My son says i dont love him
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tankee:
perhaps have some 1-to-1 bonding time?
yes, will try on this. but what to say to him huh? cos 10yo can be quite shy outside (cannot kiss or hug kind). how to have good quality bonding time?? -
jedamum:
whenever he is moody (or when i scolded ds1 for fault that was clearly his :roll: ), ds1 likes to use emotional blackmail and used to say i love ds2 more than him - i told him that i don't want to hear him saying it cos it is totally untrue. ....
on the Emotional Blackmail part, i also thought he use it on me...however, i also must be aware that it could be his 'real need' too. -
KoalaMummy:
play 2-player game (computer or board game etc) together...tankee:
perhaps have some 1-to-1 bonding time?
yes, will try on this. but what to say to him huh? cos 10yo can be quite shy outside (cannot kiss or hug kind). how to have good quality bonding time??
ice cream treat etc.
movie popcorn treat etc. -
Sad to say that…
My son also ever ask my helper "Why do Mummy & Daddy always scold me?? Is it they don’t love me??"
Wow, I cried when my helper told me this.
So when I think back, YES, we always will neglect the older child… thinking that they are old enough to handle on their own.
The next day, I sit down and have a good talk with my son. And now, my husband and me will be more careful in handling him too. -
KoalaMummy:
do some activities that your DS likes; just with him.
yes, will try on this. but what to say to him huh? cos 10yo can be quite shy outside (cannot kiss or hug kind). how to have good quality bonding time??
if he likes ice-cream, bring him to an ice-cream outlet ... and then tell him about all the exictment and anxiety when you were expecting him, and the joy when he was borned, and some of the fun & proud time that you had when he was a toddler ... -
KoalaMummy:
last night, my 10yo ds says i don't love him. says i love his 2 younger siblings but not him. i'm so sad. how can i show him i love him, he being my first-born son. :heartbroken:
When DS1 says that, (eg after scolding him), I would tell him straight that if I dun love him, I would not care what happens to him, and whether he want me to show him that.
I make it a point to hold his hands sometimes and talk to him, and tell him that I enjoy being with him ONLY - eg when bringing him to class. He likes having that one on one time with me.
From time to time, I will tell him stories about when he was a baby, and how cute he was; and how special he was (and still is). -
KoalaMummy:
, my 10yo ds says i don't love him. says i love his 2 younger siblings but not him. i'm so sad. how can i show him i love him, he being my first-born son.
My dd says that often too. I think it's a common sibling rivalry kind of feeling. Doesn't help when her younger sister is the more obedient and hardworking one among the two. She does get her priviledges for being the elder child eg. later bedtime, ice cream treats. However, she still insists I love her younger sister more.
I know she likes honeyed words so I make sure I sweet talk her often to soothe her insecurities. Although it can be rather trying at times when she drives me up the wall. How to sweet talk her when I'm hopping mad? A little displease in my tone of voice would trigger her tantrum and fiery remark. More fierce than me!
I wonder...nowsaday, is mummy expected to be 低声下气 when talking to child? Cannot scold?
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sleepy:
Sleepy, me thinks its the younger generation now...they tend not to have too much of a thick skin and tend to take things too hard.
I wonder...nowsaday, is mummy expected to be 低声下气 when talking to child? Cannot scold?KoalaMummy:
KoalaMummy, my DD1 says that sometimes too. She's coming 8 and is an extremely sensitive child. I do talk to her, spend some one-on-one time with her and generally hear her out. Her gripe (and I do admit guilt to this) is that I'm \"harsh\" on her - i.e., tend to have greater expectations than say the younger ones. It seems like your boy has the same issue.my 10yo ds says i don't love him. says i love his 2 younger siblings but not him. i'm so sad. how can i show him i love him, he being my first-born son.
So now, I'm conscious that if I mett out disciplining measures, it is deemed FAIR - oftentimes we tend to let the younger, \"cuter\" ones get away with things. When the discipline applies to ALL, it gives a sense of fair-ness.
It's truly a learning experience. And for me, it helped to find out her \"love\" language, and the \"mummy time!\". All the best! -
just now brought DS1 out to marketing...went to in law's place and met the maid who wanted to go out supermart also, so we went together. on the way, DS1 told her (the maid) softly, almost whispering, that he dun want me, only want the maid.
the maid is not the caregiver to DS1 (I'm a SAHM) so I dunno why he said that. and we dun meet often, but sometimes DS1 does go over to play for half a day or so. not very often also.
then when we came back, I asked him why just now he said he dun want me, then he replied, '' now I want u. cos sometime u beat me, so I dun want u. next time, if I do notty things, you dun beat me, you just tell me to stop and I'll stop, ok? :roll: -
My sensitive DS1 says that sometimes too. My response depend on the circumstances. I don’t think we can say it’s always sibling rivalry, or it’s always because we have been harsher or not spending enough time etc. That "You don’t love me" can represent many things - it’s basically a code phrase for - "I’m not happy and you have to find out why."
For DS1, it has, at various time, mean I have to relook an incident and explain to him why he was punished. If I have been overly harsh (let’s face it, sometimes we are tired or have a bad day we will do that), I will apologise and say I"ll try my best to not repeat my mistake. If he is in the wrong, I won’t give way but I’ll discuss with him other ways for him to make amends for his mistake.
There are times when he’s very unreasonable and says he’s unwanted over a tiny tiny thing. :x I will tell him that he’s being very unfair to me and my feelings, and if he persists, I will relate the entire day back to him pointing out all the things that have been done for him or with him in mind. And then ask him again if his view was fair. Sometimes they just lack perspective. Kids mah.
There are times when it simply means he’s having a bad day in school and wants to talk about it. Then it’s just a matter of asking him if something is bothering him and then having a listening ear. This is especially if he’s melting down over small things that don’t make sense. Usually that’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back and his "You don’t love me" just means "I feel so terrible and you should know because you’re my mother."
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