SAHP or working is better?
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I was a FTWM until few months ago when there was a restructuring in my company. Since then, I have been a SAHM. My son who is now in P4 used to be closer to his father who has a job that has better work life balance than mine did. I had great family support with my mum helping me with DS.
Since stopping work, DS spends more time with me at home. The bond is reinstated and although I still scream at him for not doing his homework or this or that, DS is definitely closer to me. I value the time I have with him and to talk to him about anything he wants to discuss. I recall being impatient with him when I was working last time.
DS seems to be doing well in school and has loads of activities that he can now participate in since I can be there to pick him up or drop him off as and when required compared to last time when we have to worry about logistics and transport.
Even DH can see the difference in the family dynamics and has given me the "permission" to stay home longer. (Permission since he is now the sole breadwinner) When I jokingly told DS that I am going back to work soon, he told me not to. That made my day to know that my son wants me around.
Although there have been offers to go back to work, I have not accepted. Even though there will always be the insecurity about not having an income and also the days when you wonder if the opportunity cost is too high, I think I have made up my mind to stay at home as long as it makes sense for the family.
For those who are contemplating to switch from FTWM to SAHM, I advocate SAHM if family finances permits. The time to build the bond when the kids are young is precious and short. Hopefully, this will help them to become good, sensible adults when they grow up. -
ksme:
........... When I jokingly told DS that I am going back to work soon, he told me not to. That made my day to know that my son wants me around............
As a FTWP, I seldom have time alone with either 1 of my 2 boys. Anyhow, during the last festive season break, I have an extra day off from work, hence decided to spend a half day purely with DS1 who is in P2, as I dun have a chance with him alone. :oops: Normally, life always occupied with 2 DS..... So we spent a \"fun filled\" morning before sending him to school. YES, indeed \"Fun filled\"!! :evil: After breakfast, we spent a full 1 1/2 hour doing on line assesments. He was HELP!! :!: After that, I asked him would he prefer me to staying at home or he prefer to be in student care centre? His answer was the latter cos he said I got myself so busy in teaching him, ironing clothing and preparing lunch. Think he can't stand with me around asking him to do so much, that's y he prefer to to be in student care centre....
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toddles:
If a parent is \"not suitable\" to spend alot of time with their child, then how are they even suitable to be a parent in the first place?
However there are some SAHP that really are not suited and end up frustrating themselves and their kids. In the long run, also their relationship with their kids suffers cos of the constant 'power struggle'.
People are not born parents, they become parents.
I know of a young couple, who TOTALLY abandoned their child to the grandparents and maid....and now, they claim they're \"simply not good with kids\". Duh.
The more time one spends with his/her child, the better parent he/she will become. -
skunk:
I agree. Must say I do not have the qualities to be a good parent, like patience etc. But I try, and learn along the way. It may be tough but it's an enjoyable journey. And i think that's how parenting should be - a shared journey with our spouse and children
If a parent is \"not suitable\" to spend alot of time with their child, then how are they even suitable to be a parent in the first place?toddles:
However there are some SAHP that really are not suited and end up frustrating themselves and their kids. In the long run, also their relationship with their kids suffers cos of the constant 'power struggle'.
People are not born parents, they become parents.
I know of a young couple, who TOTALLY abandoned their child to the grandparents and maid....and now, they claim they're \"simply not good with kids\". Duh.
The more time one spends with his/her child, the better parent he/she will become.
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skunk:
agreed, esp the last statement! i have a theory that children with a parent at home stays grounded, grows up adopting the beliefs and values of the parents, not to mention being closer to them. not to say FTWP can't achieve that but it probably takes more effort on the part of the WP eg. making up for the lost time on weekends, holidays. Parents need to take a real, keen interest in the lives of their children from the start (not when problems start appearing) n to achieve that - u can't run away from spending time together.
If a parent is \"not suitable\" to spend alot of time with their child, then how are they even suitable to be a parent in the first place?
People are not born parents, they become parents.
I know of a young couple, who TOTALLY abandoned their child to the grandparents and maid....and now, they claim they're \"simply not good with kids\". Duh.
The more time one spends with his/her child, the better parent he/she will become. -
Ironically, it’s those FTWP who made the wonderful decision to become SAHP, that will face this prob.
After a few days of full interaction with their own children, they might decide they’re better off working, since "they ain’t cut out to be SAHP"…it’s just the transitional period!!
There’s a difference interacting with them almost the whole day, and "2 or 3 hours of quality time after work". Like i said earlier, there’s no such thing as "quality time". U can’t have quality without quantity, when it comes to spending time with your own kids. -
skunk:
Maybe what I meant is to share my observations from people I know.
If a parent is \"not suitable\" to spend alot of time with their child, then how are they even suitable to be a parent in the first place?toddles:
However there are some SAHP that really are not suited and end up frustrating themselves and their kids. In the long run, also their relationship with their kids suffers cos of the constant 'power struggle'.
People are not born parents, they become parents.
I know of a young couple, who TOTALLY abandoned their child to the grandparents and maid....and now, they claim they're \"simply not good with kids\". Duh.
The more time one spends with his/her child, the better parent he/she will become.
Sometimes people think that when they stay home they will become very close to their kids, when they grow up they will enjoy going spa together etc. One friend I have said that she felt that she would have had a better relationship with her mum if she hadn't homeschooled her till her teens. Perhaps the role of teacher and mum strained relations (we all know how it's harder to teach your own child).
Another SAHM I know doesn't have a close relationship with her grown-up child as well, whilst some FTWM have much closer relationships with their children, simply because they have more balanced views that come from being more in touch with the working world and being less 'control freakish' (instead of having their lives centre mainly around the children and tending to 'cramp their space').
maybe these are the exceptions. but i can see how it came to be, and how it could happen to others.
Overall, I would agree that these days most people tend to err on the side of neglect of their children rather than stifling them with attention. -
foreverj:
I third that, after mummy of 2's response
agreed, esp the last statement! i have a theory that children with a parent at home stays grounded, grows up adopting the beliefs and values of the parents, not to mention being closer to them. not to say FTWP can't achieve that but it probably takes more effort on the part of the WP eg. making up for the lost time on weekends, holidays. Parents need to take a real, keen interest in the lives of their children from the start (not when problems start appearing) n to achieve that - u can't run away from spending time together.skunk:
If a parent is \"not suitable\" to spend alot of time with their child, then how are they even suitable to be a parent in the first place?
People are not born parents, they become parents.
I know of a young couple, who TOTALLY abandoned their child to the grandparents and maid....and now, they claim they're \"simply not good with kids\". Duh.
The more time one spends with his/her child, the better parent he/she will become.
Highlighted statements affirm my beliefs
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Luvkid:
hi luvkid, i believe the mundanity of doing all these - coaching, ironing , cooking - will no doubt get to the SAHP once in a while. in fact, as the kid gets older, he/she may even loathe the physical presence of the parent cos constantly got someone at his/ger back to \"guan3\" mah. more impt is whether the kid benefits in the long run in terms of growing up with the right values and someone paying attention to the school work and keeping the kid mixing with the right company of friends.
As a FTWP, I seldom have time alone with either 1 of my 2 boys. Anyhow, during the last festive season break, I have an extra day off from work, hence decided to spend a half day purely with DS1 who is in P2, as I dun have a chance with him alone. :oops: Normally, life always occupied with 2 DS..... So we spent a \"fun filled\" morning before sending him to school. YES, indeed \"Fun filled\"!! :evil: After breakfast, we spent a full 1 1/2 hour doing on line assesments. He was HELP!! :!: After that, I asked him would he prefer me to staying at home or he prefer to be in student care centre? His answer was the latter cos he said I got myself so busy in teaching him, ironing clothing and preparing lunch. Think he can't stand with me around asking him to do so much, that's y he prefer to to be in student care centre.... -
skunk:
I completely agree cos I went through this. Fortunately, I think I've found the right balance now. When the kid is in school, I can focus on something else. When he's back, I have so much more energy and am in a better mood to handle the usual kiddy angst and just chill together.Ironically, it's those FTWP who made the wonderful decision to become SAHP, that will face this prob.
After a few days of full interaction with their own children, they might decide they're better off working, since \"they ain't cut out to be SAHP\"....it's just the transitional period!!
There's a difference interacting with them almost the whole day, and \"2 or 3 hours of quality time after work\". Like i said earlier, there's no such thing as \"quality time\". U can't have quality without quantity, when it comes to spending time with your own kids.
And yes, I thoroughly believe in \"time\", not quality time. Up to when my son turn 5, I was working and flying around so much, I barely had time to read to him. Now I can safely say our relationship is so much closer, and there's nothing in the world I will exchange that for. :love:
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