sushi88\" post_id=\"2058530\" time=\"1644815789\" user_id=\"100857:

It is good that if you can feel better because typically as a bystander, we just look at things more calmly. Being involved always takes the toll on one's mind.

In any conflicting situation, the one thing to do is ask yourself if you can take a step back, put the past unhappiness you have experienced behind you. Sometimes it is just that one step back that would allow things to move forward smoothly in a stalemate situation.

For example, instead of arguing or getting affected by your parents' frustration with you, is it possible for you to do certain things that you feel can get on the right side of them?

Without knowing anything about your daily living, I can only make some general suggestions.
As an only child, if you are still staying with them, by right, they should feel comfortable with that. To parents, nothing beats the company of having kids around them, that's how I feel personally. However, in order to make your presence felt pleasantly by being an adult child living with them, think what are the things you can do to make them happy if financially it is not possible for you to help at this point.
Examples:
1. Clean the house
2. Do the laundry
3. Organise things properly in the house or at least in your own room
4. Wash the dishes
5. Help to go to the market or grocery shopping on weekends (bonding time, we enjoy all the bonding moments)
6. Bake bread or cakes or make simple breakfast for the family.
Little things count.....In reality one does not have to be a scholar to please the parents though this is kiasuparents here in this forum. Parents are after all parents first and the kiasu part is also to ensure the kids can have a better life in future.

Also, try not to compare her attitude towards others and yourself if you can help it. It will only hurt yourself. See it as your mum being kind to others and stop there.

As for your medical condition, it would be good for you to share your appt, your x-rays, your medication with your parents or at least your mom. The more they know, then they can understand the trauma of the falls you have suffered. Also, if you keep falling, was it due to your mind distracted or a physical condition? You need to know so as to avoid future falls. If it is the mind, try not to think too much and be focused when you are up and moving about.
If it is the body, please check your feet if you have flat feet or something is not right in your legs? Then share these with your parents.

With ACCA, it is actually a good qualification. This is one qualification that you can work effectively even from the home. So in between jobs, perhaps you can look for that kind of work to stay financially able. You can also teach accounting if you are keen in teaching.

Now that you know your self-worth, it is only about how to think brightly about all the possibilities that you have and do not despair.

Parents are aging, and they have to deal with their own aging problems as well. If you think you have a medical condition, your parents are also undergoing bodily changes which they may not understand those changes as well.
Family is all about give and take. If we are willing to give, we can take with ease. If we are willing to take, we must give with ease too.

First mend the relationship properly with them....then perhaps you may be delighted to find out later all these frustrations shown to you now are actually worries of the future for you, since you are an only child.

Whether are they comfortable with staying me is a huge doubt right now, at least to me. Perhaps they only needed me bcoz they have only one kid? Or because they have realised that despite the fact that they do have other siblings(my aunts & uncles, they have extended family) yet in times of need, yet none of them is able to help them when they have any needs, for example: seeing a doctor when they are so sick yet refused to go to the A&E.

This is a phrase where it’s all adjustment to me. This time round I’m putting my needs first. Adjustment that I know she will never be on my side when her own extended family members’ wants are concerned.
I’m not even sure whether I want to mend the relationship, because I have given my all and I don’t think its enough for them, and frankly I’m exhausted.

Yes I do help out in laundry, washing dishes, folding clothes. When she has her extended family members visiting, I’ll ensure that they are also taken care of, as it they don’t feel uneasy coming to my house.

It has reached a point whatever I said now is pointless. Because to her, her extended family is more important than me. This is what deeply saddens me. Her extended family members wasn’t kind in their words, and they constantly doubted me too. Although I tried my best to be nice for them, it has reached my limits, and my mum didn’t say anything because deep down she thinks it’s okay for them to disrespect me.
My mum is aware of my health condition but there’s really nothing much she could do and I don’t blame her for anything at all. In fact some of my falls could be prevented if I wasn’t left alone when I was sick

Some of my friends told me it’s time to walk away, and just take care of my needs. They knew that one day, I will collapse or do something silly.

Yes I see my self-worth now and it’s time I let go of things in the past, because they is the way to go forward.
What you have mentioned is true, if this going on, my future is at stake here. One day, they won’t be around too.

Thank you for reading and giving me advices Sushi88. I know I needed more time to process all my feelings and let all these go.

sushi88\" post_id=\"2058395\" time=\"1644719760\" user_id=\"100857:

Wow, I must say you actually sound impressive in your writing and your maturity. You are far from useless.

If you were from NA, went to poly and then college, how can that achievement be ignored? As a parent this is something to be proud about plus you are able to support yourself through college without burdening your parents. That is a way of helping them.

I believe first thing first is to know that you are definitely someone who has proven your self worth, do not even doubt that.

Secondly, perhaps try to stand in your parents' shoes to understand why they behave this way. On the surface, what they do seems a bit far fetched especially when you sound so sensible. Howevr, there could be underlying things bothering them that they could not overcome.

If things are seriously bad, it may be good to seek
1. Help from someone both parties are close to like an aunt or uncle to mediate
2. Professional counseling help to figure out why your parents respond this way and how things can be improved.

There are 2 points perhaps you can expound a bit for our understanding..
1. Did you fall physically a few times? How dothese falls affect your current physical health? Are you treated properly and had a full recovery? Is this a reason for you not being able to stay on your job?
2. Did you mean you got into a science course in college you were not interested in but you went ahead to finance yourself to complete the course?

Lastly, when people belittle you, do not join them to belittle yourself. People always have reasons to do strange things to others but for ourselves, we do not need any reasons to love and cherish ourselves.

Hi Sushi88,

You have brought up a lot of interesting factors that I have been missing from all these drama with my parents. I never realised my self worth and was constantly proving myself to them, hoping that I could get their acknowledgment.

Perhaps to them, I’m already at a age whereby I should have a normal working life, just like the rest of my relatives and peers. To my parents, they seem to think they I’m enjoying life? We didn’t talk much because it will always ended up in a heated argument and there’s no end to it.
Things got heated because of the way how my parents treated me in the past and I have told her how I felt - about how neglected she was to me while she can be the caring aunt to the cousins.
I won’t mind disclosing the fact that she was a guarantor for her nephew’s job (it’s kind of a bond thing) and while for me, I needed to slog and work to meet my ends. It wasn’t easy at all yet because of falls or I should say accidents? In total 4 of them, this made it even harder for me.

Over the last decade, despite my falls, I’m fortunate enough to escape major surgery. However, I suffered from post concussion symptom such as chronic lower back pain and migraines as I have hit my back and head on most occasions. With chronic lower back pain, it leads to chronic insomnia.

I won’t say I am fully recovered as I’m currently being treated for my migraines and dizzy spells.

Perhaps I have confused you, my apologies for that. I was allocated a science course - Optometry in SP but after a couple of months I dropped out as I didn’t have any interest in that subject.
I went on to study Diploma in accounting and subsequently ACCA. I have graduated a couple of years ago.

I went for professional counselling before, while I was seeking treatment for my lower back pain. Past issues with my parents was brought up.
As for her, I’m not sure if she’s open to it.

As for a middleman, I’m afraid most of my relatives will stand by her. Because to them, it’s afterall their sister, while I’m just their niece.
I do not have any siblings that I can asked for help as I’m the only child.

Right now, I’m on a verge of a breakdown and it’s either I break or I just let her be and I take care of my health and cut down on any further arguments.

Thank you for hearing me out and giving me advices, sushi88

Hi everyone, I’m pretty new here and I would like to seek opinions from all the parents here.


My relationship with both of my parents has been strained for years, and to the extent it has already reached the breaking point this year. Due to the fact that I had a couple of falls in the last decade, I wasn’t able to hold a full time job. I was only able to be self-sufficient.

My parents made me feel that I’m not good enough for them as they have publicly humiliated me be it in front my neighbours, my relatives - making comments like I’m useless because I cannot even work a 9-5 job, my mum actually thinks that NA students are useless and that I will never even make the cut for good O level results , as such she always doubted my abilities way back when I was in secondary school. My mum put the needs of others above me most of the time. Even when I’m sick, she insisted on going out for her CNY visitations and I went out alone to seek treatment on my own.
This is just to name a few.

I’m putting this out not to rant, but to ask if I’m really asking too much from my parents, or I should say am I really a useless person like what they had said to others?

I put myself through college without their help after I left the polytechnic as I was posted to a science course that I wasn’t interested in.
Yes I know I wasn’t able to give them allowance because I wasn’t earning enough.


Thanks for reading my post. I’m lost for words now. Any advices or opinions is appreciated.

blissful mummy\" post_id=\"2048653\" time=\"1637908954\" user_id=\"7966:[quote=\"blissful mummy\" post_id=2048653 time=1637908954 user_id=7966]
Hi MissyYJ, thanks for sharing.

Would you mind elaborating on how your experience had been in class?

Did you think the teachers were focused on ensuring you excel in O levels?

Did you struggle in Sec 5 while preparing for O levels because of the different expectations in the writing style and question types or did you find it reasonably doable?

What was your greatest challenge in secondary school?

If you have to start all over, will you choose the same path or choose to start from Express, and why?

Thanks very much![/quote]

Hi Blissful mummy,

I guess you are referring to my NA class? My NA class majority was boys, there was only 12 girls. Total around 40 students. Note, this is only for my class though, the other 2 NA classes was equal. Boys being boys, they can be rowdy and loud.. but not to the extent of disturbing the class.

I was in the SBB pilot programme for maths. My O level maths teacher really put in lot of efforts and I approached her almost every other day for help. I wasn't strong on Maths.

I did not struggle in O levels as I was a consistent student in secondary school. I cleared my doubts regularly and consistently revise my work, especially in Secondary 3 and 4. It is important to understand the concepts well and apply them to the questions. My teachers were helpful and we do approach them after class for consultations.

The greatest challenge is English. My English has been poor and I did not have a strong foundation in that. This was also my biggest struggle in O levels. Other subjects is fine.

Well, given a choice I might re-think my decision to join the Express stream at the end of Secondary 2. I was given the choice for a lateral transfer but I opted to stay in NA. The main reason is for my poor command in English.
I do not have any external support like tuition; that form part of the reason not to go ahead with the transfer.

I can share with you a story, my classmate who went ahead for the lateral transfer from NA to Express at the end of Sec 2. After 6 month in Sec 3 Express - taking 7 subjects; consisting of EL,CL,E Maths,A Maths, Pure Physics, Pure Chemistry and Combined Hum ; she transferred back to NA.
I did spoke to her as she was my former classmate. She mentioned it was so tough and she couldn't handled it. I am not too sure if she have any tuition back then.

It seem to me that you are deciding between NA or Express stream for your child ?

I hope my sharing helps you to decide for your child.

Cheers

I was also a NA student who took the O level which is 5 years. Back then SBB was still in pilot and only a handful could qualify… There is something that I think parents or students will want to think about… that is whether is are you heading to the JC or Poly route… If u do want to take the JC route, pure sciences are critical to get to the Science stream as NA students aren’t allow to take pure sciences. This will also in turn affects your choices to local universities. Of course, if you want to chill and just remain as NA, it’s also a doable choice as there’s PFP now after N levels; doable and is a much less riskier choice compared to taking O levels and competing with the rest of the cohort.