All About Autism

[Autumnleaf]

Agree definitely need a lot of patience. Guess because my son hadn’t been diagnosed yet so intend to see it as him being disobedient… But then there’s that small voice in me that wonders is it due to Adhd or ASD… Or some condition that caused him to require so much more supervision, guidance and correction then other kids? On the whole he i know he is compliant, as in he will do what is requested of him… But to stay on task independently, even at almost 10 yrs old is really difficult. Or to stop his compulsions to act before thinking is challenging. I do wonder if we didn’t cane, would he be any worse and often question am

I doing things right…

More damaging are the things I have said out of anger. It’s even worse then the caning…
I tear each time I think of it…

[sharonkhoo]

Autumnleaf:

Agree definitely need a lot of patience. Guess because my son hadn't been diagnosed yet so intend to see it as him being disobedient... But then there's that small voice in me that wonders is it due to Adhd or ASD... Or some condition that caused him to require so much more supervision, guidance and correction then other kids? On the whole he i know he is compliant, as in he will do what is requested of him... But to stay on task independently, even at almost 10 yrs old is really difficult. Or to stop his compulsions to act before thinking is challenging. I do wonder if we didn't cane, would he be any worse and often question am

I doing things right...

More damaging are the things I have said out of anger. It's even worse then the caning...
I tear each time I think of it...

I empathise with you. If you need a diagnosis to confirm what you believe, then try to get one. For myself, I self-diagnosed my child in the early years (around 7yo) because I read up a lot and it seemed unmistakeable, and we worked with her on that assumption over the years. When we finally brought her for a formal diagnosis at 14yo, what I had long-suspected was confirmed.

As I said previously, your kid sounds like mine - poor executive function and easily distracted. We scolded a lot initially and it didn't work as it was negative - telling her what we didn't want her to do. What did work was positive instruction - showing what we wanted her to do, and doing it with her until it became a habit and she could do it herself. She is still weaker in those areas than her younger sister, and always will be, but is much better than before. We have accepted it as a weakness that is inborn. I used to remind myself: would I expect a one-legged child to sprint 100m as fast as those with 2 legs? Her disabilities are no less real, just not physical.

[tyeogh]

Waa…what have we here?


Caning is always going to be controversial. Every parent should do what works best for her child. I wrote to assure Autumnleaf.

For me, my bible recommends it. My ex-PM recommends it. There is some wisdom in it. So I adopt it.

Heres what happened to my aspie boy 2 weeks ago. He eats unpolished rice (brown) and for years refused to eat white rice. One day before we went cycling, I told him we are eating dinner outside and I can’t find brown rice. He has to agree to eat white rice else we are not going. He agreed unwillingly.

After cycling, we went to eat chicken rice. I was hoping the dark sauce will convince him it is brown rice. He refused to eat. I reminded him of his agreement and threatened to cane him. Then he said he will eat. But when my helper tried to feed him, he refused. I haggled with him back and forth a few times. I made sure he understood my instructions and the consequences. Then I went in for the "kill".

I carried him to the car with him screaming, kicking and shouting "I don’t want caning!!". Half the restaurant patrons glared at me like I am some child abuser. In the car, I gave him 15 of my best. My wife supported me. In the end, he ate white rice.

The next few days he asked for his brown rice. I refused and waved the cane at him. He gave in and ate white rice. One week later, he never asked for brown rice. Said "white rice nice!".

The thing is this. With a special child, I am very careful to size up the situation. Can he be corrected? Will he learn anything?

Was it compulsive behaviour that night? Probably. Was caning warranted. Yes, imho.

Suppose I did not stand my ground, he will be on brown rice till P1 and crash at school. The caning augmented his habit in one week what might take years to persuade him to do. There was learning. The child benefited. I took a chance and was rewarded.

I can’t recall a strictly compulsive behaviour situation like a meltdown because he didn’t have one for some time. He does whine and tantrums mildly nowadays. When he does, I wave the cane at him and he stops. I probably corrected his meltdown with the cane back at a time he understood pain.

Caning does not mean "I do not love him" or I "did not try my best to be patient" as some parents mentioned. 99% of the time, I do not do it out of anger or frustration. Rather, it was an opportunity to correct.

I can understand the "caning a short sighted boy" analogy. What I question is a child scuttling between normal and short sight, and out of habit, lean towards depending on his spectacles unwittingly.

My personal experience is that a meltdown is more of a habit than a disorder. When unchecked at an early age becomes uncontrollable at a later age. Isn’t this the concept of early intervention? I tell my wife he cannot win me. If he does, he is done for. I lost my use as his father. Its just my opinion and may not apply to all, so please don’t shoot me, hor.

Needless to say, I will never be able to correct the inability to socialize with a cane lah. (Hmmmm…?)

What I am saying is not all situation is an obvious "short sighted" case. I will be lacking on my part to just assume they are.

It is more of a father’s job to cane. Women being more emotional think it is harsh. Or if they hit, its like a tap. I can understand it. My wife complained I hit too hard that night. Most here are women so I do not expect you to agree with my methods. Like I wrote earlier, you should do what works for your child. I cane when I thought needed, got my results and I am happy.

[tyeogh]

Autumnleaf:

More damaging are the things I have said out of anger. It's even worse then the caning...
I tear each time I think of it...

The first time I really whacked my kids, not tap lightly, I went to a corner to cry. Me who was caned heavily, detest it and now I advocate it. I asked the good Lord why are we created such and why his bible has no other solutions like talk nicely to them.

After 4 kids, I sort of understand the reason. Try not to think of it as cruel. Cruel is when you pass up an opportunity to teach. Thats cruelty. And it will hit you back years later when he becomes a man. Boys are created tougher, more pugnacious. Ask your hubby (Or just look at him to understand why. Haha!). Girls are easier to handle.

You are a good parent when you take effort to correct your child. That mom that spends all her time playing mahjong, thats a bad mom.

[Snow24]

Hi


For high Functioning ASD child is it true that the child will not have language delayed?

Anyone went thru the ASD tests what are the names of the tests? Is it a universal standard tests or are there diferent types of ASD tests?

[phtthp]

How do you define a high functioning or a low functioning child ?

[Autumnleaf]

Tyeogh, I totally agree with you on the caning and correcting part. My son is compulsive and impulsive, but by an large he will comply to our instructions as he knows what is expected. Hb has reassured me if I didn’t cane, our kid would be wild! Actually I agree to this too. Just looking at kids now a days… Cane a bit, ppl say abuse la etc… I find even teachers are not able to control the kids now because of this.


"My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights. (‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭11-12‬ ESV)" this verse is something I hang on to… But I hope I also am not over doing it… Also scary when my canings don’t seem to work, I fear my son is a fool.

Well… I will cling to the promise from my Lord… And keep fighting with prayers too. Really tough to be a parent.

[Autumnleaf]

Oh ya, Tyeogh! How old is your son?


I’ve also another question for Slmkhoo and other parents with children with Aspergers or high functioning ASD. Do all your children have routines or rituals? My son doesn’t have this aspect of the Autism traits which is why I am not sure if he will be assessed as being under the spectrum.

[tyeogh]

Autumnleaf,

My son is 5 years 1 month. Good to know you are a christian. Easier to talk bible. LoL.

Here is the verse.

Proverbs 13:24 AMP
He who spares his rod [of discipline] hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines diligently and punishes him early.

Tell your hubby not to siam.....its his job to cane. He, not She who spares his rod...... LoL

[sharonkhoo]

Autumnleaf:

Oh ya, Tyeogh! How old is your son?


I've also another question for Slmkhoo and other parents with children with Aspergers or high functioning ASD. Do all your children have routines or rituals? My son doesn't have this aspect of the Autism traits which is why I am not sure if he will be assessed as being under the spectrum.

Mine doesn't have any obvious ones, but she is a creature of habit and routine. We have a very organised household with structure, routine and timetables because of me! As a SAHM with no home help, I find it easier to manage if there are routines which everyone knows and follows. So my kids were trained from a very young age to do certain things at certain times, and in a certain sequence without my having to constantly nag. Eg. all toys to be picked up before nap and bedtime, wash hands before meals, pack bags after finishing homework, inform mummy when you take the last xxx from the cupboard etc. She used to get quite upset when routines were upset, so we had to intentionally vary the routines occasionally to teach her to cope with variation. Even now, we find that she shows signs of stress when things change at the last minute, so we try to warn her of changes ahead of time if we can. We can't control other people's last minute changes, so she just has to deal with that.