Janet, I agree with you that love and respect has to be earned. Mils like mine expect people to kow tow to them. She wants her "suggestions" i.e. directives to be followed. I also did not do any "polishing", so I have always been an outsider.


As for showing love and concern, it is foreign to her. Seems like she is not willing to do the giving part. I find it sad that a grandparent acts the way she does. I rarely hear the older grandkids address her. Even the sils don’t do that. Her no. 1 concern and interest is money. The other is probing to get the infor she wants. When my mum was helping me (staying at my home then) during a trying period, mil asked me point blank in her usual overbearing tone, "Didn’t your mom go to your sibling’s place?" Since mil has never bothered to show real concern to me or my child, I don’t see why I have to explain to her. I only gave a neutral answer.

My mum, on the other hand, is the doting type of grandparent. She cooks food the grandkids like and never forgets about b’days. She showers them with hugs. It’s about showing love and concern right from the start. So the grandkids appreciate her and are close to her. It comes naturally.

Sorry for the long post.

Yes, it’s all an act. I am not on talking terms with the sil due to what she did to jeopardise my r’ship with my hubs. Yet in front of mil and hubs, she’ll start acting. Mil pressurised my child to call the sil during that visit. So one was saying "hi fives!" while the other said in her usual loud, commanding tone, "Gu Gu! Gu Gu!" It looked ridiculous with the two of them acting like that.


We have never been close. It’s not that I don’t want to teach my child to address the elders but in this case, after all that has happened, forget it. I do, however, ask my child to address the pils. The last time we visited, mil did not acknowledge when my son called her nai nai(called her four times). Only did so at the fifth time and not very willingly. No, she is not hard of hearing.

Hi Janet


I feel that young children can sense if the concern shown is genuine or fake. On one occasion, one sil was trying to act friendly to my child. Imagine someone standing next to you, saying in a loud, fake, excited tone "give me a five!!" several times. I know she wanted to show we are on good terms to mil, who was watching. My young child was very uncomfortable with the attention and did not respond to her. He turned away to the other side and told me "I don’t like."

My mil is at it again — showing off at the expense of others. Just doesn’t have any consideration for our financial constraints. Likes to boast and dangle the carrot in front of her offspring. When it comes to actual $ expense, she doesn’t bother while the rest just act blur. They share the same trait — boastful and super ‘ngeow’.

janet_lee88:

Oh, mine here would just like the idea of having grandchildren. Funny thing is, she likes to ask my son, '我是谁?' Sounds like that movie which Jackie Chan produced ? Son gets so irritated bcos she keeps asking that question. Senile case or wants to make a point (what point)??? :?


She doesn't like to cook, likes to have her hair set nice nice. I guess most prob whole day talking to her daughter using Skype, or else gossip. So good lah, she can go to America to help daughter look after the 2 half angmoh grandchildren and do her part as 外婆.

Hi janet

Wow, after reading some of your posts, realise our inlaw side really've a lot in common. One sil also married to foreigner. Mil will 'organize' dinner at some restaurant(must be upmarket one, got face) whenever they're back for visit. Then she waits to see who'll foot the bill.

She also likes to ask my child in her loud voice, \"Ni mei you jiao wo ah?!\" I can tell my child is not comfortable with her. She has shown very little concern all along and so I feel she should not expect any kind of closeness in the grandparent-grandchild relationship. Her so called concern is always asking whether my child goes to childcare(trying to find out if I'm working or put it in another way, still depending on her son) or probing, asking if my mum, who helps me at times, visits my siblings and how often my mum comes to my place, etc. I think it's really none of her biz. My child also doesn't like the sils. I guess young children can sense negative vibes from adults.

Good that you'll get some peace soon. As for me, really don't feel like meeting these people. The last time I visited, his mother said, \"If not free, no need to come lor.\" Of course, it was not within my husband's earshot. My mil belongs to type (g), the one you added to the list.
Just wondering, how do you handle the relationships with the inlaw side, janet? For me, can only ren3 but I know if they overdo it, will have to voice out.

Seems like in some cases, it’s the mil and her daughters creating the problems. His sisters also like to give him ‘assignments’ or come up with this and that ‘suggestion’ and force it down his throat (‘force’ cos they know husband would be in a difficult position and therefore can’t say no.) Yes, often involves $. Come to think of it, most of the time. One of them had asked him to fix her stuff >20 times within a year. He finally had enough(yah, very high tolerance level for all her nonsense) and put a stop to it. I’ve noticed mil and her daughters are very persistant in fulfilling their objectives, and will do whatever(eg. keep calling him, butter his ego, act the damsel, try to make him feel guilty) to get what they want from him. It’s evident that they don’t give a damn about their son’s/bro’s situation or our family. They are the ones who boast about how well they are doing("I’m thinking of investing in property overseas" said aloud for everyone’s ears/mil’s constant reminders to children) and yet when it comes to $, will squeeze what they can out of you.

janet_lee88:

My visits to visit them are not frequent...familiarity breeds contempt. So I believe in keeping short and sweet.


My hubby has been manipulated since young by his younger siblings. Like what Carrotz mentioned, if her MIL had done her part by teaching the right values, this would not have happened.

Hi janet

Yes, I also believe in keeping the visits short where possible. My husband visits his parents regularly. Despite the strain in my relationship with his mother, he'll ask whether me and child wants to go almost every time. Guess he wants us to 'support' him. I know I can't say no too often. So when I visit, I focus on my child and avoid talking to mil and sils. Just address her and fil(she doesn't respond) and go to one side with my child.

Now that one of the two sils I mentioned has stationed herself there for the day, even more sian when visiting. She is super irritating as well. On a recent visit, she was opening the gate for us when she gave me an annoying sideways glance, acted as if she was speaking to my child and said, \"If you don't call me, I WON'T open the gate for you!\" Husband just kept quiet.

Yes, the values inculcated by a mother really show in her children's behaviour. In this case, a lot is treated as some sort of $ transaction, the focus being on taking advantage and personal (monetary) gain. I must say it was only recently that I saw a much clearer picture of this aspect of the family.

My mil also likes to talk, maybe the correct word is probe. She is loud, condescending and very tactless. She also has double standards. Sons are more impt. As for daughters, the ones who earn more rank higher. She idolises $ and often reminds her children abt hers. So what price filial piety? According to her, someone who earns a $1000 plus salary is ‘‘yao gui’(hungry ghost in hokkien). "Work for what?" What more for a sahm like me who has no salary. After being part of the family for so long, I know/still feel like I am an outsider.


From a recent incident, it is clear what kind of "values" she has inculcated in her children. I saw and still am repulsed by the actions of 2 sils(her daughters). One rushed to take over and started making suggestions. Her manipulative ways and selfishness are so obvious. The other one took the opportunity to take the maximum advantage out of the situation and worked with the first. Yes, my husband was manipulated but he will never dare to incur the wrath of mil by saying no to the sils. All the ugliness could have been ávoided if mil had done her part. Seems like she is just waiting to see who the ‘filial’’ ones are. This is so sad.

My own experiences with her and a sil is another story. Much damage was done by these 2 women. Now I just try to keep as far a distance as possible but sometimes, not so easy.

Yes, I agree that it can be hard to forget certain things done by mil. In my case, the relationship soured after I did not carry out one of her ‘suggestions’. There were other incidents after that, revealing a total lack of empathy on her part. This, plus some other factors, makes it really hard for me to respect her.