Move in with MIL?

[ngl2010]

Coolkidsrock2:

Agree with nightlone, please don't. If push come to shove, then ammonite's idea of a dual key unit is the best. It is not easy living together and very often, they do not understand that different households have different mistresses and each mistress run it differently. Her authority in someone's house is less than in her own house. Even if her words are right, it does not mean it is appropriate if it is not her house.


This will create a lot of conflict. If you have a maid, it will create a situation of whose instruction should the maid listen to. Some men are clueless while some are more aware and by giving specific instruction to the maid to listen only to the wife, he had implicitly set the tone and direction of the household to his own mother.

Last time when MIL came to visit our house, she will throw away my kitchen utensils without my permission :mad: A house cannot have 2 mistresses lah.

[Coolkidsrock2]

You are right. Old people think that they still have the same authority in their children’s homes. This often creates tension.


Different house, different mistress, different ways of doing things.

[vinegar]

ngl2010:

Last time when MIL came to visit our house, she will throw away my kitchen utensils without my permission :mad: A house cannot have 2 mistresses lah.

i encountered ur situation too.She searched my storeroom,took or threw away things without my permission.

Chinese sayings,\"one mountain cannot keep two tigeress.\"

[vinegar]

Coolkidsrock2:

You are right. Old people think that they still have the same authority in their children's homes. This often creates tension.


Different house, different mistress, different ways of doing things.

not only that,they oso disrespect ur privacy. my mil likes to gossip.Told my frd that she is channel 8 reporter,boardcast all our private lives to the other side(dh's sil n brother).Hv to hide my personal stuff b4 she comes....luckily now shifted away fr. her.....

[atrecord]

This is indeed not easy, and I’m glad i don’t have a big problem with it as DW is quite easy-going, and my mother knows better than to upset the dynamics…


We had stayed together for 1-2 mth after we first got married when waiting for reno at our place. Then lived apart for 11.5 yr, but moved to a new place together when younger kid was going P1, so that it’s easier for us as my mother will look after kids before/after school.

So far it’s working ok. DW doesn’t cook much and leave my mother to do so every day, and will only occasionally relieve or help my mother during weekends, which hopefully she will appreciate. But we know she appreciated learning how to use the new equipments in the kitchen (ovens, fryer, pan, etc.) that she had never used before, so it’s good so far.

it’s also good that my parents respect our privacy and don’t disturb us when we go back to our room. Once my father couldn’t get the TV to work (we have Starhub and Mio, and they didn’t know how to switch) after I’ve gone to our room (we watch TV in the room before we sleep), and my hp ringed at 11+ pm. It was my father calling me to ask me for help with the TV!

[BeContented]

atrecord:

This is indeed not easy, and I'm glad i don't have a big problem with it as DW is quite easy-going, and my mother knows better than to upset the dynamics...


We had stayed together for 1-2 mth after we first got married when waiting for reno at our place. Then lived apart for 11.5 yr, but moved to a new place together when younger kid was going P1, so that it's easier for us as my mother will look after kids before/after school.

So far it's working ok. DW doesn't cook much and leave my mother to do so every day, and will only occasionally relieve or help my mother during weekends, which hopefully she will appreciate. But we know she appreciated learning how to use the new equipments in the kitchen (ovens, fryer, pan, etc.) that she had never used before, so it's good so far.

it's also good that my parents respect our privacy and don't disturb us when we go back to our room. Once my father couldn't get the TV to work (we have Starhub and Mio, and they didn't know how to switch) after I've gone to our room (we watch TV in the room before we sleep), and my hp ringed at 11+ pm. It was my father calling me to ask me for help with the TV!

You are quite lucky then
I stayed over with in-laws for 1.5 years when we were newly wed and waiting for our own house. A few years later, in-laws bunk over for ~4 months while waiting for their new house. About 4 years ago, in-laws rented out their house and has been staying with us since. Life became quite miserable for me. FIL was ok, MIL was quite a different story.....we had a lot of issues and I had to endure & endure. Hubby was sandwiched and it reached a point when we argued very often and I was full of resentment. The turning point came only when
1. I finally lost my temper and 'showed' face to MIL
2. Hubby after hearing many sob stories from his female colleagues about their relationship with MIL realised what I was going through and stood up for me on a few occasions. Of course he kena big time from MIL lah....cold treatment, tears and complaint to others that he treats me better than her etc etc.

Anyway, MIL began to mellow down after hubby began to stand up for me......things now are better.

[AdonciaTang]

ngl2010:

Coolkidsrock2:

Agree with nightlone, please don't. If push come to shove, then ammonite's idea of a dual key unit is the best. It is not easy living together and very often, they do not understand that different households have different mistresses and each mistress run it differently. Her authority in someone's house is less than in her own house. Even if her words are right, it does not mean it is appropriate if it is not her house.


This will create a lot of conflict. If you have a maid, it will create a situation of whose instruction should the maid listen to. Some men are clueless while some are more aware and by giving specific instruction to the maid to listen only to the wife, he had implicitly set the tone and direction of the household to his own mother.

Last time when MIL came to visit our house, she will throw away my kitchen utensils without my permission :mad: A house cannot have 2 mistresses lah.

I agree!

[vinegar]

i’ll nvr stay wf my inlaws coz she likes to eavesdrop.


the most irritating is my MIL is very busybody.She always calls up my DH to find out this n that.

I get very frustrated if i happen to find out from their maid or relative,that my MIL reveals our personal stuff to them.

Then,i’ll scold my DH for being so busybody.My DH said he has no choice but to tell her since she keeps asking.Yet,he got so angry wf me when he knows i share my prob wf my close frds but not wf him.

Come on,he devotes all his times to fulfill his mum’s endless attn,where got time for me?

[KSmom8]

I super like the idea of dual key unit or double ( better still triple storey ) house with granny room downstairs! Just hope we can afford IF the need arises.


My problem is I can’t reject the idea of MIL staying with us, if unmarried SILs don’t want her to stay with them, especially if she is in poor health. If I refuse, then DH will also not agree to my mum staying with us if she is in poor health and my unmarried sibling is no longer living / working in Singapore.

[Coolkidsrock2]

Triple storey house? Not sure about your mil but for mine, I think the bigger the house is, the more place there is for mil to hoard her things. (Good) maids are becoming increasingly harder to find, so less things and less cooking is the direction am taking.


For old folks, they will not be able to climb up the stairs so will need a granny room on the ground floor. We were looking at a 3-storey place and one of the reasons we gave up is that all the rooms are upstairs.