help to you, his parents. KIds sometimes do not know how to get our attention the right way and to him, negative attention could still be attention. I really hope it’s just moments of frustration and work stress that you are are talking about sending him to a home. I really hope you do not mean it. -
He is home with the domestic helper. Not that I have not thought of no-pay leave or part-time employment. But it will be quite impossible with our family’s financial situation - both parents-in-law suffered stroke and have mobility difficulty, mother-in-law fractured her hip bone last year, my parents need monthly medical treatment too.
Right now, what I did was plan all his tution classes in the afternoon, one hour after he got home. This way, at least he gets to spend his time wisely. I know he has a kind heart. He recently signed himself up to be an altar boy because he wanted to help the priest. I think anyone who thinks in this way cannot be bad at heart. -
Pls don’t send your kid to homes. I personally know of Familes who have kid’s in homes for a period of times. Not that they are irresponsible (in that they don’t want to mend the right themselves) but I believe they are just incapable of disciplining their kids. But I have to say their kids are not just unmotivated, not doing well in school and only watch tv. These are trivial, compared to what those kid’s I know (being sent to homes) did. They sniff glue, play truant, steal, vandalize, extort etc.
Sending kids to homes, in my opinion, doesn’t work for all kids.
One must know the positive outcome of working hard in order to feel motivated. Aside from the outcome, one must have the reason to do it. Many a times, we are motivated to move on because there was someone who loves and believes in us.
Maybe life has taken a toll on both you and your spouse and hence you are considering "outsourcing" you kid to home for his own good. Perhaps it is not convenient for you to bare all to us. Perhaps you would like to consider seeking some form of counseling help from professionals first? Feiyue offers family Counseling services. They may be able to offer good solutions to your case. -
Namie:
What home is @lmami referring to? The homes I know with bad hats are the Singapore Boys Home where Juveniles who have been charged for criminal offences and not old enough for the mainstream prisons are placed, and another in Pasir Panjang for drug addicts. These homes should be avoided of course.He is home with the domestic helper. Not that I have not thought of no-pay leave or part-time employment. But it will be quite impossible with our family's financial situation - both parents-in-law suffered stroke and have mobility difficulty, mother-in-law fractured her hip bone last year, my parents need monthly medical treatment too.
Right now, what I did was plan all his tution classes in the afternoon, one hour after he got home. This way, at least he gets to spend his time wisely. I know he has a kind heart. He recently signed himself up to be an altar boy because he wanted to help the priest. I think anyone who thinks in this way cannot be bad at heart.
The Salvation Army is different. I think the home is now called “The Haven” in Pasir Panjang Road. In the past, there were The Salvation Army Children’s Home, Girl’s Home and the Boys Home. There was even a Nursery Home in Upper Bukit Timah a very long time ago. In the good old days, there were folks who could not afford to raise kids, or have Tiger girls, or had children out of wedlock (especially during the British rule days), would placed their kids in these homes and left them there for good when they were supposed to pay regular visits and pay a monthly nominal fee. Many though, placed their kids there because they have no time to look after a large family and there is only one bread winner in the family due to tragedies, separation or divorce.
If the boy had demonstrated a soft spot, how bad can he be other than misbehaving when parents are not around? I’m sorry to learn about your dilemma which apparently stemmed from stress and over-burdened of also having to look after handicapped elderly folks. There should be other worthy homes but you should seriously consider homes such as The Havens or wherever The Salvation Army chooses to place him for he’ll definitely get the necessary attention he needs.
It appears tuition does not seem to do much good for the boy. If it does then he would have demonstrated progress a long time ago. There are not a lot of cheers in the house, what with a domestic worker having so many tasks and no time for him, and handicapped elders who need attention of their own. So maybe a few words about sending the boy away where he can get the necessary attention might just turn him around or even turn him on i.e. wants to go. This way, kinship is maintained.
As the saying goes, “Desperate situation calls for desperate actions”. And your situation certainly sounded like desperation to me. -
Namie:
Hi Namie, sorry for jumping to conclusion that you could be irresponsible parent. I think your boy is really sweet to offer his help to be an altar boy. Please don't put him to a home, your boy might think you don't want him. My solution might not be great but you can consider putting him to a before/after school care centre? At least he will gets his homework done there.He is home with the domestic helper. Not that I have not thought of no-pay leave or part-time employment. But it will be quite impossible with our family's financial situation - both parents-in-law suffered stroke and have mobility difficulty, mother-in-law fractured her hip bone last year, my parents need monthly medical treatment too.
Right now, what I did was plan all his tution classes in the afternoon, one hour after he got home. This way, at least he gets to spend his time wisely. I know he has a kind heart. He recently signed himself up to be an altar boy because he wanted to help the priest. I think anyone who thinks in this way cannot be bad at heart. -
Hi namie, I’m sorry to hear the situation you’re in. IMHO, explaining about having to work hard for his own future may not be the best way to handle your boy. He’s unlike a matured and sensible kid whom such advice may propel him to self motivation.
I feel the kid may associate both his parents with just homework, nagging and nothing else now. As much as I know it won’t come so easily to you at this juncture, try to make the kid know he’s loved by both of you. When he feels loved, it’ll give him security… When that’s in place, maybe he’ll want to do things not only for himself but also to please his parents, make them feel proud of him.
At this moment, perhaps just do everything in baby steps… As long as he can get down to do something, no matter how small , praise him. Loads of patience is needed now, and hopefully you’ll see some improvement along the way…good luck
Just my 2 cents… -
The kind of home I have in mind is the type like army camp - teaching children responsibility, completing tasks within specific time, no wastage. That would be good.
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tuition and financial difficulties doesn’t belong to the same place… IMO…
Anyway, word of advise for you is, tuition is not for the un-motivated kids. It’s just a waste of money.
If the kid is motivated, but need help, then maybe it is ok to have tuition.
But if the kid not keen in studies, tuition is no difference from money down the drain.
Of coz, if you’re rich, you can do what some rich parents do, by engaging tutor so as to keep the kids in check and watch over them (Like highly educated nanny)
But, if you’re not very well-off, why waste the money. It can be put to better use.
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