Difficult Relationship with Parents

[Funz]

I have a good relationship with my parents. They are the ones whom I can turn to for help in almost anything. We visit every Saturday and we usually spend half a day there. Which leads me to wonder about some things that some of you mentioned cos when I am at my parents’, they still carry on with their normal activities, eg watch tv, nap, read papers, etc. Just that we siblings and our kids are hanging around. We don’t expect them to go out of their way to give our kids attention or to be constantly engaged with us or our kids. But we are happy to be there with them and for them they are content that we are there to visit. Well, of course mum will cook more for meals that day or we will go out to tabao sometimes.


My parents will also stay at my place or my sister’s place especially during school holidays and we welcome that. This has been my paternal grandma’s practice. She will stay a short while at each of her children’s homes. So my parents are doing that among us siblings as well. We also make it a point to go on holidays with them at least once a year. My elder sis is able to do that with her ILs as well as they are very easy to get along with. In fact, we have been on many trips where it’s one big happy extended family, my family, sis’s family, our parents and her ILs. But for me, with my ILs, things are more challenging.

[foreverj]

mummy of 2:

I actually do not like to have contact with my mother. I will never ask her to do confinement for me. :!:

my consideration then was, she is the kind of mother who thinks she knows everything about child-rearing and hence we should just listen to her. not open-minded at all. hence dare not ask her t help take care of kid.

[foreverj]

Funz:

Which leads me to wonder about some things that some of you mentioned cos when I am at my parents', they still carry on with their normal activities, eg watch tv, nap, read papers, etc. Just that we siblings and our kids are hanging around. We don't expect them to go out of their way to give our kids attention or to be constantly engaged with us or our kids. But we are happy to be there with them and for them they are content that we are there to visit. Well, of course mum will cook more for meals that day or we will go out to tabao sometimes.

hi funz, understand wat u mean. i also prefer them to carry out their normal activities. wat i mean is, when dd was younger, they would do their usual things while for the past 3-4 hrs we were there, then when we r abt to leave, say nine plus, they wil complain say haven't play with her yet n we r leaving???

[autumnbronze]

Actually, I don’t expect my mom to do anything for us. I don’t even want her to cook when we visit. But if it makes her feel impt, then so be it.


She is getting on in years. I want her to be happy.

But I resent the fact that she says things like we don’t visit her and when we do, she just ignores DS who is clamouring for her attention. Her tv programme is more impt :!: And because now DS has caught on to her response, he doesn’t go to her easily now, she complains that we don’t visit her often enough, thats why he’s like that.

She also continuously says that she misses DS, but does not make an effort to come down and visit him when I really really can’t make it at her place. When I tell her to make a trip down and offer to drive her back later, she tells me that she doesn’t have the mood to make a trip down. But she has regular weekly meet ups with her frds.

As a SAHM, she spent her days meeting up with frds. I was a latchkey child.

I suppose as a mother, she may love us, but she has never shown us or done anything to indicate that. I have come to the conclusion that she was an unhappy child, daughter and daughter-in-law. That transmuted to her being an unhappy wife, mother, mother-in-law and in turn grandmother. Its a vicious cycle. She is not able to shake off her own negative experiences and hence have brought them forward.

I accept the way that my mom is. But I am human and sometimes do feel frustrated at her ‘non-attempt’ with regards to certain issues. I grew up under the same roof as her. It was a roof shrouded with negativity, gloom and confrontations (with SIL). I am glad that I met my DH (that too in my late teens) who has shown me that all families are not perfect and that family is family, must accept them, dirty laundry and all. If not for him, I think I would have walked away from her. There is/was too much negativity. Even my dad was a little bit more affectionate, which would get her all riled up.

One perfect example:

I caught chicken pox from DH (then boyfrd). When I saw the blister, I went to her to ask for her opinion. She shouted at me for being paranoid. In the end, my DH brought me to a 24hr clinic and spent a bomb on medication that would halt it from spreading. When I got home, my mom was stony faced. It was my dad who bothered to ask what happened at the doctor.

[autumnbronze]

mummy of 2:

I told them I do not want my kids to be exposed to such situation, and am prepared to stop visiting them if this persist. It still happens but thankfully very rare. I also make it a point not to go too early - just in tme for dinner. After dinner she will disappear to the kitchen instead of spending time with me, my sis and our children. By the time she appears in the living room, we are almost ready to leave.

Its good that you have found some sort of middle grd with regards to this situation, mummy of 2

[Blobbi]

Wow. I hate to pour my feelings out. But I'm in the same camp with you you two, mummy of 2 and autumnbronze. Can't make myself say more but it's been bad ...

[sakura_2009]

[quote]

Hmmmm .... what can I say, my SIL completely cut off ties with mom, even her kids don't bother calling my mom. My brother at one pt of time too, did not communicate with my mom until recently. But if push comes to shove, he will def relent and go along with his wife.

My mom can be quite a confrontational person ... hence the r/s soured bet them. Sad ... I have seen the effects on my bro's kids and that is exactly what I don't want to happen to mine.[/quote]When my brother left the house with my SIL many years back because of my mum, he was the one who completely cut ties with her...he only started communicating with her a few years later (probably after much pushing from my SIL)...My SIL is the 'meek' typed, my brother is the 'silent type' (he doesn't talk much but once he blew off his top, that's it), and my mum - the ultra 'confrontational' type ... :!:

[sakura_2009]

[quote]

Thanks. It is indeed comforting that I can get along with MIL (generally speaking).

Seeing my MIL's r/p with DH and SIl has opened my eyes to the fact that not every family is like mine.

I try to provide a home environment that is as different from the one I grew up in as possible.[/quote]Both my mum and MIL are abt the same age, and both are the typical SAHM who look after their kids while their hubbies bring back the bacon. But that's where the similarity stops. My FIL has passed away before I met DH but according to him, his mum & dad had a loving r/s all these years. Seeing my MIL's r/s with DH and his siblings, I really 'envy' them...I swear to myself that when I have my own kids, I will make sure that DH & me provide them with the same love and care as DH's family...

[sakura_2009]

mummy of 2:

And my mother is really calculating when it comes to $. She does not understand that there are more impt things in life.

Haha! Seems that we have another similarity here when it comes to the character of our mum.

When I was in Sec 1 (yearsssss ago), I worked as a sales assistant in one of the departmental store during the Jun hols to earn some pocket $$. Well, it was my first time working as a student and I was a real blur queen then...when I eventually got my pay (in cash in an envelope - yar, during that time, that's how salary was paid out to part-timers or students), I can still remember how happy I was. I thought I put my 'pay packet' in my bag but when I went home - to my horror, I realised that it was GONE!! I have no idea why it was not there in my bag anymore etc but that's besides the point. The first thing my mum asked when I came home was where is the $$ (I told her I'm getting my salary that day) and I have to tell her that I actually lost it.

Well, of course she did't believed me. She started scolding me, accusing me of lying to her, and being unfilial because I kept the $$ myself instead of giving it to her, which should be the 'right' thing to do etc. I remember crying my heart out that time because firstly, I had lost my 'hard-earned' $$ and secondly, my mum is screaming her head out at me because she thought I refused to hand out my pay...She continued ranting until my brother came out of his room and SHOUTED at her to STOP shouting. He scolded my mother for being so 'money minded' before getting out of the house, slamming the door behind him...

Sorry for the long story but that episode left a huge -ve impression on me. It has been ages since this happen but till today, I can't still get rid of it...

[mummy of 2]

autumnbronze:

I suppose as a mother, she may love us, but she has never shown us or done anything to indicate that.

This is exactly how I feel about my mother too! I always try to remind myself that she is trying in her own way. Unfortunately her way is not quite effective (for me).

I think she makes herself miserable to some extent. laways comparing with others, only remembering the things she has done for her children but never appreciating the effort that we make for her. If she could chnage her perspective, and maybe her behaviour, things will probably be better at home. But she never seems to catch on that she can and should do something about it.