All About Bullying
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AITA? I want to confront my SIL and ask her to tell my niece(her child) to stop using my child’s things.
Background, the grandkids will gather at grandma’s house on wkends. I’m not there as I treat it as grandma bringing my DD out for bonding time. I do not have any problems with any the other grandkids except this one.
My niece(7yo) and my DD(5yo). This year, it has come to my attention that niece has been taking DD’s things to use even though she has her own. This apparantly has been going on for a long time. Things like cups, spoons, shampoo, toothpaste. At first I thought niece just liked DD’s things so few months ago I even bought DD new customised cups with DD’s name so niece can use the old cup she likes. Niece has her own shampoo and toiletries but insist on using DD’s things. Even when hidden from sight, niece will make the effort to ask someone to take DD’s toiletries for her to use. I’m not so petty that I don’t allow niece to use some shampoo or toothpaste. Like to try a new shampoo, forgot to bring her own, finished shampoo but haven’t got time to buy, sure can use DD’s one. But to never use her own and keep using DD’s stuff is a bit too much. DD will come home and tell me her things kept getting used by niece.
To my horror, this week I found out niece is now asking to use DD’s name cup. Even justifying her actions by saying DD used it earlier so it’s niece turn now. I’m flabbergasted leh… Short of locking DD’s things away, I don’t know what else to do. When DD is not at grandma house, niece will just use all of DD’s things. I mean niece family is higher income than mine and she has her own things to use. I don’t buy expensive things, shampoo and toiletries all from Venus. Not some branded or fancy design that kids will fight over to use. I feel like niece just has a serious case of envy. Always want others things.
My frustration is from DD feeling like her things are being taken away from her when clearly I told DD these are for DD to use. DD will tell me niece is using her cutlery set and customised cup even when told not to. DD is also upset that her toiletries keep getting used up. And I feel like DD is being bullied in her grandma house. If this continues, I will either have to 1)lockup DD’s things under real lock & key 2) bring home all DD’s things and only use disposable cups/cutlery 3)not allow her to go over to grandma’s house which will make grandma upset. -
zuleika83\" post_id=\"2124939\" time=\"1702882241\" user_id=\"132856:
Who is the adult in charge there? Maybe you can speak to the grandma and see if you can sort something out. Or speak to your SIL about how to deal with this? You say \"confront\" - does that mean you have a poor relationship with her? If not, see if you can figure something out with her. Maybe just use the same shampoo and toothpaste and take turns to purchase? And buy identical items for both girls, then each can have one? Another possibility is that the niece is just attention-seeking?
AITA? I want to confront my SIL and ask her to tell my niece(her child) to stop using my child's things.
Background, the grandkids will gather at grandma's house on wkends. I'm not there as I treat it as grandma bringing my DD out for bonding time. I do not have any problems with any the other grandkids except this one.
My niece(7yo) and my DD(5yo). This year, it has come to my attention that niece has been taking DD's things to use even though she has her own. This apparantly has been going on for a long time. Things like cups, spoons, shampoo, toothpaste. At first I thought niece just liked DD's things so few months ago I even bought DD new customised cups with DD's name so niece can use the old cup she likes. Niece has her own shampoo and toiletries but insist on using DD's things. Even when hidden from sight, niece will make the effort to ask someone to take DD's toiletries for her to use. I'm not so petty that I don't allow niece to use some shampoo or toothpaste. Like to try a new shampoo, forgot to bring her own, finished shampoo but haven't got time to buy, sure can use DD's one. But to never use her own and keep using DD's stuff is a bit too much. DD will come home and tell me her things kept getting used by niece.
To my horror, this week I found out niece is now asking to use DD's name cup. Even justifying her actions by saying DD used it earlier so it's niece turn now. I'm flabbergasted leh.. Short of locking DD's things away, I don't know what else to do. When DD is not at grandma house, niece will just use all of DD's things. I mean niece family is higher income than mine and she has her own things to use. I don't buy expensive things, shampoo and toiletries all from Venus. Not some branded or fancy design that kids will fight over to use. I feel like niece just has a serious case of envy. Always want others things.
My frustration is from DD feeling like her things are being taken away from her when clearly I told DD these are for DD to use. DD will tell me niece is using her cutlery set and customised cup even when told not to. DD is also upset that her toiletries keep getting used up. And I feel like DD is being bullied in her grandma house. If this continues, I will either have to 1)lockup DD's things under real lock & key 2) bring home all DD's things and only use disposable cups/cutlery 3)not allow her to go over to grandma's house which will make grandma upset.
So when the cousin uses her stuff, what does your daughter use? Maybe ask her to use her cousin's things, then. -
Niece doesn’t listen to grandma. Niece feels no authority over her. My MIL(grandma) is typical older gen "yang er fang lao"(have kids to finance her in old age). MIL cannot fall out with her dau cos need her money(banker, high SES). I understand so I don’t want to put grandma in the middle. But to be fair, MIL stands on my side a lot cos she can’t stand niece and the family also. She will scold niece over these things but still happen.
I dislike SIL and her family obviously. Her husband will say unkind things to DD(and other grandkids) like "you how old already still dunno how to write this word", "why your result only like that" or like when DD was 2+ 3yo, shame her for wearing diapers at night. I was so pissed off. I have never questioned any of my nephews/nieces like that. Their education is their parents concern, not mine. Her husband will also bring my older DD out without telling me until I confronted him about it. He actually asked me what’s wrong, what happened!?! I don’t feel comfortable with others bringing my kids out without even the basic courtesy of telling me. If anything happened, I dunno where DD is leh… He then accused my helper of telling tales to me. But actually my elder DD told me. My helper also angry she got accused. Bring out need to be so secretive? What is he trying to hide? I don’t feel good so I forbid my elder DD to go out with him unless in a group of relatives.
Her and her husband always nose in the sky, look down on my family cos we middle income and they are bankers. SIL "look down" on my purchases as she will say things like my things are house brand, not imported, not Australian milk etc… Ask her kids don’t drink my milk cos mine is NTUC milk, hers is GOOD Australian imported milk. BUT, her kids always want my kids things. Cos kids don’t understand housebrand or not. When they want milk, they just want whatever is available. I always buy a lot to stock up (like 1 carton) and don’t mind the kids drinking. She very petty, only buy 1 sixpack. So always run out, then her kids want my "cheap" housebrand milk. But she don’t allow. The kids think why so funny? Why DD can drink milk but niece cannot. Then feelings get hurt and niece feel jealous cos she cannot drink when actually it’s her mom don’t let her drink. Even childcare school also look down on my neighbourhood one. I’m like whatever you wanna think you think. My kids are happy, convenient for them to go home, it’s fine.
I don’t want DD to use niece things. Wait they accuse me back of using niece things. I also don’t want DD to think using back is reasonable behavior. I can provide for DD myself. When niece uses DD’s things, DD will tell her this is the things my mummy bought for me. Short of snatching back, I think DD has made it clear her stand. -
zuleika83\" post_id=\"2124962\" time=\"1702888045\" user_id=\"132856:
When people start thinking along the line of I am superior you are inferior, often they will have a hard time too. They will also think from time to time they are inferior to others in some ways. Because this is 2 sides of the same coin. They cannot have the concept of superiority without also having the concept inferiority, on others and also on themselves. They may not know yet what they are doing. And this has nothing to do with education level. If I am in your shoe, I will not take it too personally for the above reason. I will instead focus on educating my child, minimising negative effects the niece’s actions have on my child wellbeing, and minimising financial loss.
Niece doesn't listen to grandma. Niece feels no authority over her. My MIL(grandma) is typical older gen \"yang er fang lao\"(have kids to finance her in old age). MIL cannot fall out with her dau cos need her money(banker, high SES). I understand so I don't want to put grandma in the middle. But to be fair, MIL stands on my side a lot cos she can't stand niece and the family also. She will scold niece over these things but still happen.
I dislike SIL and her family obviously. Her husband will say unkind things to DD(and other grandkids) like \"you how old already still dunno how to write this word\", \"why your result only like that\" or like when DD was 2+ 3yo, shame her for wearing diapers at night. I was so pissed off. I have never questioned any of my nephews/nieces like that. Their education is their parents concern, not mine. Her husband will also bring my older DD out without telling me until I confronted him about it. He actually asked me what's wrong, what happened!?! I don't feel comfortable with others bringing my kids out without even the basic courtesy of telling me. If anything happened, I dunno where DD is leh.. He then accused my helper of telling tales to me. But actually my elder DD told me. My helper also angry she got accused. Bring out need to be so secretive? What is he trying to hide? I don't feel good so I forbid my elder DD to go out with him unless in a group of relatives.
Her and her husband always nose in the sky, look down on my family cos we middle income and they are bankers. SIL \"look down\" on my purchases as she will say things like my things are house brand, not imported, not Australian milk etc.. Ask her kids don't drink my milk cos mine is NTUC milk, hers is GOOD Australian imported milk. BUT, her kids always want my kids things. Cos kids don't understand housebrand or not. When they want milk, they just want whatever is available. I always buy a lot to stock up (like 1 carton) and don't mind the kids drinking. She very petty, only buy 1 sixpack. So always run out, then her kids want my \"cheap\" housebrand milk. But she don't allow. The kids think why so funny? Why DD can drink milk but niece cannot. Then feelings get hurt and niece feel jealous cos she cannot drink when actually it's her mom don't let her drink. Even childcare school also look down on my neighbourhood one. I'm like whatever you wanna think you think. My kids are happy, convenient for them to go home, it's fine.
I don't want DD to use niece things. Wait they accuse me back of using niece things. I also don't want DD to think using back is reasonable behavior. I can provide for DD myself. When niece uses DD's things, DD will tell her this is the things my mummy bought for me. Short of snatching back, I think DD has made it clear her stand.
One of our minsters responded on why he uses a seiko watch and not more attas watch: “expensive watch tell times more accurately than cheap watch is it?” drinking Australia milk will make the kid smarter than kid drinking NTUC milk is it? If really this is the case, all of us should start letting our kids drink Australia milk. If not, we should thanks your SIL’s bigger contributions to world trades.
Sometimes, understanding the root cause of their behaviours , things will start to make sense. And then can better address them. -
I’m reminded of this story:
Kid’s Property Laws:
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.
While funny, there’s a lot of truth in the above. It is only when we are older that we learn to control ourselves, and find that it is actually more satisfying to give than to receive.
I think there is much more to this story than is told. Apparently, the biggest question that you have is why your niece, whose family seemed to be better off than yours, seems to be intentionally borrowing things from your kid. I have no answer to that. But it doesn’t bode well for the niece if it becomes a habit. Perhaps you can ask your MIL to buy the stuff and then distribute them between the girls equally so they can see exactly what the other is getting and there is no fight subsequently. If that doesn’t work, well, it’s time to scale back on the weekend visits and avoid that family. -
When read already feel lots of emotions there. If me, I will just slowly scale back the visiting…or time it different from them. Will let the grandma knows the issues so that she won’t be unhappy.
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zuleika83\" post_id=\"2124962\" time=\"1702888045\" user_id=\"132856:
There's certainly a lot of \"history\" here. I would say that since you can't do anything about the niece and your sister-in-law, then just let it be. It's a good lesson that you can teach your daughter - that there will always be people in her life who do things she doesn't like, and sometimes you can't do anything about it. Protect your stuff all you can, but accept that you can't avoid that irritant in your life since to avoid her would mean hurting grandma (and this is the more important relationship). You can also remind your daughter (and she probably already knows this) not to do the same to other people as she knows how irritating it is.
I don't want DD to use niece things. Wait they accuse me back of using niece things. I also don't want DD to think using back is reasonable behavior. I can provide for DD myself. When niece uses DD's things, DD will tell her this is the things my mummy bought for me. Short of snatching back, I think DD has made it clear her stand.
If you think it might deter your niece, just buy really cheap stuff for your daughter to bring to grandma's, knowing that the cousin will take it. Or teach her reverse psychology - since she knows her cousin will take the one she says is hers, get 2 items, and start by saying that she prefers the one she actually does not prefer.
Look at it as a lesson in resilience for your daughter; and pity the cousin who probably has other insecurities that make her behave in this unpleasant way, and is not being taught good behaviour when she is young. At some point, she will learn how unpleasant this kind of behaviour is, and be ashamed. -
Thanks everyone who read this and offered advice. Grateful to have somewhere to air my thoughts. I can't really time the visits as DD will go over every wkend then niece family drop by grandma house whenever they like. I empathise with my niece for her insecurities that's why for so long I didn't call her out on it. I let her use DD things and I just try my best to let DD understand by telling her she can share since she has a few cups there. Shampoo/toothpaste get used up I can buy more. But now I wanna draw the line cos DD has become increasingly unhappy about it as she gets older. DD don't like that she has to keep giving up her things.
The reverse psyc doesn't work. Niece only wants to use the cup DD is using/has used, no matter which cup has been \"choped\" beforehand. DD used to have an Elsa cup there but niece kept asking to use. I understand the love for Elsa, to prevent any jealousy I brought the cup home and gave DD those IKEA kids plastic cup. Then niece also want the IKEA cup. I also gifted niece her own toothbrush & tooth paste set before so she can feel like she has something of her own. But still use DD's toothpaste. It's a case of \"I want what you have\" and not \"I like this so I want to use it\". Also, DD is the only younger child niece can push around. The youngest is niece's own brother who is only 2yo and won't say anything. All other cousins are older than niece and will not hesitate to tell her off.
Okay, thanks all. My frustration has been vented.
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I think you niece should be pitied as she obviously has issues! Your daughter is a nice girl, and encourage her to pity her cousin too, and maybe that will help her accept the situation. Teach her to be "clever", use whichever cup she wants the cousin to take, then switch when the cousin has taken it! She will be stronger for the experience as long as she knows that both you and grandma understand and appreciate what she is doing. And it may not be long before your daughter is old and mature enough to feel that she can take a stand against her cousin.
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Was having discussion on the topic of cyber bullying with the Sec level students and one common \"source\" was eGaming.
https://www.straitstimes.com/tech/sore-loser-or-cyber-bullied-how-do-i-know-if-my-child-is-being-bullied-while-gaming-online
https://www.zaobao.com.sg/news/singapore/story20240213-1467905
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKP5-R3LDiM]
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