In-law problems?
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3Boys:
That's why I say different expectations lar, no right or wrong. Sorry to be brusque, but if it were my DIL, I also won't let her hold a gathering at my house if they were living with us. Certainly if I were staying with my MIL, that's something I would never even think of doing.[/quote]Hi,
used to hold gatherings with my friends in my parent's place before i got married, now i can't because MIL doesn't like it and will always complain about it after the gatherings. I don't go into the kitchen anymore because that is also a sensitive area... very hard...tree nymph:
[quote=\"3Boys\"]Despite my misgivings, I must say some of you ladies really do crack me up with your posts :lol: .
buds, tree nymph, I don't doubt you have problems lah......read my post again, I think you'll understand what I am getting at.
understand that. but its for my 3 kid's first month baby shower... the guest lists - PIL relatives and some of DH's close friends. #1, at the house - its also where we stay. then because of the complaints, we held #2 and #3 ones outside...
i mean, if we were to stay together, shouldn't we get some freedom to do some things? and we did ask for permission before and organized everything. if one is so calculative, then its better not to stay together as an extended family...
jia jia you ben nan nian de jin... qing kwan nan duan jia wu shi... very difficult.
For the how to list - i totally grateful for the tips. but the reverse is also true for us DIL. But i really do agree that respect for each other is very important... and really have to watch that passing remarks! MIL is a nice person, she is filial to her parents and a good sister to her siblings. She is a loyal friend too. She just cannot accept me, i think its probably not me, by and large, any woman who may be her DIL. I think she just don't think that there are anyone in this world who can be an equal then her own flesh and blood... there's just so many issues and so many sorrows.
i really want to stay out now before the relationship gets any worst. maybe then, when we can maintain our sanity and not at each other's throat constantly, then we could mend the relationship and hopefully we can have better relationship after that. and when the time comes that they are too old and need us around, we then may stay together again. by then maybe we would have achieve a certain level of understanding to appreciate each other and can live in harmony. i pray for the day...
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3Boys:
That's why I say different expectations lar, no right or wrong. Sorry to be brusque, but if it were my DIL, I also won't let her hold a gathering at my house if they were living with us. Certainly if I were staying with my MIL, that's something I would never even think of doing.
Hi,
understand that. but its for my 3 kid's first month baby shower... the guest lists - PIL relatives and some of DH's close friends. #1, at the house - its also where we stay. then because of the complaints, we held #2 and #3 ones outside...
i mean, if we were to stay together, shouldn't we get some freedom to do some things? and we did ask for permission before and organized everything. if one is so calculative, then its better not to stay together as an extended family...
jia jia you ben nan nian de jin... qing kwan nan duan jia wu shi... very difficult.
for the list of tips on how-to, i totally agreed with the tips. And this how-to, also works for DIL right? its a double-edged sword. But i really do agree that respect for each other is very important... and really have to watch that passing remarks! MIL is a nice person, she is filial to her parents and a good sister to her siblings. She is a loyal friend too. She just cannot accept me, i think its probably not me, by and large, any woman who may be her DIL. there's just so many issues and so many sorrows.
truth be told, i didn't even dare to ask my parents to come over to see me and the new babies during my confinement... YES, Its that bad...
when i was going to give birth to my 2nd baby, i was still very busy going to supermarket and markets buying groceries for the house and food for everyone and a little more in case i go for my labour. the maid didn't inform me that we are running low on rice. My MIL infront of everyone, that is, FIL and DH, told me not to worry and that she will get the rice and all the food stuff during my confinement. For my 2nd confinement, i got clever, we got a confinement lady to help to cook and look after the baby. My baby was 4.2kg at birth and it was a natural birth with no pain killers. BUT my MIL didn't do any marketing. My mum got to do the marketing in the East and send it to us in the West. Nevermind, on day 5, MIL informed me that there's no more rice and asked me to go get it from the supermarket. 10kg a pack and i need to get 2 packs. I almost fainted in the supermarket. and this got better. for my 3rd (and definately the last) confinement, the day i check-out of the hospital, i got to go to the supermarket to get food stuff already. but this time round, i got the maid to follow me. still it was an ordeal and i was very tired and weak, having just given birth 2 days ago...
and her daugher? 7 mths preggy and she wanted us to take turns to be her driver and drive her around. said that its very tiring to be pregnant and can't drive comfortably so we had to be her drivers. I took the bus and walk home even to the day before i was giving birth. didn't hear anyone telling anybody to fetch me - not even from the bus stop. and i also need to carry my big tummy to the market to do marketing for the family. the stall holders would ask me how come i'm still doing marketing with such a big tummy and carrying heavy stuff... i just smile... and some of them are so nice to help me bring the heavy stuff to the car...
i really want to stay out now before the relationship gets any worst. maybe then, when we can maintain our sanity and not at each other's throat constantly, then we could mend the relationship and hopefully we can have better relationship after that. and when the time comes that they are too old and need us around, we then may stay together again. by then maybe we would have achieve a certain level of understanding to appreciate each other and can live in harmony. i pray for the day...
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Andaiz:
Ha! That's exactly what she did during our first 2 years into our marriage. She calls and calls every weekend to different phones - house phone and his mobile just to ask if we are coming.Advice to mothers-in-law:[/u] Becoming a mother-in-law does not include the same privileges of being a mother. You can no longer offer suggestions, visit, or phone your married children freely, especially the first year. Step back and refrain from unsolicited suggestions and criticism.
If DH tells her that he's busy or needs to rest due to his work during weekdays, she'll tell him that she has already broiled soup and prepared our dinner.
If we were taking our naps, she will call till he wakes up and answers the phone call. There was never a 'no, I can't go' cos there will be reasons why we have to go. And if we go for dinner on a Saturday, she will tell us that she needs to go this temple, this shopping centre, this beach on the Sunday and we should be present. Our weekends are always burnt in the early part of our marriage. If we reach her house at 6pm, MIL or SIL will say that we are so late. But we didn't have a car then, we need to take MRT and bus and needs to be out by 430pm.
Then we tried another technique cos she always prepares our dinner.
- We called her way in the am that we won't go, she'll say that she bought the ingredients and it's already defrosting.
- Then we called her 2 days in advance to tell her we can't go, she'll say that she already bought the fresh foods from the market in preparation for the family dinner
It's like: there is no way out for us cos we have to go.
NOW, MIL's own daughter is married. If she's sick/tired, MIL will tell her 'no problem, rest at home'. Now her daughter is handling her own in-laws, MIL gladly took the backseat and is so considerate about her needs.
NOW, if MIL's daughter cannot make it for Saturday, she'll change to Sunday for her. It's really okay, even if her food is defrosting, she'll just put it back in freezer quickly for her.
But well, till now, we have to be present for dinner.
DH tried to say that he's real tired and wants to rest at home, SIL will tell him, \"Tired also need to eat right??\"
With that, we got nothing to say.
End of story. -
BUT
I have to say that it’s getting better every year cos we start to know her ‘patterns’.
And after quite abit arguments between DH and her, I think she knows her boundaries. I’m glad too that DH is always on my side and telling me to just ren cos her mother had gone through alot of tough times in her younger days and now in her own marriage and with her own children.
He acknowledges that his mother is a tough nut, so we just have to accept this fact and live simply or get around things just to make sure we don’t clash directly with her. -
tree nymph:
huh? immediately after birth can carry so heavy stuff? I thought that's prohibited by the doctor?? Bravo to you for seeing it through....and giving birth 3x somemore!!! Salute!
, on day 5, MIL informed me that there's no more rice and asked me to go get it from the supermarket. 10kg a pack and i need to get 2 packs.
I think it's very funny, during grandkids' first month celebration, usually the grandma is very happy to see guests and all??? Anyway, it's past. -
tree nymph:
Hahaha, give me her email account.
hear hear! Thanks for sharing this wonderful write-up. Will bear this in mind...Andaiz:
Found this very interesting advice on the website wholefamily.com:
How To Improve The Mother-In-Law / Daughter-In-Law Relationship
Each of us needs to feel important and appreciated. These feelings are fostered when we treat each other with respect at the outset of an in-law relationship. One newlywed told her mother-in-law at the wedding, \"Thank-you very much for your son.\" The mother-in-law still beams with pleasure ten years later when she recounts her daughter-in-law's comment. Verbalizing \"thank-you\" in words or writing is important. A mother-in-law who tells her daughter-in-law: \"I am happy that David chose you and that you are happy together\" is off to a good start.
Also, a spouse should make sure that his or her partner feels valued, the most important person in their partner's lives. Many parent-in-law irritations diminish and even disappear when the married couple is secure that he/she is valued above all others.
Advice to mothers-in-law: Becoming a mother-in-law does not include the same privileges of being a mother. You can no longer offer suggestions, visit, or phone your married children freely, especially the first year. Step back and refrain from unsolicited suggestions and criticism.
Advice to daughters-in-law: To improve your relationship takes effort: be attentive and respectful. Value your mother-in-law as an individual, not just for her utilitarian value. Remember that your mother-in-law expects and needs the same courtesy and respect you do.
\"Simple Politeness and Graciousness are Equal to Wind and Water, in Changing Matters\" This maxim is an important rule for both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Respect and kindness are what each needs to enjoy this potentially wonderful relationship.
psst........ can someone email this to my dearest MIL?? -
insider:
DH left for business trip thinking his mum (with the maid) will get stuff for the confinement nanny to cook. Anyway, that is what his mum said she would in front of DH and FIL mah. I must add that his mum has her own car.tree nymph:
10kg a pack and i need to get 2 packs.
Errr...where's your hubby all this while during that time. Should have just given him a list and get all the stuff? I cannot imagine he also allowed you to go through the chore... -
tree nymph:
DH left for business trip thinking his mum (with the maid) will get stuff for the confinement nanny to cook. Anyway, that is what his mum said she would in front of DH and FIL mah. I must add that his mum has her own car.[/quote]Tree nymph, you are really responsible, you know? :love: I'd have made her call for delivery if she's (MIL) too busy to do so. Having to go to the supermarket (chui feng)insider:
[quote=\"tree nymph\"]10kg a pack and i need to get 2 packs.
Errr...where's your hubby all this while during that time. Should have just given him a list and get all the stuff? I cannot imagine he also allowed you to go through the chore...
plus carrying those loads ain't funny! 
She's not Chinese or doesn't respect CONFINEMENT period?! -
tree nymph:
DH left for business trip thinking his mum (with the maid) will get stuff for the confinement nanny to cook. Anyway, that is what his mum said she would in front of DH and FIL mah. I must add that his mum has her own car.[/quote]Wow... no kidding, this mil. If she can let you handle such thing in confinement month and on day 5 after delivery, I can't imagine the challenges you are facing in daily life... Stay strong, tree nymph!insider:
[quote=\"tree nymph\"]10kg a pack and i need to get 2 packs.
Errr...where's your hubby all this while during that time. Should have just given him a list and get all the stuff? I cannot imagine he also allowed you to go through the chore...
( :idea: If I were you, I wld not do it. I will call up my brothers or other own family members or friends to help me and deliver to me... )
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2nd confinement, she said she needs the maid to do something for her, so i need to buy the rice myself. even though my confinement nanny wanted to come with me to help out, i wanted her to look after the baby in the house. I also thought i can handle mah, who knows...
3rd confinement, i got the maid to help me carry. But be out on your feet and doing stuff is also not so good. I do feel dizzy and very tired after getting home. Anyway, after that, i still need to go marketing every other day else got no food in the house. marketing - i do for the whole family, not just food for myself. On the 2nd week, i twisted my back from lifting and carrying too much and not enough rest. I can't sit up from laying down and can't stand up from sitting down. i walked on a S-shape posture - no joke, and its a pain every step i made. saw the doc and it took me one week to recover.
Anyway, this is what happened in the past liao. But i can't let go completely. I know I can't depend on MIL to help me, she has her own life too but I sometimes question this kind of actions lor. I see most of my friends' MILs, no matter how the relationship is with their DIL, they will still help to do some of the marketing during their confinement period. even though they don't live together, they will still bring the stuff to the house for the nanny to cook. While i have to go do the marketing for the WHOLE FAMILY, and we do stay under one roof.
Maybe MIL thinks confinement if for MIL to rest at home while the one just given birth got to do all the chores??
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