hi fairy


Thank you for sharing the inspirational story about DIL MIL.

I was strictly brought up v sheltered and my mom was successful in molding us into obedient children. So as an adult, my style is to listen, avoid confrontation and try to please. I treated my MIL even better than my own mother. My mom I could "talk back" nicely and becos she loves me, she may compromise.

The diff w MIL is she is not my mother. After so many years, with maturity, I realised the wrong thing I did is marry her beloved son. I never talk back to her whenever she scolds me. The more I endured, the more frequent the scoldings, the worse the treatment. No matter how I do things, it is never correct even if I follow her way.

When I could not take it anymore, we had a very fierce quarrel after 15 years of endurance. Then I started standing up for what I feel is impt. I don’t sweat the small stuff. Guess what. She scolded me less becos I was no longer a pushover.

But insider posted this morning
"When dealing with old folks, I feel it’s not so important whether they are right or wrong. If things are of not life threatening nature, even if they are wrong we can also close one eye instead of trying to correct them…For example, not everything that my mum does is correct but I will just oblige to keep her happy coz making her happy (and not making myself happy) is my Guiding Principle whenever I come into contact with her. Nothing matter more than the Happiness of my mum - that’s my Guiding Principle that I will never lose sight of!)"

So while it is easy to do the Guiding Principle for my own mum, for my MIL it is hard. I worry the more I endure, the worser treatment I get. Just this CNY, her own daughters confided that mum is getting more unreasonable because everyone is spoiling her by "enduring" scoldings even when undeserved. But I want good karma for my kids so I will try to improve the relationship - baby steps. Maybe I am too reserved and serious. Let me try smiling, pleasant face first.

Hi Insider


Thank you for your selfless sharing. After reading the posts, I want to reflect on my relationship with my MIL.

My FIL is deceased for the past 10 years. My MIL has numerous children who welcome her to stay with them but she chooses to stay alone and lament this fact. She is not satisfied with her life and has the habit of comparing whoever is with her against other people who she perceives to be better examples of filial children and lucky parents. I married her favourite son. I am a quiet and reserved person who avoids confrontation. I "endure" her scoldings and try my best not to put my husband in a difficult position. The more I endured, the harsher the scoldings became. The last 4 years I changed from "enduring" after a meltdown to politely telling her my stand and carrying on doing what I feel is right for me. I actively sought to explain my stand to my SILs instead of them calling me up to berate me over the matter. Then I realised all these years she has used SIL names to reinforce her own "comments" on my laziness and family skills. On most days when my husband is not around she will not even acknowledge my greeting. She believes in witholding her blessing as she thinks her children are not good enough and wholeheartedly believe that. Of course, I cannot even be placed in her regard. I tried reasoning with her once because I know how often her children call/visit. Even ourselves. But she thinks otherwise.

Before reading your sharings, I thought I was doing the right thing. It has come to a point that I no longer lift a finger to do anything for her because whatever I do will be redone /put down by MIL to show me that I have no value. I try to treat her with respect. I will walk away when I hear her starting to scold me/my children/husband and will hurry my husband to cut the visit short. Dinners eaten with her are invariably a long litany of our misdeeds. I insist my children greet her and kiss/hug her before we leave because I think she is lonely inside. But I cannot love her. I cannot even bring myself to hold her hand. If she needs help navigating steps, I will ask my kids to help her. I sincerely do not like to visit her but when hubby asks I will go. I am scared of the day she will stay with us permanently when mobility is an issue cos I think hubby will want it and I do not have the conviction to fight with him over this - she is his mother. I dread that day as my home will not be home anymore.

Just yesterday, she boiled tonic and asked husband to give me a share. In the past she often "plays" similar games to prove she is a good MIL. After reading your sharing, I try to drink the tonic and believe she did it genuinely. I will try to open my heart again to her. I will take things at face value and not worry about hidden intentions. But it is hard. I have human failing of pride and fear.