Hi Insider Da Jie,

My relationship with my mother was similar to your niece with your sister.  The difference was that I was timid and faced my mum with fear then. 

I am conscious about the fact that i am behaving like my mum having short temper, shouting and screaming when things do not go smoothly as i want. I know this is NOT right as I have been hurt before and i do NOT want my children to be fearful of me.  I restrain myself with all my might when things do not go smoothly.  And when I did restrained, I feel extremely frustrated inside like why I can’t even be angry when things make me angry.  

It is like there is this loud, big, ugly, strong monster inside me, desire to jump out at each slightest opportunity. I do not want it to come out and suppress it.  Suppressing it is very hard and frustrating for me. I need a lot of mental strength to do it.  

After reading this para about the vicious cycle, I have scary vibes over me, as I was the One who disrupt the positive Qi in the house. 
{It is important for a house to be filled with as many positive points as possible and a person to be surrounded by as many positive points as possible. Therefore, it’s crucial for parents to try to control their temper as much as possible and to avoid nagging, scolding, quarreling, etc at home (concept of 家和万事兴、家衰口不停）. All these breed negative points within a home and with more and more negative points, even good stars that are supposed to be shining bright will be dimmed by all the negativities in the house = most if not all at home suffer from moodiness, low spirit, etc, and thereby breeding more negative points – vicious cycle.}

I do want good stars to shine brightly for my dh, ds and dd.  Since 8 feb, I have been suppressing the monster inside me.  I will look away when I saw things that will invite the monster out.  I will take a breath and adjust the vol. of my voice when I need to repeat my instructions again. 

My hb was a little uncomfortable he say why dun I just spit what I want to say and not hold it inside.  I think he saw the part that it was really difficult for me, made him feel uncomfortable.  I ask for some time, it will be alright soon.  

Ds used to cry his way thru when I coach him in his studies which frustrated me very much.  These few weeks, I have been adjusting my expectations on him and this week, he is pretty much on auto mode, whining was less than usual and wanting to do more even when I told him to go and rest.  He is more vocal, speaking up for himself.  He wanted me to check one of the problem sum if he had done correctly. It was a difficult one and i frowned my brows, he saw my expression and say,"Tell me what went wrong, dun scold me hor!" in a light hearted way.  Omg, I realized I must be doing that all the while and he was hurt, didnt know how to react but with tears.  I smiled and acknowledged his words.  And guess what, he got that tricky problem sum correct. 

From time to time, the monster do sneak out but it is getting weaker. I need to build my positive stars to shine brightly to clear up my 无明 that have been around for years.

谢谢insider大姐!