Living with Depression
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Funz:
Dear Funz,Insider, hope your niece and brother in law will be provide your sis with the support she needs to get through this period.
DH's situation is not as bad. He is not suicidal but this on-going cycle can be draining.
My sis went through a rough period quite a few years back as well. She thought she was going blind (she had retina detachment) and she was suffering from a host of stress related health issues. Like DH, she suffers from anxiety attacks. She was on blood thinners and had to see a heart specialist and she was only in her mid 30s then. My BIL was travelling a lot so she was alone most of the time. I accompanied her to most of her checkups and made the effort to spend time with her. Eventually, I told her to quit her job and come work with me. And since then, things improved for her. She did mention a few times that my intervention then was really timely, she would have been lost if I had not 'meddled'.
I read your other post about the past life stuff. Just a word of caution, such things can be a double edged sword. If your sister has the right frame of mind, it may help but if not, it may have a negative impact cos we have no idea what is going to come out of the session. JMHO.
the mid 30's/mid 40's are a really stressful time for men. Most of us are mid-career, earning reasonable amounts, but with lots of commitments. There is a term called 'golden handcuffs', whereby you are being paid a goodly sum by your company, enough to handcuff you to your job such that you find it very difficult to switch out or decline additional responsibilities. This loss of control is very palpable and stressful, and this is the tier of middle/upper managers that are vulnerable to any cycle of layoffs (and we all know that). And then you've got friends/associates who seemingly have it made in life with big houses/cars.
This stress manifests in all the ways that your husband is exhibiting. Retail therapy, running, showering kids with gifts, locking oneself in the study. I myself have experienced all of these at one level or another (not to the extent of a BMW Coupe though!).
What to do here? I don't presume to provide counsel, but certainly there are healthy ways to try and destress. Running is definitely one of my outlets. As for comparisons with friends, I attended a corporate financial management course a couple of years ago, where the instructor gave a really interesting insight. A chunk of young professionals and managers flashing luxury possessions are in reality, leveraged up to their eyeballs in debt. But once they get on the luxury train, it becomes an arms race with their peers, and they find it difficult to get off. These folk have no peace of mind, the next layoff/paycut/interest rate rise, and they are out on a limb. Maybe this is something you can share with your DH? No point compromising on your financial future, instead chuckle quietly behind the backs of the flashers about how much peace of mind you have that you are not so burdened with luxury needs. Me and DW try to keep our operating costs low, so that we can survive on one salary for extended periods if need be. No expensive holidays, but hey, peace of mind!
Last, and not to pontificate, but I find that my religious beliefs help keep me grounded. In a sentence, \"do not store treasure on earth\", that is temporary and will waste away. 'nuff said on that.
Good luck! -
puff:
Hi Funz
I used to suffer from depression too and i had symptoms similar to your DH.
I had cycles of dark mood and during these period i usually go drinking or shopping and would sometime experienced cold sweat and breathlessness. I used to find life meaningless and even attempted suicide twice but I am lucky to get out of it now.
From what i've been thro' i think your DH depression could be due to job stress ( diff ppl have diff stress tolerance lvl so to u it might seem ok but could be very stressful for others) and another reason is what sashimi had mentioned the male role that he needs to be the pillar of support for the family if he appeared weak that may look unmanly.
Yes, his unhappiness is largely due to his work.
To find out if his job is the sole problem to his depression try to discuss with him what are his alternative of changing job or start own biz (be optimistic and open with suggestion). It is important to let your DH knows that his happiness is your main concern be it whatever decision he made.
All this may take some time as it took my DH 3 years to let the idea sink in my head that i can quit my job as long as i am happy. Try to observe the frequency of his dark mood if there is lesser episode of his mood change then job stress could be 1 of the main problem.
He had an opportuny to join another company with different role covering different territories but after pursuing it to the point of securing the position, he turned it down. I supported him through it and it is not blind support but I truly believe that it is an opportunity that will allow him growth in his career. But in the end he decided to stay put in his current company though I am disappointed with his decision I also understand his fear of moving onto something that he is unfamiliar with. I have also told him that if he really need to take some time off to figure out what he wants to do next, go ahead. I can support the family for the time being. And I have done that before when we were first married. Support the household while he clears his debts due to overspending. He told me that he cannot accept it. He appreciates that his wife can support the family but his ego and esteem cannot accept it.
After reading your post I ask my DH how he manage to 'treat' my depression... he told me REN ( tolerate) and lots of patient. Depression is a type of illness just like any other illness that need lots of understanding and love from family members.
I know. You are lucky to have a husband who has the patience and tolerance. It is really not easy especially when it keeps recurring. At some point, it does really wear a person down. It pains the people closest to you to see you suffering and yet, there is nothing much that they can do except hope that you will be able to find the strength to pull yourself out each time you sink. -
Hi 3Boys
What you have written is so true. I myself went through the branded goods, flashy car, showy period myself. And the feeling that I must continue to make that kind of money so that I can feed that lifestyle. And over time, I derived lesser and lesser satisfaction from the things that I acquire. I was only in my 20s then. I got out of that phase pretty fast, b4 I hit 30.
After DH and I got married, I found out that he was actually up to his nose in debts due to his spending. And though it did not sit very well with him, I went through with him his finances. After walking through everything, it was decided then that I will support the household while he clear his debts. But I also made him put aside a sum of money each month instead of using up every last penny to clear his debts then. And though he felt that I was rubbing salt into his wound, I showed him how much money he would have had if he had been smarter about his spending. And I even showed him how much his money would have grown had he invested that amount instead of fritter it away on the things that he has bought. In fact, we went through a really rough period and I was on the verge of giving up on him. Not just because of his spending but very much due to his outlook and his take on what is important. I bought him something to hang in his car that says 知足常乐 and he actually got angry with me. Said contentment, breeds complacency and with complacency comes laziness. He asked if I can accept a husband with no aspiration, no drive. :stupid: haizz... very long story lah.
Those were very volatile times in our marriage. I was prideful, egoistic, and very independant then (well still is), not to mention my quick fire temper. I had no patience for his moods and insecurities. That definitely did not help his very fragile ego and self esteem.
Our current financial situation is such that we can survive on 1 income alone, be it his or mine. We just have to shelve certain plans or make less risky investments. But he does not want that income to be mine.
The topic about religion did feature in our conversations. We are not deeply religious but his believes are more skewed towards Taoism while mine more towards RC. And with his superficial knowledge of Taoism which to me is mainly all the superstitions passed down from his father, he feels totally helpless in many things as it is 'his lot in life'. To me, everything that has happened is a direct result of the decisions and choices we make. We can argue all nite about this for he will then tell me, if not becos of his so called 'giam chye miah' then why is it that the choices he makes usually turns out bad while the choices I make seem to work out for me.(so marrying me turned out bad for him oso????!!!) Kekeke. Which I will again say, it is also choice again. I choose to see the world as a glass half full whereas you choose to see it as half empty. My believes tell me that for every door that closes, another will open. His believes tells him that he is in this world becos of past live transgressions that he has to atone for(he owe me in his past life? Or is it I owe him? Looks like I owe him more hor). Haiyoh this can go on forever. But I sense a slight shift in his views lately cos he has been asking how does a RC or christian faith work.
At the end of the day, we have sooo much to be thankful for and we have enjoyed so much and can continue enjoying so much more. If only he can see it. -
Funz:
Kekeke...
Hi 3Boys
After DH and I got married, I found out that he was actually up to his nose in debts due to his spending. And though it did not sit very well with him, I went through with him his finances. After walking through everything, it was decided then that I will support the household while he clear his debts. But I also made him put aside a sum of money each month instead of using up every last penny to clear his debts then. And though he felt that I was rubbing salt into his wound, I showed him how much money he would have had if he had been smarter about his spending. And I even showed him how much his money would have grown had he invested that amount instead of fritter it away on the things that he has bought.
you got to get him some of the stuff written by or about Warren Buffett. Who could argue that he is one of the most successful investors of our time, not to mention one of the richest men alive? His attitude towards money (the use and conservation of it) is very very refreshing in this age of consumerism, where young salesgirls will go out and splash their entire paycheck on an LV bag or Ferragamo shoes. I find his attitudes very inspiring and every time I feel the urge to splurge, I think, 'Warren Buffett'!Funz:
Agreed, RC/Christianity seeks thankfulness, even in the face of severe adversity. About lots in life, maybe he needs to take a busines trip out to Mumbai and see the slums firsthand, perhaps he will be a little happier about his lot in life! Its an attitudinal shift and is not easy....
The topic about religion did feature in our conversations. We are not deeply religious but his believes are more skewed towards Taoism while mine more towards RC. And with his superficial knowledge of Taoism which to me is mainly all the superstitions passed down from his father, he feels totally helpless in many things as it is 'his lot in life'. To me, everything that has happened is a direct result of the decisions and choices we make. We can argue all nite about this for he will then tell me, if not becos of his so called 'giam chye miah' then why is it that the choices he makes usually turns out bad while the choices I make seem to work out for me.(so marrying me turned out bad for him oso????!!!) Kekeke. Which I will again say, it is also choice again. I choose to see the world as a glass half full whereas you choose to see it as half empty. My believes tell me that for every door that closes, another will open. His believes tells him that he is in this world becos of past live transgressions that he has to atone for(he owe me in his past life? Or is it I owe him? Looks like I owe him more hor). Haiyoh this can go on forever. But I sense a slight shift in his views lately cos he has been asking how does a RC or christian faith work.
At the end of the day, we have sooo much to be thankful for and we have enjoyed so much and can continue enjoying so much more. If only he can see it. -
It has been almost 6 months since I first wrote about dealing with DH's depression. About 2 months after writing that, things improved and DH seemed to have pulled himself out of that 'funk'.
Sadly though, since 2 weeks ago, I am seeing signs of him sinking into depression again. And again, it is due to his work. We had a talk just now and it did not go down too well. I told him I notice the signs and his reply was, oh so you also noticed. Told him yes, and I also notice that it seems to be happening at least once or twice a year since we first met. He denied, claiming that it was only the last 2 years. Did not want to argue with him on that. Decided to get straight to the point cos I can see that he was kinda spoiling for a fight and will take everything that I have to say negatively.
Basically told him to go seek counselling. Told him though I want to help but I have no idea how to help him. Moreover I am too close to the situation to be able to be objective. Though he may want to try to overcome this himself sometimes he will have to recognise that he cannot do it alone. He just clamped up and said ok.
Now I am
and 
Each time I see him struggling with his depression, it affects me as well. I get very stressed out and though I keep telling myself it is not something he wants, at times I cannot help but feel frustrated.
\"God grant me & DH the serenity to accept things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference.\" -
Funz:
... \"God grant me & DH the serenity to accept things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference.\"
And perhaps God has sent you as his angel to guide and comfort your DH in his time of need, regardless of whether he admits to the problem or not. Have patience, and just be there to listen. -
Hmm…I can only offer a bio tip on how to reduce depression.
Go GNC and buy Omega 3 pills for him to pop.
Fish fat is good to counteract depression feeling from the body.
It may not eliminate but it can help reduce.
However, long term consumption, it is quite hard to feel depressed.
Just something I personally find very good for my body because I hardly get depressed. But I eat fresh fish oil, it really helps. -
ChiefKiasu:
Thank you Chief. Yes, patience of a Saint is needed sometimes.Funz:
... \"God grant me & DH the serenity to accept things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference.\"
And perhaps God has sent you as his angel to guide and comfort your DH in his time of need, regardless of whether he admits to the problem or not. Have patience, and just be there to listen. -
ks2me:
Ummm....he has been on the Omega 3 pills since 3yrs ago when his detailed checkup showed a slightly raised cholesterol level.Hmm...I can only offer a bio tip on how to reduce depression.
Go GNC and buy Omega 3 pills for him to pop.
Fish fat is good to counteract depression feeling from the body.
It may not eliminate but it can help reduce.
However, long term consumption, it is quite hard to feel depressed.
Just something I personally find very good for my body because I hardly get depressed. But I eat fresh fish oil, it really helps.
:idea: maybe that is why he hasn't gone suicidal on me yet.
OK bad joke.
Thanks Ks2me for the suggestion. I also believe that fish oil helps in many ways, one of which is to improve focus and memory. -
Yes, my children also take fish oil everyday.
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