my mil last week just caused me and my husband to quarrel over a packet of FISH SNACK.


I was eating the one i bought for myself but she suspect i took hers. Then she found hers and realised she saw wrongly. Stupid lcb. she thought i cannot afford to buy myself must eat hers? :mad: :mad: :mad:

EatNonStop:

This thread has been alive for so long it does prove ENDLESS MIL vs DIL problems!! So we are not alone


There was once I also hated my MIL to the core and wished she doesnot exist! I yearn for my freedom to have my own space, freedom for doing things without \"someone\" watching, donot have to be watchful in words and body language when talking to MIL....always have to show obedience such that she feels she is in the upper hand. ..so many endless questions why why why she has to be so picky (got maid till no maid, non is to her likes)? why talk nonsense and bad about me infront of hubby/chiildren/relatives? Why always so much negative comments? etc etc

Well, no matter how many times and how long I keep asking myself... I donot have the answer cos I cannot change how my MIL thinks and behaves.... and I have no heart to let hubby to sanwich bewteen her and me . neither do i have the heart to kick her out.... The day I got married was also the day she had stayed with us..my eldest is P6 this year. ...so many years already

Then how do i survive all these years?
I learn super words - hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil! With these super words I find calm and peace...I learn that as long as I dont speak ill of MIL and done my part by respecting her as the elderly my hubby will understand. Hubby will speak up and tell MIL off if she ever create problems....this way I had prevented direct crash with her. What happen to her after each incident? Always angry with tears but eventually learn to know she doesnot always win. Slowly she gave up complaining infront of hubby . She may continue to gossip with friends but I donot care.

Does she respect me? maybe abit more nowadays cos she knows she is loosing \"full control of hubby'....but I donot really care as long as hubby stands my side if I am not the one who complain!

The only worry I have is she also likes to complain to my kids about me! I will never speak ill of her infront of my kids cos if I do so, I am no better than her!!!!.. I always tell my kids to use their own eyes to see if Mummy is what and the kind of person Ah Ma told them..I am glad they disagreed...

Till today....the kind of unfairness / bitterness still linger within me...my long yearn freedom will only come when the day God calls her home.

Find peace!!!

well i don't know how many more years i can and have to put up with her? maybe i'll become crazy by then.
alrdy 7 yrs but still can have so much hate. guess the thorn will nv be removed in our hearts

MrsKiasu:

About look..I had gone through a phase of so scared of myself don't love my hubby anymore for looking like my mil and how I kept looking at a print out of the scan of my baby in womb, suspecting my bb will look like my mil and was crying so pitifully at one of the escalator rides at Suntec City. But believe me, it will passed one day. So tell yourself, this phase will pass. Don't give it a chance to add lines on your face.

so u were crying and people looking at u ? must be wondering what happened to u...

i have also had many crying episodes n sleepless night just because of this woman who hate my guts.
hers is not naggy abt me... its like out of pure hate.

missbluey:

ihatemil:

[quote=\"missbluey\"]ihatemil,


i think you & i have quite similar mils. only difference is she is still working as she still wants to work. mil temper is rather difficult to anticipate, she tends to speak loudly & can scold anytime (not to me, its more to my maid). sometimes maid will shoot her if she really cannot take it, else she will just ignore her when mil is in one of her angry moods.

my hubby also wants to bring his parents over when we move into our new flat. :roll: i cannot say anything as he is the only child & i know he is a filial son.

as for me, im trying to close 1.5 eyes. its kinda difficult as she often interfere on the handling with my kids. i know she is trying to help but her thinking is way too backdated liao.

anyway, i have been staying with inlaws since 2006, not say close to them just that i try not to talk to them much.

my hubby also the filial type but dunno why my mil still can bad mouth us like tt, really so crazy. i also don't talk very much to his parents, cuz i feel that maintain cordial is the best. but apparently she doesn't like cordial. she likes it heaty. i have try to turn a blind eye to everything she does and don't even bother complaining to my husband cuz he wont change a thing also.

yes, the husband plays a part too. he needs to understand what is between MIL & DIL.
sometimes my hubby chooses to ignore me too. :sad: so i usually close eyes & ears whatever mil says, she don't scold me but she would nag. if her style don't match my style, i'd just overwrite hers secretly. [/quote]hubby ignore because they want to avoid being in a difficult situation i understand. i wish that one fine day it will occur to him what ive been gg thru. hopefully. becuz like what some of u here, the possibility of mil staying with us forever is almost certain, he's the only son and both sister alrdy marry out le.

Sun_2010:

ihatemil:

i feel outcasted because of her actions like i don't belong there. even if she doesn't like my face, she cant use that as a valid reason to treat me like this. my face is born like tt. and my husband also once said to her that he cant possibly divorce me just because of her one reason she don't like the sight of me. don't u find it so ridiculous? sometimes she is so detestable to the point that i am beginning to hate the sight of her too!

Ouch that must hurt like hell! :hugs:
I know it is easy to give advise. But just try not to let her affect you so much. Think of her as let's say an overgrown child who has her own trauma, think she cant help herself. Just because she says something, it is not true. If she doesnt like your sight , it is for her to deal with it, not your problem.

You are still young, dont let this poison your life.

anw, i thought i might want to clarify - my face is not super hideous or ugly until my mil hate me so much for no reason want to pick on me hor. lol u know some ppl can hate another person for no apparent reason. that's my mil. maybe because she didn't give birth to me. that's y.

Sutton:

It's never easy to get along with the in-laws. Reason being we all come from different backgrounds and suddenly we are supposed to 'live together' as a family. To us, it's like suddenly we have a different set of parents whom we are clueless about, and to the in-laws, suddenly they have a different 'Daughter' or 'Son' whom they never knew or understand. There's no blood relation, whatsoever between us, hence the feelings of estrangement, no matter how familiar one eventually gets with them. Whatever you say or how you behave will be forever under their scrutiny and any mistakes, shortcomings or limitations we have will not be readily condoned, accepted or forgivable. Not so if we were their own flesh and blood. So bottom line is, yeah...我们不是他们生的.


yup, precisely we have no blood relations that makes it even harder to accept us.

Whatever misgivings we have with our in-laws, what we need to work hard at, is to give them due respect. Not just because they are our spouse's parents, but also to show them that we are well brought up by our own parents. 我们是有家教的人. That will give them no leeway to look down on us.

i feel that respect is a two-way thing. we respect them but we don't get the same kind of respect. sometimes i feel like an outsider at home. i feel outcasted because of her actions like i don't belong there. even if she doesn't like my face, she cant use that as a valid reason to treat me like this. my face is born like tt. and my husband also once said to her that he cant possibly divorce me just because of her one reason she don't like the sight of me. don't u find it so ridiculous? sometimes she is so detestable to the point that i am beginning to hate the sight of her too!

Sun_2010:

ihatemil,

i understand. I have been there and been thru that hate. So much hate that I couldnt believe I was capable of. All of us suffered - we paid a heavy price. Some incidents created such deep wounds, it hurt to think. It took a few years to heal. Things are better now.

I personally think In-laws and the bride and groom should go for bonding workshops before marriage. And have refresher workshop every 3-4 years

I only suggested what I wish I had known at that stage of my life. But even then i may not have been able to execute. It sure is hard. Human relations are delicate. The only way out is to mend and heal. it is not a zero sum game - everyone involved wins or everyone loses. Everyone pays the price, just that the amount differs :).

Men think their happiness depends on how his mother and wife handle each other. Its the other way round. A sound MIL-DIL relationship depends on how the man handles them. Of course the dynamics varies widely.

suggesting workshops i think they will think im crazy or a total waste of time. they are not the type who accept or even bother what is counseling.

i really hope that my husband can handle the situation better. but my husband chooses to avoid and exclude himself out of it rather than think of ways to help me and my mil to not have hard feelings toward each other. i have tried talking to him abt mil but to him, he takes it as complaining and complaining and i look like the bad dil who got so much to complain abt his mother. he simply do not know the daily torments im gg thru and he will never understands it. so now i give up on the thought abt talking to my husband. we stayed together for more than 7 yrs if theres really smth he could do wouldn't have to wait till now.

missbluey:

ihatemil,


i think you & i have quite similar mils. only difference is she is still working as she still wants to work. mil temper is rather difficult to anticipate, she tends to speak loudly & can scold anytime (not to me, its more to my maid). sometimes maid will shoot her if she really cannot take it, else she will just ignore her when mil is in one of her angry moods.

my hubby also wants to bring his parents over when we move into our new flat. :roll: i cannot say anything as he is the only child & i know he is a filial son.

as for me, im trying to close 1.5 eyes. its kinda difficult as she often interfere on the handling with my kids. i know she is trying to help but her thinking is way too backdated liao.

anyway, i have been staying with inlaws since 2006, not say close to them just that i try not to talk to them much.

my hubby also the filial type but dunno why my mil still can bad mouth us like tt, really so crazy. i also don't talk very much to his parents, cuz i feel that maintain cordial is the best. but apparently she doesn't like cordial. she likes it heaty. i have try to turn a blind eye to everything she does and don't even bother complaining to my husband cuz he wont change a thing also.

Sun_2010:

Relationship between MIL and DIL is often one of power struggle.


As long as it remains that there can be no harmony. A wise man is one who can convince each that they have their place and it is a special one. Unfortunately most men land up listening/pacifying to their mother sometimes, wife sometimes - that is no solution. Because neither women will be happy. But then most men dont know how to deal, land up every thing he does hurts one or the other woman in his life. And there will be 3 miserable people.

yes u right, if my husband can handle it well, actually me and my mil relationship can be salvaged. but the thing is sometimes even my husband like to add oil and vinegar during heated situations. not only is he not helping, it worsens the whole situation and causes more resentment between us. sometimes I really blame him for not being able to help amend our relationship. he is the son and usually the mum will listen. sighz.

Is your FIL alive, does he take good care of your MIL? Old women are highly insecure, specially if they are widowed. They need to exert their control as a way of ensuring their future, as a way of saving face in front of relatives. Not that they are right but when you see this from that perspective you can understand the petty issue you are arguing is not about the issue , that is just an excuse. The real politics is in control. So day after day the issues repeat - you win some, she wins some, but remain both highly embittered.

FIL passed away last year. and the reason why we agree to stay with her is because we scared she will be too lonely or upset. that is the time when I genuinely wanted to amend our relationship. I also tried changing my attitude towards her but do u know such things takes two hands to clap? if she's not receptive, no matter what I do will be gone to waste.

If you want to have a solution then stop being an ostrich . Your problem will not fade away by pretending to ignore her and treat her as transparent. Yes one day she will be no more and you will have it your way, or so you think. But just imagine, when she passes away, your DH might feel guilty for the fights he or you had with her, and with her no more, he will resent you for having put him in that situation.

I try to ignore because I don't want to feel miserable everyday over quarrellings and arguments and black face all day. she don't like confrontations because she felt threatened and will threw vulgarities everyway. it is so frustrating. so best is I keep quiet now and act like a robot. I don't want our neighbor everyday listen to our dramas. and don't put my husband in a difficult situation.

If you want things to change, it is very hard because a lot of damage has been done. Neither you trust her nor does she trust you. First you have to distance yourself from this problem as you have a very big emotional baggage. And this is a very very hard thing to do.

it is really very hard. I know it takes someone to have a big heart to put down everything that happened in the past... but I can't.

Figure out what are the issues that you really really need to have your way. The smaller your list is the better. So after your first list is ready, go thru it and reduce it to a quarter of what you have written. You have to be ruthless- the longer the list the harder your challenge. Mentally prepare to change your attitude, rehearse how you will talk or react for typical situations

I guess I will change my attitude towards her from angry to nonchalant. I dunno what else I can do... if I act more nonchalant maybe I wont feel so upset.

Then look at issues from her perspective. Not everything you will understand , but some you will be able to see. Willingly let her get the upperhand in all the areas except those on your list. It will take you time to do that, sometimes your anger and hatred will get better of you. Be patient. Very very patient. Dont expect her to be grateful to see the change in your behaviour. Make sure your DH gets to see you willingly let her get the upperhand in areas that irritated you before. You have to be genuine in your approach. then after a couple of months, after you feel he has noticed the change in you, discuss the issues that you are not willing to compromise on. On those issues stand ground. Other than that be kind and sweet to her even when she is giving black face.

I really don't know if I can do this. ive tried to show her appreciation by buying food for her.... offering my help to her... I always get rejected. I have no chance to show my appreciation ??? im also human I will be tired of keep asking and asking and setting up myself up for the kill when I alrdy know what will be the outcome. and I get upset all over again.

Be warned it will pretty much be a oneway street for a year or maybe more. then things will change. And you will find it hard to be nice to her. When you feel hate within you too much to control, go away to another room, and distract yourself. Rant here if you want to, Speak to your friend, Write in a diary, what ever it takes to over come the negative emotion. Hate is such a corrosive feeling that it eats away the heart of the person who holds it. So while this is going to be very very hard, it is worth it to improve relations with your MIL

I really don't know if I can be genuinely nice to her. she has openly do things to show me she don't like me. she wont do it in front of my husband but she will purposely do in front of me. Not like I give a damn what she do, but sometimes it also hurt my feelings as im human after all. and after that episode of her badmouthing me (and DH) to her relatives, I feel that NOTHING I ever do makes a difference. because no matter what I still address her everyday... talk to her if theres a need. but she can tell her relatives I totally never call her or talk to her which Is the absolute opposite!!! it is so ridiculous how she can flip prata about things like tt and cook up a non existence story. it is so bizarre. u want to rant to ppl also cannot anyhow smear ppl??? jump into yellow river also cannot wash clean!

Take that as a challenge - the prize will be your family's happiness.

MrsKiasu:

ihatemil:

[quote=\"MrsKiasu\"]Freeing up your mil during weekends may help her release her pressure.. I speak from my own experience. I dunno when was the last time I have got a full day off without needing to worry about my kids.


I always find that is the right thing to do coz the kids are ours and we shouldn't put excessive pressure on the elderly as they have done their part when we were still young..

yup, after work when I reach home I will take over the baby with the help of hubby when he no work. and weekend I totally never go out nowadays except going out with hubby and kids. we even ask her along when some people I know don't even want their mil to tag along. I literally got no social life which I believes most parents are the same because of our kids.

sometimes I wonder why does she want to make relationship so miserable? does she feel good herself when do this?? I don't get it. why cant she let ppl live in harmony? everyday must have some quarrel or arguments if not the face is blacker than charcoal. still always say I face black - she IS the one who is face black and causing unhappiness.

hehe, two women fighting and the man at the centre got suffocated try ask your mil if she wants to visit her relatives or friends...official off day feeling.[/quote] I can't be bothered fighting with her. most of the time I tried hard to ignore and treat her as transparent. but she will find smth new to create arguments. I wonder why is there so many things for her to argue abt?? seems like I alrdy take one step back don't want to have any conflict w her but she is the one always finding trouble.