Super stubborn child

[smurf]

that’s why we are considering cc now…I believe that he may need others to tame his behaviors…

[corneyAmber]

When you execute a punishment, you have to stay focused, DO NOT give options that he can get away. Parents need to TRAP bad behaviour, canned it and throw it away.


If my child threw anything on the floor, I would never pick up for her, even at the risk of people staring and criticising me. I would let her know sternly she had to pick it up, either return to the auntie, give it away or throw into the bin but NO OPTION not to pick it up or look to me for help. She has to do it or risk me walking away without her. Sounds threatening but she has to know her place. No room for bad behaviour, even worse when outside with me and misbehave.

[autumnbronze]

smurf:

wah, very difficult task leh...how to control him...when he refuses to say sorry, means he refuses...no room for discussion...even if I take away his favourites...oh, and 1 thing he is very good in...he can cry for hrs...and I mean hrs...can drive one crazy kind...

smurf,

You are not alone. My DS is 2 and a half. He started this 'testing of authority' some weeks back. It doesn't help that he spends time with his grandparents 2x a week who indulge in him. Also my DH and I happen to have v different parenting styles so you can imagine the headache that I have as a SAHM. Seems that everyone is out there to 'outdo' whatever I try to instil in my DS. I tend to be v strict you see. And DS has already caught on on whom he can 'makan' :!:

Anyway, jedamum's advice is sound. I subscribe to what she has mentioned. I have time-out and confiscation sessions. I walk away from the situation or I take away the item. You have to warn him though and if his ability to make decisions is acute, you can give him 2 choices - stop or be punished (of course explain in detail). You have to be consistent as he will pick up the nuance and realize you mean business eventually. Don't give up. I know its v v trying sometimes, esp keeping calm yourself.

I cannot stand it when he starts his tantrum crying and I tell him firmly that I am walking out of that place if he doesn't stop. He actually does calm down after a while when I leave him alone, albeit after the throwing of things sometimes. But I keep an eye from outside. When he has calmed down, I then explain the situation to him and make him pick up every single thing on the floor. He has to be explained to. The key, for me, is that repetition and consistency seems to work. But that doesn't mean that after one session, he will NOT do it again. He will. Thats why I said that repetition and consistency are the fundamentals.

This 'investment', so to speak, will only yield profits in the long term. That is why I agree with jedamum that this is the best time to have a system of discipline implemented. If he refuses to say sorry then, I let him be, for a while. No point having a battle of wills, because no matter how intelligent they are, when it comes to breaking down emotionally, they are totally into it. BUT, suffice to say, I always come back to the matter later and make sure at the end of the day, he does apologise. Better late than never. Rules are rules, but sometimes, as parents, we also have to see the situation and bend a bit. It doesn't matter when the desired response is generated, as long as it is, at the end of that day.

JMHO

[autumnbronze]

smurf:

that's why we are considering cc now...I believe that he may need others to tame his behaviors...

No offence intended, playing devil's advocate here - but he may also pick up undesirable habits?

Its a catch 22 situation ... really need to consider hard the pros and cons.

[smurf]

Thanks ks2me and autumnbraonze for sharing.


You are right on picking undesirable habits when he goes to cc. but somehow, I really need someone to look after him while I cool down. words sometime dun work on him. it does sometime, I guess I still dunno him well enough. all I know is that, if you dun give him what he wants, he will throw tantrum, cries for hrs, and not listening to what I said. He can whine and whine for few hrs! cling on to you, wipe his mucus on you, etc.

when I takes away or dun give him what he wants (when outside), he will scream, shout and literally turn himself on the floor with mucus all over, and he will clings on to me, drag me down, and do all sorts of things. and this can go on and on for a good dunno how many minutes (I never really go and take note of the time cos usually I would bring him out of the place tht we were in so as not to disturb other patrons.

and when I remove him from the place, he will calm down BUT would starts again if I dun give in.

sometimes, I feel that it's not fair to DS1. when I brought them out, and when didi is being notty, we have to go back and no more outing.

[cnimed]

Hi smurf,


to be honest I think you need a short break to recharge more than anything else. Everyone has different styles and many here will advocate stricter discipline and there are important points in that. I would just like to share another perspective that I came to when dealing with my very strong-willed ds2 who can give killer looks and is defiance from head to toes.

At our worst, there was a lot of shouting. I’ve never shouted so much in my life, and he was really so different from ds1 and everything I’ve read I didn’t know what to do. I remember two incidents that made me think - he asked my mother why I don’t like him and that was when he just turned two. Another was when he was screaming and crying and I was so mad and I ordered him to tell me why he was crying. Ds1 calmly said - because he thinks you love me but you don’t love him.

I’ve never caned him but I smacked his bum, something I’ve never done in my five years as a mother. The look of hurt and disbelief on his face made me regret it. But I was still not getting through to him, and I later realised he was also not getting through to me. Thinking things through one night, I realised I don’t know him because I never put in the time an energy I did with ds1. I didn’t sit to observe him just being him. I was too busy ‘managing’ him. I started to just be with him the way I did with ds1, and I started to see his positive lovable sides. I still did lose my temper but one day I asked him afterwards, ‘did I frighten you when I shouted at you just now?’ his eyes began to water and he whimpered and I hugged him and said I was sorry I frightened him. He gave me a confused look and asked if I was sorry that I scolded him. I said no, what he did was wrong but I Shouldn’t have shouted and I didn’t mean to frighten him and that is what I apologise for. He paused and then he apologised for his misdeed all by himself for the first time. After that things just got better. I did also give him more focused attention and I’ve learnt that he’s a real softy beneath that fierce demeanour.

[corneyAmber]

deminc:

Hi smurf,


to be honest I think you need a short break to recharge more than anything else. Everyone has different styles and many here will advocate stricter discipline and there are important points in that. I would just like to share another perspective that I came to when dealing with my very strong-willed ds2 who can give killer looks and is defiance from head to toes.

At our worst, there was a lot of shouting. I've never shouted so much in my life, and he was really so different from ds1 and everything I've read I didn't know what to do. I remember two incidents that made me think - he asked my mother why I don't like him and that was when he just turned two. Another was when he was screaming and crying and I was so mad and I ordered him to tell me why he was crying. Ds1 calmly said - because he thinks you love me but you don't love him.

I've never caned him but I smacked his bum, something I've never done in my five years as a mother. The look of hurt and disbelief on his face made me regret it. But I was still not getting through to him, and I later realised he was also not getting through to me. Thinking things through one night, I realised I don't know him because I never put in the time an energy I did with ds1. I didn't sit to observe him just being him. I was too busy 'managing' him. I started to just be with him the way I did with ds1, and I started to see his positive lovable sides. I still did lose my temper but one day I asked him afterwards, 'did I frighten you when I shouted at you just now?' his eyes began to water and he whimpered and I hugged him and said I was sorry I frightened him. He gave me a confused look and asked if I was sorry that I scolded him. I said no, what he did was wrong but I Shouldn't have shouted and I didn't mean to frighten him and that is what I apologise for. He paused and then he apologised for his misdeed all by himself for the first time. After that things just got better. I did also give him more focused attention and I've learnt that he's a real softy beneath that fierce demeanour.

Great sharing deminc. Very positive outcome indeed.

[cnimed]

Oh ya, during the difficult stage, I asked dh to spend more time with ds1. Take him swimming, run errands, to the car workshop etc. I also let him go to neighbour’s house to play. It’s not good for the older one to be in such an environment. Must rein in the shouting and arrange some breathing space for them. Sometimes a change of environment is good. Playground, cycling etc. Good for everyone.

[autumnbronze]

smurf:

Thanks ks2me and autumnbraonze for sharing.


You are right on picking undesirable habits when he goes to cc. but somehow, I really need someone to look after him while I cool down. words sometime dun work on him. it does sometime, I guess I still dunno him well enough. all I know is that, if you dun give him what he wants, he will throw tantrum, cries for hrs, and not listening to what I said. He can whine and whine for few hrs! cling on to you, wipe his mucus on you, etc.

when I takes away or dun give him what he wants (when outside), he will scream, shout and literally turn himself on the floor with mucus all over, and he will clings on to me, drag me down, and do all sorts of things. and this can go on and on for a good dunno how many minutes (I never really go and take note of the time cos usually I would bring him out of the place tht we were in so as not to disturb other patrons.

and when I remove him from the place, he will calm down BUT would starts again if I dun give in.

sometimes, I feel that it's not fair to DS1. when I brought them out, and when didi is being notty, we have to go back and no more outing.

Hi smurf,

No worries. Hope you manage to find a 'middle ground' to your situation soon.

I do agree that as SAHM, we need to maintain our sanity in order to carry out our responsibilities well. But I also do believe that we will sow the fruits of our 'labour' in the long run

[corneyAmber]

smurf:

Thanks ks2me and autumnbraonze for sharing.


You are right on picking undesirable habits when he goes to cc. but somehow, I really need someone to look after him while I cool down. words sometime dun work on him. it does sometime, I guess I still dunno him well enough. all I know is that, if you dun give him what he wants, he will throw tantrum, cries for hrs, and not listening to what I said. He can whine and whine for few hrs! cling on to you, wipe his mucus on you, etc.

when I takes away or dun give him what he wants (when outside), he will scream, shout and literally turn himself on the floor with mucus all over, and he will clings on to me, drag me down, and do all sorts of things. and this can go on and on for a good dunno how many minutes (I never really go and take note of the time cos usually I would bring him out of the place tht we were in so as not to disturb other patrons.

and when I remove him from the place, he will calm down BUT would starts again if I dun give in.

sometimes, I feel that it's not fair to DS1. when I brought them out, and when didi is being notty, we have to go back and no more outing.

Maybe you can try deminc's approach. Treat your DS2 like your only child for a week and leave your DH to treat like your DS1 like his only child for a week and work on setting the record straight with yr DS2 first. Once the barriers are broken and you understand him better, then you can move things back to normal. Bonding is always important and concerted effort is required.