All About Parenting Teenagers
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Thanks, Integer, simkhoo. It definitely is a self confidence issue. Her poor results fueled this. None of the siblings are in the normal stream. She is surrounded by high achieving siblings who put her down. Parents try but she rebuffs them and are rude. They speak a different love language from the one she wants to hear. Stick her with tuition to help her improve but ended up making her even more frustrated as she can’t sit still. As bystander, I see some of the issues but feel helpless because these are difficult conversations to have and the parents are no longer too receptive. This is because they have tried hard for more than 10 yrs, invested resources against a formula which worked for their other kids and saw no results. Sadly, they have kinda given up. They don’t understand this kid and she doesn’t want to conform. Grrr…I have been witnessing this spiral downwards and really fear for the child. But I am not her parent so hands are tied…
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TravelMummy:
Thanks, Integer, simkhoo. It definitely is a self confidence issue. Her poor results fueled this. None of the siblings are in the normal stream. She is surrounded by high achieving siblings who put her down. Parents try but she rebuffs them and are rude. They speak a different love language from the one she wants to hear. Stick her with tuition to help her improve but ended up making her even more frustrated as she can't sit still. As bystander, I see some of the issues but feel helpless because these are difficult conversations to have and the parents are no longer too receptive. This is because they have tried hard for more than 10 yrs, invested resources against a formula which worked for their other kids and saw no results. Sadly, they have kinda given up. They don't understand this kid and she doesn't want to conform. Grrr....I have been witnessing this spiral downwards and really fear for the child. But I am not her parent so hands are tied...
That's really hard to watch. Do they listen to the school counsellor? Would they listen to someone else? Are you close enough to the siblings that you could convince them that they should be more supporting and less destructive? Would they read a book about different learning styles, love languages etc? -
slmkhoo:
Thanks for your sharing, TravelMummy. I still see some hope here.. didn't her parents try hard in the past albeit a wrong approach for this girl? Her parents need someone authoritative to help them, and I recommend Dr Clare Ong Kwee Hiong in this case. She was a Senior Education Psychologist with MOE for many years and for years she has been running a private practice. Extremely experienced and very hard to get this old lady's service due to her schedule. She has rejected many cases, but I know she wouldn't reject a self-destruction case.TravelMummy:
Thanks, Integer, simkhoo. It definitely is a self confidence issue. Her poor results fueled this. None of the siblings are in the normal stream. She is surrounded by high achieving siblings who put her down. Parents try but she rebuffs them and are rude. They speak a different love language from the one she wants to hear. Stick her with tuition to help her improve but ended up making her even more frustrated as she can't sit still. As bystander, I see some of the issues but feel helpless because these are difficult conversations to have and the parents are no longer too receptive. This is because they have tried hard for more than 10 yrs, invested resources against a formula which worked for their other kids and saw no results. Sadly, they have kinda given up. They don't understand this kid and she doesn't want to conform. Grrr....I have been witnessing this spiral downwards and really fear for the child. But I am not her parent so hands are tied...
That's really hard to watch. Do they listen to the school counsellor? Would they listen to someone else? Are you close enough to the siblings that you could convince them that they should be more supporting and less destructive? Would they read a book about different learning styles, love languages etc? -
Thank you, Simkhoo, HappyBlueBear. I will google this lady, Claire, and recommend the parents see her with the girl. Everyone they have spoken to has a different opinion and all these changes are really hard to implement as behaviours have become a habit over time. Sibling behavior is hard to correct cos they are all young and they just revel in hurting each other. The more inferior the girl feels, the more she relies on brute strength to subdue her siblings. The more she does that, the more they taunt her. Plus both parents are working so they spend time with an indifferent maid. You should see some of the bruises they inflict on each other. Haiz…now both parents are in denial blaming each other for not doing more.
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TravelMummy:
Thank you, Simkhoo, HappyBlueBear. I will google this lady, Claire, and recommend the parents see her with the girl. Everyone they have spoken to has a different opinion and all these changes are really hard to implement as behaviours have become a habit over time. Sibling behavior is hard to correct cos they are all young and they just revel in hurting each other. The more inferior the girl feels, the more she relies on brute strength to subdue her siblings. The more she does that, the more they taunt her. Plus both parents are working so they spend time with an indifferent maid. You should see some of the bruises they inflict on each other. Haiz...now both parents are in denial blaming each other for not doing more.
Hi TravelMummy,
I was googling, and thought that this organisation may be able to help too:
Counselling & Care Centre
Blk 536 Upper Cross Street
#05-241 Hong Lim Complex
Singapore 050536
Tel: 65-65366366
http://www.counsel.org.sg/index.cfm?GPID=7
One of their main focus is Family Therapy. If you are interested, you can also read up about Virginia Satir. Psychologists and Therapists usually use her Satir Model to help their clients.
Jia you & all the best! -
HappyBlueBear:
TravelMummy:
Thank you, Simkhoo, HappyBlueBear. I will google this lady, Claire, and recommend the parents see her with the girl. Everyone they have spoken to has a different opinion and all these changes are really hard to implement as behaviours have become a habit over time. Sibling behavior is hard to correct cos they are all young and they just revel in hurting each other. The more inferior the girl feels, the more she relies on brute strength to subdue her siblings. The more she does that, the more they taunt her. Plus both parents are working so they spend time with an indifferent maid. You should see some of the bruises they inflict on each other. Haiz...now both parents are in denial blaming each other for not doing more.
Hi TravelMummy,
I was googling, and thought that this organisation may be able to help too:
Counselling & Care Centre
Blk 536 Upper Cross Street
#05-241 Hong Lim Complex
Singapore 050536
Tel: 65-65366366
http://www.counsel.org.sg/index.cfm?GPID=7
One of their main focus is Family Therapy. If you are interested, you can also read up about Virginia Satir. Psychologists and Therapists usually use her Satir Model to help their clients.
Jia you & all the best!
Thanks for sharing. :goodpost: :lovesite: -
TravelMummy:
Thank you, Simkhoo, HappyBlueBear. I will google this lady, Claire, and recommend the parents see her with the girl. Everyone they have spoken to has a different opinion and all these changes are really hard to implement as behaviours have become a habit over time. Sibling behavior is hard to correct cos they are all young and they just revel in hurting each other. The more inferior the girl feels, the more she relies on brute strength to subdue her siblings. The more she does that, the more they taunt her. Plus both parents are working so they spend time with an indifferent maid. You should see some of the bruises they inflict on each other. Haiz...now both parents are in denial blaming each other for not doing more.
This sounds really sad. It really has to begin with the parents. They have to set the tone for the family, and they have to be determined to change the destructive patterns in the family. Even if this lady is not free to see them, encourage them to find some other counsellor who can asap. The longer this goes on, the more entrenched it will get. I really feel for the girl - my older girl is also not an academic one, with the 'misfortune' of have parents and younger sister who have always done well academically. It's been one of our challenges not to make academic success the main way we measure success in the family, and not to let the younger one feel superior just because she is on the other end of the spectrum academically (and in many other ways too). It is tough to watch what we do and say all the time, and change our perspectives on what success means, but it can be done. I hope the parents will listen to your advice. All the best. -
Thank you all, for your advice and help. I will press on and do what i can and pray hard that things will work out for her in the end. Her case is heartbreaking to watch. Those poor slashed arms are just so wrong. Thanks for all your sharing again.
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I need help. My son changed a lot this year when he started his Sec 2.
He goes for branded shoes, clothings, dedorant etc. I only bought some of the things for him and told him it’s considered as birthday gift and he needs to take care and use till Sec 4.
He agreed. However, his promise is just say say only and it became lies and lies. He would tell me he is going out with friends to study. I doubt that but can’t really check on him as I’m working. I also worried if I stopped him from going out with friends, the more he would not tell me anything.
I found out that he also had been taking money from my bag without asking. When I asked him, he denied without changing colour. He claimed he didn’t have enough money to spend and he likes to eat. However, the amount of pocket money is based on his own request and it’s agreed upon that he could keep the extra if he did not spend all. So, apparently the money is not enough as he likes to go out with friends and spend without control and management.
He is always on the phone watching either the Japanese comics or the commentary on the game. He told me not to interfere with his school and he would show me good result. However, the result is no good, yet he would compare with those that are not doing well and claimed that he is good.
This year is streaming and I’m worried. But it’s too late as tomorrow would be the last paper. Other than his result, I’m not worried about his character, telling lies, stealing, going for branded etc etc.
I’m at a lost of what to do. If parents have any similar encounter, please advise. Thanks a lot! -
abc8xyz:
let the father settle the stealing part make sure he enforce the importance of honesty, academics also tell him the importance of Os lor, and the branded stuff must be the group of friends he is mixing with, dont stop or prevent him from going or mixing with his group of friends NEVER do that he will only hate you more. may be you should increase the pocket money abit and ask him to do chores at home and let him earn a little more money from doing the chores, tho you should let the chores be optional also. anws im sec 4 this yr and know all about the branded items obsession and guilty as i am i have stolen in pri 4 b4 and got wacked. never done it after and treat and talk to your boy nicely and tell him nicely also if he is being rude back. lead by example and not forceI need help. My son changed a lot this year when he started his Sec 2.
He goes for branded shoes, clothings, dedorant etc. I only bought some of the things for him and told him it's considered as birthday gift and he needs to take care and use till Sec 4.
He agreed. However, his promise is just say say only and it became lies and lies. He would tell me he is going out with friends to study. I doubt that but can't really check on him as I'm working. I also worried if I stopped him from going out with friends, the more he would not tell me anything.
I found out that he also had been taking money from my bag without asking. When I asked him, he denied without changing colour. He claimed he didn't have enough money to spend and he likes to eat. However, the amount of pocket money is based on his own request and it's agreed upon that he could keep the extra if he did not spend all. So, apparently the money is not enough as he likes to go out with friends and spend without control and management.
He is always on the phone watching either the Japanese comics or the commentary on the game. He told me not to interfere with his school and he would show me good result. However, the result is no good, yet he would compare with those that are not doing well and claimed that he is good.
This year is streaming and I'm worried. But it's too late as tomorrow would be the last paper. Other than his result, I'm not worried about his character, telling lies, stealing, going for branded etc etc.
I'm at a lost of what to do. If parents have any similar encounter, please advise. Thanks a lot!
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