Mummy of 2, thanks for teaching me how to edit the post. Am new to this forum so really lost on the technicalities… cannot find the delete function to "delete" the post about accidentally keying in the icon…though…anyway I think its ok.


Ashana, I guess the thinking of some of our older generation and our generation are different. If I were my ILs, I would want my children to share the responsibilities fairly, be it financially or in effort, perhaps based on their household income, number of dependants, etc. Of course this might sound very clinical (haha like the G) and cold…but frankly I think it does help to work out things. Ideally when I am old, I hope to be independent and not rely too much on my children as sometimes I find that it is this dependence that can create rift among children esp when they are not bonded and have different values in the first place (this is another long topic altogether cos the older generation might not have the means to do it when they were younger to save for old age etc). Also, being a "recipient" of such circumstances, we have started inculcating the importance of shared responsibilities in our DC cos values should be instilled from young (again older generation are maybe too busy making ends meet then thinking about instilling values at home).

Oh my goodness accidentally typed in the ‘congratulation’ icon while typing on my hp just now. Sigh, how ironical…

Mummy of 2, thanks for your sharing and encouragement. Feels better and glad to have this platform to be able to share issues and get advice from kind forumers.

Mommy of 2, yes, you are spot on. DH has been shouldering the bulk of the responsibility all these years. Thus, I suppose as the amount of responsibilities increase, he as well as our family unit is expected to take on more (SIL expected us to employ a maid for my ILs or my DC and me should go and clean up my IL’s house and cook for them). Due to the increased financial burden of an additional $1000 per month, my DH has put off some purchase decisions. I surely do not hope that it would mean stinging on our DCs education expenses too, especially although they can still cope with no tuition now, they might be needing some soon cos I can see DC1 struggling with some of her subjects. Guess if this gets overboard, I am really going to talk to my DH seriously about getting his siblings to do more.

Thanks all for the valuable advice and input. My thinking is also 有钱出钱，有力出力，but what his siblings are doing is 有钱不要出钱,有力不要出力，全要别人出! I also understand that we should not be comparing what other siblings do/ give and instead look at what the elderly want and give accordingly to fulfil our responsibilities. However, now his siblings are asking us to do more and more despite us already doing our part and of course for parents, just like our children, we should strive to provide the best. But how much is the best to fulfil responsibilities? Of course to the ILs, they would want to be served regardless of which child is shouldering the responsibilities but to me , I just don’t understand why is it that they can talk so much about how to serve but they can’t walk the talk? They are also trying hard to push everything to us while they continue to spend their money and time on gadgets, pets, entertainment, etc! Very sorry for all my grouses, I know that when it comes to responsibilities, its hard to quantify esp when people have different attitudes and character, its just that how I hope all his siblings can play their part in taking on their share of the responsibilities for their parents whether it is in financial term or in effort, however, alas, it seems that it is not to be that way…

Dimsum, no, he has another younger brother and a younger sister as well as an older sister. However, both the younger siblings are the ones who talk a lot and contribute little and the older sister is completely ‘bochap’ citing her own problems. Since there are 4 of them, that’s why I wonder why it is always my DH and me who has to shoulder all the responsibilities. Furthermore, both his younger siblings and their spouses are working but they are always saying that they are broke and can’t pay for this and that. Then if they can’t contribute much financially why can’t they share part of the care like helping to clean the house etc and have to shove everything to us?

How do you deal with sister/ brother in law who push care responsibilities of your FIL/ MIL to you and DH? This is what I have been experiencing recently. My MIL has been diagnosed with bone problem which caused her to have backaches frequently. She is undergoing treatment which cost $1200 each month. DH is footing the bill for her treatment on top of her other medical bills (she has other ailments like diabetes etc). He is also paying my FIL medical bills (HBP, cholesteral,etc) as well as utilities and other adhoc bills in addition to the monthly allowance given to them. We also visit them almost weekly to see how they are getting on. However, due to my MIL’s health issues recently, my SIL (she is married with her own family) has been telling us to administer my MIL’s medicine for her everyday (we don’t stay with my ILs), prepare meals for my ILs everyday and she even ask my DC to clean up my IL’s house. She and my BIL have also been putting ideas into my ILs heads like asking us to get them a maid. My DH just laughed it off or keep quiet. However I am boiling inside. If they have so many suggestions, why don’t they go and do it instead of just talk only? They have never paid any medical bills for my ILs and they, esp my BIL also do not visit my ILs that often. Now that my MIL is not well, they are getting even worse by trying to push all care responsibilities to my DH and me. I am not sure whether my ILs can sense that my SIL and BIL are trying to push everything to us cos they seem to agree that their house should be cleaned everyday and someone should provide them home-cooked food and even a maid. My husband is just a working class employee and I have been out of job for a while and trying hard to secure an employment. Although my DH earns more than her siblings, he is a sole breadwinner who has mouths to feed too so I don’t think its right for us to shoulder everything! We can shoulder more since he earns more but it is only fair that the rest should chip in as well. Any advice on how to deal with such NATO SIL/ BIL and for that matter MIL/FIL who seems clueless that their children are not bonded and some are trying to take advantage of others?