In-law problems?
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Perhaps it has to do with expectations as parents - many parents probably have this notion that their children will be with them forever. I'm already mentally prepared otherwise.
I suddenly have this very very very weird insane idea that I should filter out those of you here on KSP who are nice + with nice boys, and see if I can matchmake my DD to your boy. This way at least we are more likely to end up happily matched, ILs and all. . . . :idea: Some of the behaviour of parents I've seen in public really scare me (the parents' behaviour, not the kids).
Shessh, what the heck am i thinking.....
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Good Idea!!! :idea:
Maybe we can start a matchmaking agency or something only open to KSP forummers.
Plus all the chinese horoscope matching from the other chat.
hehe... -
pinky:
Dear buds, In x out (opposite)-laws, get it?
Also, for the bad screaming stuff, sarcasm and all things nasty...
IN one ear, OUT the other.. Like the slogan...
\"Only hear the good stuff.\" Hahahaa!
pinky:
Eh, touchwood hor. Dun let history repeat its cycle.We will be MIL and FIL in future so let this be a
learning experience for all of us.
When we are PIL to our child(ren)'s spouses,
be cool only, ok!
Cheers to the future in-laws. (Heheh... we all lah!)
:celebrate: -
EN:
I know the feeling, been there too..I dont understand why until I saw her true colors (she's not staying with us). When we first got married, whenever we go to visit her, as soon as my husband not at my side, PIL starts to attack me verbally. There's a time when we went to visit her as a family, because she is not able to get her way, she and SIL started to scream at my husband & me in front of our terrified kids. I've never been screamed at before so I was shaking as badly as our kids.
We lives in fear for the next few months whenever we went out for dinner. My husband conjunct this scenario \"what if while eating, his mum saw us & hurl abusive words loudly in public against us\". If that happens, he wants me to grab the kids & walk quickly away while he settle the bill..EN:
Ya, damage is the word, EN. Kids being kids, they like to questionBut I guess the damage is done. My kids who witness their outburst are afraid to go to their place again. My ds asked me \"Is that daddy's stepmother?\" While my daughter in school, openly discuss & compare about grandmothers among their friends. I've since warned her not to do it again.
I find it's very sad. I can imagine she's feeling lonely and wanting loves from her four kids. Only issue is that her temperament & her never ending wants makes all her four kids afraid of her.
everything.. I'm glad my kids can feel my sadness inside when
i kena in front of MIL. Didn realise the cud empathise...
They'll be very protective. Hug me very tight and try to pull me inside
the room, hug some more... lie down on the bed together, then the little
one will stroke my hair and massage forehead, going Shh ssh Shh...
relax, relax.. very cute how she displays her empathy..
Elder one will hug me and cry together (if i cry). So many years, my tear
ducts dry up liao. I've passed the aches and crying stage a couple of
years ago. Only tears shed nowadays are happy tears..
Whatever mentioned here is for mere discussion and sharing sake, so
that if there are others out there suffering, you're not alone.
Take it easy, and hang in there. Nobody to talk it out, just come
here and rant... Its hard if its all bottled up. Do share if it makes
you feel better.
Some have it good and smooth sailing.
While others may suffer for a bit..
Unless we go thru the same experiences, we
cannot really understand what others are going
thru'... but having a listening ear might ease the
built up tension.
There's really not much issue of right and wrong.
Everyone has fair share of luck and woe.
Its part of life.
After all that has been said ad done, the experience has matured us,
(me and my family) and made us even stronger as a family - united.
Move forward to a better, happier and more meaningful life ahead...
EN, your hubs sounds like a great guy!
Its nice to hear from you. -
Hey buds,
ok, keep our fingers/toes/eyes cross till then.
In the meantime, be a good daugher-in-law, cheers :celebrate: -
pinky:
Thanks. Dun wori... i have always been very guai (good/well behaved).Hey buds,
ok, keep our fingers/toes/eyes cross till then.
In the meantime, be a good daugher-in-law, cheers :celebrate:
I only suffer from \"internal injuries\" bottling a lot of things inside just
cause i want to maintain the good DIL. It wasn't good for the heart.
But, outside physically... i'm just usually ultra cool.
I shudn't be angry at the world just because this had to happen to me.
All the why.... why... why me.... and the what did i do's.... just wasn't
giving me positive energies i need to live my life. Hence, i've been
pushing myself to find my happiness through positive thinking all this
time and more now after this whole drama is finally over.
I'm the last one standing.
I'm still the one who jaga her.
In sickness and in health...
Till death do us part.
You see, she (MIL) doesn't have a choice either.
She doesn't have anyone else. Heheee!
Here's to me! :celebrate: -
[quote]At least your SIL bothers to apologise, no matter how in/sincere it is. [/quote]
I feel that it is a sincere apologies. However, there's no guarantee history won' t be repeating again. But the poor soul is currently looking after MIL. So, can guess she is extremely stress out. LOL.
Winth, I'm quite envious when I saw my neighbors visits their parents or have their children visits them weekly. Due to MIL temperament, we only meet less than 5 times a year. I did ask my hubby to visit monthly but because we are being screamed at (it was mother's day), he's too scared to visit. When he was young, was always beaten black & blue by his mum. So I can understand how he is afraid to go back. My parents understand how busy life is. If my father don't hear from me long, he will call & start joking around to see how we are. My mum was a working woman. Now that she's retired, she enjoys the quietness at home, resting, watch tv & occassionally, I sent my kids over in the afternoon to accompany her. My parents don't want me to visit weekly or monthly. Suffice to meet when there is an important occassions. My father still works so his precious weekend, he wants time with my mum enjoying their golden age.
Buds, you are sincerely a very patient woman. Persevere & don't dwell upon something that cannot be change. Enjoy the good little things that God has bless you with & I hope your pain will heal.
[quote]EN, your hubs sounds like a great guy!
Its nice to hear from you.[/quote]Must be too much love. Nobody can criticize or scold me. Not even my parents. He will be very defensive if I'm slighted.
Buds, nice to hear from you too. -
Hi Buds,
After reading so much about the \"drama\" issues that happen to you. I always believe very strongly that we cannot be like any of our PIL when we ourselves becomes PIL.
Always welcome our kids and their families with \"open\" heart and a very understanding position to understand them better. :celebrate:
Like yesterday nite was out having dinner with my PIL and MY BIL's Family. In the car my FIL was complaining WHY my son keep asking the same questions over & over again & my FIL gets so irritable abt it. Well I was definitely like this :x and shown my displeasure towards my hubby when the whole dinner things was over. To me kids are kids, they tends to very cusious & ask anything that they want to know.
And worst was stopping my son to do some funny things over dinner table, my MIL start telling my hubby abt me... I totally wanna to scream at my MIL for being total \"KPO\" and always poking into the other people affair when come to disciple our children.
But I would say that you are super cool lor... for enduring all these years. If I am you I will properly go :siao:
I have to :udawoman: to you... super mummy!
LOL -
jawcee74:
Heyya jawcee74,Hi Buds,
After reading so much about the \"drama\" issues that happen to you. I always believe very strongly that we cannot be like any of our PIL when we ourselves becomes PIL.
Yep! Touch wood!
We know how hard it is to get some respect (and some face oso lah)
with our own PIL. We struggle to make our presence known as PARENTS
of our own children, determining how we want our children to be raised,
disciplined and loved.. All amongst us who have suffered under the IRON
FIST, should NEVER turn out to be EXACTLY like the *monster-in-laws
when our time comes. (*quoting the Jennifer Lopez movie - watch the hilarious drama if you haven't) :lol:
Best is, ask our children to prepare to move out if want to get
married. Heheeee.. jawcee74:
Mine does. But under false pretense. Esp if in front of hubs.Always welcome our kids and their families with \"open\" heart and a very understanding position to understand them better. :celebrate:
That started the stress. Welcome... welcome... then, hubs go
toilet only, i kena like anything. I always had to come with
bullet proof vest, ya know! Hahaa! Or else die liao. :lol:
We didnt start out staying with them right away aft marriage... (FYI)
So, during the oh-so-regular-compulsory-visits, i
i will not have to live with them. It didn't come true lah. The decision
was partially cause i pity my hubs. Too long story to input. So put it
at that only..jawcee74:
I know how you feel, in fact i can feel your hurt from that paragraphLike yesterday nite was out having dinner with my PIL and MY BIL's Family. In the car my FIL was complaining WHY my son keep asking the same questions over & over again & my FIL gets so irritable abt it. Well I was definitely like this :x and shown my displeasure towards my hubby when the whole dinner things was over. To me kids are kids, they tends to very cusious & ask anything that they want to know.
alone. Poor you. My heart goes out to you..jawcee74:
Mine does INFRONT of me cursing and the intentional behind-me-but-i-And worst was stopping my son to do some funny things over dinner table, my MIL start telling my hubby abt me... I totally wanna to scream at my MIL for being total \"KPO\" and always poking into the other people affair when come to disciple our children.
still-can-hear BACK WAY... Amazing how she doesn't feel any guilt but
instead outright pleasure. I can retaliate if i wanted to, but bearing in mind
the lessons i learnt growing up respect elders... respect elders... respect
elders.... somehow restrained me. I will not have them get the pleasure of
quoting me as ill-bred. Cos then that wud involve the reputation of my
parents, which will hurt me incredibly more... Hu-xi 1 million times until
hyper-ventilated and ren... with god's help of course.jawcee74:
I got siao oso lah for sure.. but dun show... ultra cool facade... relax...But I would say that you are super cool lor... for enduring all these years. If I am you I will properly go :siao:
like the bullet didn't go thru like dat lor.. hehehee.. No joke ok, when
started to live together mine was a daily continuous doses of sacrcasm,
family politics ( oh yes it exists! ) and pure suffering.
Simple things lilke coffee oso pose issues. Example.
Hubs : Make coffee for me dear.
Me : Ok, sweetie.
MIL : (In the kitchen) Why are you in here?
Me : Hubs ask me make coffee.
MIL : How many times have i told you not to bother..
I've made coffee for my son over twenty years.. I know
best how he likes it. So, ..... (her eyes say, SCRAM!) I
make a pot coffee each time of the 3-meal times of the day,
for my family (READ - MY FAMILY ), so dun trouble yourself.
Me : :siam: ( In my mind, hurray... no need to make... )
Hubs : Where's my coffee?
Me : Mum say i dun need to make, she make whole pot for whole fam..
Hubs : I want YOU to make mine! Go now..
Me : Ok. (Go into kitchen again, shivering liao this time...)
MIL : What are you doing here again? Didn't you get what i said?
Before i cud muster enuf courage to reply that in the most diplomatic
way i couldn't think of, hubs shouted from in front the TV in living room.
Hubs : Mum, I asked her to do it. Once in a while order my wife ok what.
Now let her do it, i want her to practise... to perfection.. You just go head
make for yours and the rest. Thaaanks!
MIL : HERE!!! Suit yourself! ( And stormed out of the kitchen )
:!:
What did i do? :roll:jawcee74:
Yeeeaaah! I'm da woman awrite!I have to :udawoman: to you... super mummy! LOL
Nowadays, she's more than happy when i do it and serve it to her.
Patience is a virtue.
:celebrate: -
sashimi:
Hahaha... I have been quietly browsing this thread and you certainly caught me with your weird insane idea LOL ... Actually not so insane except that you would be planning way way ahead for your DD... So next time when your DD starts dating :please:, one of the items in your checklist would include 1) Are the boy's parent/s registered members of KSP and if so, what are the nics... So that you can do your due diligence and identify what your DD's potential PILs are like
I suddenly have this very very very weird insane idea that I should filter out those of you here on KSP who are nice + with nice boys, and see if I can matchmake my DD to your boy. This way at least we are more likely to end up happily matched, ILs and all. . . . :idea: Some of the behaviour of parents I've seen in public really scare me (the parents' behaviour, not the kids).
The analysis of my situation in relation to this topic. I am currently staying with my MIL, it was kinda expected as it was a pre-nup agreement keke kidding. The plan was to stay on our own when we got married and only consider moving to stay with my MIL after our little one pops out.
My FIL passed away before our marriage and my wife is my MIL's only child. As my MIL was still healthy and active then, it was possible for her to manage staying alone for a short while but probably not for the long term due to age catching up with her and oh well everyone of us as well.
Our son was conceived almost a year after we got married, so by the time we sold our place and moved in with my MIL, we had a good 2 years of having our own space and pte time :celebrate:
No complaints with staying with my MIL, except that mother and daughter can sometimes be mean with each other by provoking and antagonising the other and I do get caught in between at times, but they do sort it out themselves most of the time without my intervention
The topics that I talk with my MIL are limited to issues relating to my son, household matters and of cos help with her computer problems. As with most older folks, they tend to :rant: which can get on my nerves at times but other than that, our relationship is cordial.
But I must add that our arrangement is perfect as I have no complaints with staying with my MIL. Her tag line to us is \"this is your son so you better let me know what you want me to do\", so she is cooperative in this respect. To give credit to my MIL, she certainly is a great help for us in helping out with issues relating to our son:
1. taking care of his meals
2. taking bus to his school on weekdays and then taking cab home or dropping my son at my mum's place (once a week). It's better for her now that we arranged for a school bus to bring our son home, so she only needs to go downstairs to pick him up
3. making sure my son takes his medicine on days he is sick and we're at work,
4. a great reprive for us in that we do not need to worry even if we are caught up in office
From my wife's perspective, she would not have any complaints with my mum. I'm the youngest of many many children by current standards and even during my parents generation, so my mum pretty much had her way and seen it all when she went through the weddings of my brothers and sisters. So when it came to my turn, she just said, do it anyway you want So we got away with just a tea reception and no wedding dinner to fuss about
My mum speaks only hokkien and teochew and very little mandarin. My wife's dialect is cantonese... So their conversation to date is very limited with my wife saying ę©... ęÆ...äøęÆ... å¦... :faint:
No complaints from my mum to me regarding my wife. Only thing she nagged to me abt is how she wished I could bring my son up more often... As I also want my son to be close to my family, he gets to go up to his granny's at least once a week on weekdays and occasionally on some Saturdays as well. My mum has a maid and stays with a brother and sister who are not married, so she is more than happy to be able to fuss over my son as her other grandchildren are all in their teens and a few who have married and have kids themselves. Most times I just drop my son at his granny's and picks him up much later, cos whether I am there or not makes no difference as long as my son is there :roll: as my mum had enough of fussing over me by now. Anyway with a second in tow soon, I keep receiving calls from my mum to go over to pick up either liver braised with vinegar or other nourishing stuff for my wife.
I was very surprised to read some of the feedbacks on in-laws and didn't know that it can be that bad. I guess 家ęäøčå¦ęäøå® does apply for me, as we do benefit from having our parent's generation help out in tending to our younger generation... This is something that I appreciate and not take for granted
P.S. Sashimi... Let me know if you need some background on my wife and I as potential in-laws... For one, we are easy going people kekeke
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