Difficult Relationship with Parents
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mummy of 2:
I think I understand exactly how you feel - I'm in a very similar situation :roll: Visiting them now has merely been reduced to an obligation on the part of the children to their parents, there's that. However, instead of going to the kitchen, she will start rattling off - from complaining about my dad, to my other siblings and even my neighbours! (really not sure what they have done to incur her wrath). So each time after meal, we will sit in the living room feeling really uncomfortable coz we know what's coming next...so to avoid it, we will give some excuse to say we're busy and take our leave. I somehow felt guilty coz we only visit them like once a wk or sometimes once every 2 wks and yet we seem to be there only for a mealI tried asking them to stop when I saw how scared Ds1 was. But they could not hear me due to their own shouting. DH had to shout louder than them to get them to stop :!:
I told them I do not want my kids to be exposed to such situation, and am prepared to stop visiting them if this persist. It still happens but thankfully very rare. I also make it a point not to go too early - just in tme for dinner. After dinner she will disappear to the kitchen instead of spending time with me, my sis and our children. By the time she appears in the living room, we are almost ready to leave.
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Haiz, she will complain if we miss our visit. Then when we come over, aft the preliminary hellos and hugs, she will then either gossip with me or continue watching tv.
And if we ask her to come on down and visit her grandson, she will say that her knees are troubling her. But she meets up with her frds at least 3 times a week. Well, whatever that makes her happy …
Although DS is 2 and a half, he is able to discern the differences in behaviour bet his two grandmas. My MIL will drop everything and attend to him. If she can’t, she will give strict instructions to my FIL to do so.
Sometimes I think maybe its because DS is IL’s first grandchild. For my mom, its her 9th …
But then again, she was like that to all her grandkids and kids. I think she is not that maternal a person, and I do believe that it has something to do with the era and family background that she grew up in/comes from.
I shd state here that my mom lives alone (she chooses to) and that my dad has passed on … in case any of you are wondering. -
lovekidsverymuch:
No, not even with the kids. Sometimes she still ask me their age, to confirm.mummy of 2:
I have no idea too. Considering that we only visit fortnightly, you would think she wants to spend more time with us...well, not her :shock:
Not even with the kids leh?? :? -
Yes, the visits are nothing more than an obligation. I’m more than happy to tell her I can’t make it, if there’s any plausible excuse. Bad daughter but I really can’t help it.
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Well, I don’t think I’ll vote cos my relationship with my dad is very good. It’s more my mum…
I also dunno why it’s like that. I feel sad for her cos she sacrificed her career to look after me and the home, and then this is what she gets. And she’s always been warm and supportive towards my studies, never pressurising, not overprotective etc.
but in recent years (actually it’s been about 10 years) she has changed.
She’s very negative towards my dad, though she always sees herself as the victim.
then when I side my dad (because he’s right) she gets mad, so I’ve stopped trying to take sides, even though one side is obviously right and one side is 无理取闹. But my mum genuinely believes she is right, so there’s a huge impasse there. So when she starts I tell her to stop, I don’t wanna hear.
So bad hor? as a daughter.
The only silver lining is after my daughter was born is that my mum became more focused on caring for her, and less focused on negative thoughts.
But when I was sahm she really drove me up the wall. Cos she’s come over to help. I would need her help (so i can go toilet, prepare dd’s food when she was less than a yr old and needed constant supervision, etc) but would really resent the interference that came along with it. She had set ideas on how to bring up a baby which were outdated and sometimes she’d do things behind my back and then I’d scream at her when I found out…
So now that I have gone back to work, I still see her at least 3 times a week cos she helps look after DD, but it’s a bit better.
I guess in such situations absence really helps in reducing friction. -
lovekidsverymuch:
Thats why I concluded that she is not that maternal a person :D, cuz it hasn't made any difference.autumnbronze:
Sometimes I think maybe its because DS is IL's first grandchild. For my mom, its her 9th ...
But then, as I gathered from elsewhere u really had problems having ur DS and she should be more than happy with him
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mummy of 2:
Yes, the visits are nothing more than an obligation. I'm more than happy to tell her I can't make it, if there's any plausible excuse. Bad daughter but I really can't help it.
Hi, mummy of 2 - may I asked if you have siblings and if you do, what is their relationship with your mum? If its not convenient to mention, its ok...
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Well, my mother has always been like that but she's become more stubborn this few years, after getting to know some auntie downstairs. She prefers to listen to that auntie rather than her own daughters, when we try to reason with her.
When I was growing up, my parents always quarrelled. She's living with my brother, and i really sympathise with him. There's conflict between almost everybody in that family - my father and my mother, my mother and my SIL, my brother and my SIl. So there's always some quarrel/cold war going on. Exhausting to live in such a family. I would go :frustrated: -
sakura_2009:
My sis used to be the favoured daughter, but after she started trying to speak up for my father, my mother is very angry with ehr, and always complaining about her to me. So I imagine she mst hv compplained abt me to my sis before.mummy of 2:
Yes, the visits are nothing more than an obligation. I'm more than happy to tell her I can't make it, if there's any plausible excuse. Bad daughter but I really can't help it.
Hi, mummy of 2 - may I asked if you have siblings and if you do, what is their relationship with your mum? If its not convenient to mention, its ok...
My bro has no choice but to live with her, as she's the traditional thinking type, must live with son, and he is, needless to say, her favourite child. My siblings are much older than me, and when I was young, my brother used to bully me by making me run errands for him. I feel that my mother has actually done him a disservice by over-pampering him. -
mummy of 2:
Wah! That's kinda 'xiong' for your brother & SIL...Well, my mother has always been like that but she's become more stubborn this few years, after getting to know some auntie downstairs. She prefers to listen to that auntie rather than her own daughters, when we try to reason with her.
When I was growing up, my parents always quarrelled. She's living with my brother, and i really sympathise with him. There's conflict between almost everybody in that family - my father and my mother, my mother and my SIL, my brother and my SIl. So there's always some quarrel/cold war going on. Exhausting to live in such a family. I would go :frustrated:
My mum lives with my dad, and well, my brother (who has always been my mum's favourite by the way) has told me and my sister that there is no way my mum is going to stay with him and my SIL. He said he doesn't want to go :frustrated:
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