Advice - Divorce or Not to Divorce

[winth]

Hi sleepylula,


Do you still love him (at all)?
Seriously, I don’t think divorce should even come in.

In-laws, beat it, can settle. Refer to other thread.
Too much traveling, I agree, but you should always ‘troubleshoot’ first level on your side with him by talking it through with him and telling him to change a job or cut down on traveling.

[autumnbronze]

Funz:

sleepylula:

Any advice?

The example you have given is something that most married couples will experience. I also understand what you mean about having to change mode when DH is around and not around. And sometimes I feel that when he is around, aside from just having to handle the kids, I have to cater to him as well.

Hi sleepylula,

I agree with Funz 101%.

If you don't mind me saying, you are truly an exception to have 'survived' your parents' divorce. You can't expect your kids to be like you. Everyone is an individual. Also, you must take into consideration with regards to their r/s with their father. I think its wrong to deprive your kids of his love because you cannot accept some of his ways.

I am not sure if you are a SAHM, but just to let you know that I am. So when DH is at work, I am my own mistress, when he returns in the evenings or during the weekends, I have to adjust my status and 'consider' his opinions. I use the word 'consider' cuz I have come to realize that he is just being practical, and in his own way, helpful, though it may not seem to me at the beginning. Yes, there are times that he may come across as an MCP because he wants things done in a certain way, but there's always some form of compromise out there in the horizon and he also tends to have a logical reason behind his 'wants'. This is what 11 yrs of marriage has done to me. I am my own person, but at the same time, I have learnt to adjust, compromise and accept in my r/s with my husband. I also think this onus tends to fall alot more in a SAHM. But its a small 'price' to pay, I feel, when he is working hard to bring the bread home and make life comfortable for us.

This is just my own humble opinion

[Alison]

I feel that if a couple no longer have the means to communicate and are not sharing the same room, have no trust with each other anymore, then I would choose to go for divorce. But there again, if it involves children, then we have to think of the children lest they will get hurt and affect their self esteem.

winth:

Are you against divorce?

If a couple no longer have feelings for each other, no intimacy, quarrels, what is your advice? What do you base on when you advise?

If a couple plus husband got affair, do you advise divorce? What do you base on when you advise?

Will there be happiness after divorce? I mean is it better to stay married, with no feelings or better to have a clean break up? Anyone who is able to provide more insight into this?

We need help here. Fyi, it's not us lar... Don't do wild guessing.
But we seriously need advice and help here. DH will sure ask me for my advice soon, moving forward, we need to face this issue and we don't know how to help them.

If you are not comfortable sharing, it's really okay. No obligations.

[fussyMummy]

Hi Sleepylula,


Sorry for my previous post for too blunt... :nunchuk: myself...

interpersonal relationships always has some problem in between, regardless with In laws, partner, friends or colleagues.... and some of the time you can choose to ignore or .. I am still learning to have better interpersonal skill... haha..

Treasure what you have ... and continue to create happiness for your partner, kids and yourself...

You can do it... and wish you have a blissful family life... everyday...

[hihimummy]

Today some thing happened that made me consider the D word very seriously.


He is driving me to work as it is raining heavily. That is suppose to be a good thing, right? But he was cursing and swearing using words like Fker, m**** fker, ah**, bloo** on and on on the drivers on the road. Finally after the 10 th time, I said to him how many times do you want to say such words? Then he start to call me names such as j* b*, Cj b*, p* K* C* J* B* and other vulgar words and say that I should use my brains before I speak and I have low EQ. Finally just as we are at the exit of my work place, he says "make me angry right, I am turning back to (his work place)" and go ahead and do so. I took the chance when he was making a U-turn to get out of the car and walk in the rain to work.

It is not the first time or the even the 10th times in our 8 years of "marriage" I wanted to divorce him before a few years ago when I caught him cheating on me, but he beg me to stay and I gave in because of my son. and because he can be extremely nice most of the times.

Is it my fault, like he say what happened in the morning, that he is helping yet I say things to piss him off? Don’t I have the right to tell him that his cursing is affecting me? He has a good relationship with my son and I am sure most of the people who know us superficially think that he is a good husband and father.

He comes home late in the night 12 -4 or even 5 am in the morning at times more than half the time, smokes at home. And I will never know when is the next time he is going to blow and start abusing me verbally like that. When my son is about 2 years old, something similar happened during our way to the zoo and he lock me out of the car with all my belongings and our son in the car and threatened to drive off. Once on our way to dinner, he threatened to drive off without me and my child at a area again when my belongings are in his car. And he act like it is my fault.

Sorry for the long post…just really need to vent my emotions today

[tankee]

He is seriously in need of anger management.


It is not right of him to vent his anger on you.

[hihimummy]

yeah... really wish I can run far far away from him and never have to see him again...

[3Boys]

sleepylula:

Hi all,


I come from a broken family. My parent divorced when I was 5yrs old.

I often heard or read abt how couple should try to stay in marriage or salvage their marriage for the sake of their children. I have 2 kids age 7 and 4. And I am thinking of \"D\".

My case is my husband travels very often. So often that now i got used to being alone with the kids. When he's home I find that I have to re-adjust my life again and when he travels i have to be go back to my \"macho-one-woman-show\" life.

A part from that, recently i found that I have problem communicating wt him. He has become very MCP. Little little things i have to ask him and justify my case to him before he agrees. For e.g, little things like getting a new curtain. He preferred those black out type cos he too used to staying in hotels. I preferred easy maintainance. Cos I am those lazy type that will not deligently take down the curtain and bring it for laundry services. And after a week or two go back for collection. So I have to reason with him before he gives in. Talking to him becomes very tiring.

The fact that I am the one managing the housewhole yet I have to justify and convince him why I prefer this and that and so on. Imagine if I got those black out curtains, so who will be the one travelling to and fro the laudry service when he's always not at home???!!

As I come from a broken family, i seriously do not know what are the negative impacts that will cause to the children. One thing for sure, I always find that I am more independent and mature than my peers during my growing up time.

Any advice?

Seems a trivial reason to look for a divorce. Deny your kids a father on the basis of black-out curtains?

[hihimummy]

lovekidsverymuch:

hihimummy:

yeah... really wish I can run far far away from him and never have to see him again...

hihimummy dont get disheartened can you ask him to see some doctor? please dont take any rash decisions....

I don't think he will... we hv been to conselling before... but he claim he is a better consellor than both the consellors we saw and did not want to go again...

[jogan]

there is always a believe that history will repeat itself like whatever your parents have gone through, you will experience it.


I DO NOT believe that. My believes are dont let it happen so that we can break the curse. Would we like our children to face the same problem? If no, then dont let it happen. Let us be the model to get it right. Children learn from parents. I guess every couples will face the same issue... that is lack of communication.

My believes again.... Lack of communication will break the relationship. I have ever gone through the life of frustration and there we go without much 'catch up' with each other. Seriously talk and share your feeling like how we had ever have 'courtship' before.

Hope that helps!