Managing an overachieving pre-schooler

[Red_Tiger]

Thanks very much Beatrice! Truly appreciate the advice. Will check out the book.


I guess I am not considering specific schools as yet partly because of costs, and partly because I don’t really see how sending him to certain schools will help ease him eventually into mainstream schools… I have heard of a lot of parents who send their children to enrichment classes only to have their children completely bored when they enter primary one.

[glass]

It is unfortunate that the term 'gifted' is misunderstood by many. Other parents get jealous if we feel our children are gifted. Some will think that every child is gifted in their own ways.


Gifted children's brains are just wired differently. They are able to make connections much faster and they are interested in a lot of things. They have special needs that most teachers are unable to cope with. Even a trained gifted teacher is unable to handle every gifted child as everyone is just different.

There is no real solution in Singapore. What you can do is to read up on how to manage your child's emotions. Check out http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/ on gifted children. They have lots of resources on how to handle gifted children and all their issues.

You might consider changing schools if he is unhappy.

[sharonkhoo]

Have you considered taking your child to a child psychologist for assessment? Not for IQ, although that will probably be included, but for other issues? You may want to do that and find out if there are more deep-seated issues.

[Han Seo]

slmkhoo:

Have you considered taking your child to a child psychologist for assessment? Not for IQ, although that will probably be included, but for other issues? You may want to do that and find out if there are more deep-seated issues.

I agree that you should send your child for an assessment as his behaviour is affecting his ability to function in school and at home.

[Han Seo]

slmkhoo:

Have you considered taking your child to a child psychologist for assessment? Not for IQ, although that will probably be included, but for other issues? You may want to do that and find out if there are more deep-seated issues.

I agree that you should send your child for an assessment as his behaviour is affecting his ability to function in school and at home.

[Red_Tiger]

Thanks both. I will consider psychological help eventually if really pushed. Just that for now, many around me do not support such a measure and still feel that it’s more of how I can personally guide and coach my son…


Also, there are many cases of misdiagnosis cited by people around me, when they bring their children for psychological advice…

[Han Seo]

From your post, it seems that your main concern is that your son cries when he can’t win. However, you also mentioned that he cried "at the thought of school". I am not too sure what this means. To get a more accurate picture, you may want to do some informal, objective observations of him in diverse situations, such as when he is playing with his friends, listening to stories and other social interactions in school (enlist the teacher’s help; preschool teachers are trained to do observations of children as part of their training). In these observations, you may want to observe:

i. his verbal and non-verbal interactions with peers. Is there any trigger? Is it something that his friends said or do that triggers the crying behaviour?
ii. when he cries, what are the reactions of those around him, including his peers and teachers? Did their response aggravate the behaviour?
iii What does he do when he cries? Does he talk about why he is crying? Does he respond when an adult talks reasonably to him?
iv. When does he cry? Only when there is competition and he loses? Or other situations as well?

His behaviour at home. Is it consistent with what was observed in school?

There are many reasons when a child cries incessantly. It can be getting attention, feeling insecure, a competitive nature etc. If you know the root cause, then you can plan strategies to target the root cause accordingly. Knowing the root cause comes from observing the child in diverse situations over a period of time and then analysing what you have observed. You have to give time for the strategies to work. If they don’t work after a reasonable period of time, then perhaps your initial guess is wrong and you have to start all over again. And if it is really hampering your child’s ability to function in school and at home, it is time to seek professional help. Yes, there can be misdiagnosis in some cases so I guess you have to weigh what the professional said with your own observations of your child.

[Red_Tiger]

Hi Han Seo,


Yes, I am more concerned about his desire to win as I feel this is a main contributing factor to his tendency to cry. But I am not at all sure that is the only reason why he is not settled well in school. When I say he cries at the thought of school, I mean he cries every morning when we tell him it’s time to go to school, or when we mention anything related to school (friends, teachers, play time etc) - only in the mornings though. Every night, when we try to talk to him about school, he will not cry and in fact positively assures us he will attend school the next morning.

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to get a good parent-teacher partnership going. Despite sharing my son’s situation before enrolling him in this school, the teachers did not wish to go the extra mile to settle him in as in they refuse me access to the classroom - this I understand. But whenever I ask about why he keeps crying, the teachers will just tell me that they feel I should be looking to whether teachings at home isn’t quite on the right path. This, I have also tried my best to monitor when I am home. We do try to bring up happy experiences in school with my son but he just refuses to discuss. We constantly adopt ways to teach him about winning/losing as part of life but it doesn’t work so well, or rather, we feel it is a long-drawn process to get him to see our point.

One thing though, he responds to our teachings at home, especially when we ask him not to cry after losing. However, this has to be done with patience and explanations. I am unsure whether the teachers have the same patience with him as I can understand it is indeed frustrating to deal with a constantly crying toddler when one has as least 10 to 14 others to see to.

In any case, I have decided to pull him out of school for now. He now refuses to even enter the classroom and I am not sure why this is happening after eight long months of trying to settle him. Nonetheless, I can’t deny the crying isn’t doing any good to him nor the teachers.

As shared, I will try the psychological help but perhaps not after giving one more school another try… You are right that I must first find out the root cause of the problem. But I can’t seem to get the answer despite all my attempts.

[Han Seo]

Is he able to tell you why he cries in school? I assume the crying is not just the initial separation anxiety but it happens throughout the time he is in school? 8 months is a long time to settle in.


Perhaps a change in school where the teachers are more sensitive to his needs can improve the situation but finding such a school is going to be tough, knowing the challenges that plague the preschool industry.

I have heard good review of Creative O preschoolers’ bay. The operator of the school has children’s interest at heart and she is also very well versed in child development. But I think the waiting list is pretty long.

All the best and let us know how your son is progressing.