In-law problems?

[tree nymph]

2ppaamm:

Haiz, how come MILs are all so difficult har, Buds?


When I grow up, my ambition is to be a good MIL. I told my sons and daughters they can leave all the kids to me, and they can go to work. They can go and travel. Hope I can make a difference.

Why do MILs like to compare? Different generation, different circumstances mah... At one time, my hubby thought I was jealous of his mum. I thought how funny?! She was the one jealous! I'm the one with the education, with the kids, with HER son. The son also became siao :siao: after the stress got into him. :lol: Luckily, now I only see her during CNY, and when I need her help, I yell, she still allows the kids to stay at her house once in a while.

2ppaamm,
:salute: :rahrah: :ugogirl:

My very first thoughts that come to my mind is that my kids will stay on their own after they got married. i don't want to have episode 2 from staying with in-laws and in case i grow to become a grumpy woman, i don't want my kids and their family to suffer because of me. i will leave them to arrange for childcare, but i will tell them that i will step in if they need me to. I would like to travel once a while, so if its possible we can rotate the schedule. it will be nice if we could go travelling once a while, but i know i can only put it in the wishing list. i really don't know what will become of me - maybe i will die young so no chance to see my kids get married? but if i do have my chance, please help to remind me how i suffered from my DIL days and not let my DIL suffer the same as me...

[tree nymph]

minnie2004:

Exactly, hence the built-in hatred toward DILs. Also they don't appreciate a highly educated DIL. They want them to fall into the traditional role of a submissive woman who cooks, takes care of everyone in the family. They don't care how successful you are in your career. In fact they don't care about you at all. As long as you don't clean and cook (which the maid can do it better and cheaper), you're not qualified as a good DIL.

minnie2004,
actually i think most mil wants an equal DIL, so can bully mah... :lol:

joke aside, seriously i think they really don't care about DIL, even if you can clean and cook well, you are also not qualified as a good DIL = ref: buds.

For my case, to be a good DIL is very simple, just follow whatever MIL's instructions and never question her. Give in to her every whin and whime and polish her shoes and kneel down every morning to serve her tea. also must always be soft-spoken and refer to yourself as the lowest being. never raise voice towards her and never ever answer back her scolding...

[buds]

I wholeheartedly agree with you tree nymph. I do feel bad when i do

think of them being alone in the last years of their lives. I do feel a lil
guilty since my SIL has an unwelcoming issue which she (MIL) caught
on when BIL told her they (ILs) can live with him. SIL told me that she
was never consulted with that invitation. She is after all the co-owner
of that house. I also get her frustration.. so if MIL says she's not gg to
be comfortable in BIL's place since it's someone else's house and not
hers or her favourite filial son's (hubs) then you wonder where wud
they go? Then the pity comes in and i go, hey... i'm better than this.
I have been educated with good parents with good family values, so
why am i even thinking it... then again she goes round robin fussing
over every single shortcoming of mine and mind you never hers.
She told me she was the best DIL any MIL cud wish for. Never talked
back, stayed humbled, mouth shut, never argue, filial till her MIL's
death and that's how DILs should be. Sarcastic again la as usual.. :x
I dun like to be someone without an opinion.. or like a ox being pulled
by the rings on its nose.. i dun like how i'm that unhappy. And it doesn
help at all that hubs doesn't know all this. I dun really like to tell him
stuff, it is his mum and he never believes me anyhow. He just always
says his mum is not like that. Ya... cos he's never around to see it
happen. All's well in his presence, the pretense makes me :sick:.

Like you, i cared for her better than her sons did... sons being boys and
growing into men will lack some personal touch and female bonding with
mum. I filled in those gaps. And yet, i'm always the black sheep.

Ya, the moving out thingy permanent or temp... i've tried many many
times to no avail. Each time i get my hopes up, i only get crushed all
over again. Hubs will go yes yes.. and if mum goes no no.. then it's no
loh.

Sanity? There might still be a slim hope for one thin silver lining if it has
not faded yet by the time i get the hope fulfilled. Hopefully not when i'm
dead then i can RIP. ie. Rest In Peace. :roll:

[buds]

minnie2004:

ks2me:

[quote=\"2ppaamm\"] She was the one jealous! I'm the one with the education, with the kids, with HER son. .

This is usually the root of the problem especially a very capable DIL. Just gotta understand and get used to it.

Exactly, hence the built-in hatred toward DILs. Also they don't appreciate a highly educated DIL. They want them to fall into the traditional role of a submissive woman who cooks, takes care of everyone in the family. They don't care how successful you are in your career. In fact they don't care about you at all. As long as you don't clean and cook (which the maid can do it better and cheaper), you're not qualified as a good DIL.[/quote]I'm the maid! I cook. I clean. And i'm still never gonna be qualified.

[buds]

tree nymph:

For my case, to be a good DIL is very simple, just follow whatever MIL's instructions and never question her. Give in to her every whin and whime and polish her shoes and kneel down every morning to serve her tea. also must always be soft-spoken and refer to yourself as the lowest being. never raise voice towards her and never ever answer back her scolding...

You cud not have said it better, tree nymph.

[minnie2004]

tree nymph:

buds, yah - same as you, on one hand, we know we have to be filial, cos we are brought up this way, on the other hand, we just want to rid them off, just to save our own sanity... how?


i really think MIL does not accept us into their hearts at all. else why are they like that? I want to treat her like how I treat my own mother, but there's also dis-satisfaction in her part. I tell you, I really do think that I treat her better then how her own daughter treats her... but still.... realy :stupid:

i think we should get another place... even if we treat it like our weekend home is better then to live with them 24/7!

I was very hurt in the beginning as I really wanted to treat her like my own mom as I respected her for bringing up 2 kids without a husband and I thought she was a good person until she showed her true colors and that she'll never never treat me like her own daughter. Then I just gave up and only hopes she treats like a human being with basic curtousy. But I don't even get that.

[buds]

tree nymph:

2ppaamm:

Haiz, how come MILs are all so difficult har, Buds?


Why do MILs like to compare? Different generation, different circumstances mah... At one time, my hubby thought I was jealous of his mum. I thought how funny?! She was the one jealous! I'm the one with the education, with the kids, with HER son. The son also became siao :siao: after the stress got into him. :lol: Luckily, now I only see her during CNY, and when I need her help, I yell, she still allows the kids to stay at her house once in a while.

2ppaamm,
:salute: :rahrah: :ugogirl:

My very first thoughts that come to my mind is that my kids will stay on their own after they got married. i don't want to have episode 2 from staying with in-laws and in case i grow to become a grumpy woman, i don't want my kids and their family to suffer because of me. i will leave them to arrange for childcare, but i will tell them that i will step in if they need me to. I would like to travel once a while, so if its possible we can rotate the schedule. it will be nice if we could go travelling once a while, but i know i can only put it in the wishing list. i really don't know what will become of me - maybe i will die young so no chance to see my kids get married? but if i do have my chance, please help to remind me how i suffered from my DIL days and not let my DIL suffer the same as me...

I share the same sentiments as you. Just in case i turn out like MIL (CHOY arh!)
I mean we'll never know that yet ya see.. My MIL was mistreated and
bullied and she took it out on me. I might take it out on my Son IL who
knows, right? Especially if they aren't nice to my girls. :nunchuk:

I love travelling... make up for soooo much lost time tolerating nonsense
and not being myself... being free... Wah. I like that... freeeeee.
Just saying it feels good. :lol:

I do not want to care for grandchildren just like how i didn't expect my
mum to do it. She has done enough taking care of us three, it's time she
retire from child-raising all over again. They wanna be mothers then they
deal with it. Hahaa! Welcome to my world! But like you i won't mind the
occasional stay overs and stuff like how my parents are doing.. :hugs:
I oso dun mind coaching them Phonics... and guiding them on how to
read! :rotflmao: Provided by then, my methods are still accepted by my
girls and are still valid... and provided they dun oredi know how to read!

[buds]

minnie2004:

tree nymph:

i really think MIL does not accept us into their hearts at all. else why are they like that? I want to treat her like how I treat my own mother, but there's also dis-satisfaction in her part. I tell you, I really do think that I treat her better then how her own daughter treats her... but still.... realy :stupid:


i think we should get another place... even if we treat it like our weekend home is better then to live with them 24/7!

I was very hurt in the beginning as I really wanted to treat her like my own mom as I respected her for bringing up 2 kids without a husband and I thought she was a good person until she showed her true colors and that she'll never never treat me like her own daughter. Then I just gave up and only hopes she treats like a human being with basic curtousy. But I don't even get that.

Me too, minnie. She was fantastic b4 hubs and i tied the knot. Totally cool.
But alas it was all a facade. It's true... tho beyond hope now that she'll
treat me like her own, i now dun care anymore. After her last ill actions
i have just minded my own business. You go about your day, and i will
go about mine albeit in the same house. No fuel no fire mah. So no talking
equals no arguing. Correct?

[tree nymph]

buds,

just curious… who is the owner of the house you are staying in?

my case, its my FIL. i can always be chased out of it ya know…

[buds]

Shared by them. They got the house months before we got married.

Being her equal property, she will say she doesn't want to sell her
asset. In other words, she doesn't want us to get our own place.
She says it's better for families to stay together. :roll: That's not
what she said when hubs and i stayed at my parents' place.
Double standards. And she told me straight in the face she cannot
figure how it'll be like staying with SIL whom she says is quite the
ice queen. She doesn't like it that SIL can be forthright to her and
may seem mean at times that she gets frustrated enuf to tell me..
and still despite that she doesn't appreciate me who treats her well.
I just dun get it lar.. do you? Kicked out of the house.. ya, she says
it is her house (hubs holds main share) and that i better know my
place. She will not bat an eyelid lah i tell you, if i leave but she wun
let my kids and hubs leave with me. As usual, wants control over
everything, so that she has upper hand over me. Thats why it upsets
her and FIL when it seems to them hubs leaves certain matters up to
my decision. Not man enuf. Hen-pecked. No b***s. Scared of a woman.
Blah blah blah... she says the same thing about BIL too. But dun dare
mention it when he comes over. Back talking as usual. I heck care liao.