Hey everyone,


Sadly, I am back to seek advice. Need to find strength to make a decision. So since I've started this thread in 2012, the late night drinking issue is pretty much still in existence. Except that husband took on a new job, which requires him to travel 25-50% in a month and work long hours during the rest of the time he's in SG. So when he's traveling, I cannot see what he's doing so less quarrels. But a typical week when husband is in SG (like this week) goes like this:

Mon: return at 9+pm due to work late. Kids already asleep
Tue: same as mon
Wed: I woke up at 2:30am and saw the bedroom light on (I was sleeping with the kids). He was drunk and slept with the lights on.
Thursday: dunno what time he came back cos I knocked out at 10+pm after the previous nite saga.
Fri: came back at 1:30am with smell of alcohol and smoke

So we tried to talk. Same shit - his drinks were to destress after the long hours, boss called him for a drink etc. I told him sure he can drink but why must come home drunk? Cannot control? His reply was he only left work at 11pm on wed, went for drinks and he was \"fine\" when he left. Only when he reached home just knock out and hence left the lights on. He said I don't drink and wont understand ... That's the drink-till-drunk and drink-till-1-2am part of the story.

So obviously me, the much neglected wife who hasn't spend any couple time for AGES, and who has to handle all the kids school work/spelling/tests, sending kids for class/activities on sat, pay all the numerous household bills, etc starts to feel resentful. I dunno if it was a good or bad thing for me to pick up driving lately cos now all the kids related stuff is handled by me (I work full time too). My kids and I hardly have meaningful conversations or any bonding time with husband. I've seen a counsellor (alone) once when I really need to talk to someone but after that husband didn't have time for such thing and I didn't follow through with the counsellor anymore.

So, given that this is a recurring issue, husband is unlikely to change his habits with age, should I:

1) consider separation since I am resentful, I try to close one eye but still end up quarreling every other time. And he tells me why his friends wife never complain (sigh). And it's sad when I think the next 10-15 years will be the same. But I am fearful of this option for sure - single parent, stigma on my kids etc etc

2) 忍 and simply ignore his existence like what Funz did? But I think the outcome will be husband will happier I left him alone and while I am the one \"suffering in silence\" and overtime, we will become even more detached.

SIGH. Such a sad start to the weekend. And husband already comatose after his drinks while I am struggling with this issue. My apologies for the long post but hope to get some rational advise from someone. Sincere thanks!! :thankyou:

ayeritam1975:

I was googling everything about alcoholism to codependency. I came across this forum and my heartache to see that so many women out there share the same fate as me.


I am married for 9 years now with 2 kids, 4 and 6. My problem is very much similar. My HB goest to the coffee shop to drink at least 1 bottle every evening before he comes home, he never sits down with us for dinner. On Friday night, he want to be let loose so he can go drink and destress, that's what he said. It is so common for them to use stress as an excuse to go get drunk. Over the 9 years, intermittently he has gone out at night and come home only next morning.

First few years, i fought with him all the time then when the kids came i tried not to do that in order not to upset my children. he did stopped for a few years where he just go coffee shop daily for his drink but usually he is home by midnight then 4 years back, he started all over again. And he always made me feel guilty for fighting with him like i am such a control freak and not allowing him to have some space and time for himself and his buddy.

I also encountered some hotel charges to his credit card and he claimed he paid for his friend but he himself was only home the next morning! Infidelity, i dont even want to think of it and i was prepared to forgive him.

But last year i tried to divorce him which he objected and asked us to go for counselling, because i still love him and also the kids are at stake, i agreed and dropped the divorce proceedings.

We did went for counselling, there were some slight improvements but never lasted. He learn to be apologetic if on Fri he overshot and only come hom like 3-4 am but to me it is still unacceptable and i am also losing sleep cos i cant sleep whenever he goes drinking. And on Saturday, he is a like a piece of Sxxx lying on the sofa, sleeping till 3-4pm!, wakes ups, go coffee shop again. he didnt do anything with the kids and he used to promise me every Sunday we will go church, well it did happen for a few months and still doesnt last.

From my counselling, i have also learned that he is an alcohold dependent and he is a functioning one so he is very unlikely to admit he has drinking problem. As long as he does not admit it, it will be very hard to change anything and i probably have to live with it.

But on Mon, i had a 1-to-1 session with our counsellor and it is obvious his drinking is affecting our marriage and i am building up resentment on him so now the counsellor suggestion is for me to learn to detach myself and not care for him, hopefully by doing so it will jolt him to realised that he has so much more to loose.

I just want to share with all of you my thoughts. I dont think we should live with it because if you are experiencing the same thing as me, you probably feel angry and resented your husband. u felt like u deserve better than this. The only thing that pains me is if in time to come, this detachment does not make him realise and he continue to drink then i need to make a decision. i dont want to live the rest of my love not being able to have a complete family life for my kids, having to worry for his health and job and feeling neglected as there is no passion or concern in our marriage because he only has this much time for a demanding job, drink & sleep!!![

Dear ayeritam1975

I hope things have been well for you. I came back to this thread to read all the kind advise given to me, after more recent incidents of hubby drinking till 2am. I would like to ask you for some details of the counselling that you went (eg where did you go, how many sessions, the costs, effectiveness etc.)

It has been 3 years since I started the thread (although the issue started much earlier) and we are still in the same state, sadly. I did try to let go as many have told me in this forum. I started exercising, picked up driving, go for facials whenever I can and hang out with friends when time permits. Hubby on the other hand, continued with his late nights drinking. There were times when I tried not to ask, there were also moments when I couldn't resist asking where and who he was with. Just this week, we had a big fight and he said he felt choked whenever I sms'ed him about his drinking sessions. He also told me none of his friends' wife ever ask about when they are returning home. I felt really sad after hearing that comparison.

I am now wondering if marriage counseling would help. Hubby doesn't think his late night drinks is an issue, while I cannot comprehend his rationale of destressing, networking, \" I just like to drink\", boss ask me for a drink, etc etc. over the years, we have not resolved the issue and it is draining me out.

I appreciate your reply if you are reading this. Million thanks.

Feeling very demoralized … Started this thread 2 years ago and hb hasn’t changed one bit. Two weeks ago, he was out drinking till 1-2am for 3 workdays and I really got fuming mad. I’ve been keeping silent about his late night drinks and the fact that he doesn’t bother to come home early to play/talk to the kids or check on their school work really makes me wonder why is he so bo chap about the family. Very sian. We’ve been on Cold War for two weeks now and I’m almost positive he doesn’t feel like he’s done anything wrong ：(


Last night he wasn’t home when I went to bed with the kids (not sure what time he came home) and today being Friday, he’s obviously not home at this hour. Gosh, how can a dad not want to come home to keep us company or spend time with us. Are the drinks with the pals really so meaningful?

Should I continue this cold war? Even if we talked (which I remember previous conversation where he said "I just like to drink!", I’m not sure what positive outcome will come up. When will I ever see the light at the end of the tunnel?

Apple crisp

Thanks everyone for listening … And taking time to post.

I appreciate it.

I really think it is so so difficult to maintain a strong marriage.
While I think I have good intentions asking hb not to drink so much, it is perceived as control, nagging etc. trying to have open communication, but the conversation always turn negative and sour.

I feel so tired. Lonely. I guess I could bite the bullet and just focus on bringing up the kids myself. Reading the news on Wong Li Lin and Allan wu’s divorce was such a sad piece of news. They were such a model couple in my eyes.

Hi everyone,


Apologies once again for reviving this old thread. Need some advice or hear some thoughts so i do appreciate your posts.

On thursday night, hb went drinking as usual and at 11ish, i sms him to ask him what time he was coming home. there was no reply. i texted him again at 12 midnight and no response again. i started getting worried (about him getting drunk or involved in accident), because he usually would at least reply despite staying out late.

I called his hp a few times and no one picked up the phone. in my desperation, i decided to look for his office blackberry no in my phone records. i’ve never called his bb no before so i’ve never stored the number in my iphone. but i remembered him dialling me previously once before his business trip and i looked through my missed call records. i found a no which seemed to be the one. so i called at 12:28am and after a few ring tones, a woman picked up the phone. i thought i had called the wrong no (because i really had no clue if that was my hb bb no and could have dialled a wrong missed call). I apologised for calling the wrong no and she even told me "it’s late so dont call again". i put down the phone quickly.

Thereafter i called my hb on his hp every hour hoping he would pick up the phone to tell me where he is. this continued till 4am when he finally appeared back home. He told me he had actually driven back home at 11ish but was so drunk that he fell asleep in his car in the carpark!! i was so angry that he made me stay up the whole night waiting and worrying about him so we had a big quarrel.

The next morning, i went to office and decided to dial the wrong no again from my office phone. To my surprise, my hb picked up the phone! my heart froze. i smsed him and told him he owed me an explanation because i called this no and a lady picked up the phone! he replied me saying i was mad and stop accusing him blah blah… so i did a print screen of the no which showed the lady and i had a conversation at 12:28am for 13 seconds, and asked him if this was his bb number. he said yes it’s his bb no, but he couldnt find my hp no in his bb phone record at that hour. he insisted he fell asleep in the car, and his bb and iphone were all in the car with him. he said the only possibility could be the office blackberry may have some call forwarding feature which he is not aware and it got forwarded to someone else?

I am very confused now because i cannot imagine the worse if he was indeed drunk with a lady who picked up his bb. on the other hand, is this call forwarding explanation plausible and reasonable? in our sms exchange, hb did say i could go ask the security guard if they have a record of what time the car transponder entered our home. I am having a cold war with him now so i dont know if i should persue the issue because the truth might hurt, or i should just "close one eye".

Feeling really sad because time and again (since i started this thread), i’ve told him i dont like him to drink till so late and come back drunk, but i feel like i’m talking to the wall. Even though i have tried to take the advise of some kind forummers like leaving him alone, getting my own life back, and i did think there were some improvements coming along … but this has to happen again.

so sorry for my long post but i do need to rant somewhere…

I am sorry for reviving this thread again, but i badly need talk.

i am crying as i am typing this …
in the last 2 months, i thought things had improved for the better after we talked about the issue. Less late nights drinkings, more decent hours. but as i was reminded in an earlier post - it’s hard for a leopard to change its spots. in aug, hb came home on 2 occassions at 3:30am and last week, 1+am even though he promised me he would come home before midnight. so i went on a cold war with him for the last week as i was mad that he broke his promise. now, as i am typing, he’s out having fun again.

i am very hurt and disappointed. he didnt even apologise for coming home so late (breaking his promise) and still ask me the same question of "what’s wrong?" when i asked him why he came home so late. it looks like things will never get better.
How do i gain strength to walk through this journey alone?
I come home alone, whilst the kids make my day a little better, it’s those moments after you put your kids to sleep that i feel i have no one to turn or talk to.
How else can i improve the marriage when one party is not making the effort?
It’s really very sad that his network of friends are more important than family …

I had a lousy week. Hubby came back on mon 1:45am, tue at 12:30am, wed at 1:15am, thur at 8+ (prob be coz MIL blasted at him) and fri at 12am. All these late nights while my daughter was having a roller coaster fever going up to 39 degree. When I sms’ed him on mon asking who he was with, he called back and said he knows what I am driving at and he is tired of my accusations (I had fears of him straying). I recently found out hb had changed his password on his Mac, phone and email account. Obviously when I confronted him abt why he changed his password, I didn’t get a satisfactory reply. Throughout this whole week, I cried myself to sleep while waiting for his return. I went to work with swollen eyes and deep eye bags. We are on a cold war now and amazingly, he has shown no signs of remorse and did not even bother to explain who and why he stayed out till the wee hours.


I feel miserable. MIL has kindly adviced me not to shed tears over him but to focus on bringing up the kids well. Apparently, my FIL was also like that and she too suffered the same fate during her younger days. I don’t expect my husband to be home early daily, but at least at a decent hour where he can still see the kids before they go to bed, spend some time with me?? Am I asking for too much? Isn’t it every girl’s dream to marry someone who loves and appreciate her? Why did I marry a man who puts his social life above his wife and kids? I have no answers and knowing a leopard never changes his spots, I may still be ranting in this thread when I am in my 40s! Much as I would like to trust my hubby, these late nights with unanswered questions just makes my mind wonder more. Much as I want to make this marriage work like a happy one, there are many moments when I feel like giving up as my efforts (eg getting him a wallet when there were signs of wear and tear, planning a nice dinner in his birthday etc) doesn’t seem to reap any returns of appreciation. I would like to take Funz’s advice of excluding hb in my life so that expectations can be lowered, but the thoughts of the dark lonely nights is daunting.

To all women who are in the same shoes as me, my heart goes out to you too.

caroline3sg:

LOLMum:

A good man, a good friend, a good son, a good brother may not be a good husband cos some men marry not for love. So wife is way at the bottom of his priority list.

I realised this fact too late. Anyway, I am strong financially, physically, mentally. I don't give a damn to his late coming back.

Caroline - how do you heck it all? I tried to, but this fact keeps coming back to haunt me. the late night bothers me so much that i feel miserable. really wonder why we have kids when he is not interested in spending time with me and the kids.

[quote="Funz"]Just hanging out with my kakis lah.

Must give face or no face if leave so early when all still there
Need to unwind after work, very stress
Business entertainment, no choice
Boss there no choice
This fellas b’day, promo, last day, etc
One last drink and I’ll be home. 3hrs laters still not home

I’ve heard all these, I’ve gone through all these. Our house was beautifully renovated. Friends love to hang out at our place. Wine, liquor, coffee, tea, snacks, you name it we have it. Still he was out most nights. Then came DD, thought with DD along, he might find reasons to be home earlier and more so since we bring DD home only on Friday nights from my parents’. But nope, come Fridays, I am alone at my parents’ to bring DD home and when I reach home, it was just DD and me, until the wee hours of the morning. His reason, it is Fri, end of work week, go for drinks to unwind. Saturdays, golf day, his only passion, after golf, hang around for a drink with golf kakis, diff from weekday drink kakis. On Sunday, he’s a walking zombie. DS came along and it was still like that.


Dear Funz,

Thank you for sharing. I could really relate to what you wrote. Perhaps i have more - apart from all those "excuses/reasons" you mentioned, my hubby also has weekly gym, soccer etc etc. With so many activities lined up, how does his wife and children ever get priority in his life?

Today is the eve of public hols, and as expected, hubby is out and not back home. He’ll probably come back half drunk, and dead tired. Tomor he would be sleeping in, leaving little time for any activities to spend with the kids. We are already past mid 30s … how many more years must i wait for his maturity to kick in and for him to see some light? I feel really lonely … the kids are asleep now so you can imagine this dad hardly spends any time bonding with the kids in a week. i cant talk to my friends about this as i find this such a shame, and my mother doesn’t know my husband is like that. but i am glad i can at least talk here and get some advice.

i am already not talking to hubby - still mad over last week’s incident when he came back at 630am. I could possibly continue this cold war, and slowly detach myself, but i am not sure how long i can take it as it would be a long, lonely journey. As to whether he is having an affair outside, i honestly duno …

Thank you all for listening.

I duno to say I am fuming mad or utterly disappointed with the man I married. I stayed awake the whole night, called his HP man times with no success and as me and mil started to wonder if something had happened, he appeared at the door at 6:30am. He claimed his HP battery was dead, couldn’t call a valet and fell asleep in the car.


Am I being stupid here?? Why am I worrying for someone while he’s out having fun?? Whilst he apologized for making the family worry, I know deep in my heart he would never be sorry. When he got into the car accident he also apologized. The next two months was back to late night drinking and today’s incident is really testing my limits!

If you see someone at work with red swollen eyes, pls dun ask if that’s me