Is it possible to treat your children equally?

[MMM]

I am a mother with 3 kids. Yes we loved all of them. But undeniably, being human, we have the tendency to "favor" one more than the other.


I observed that this is mainly driven by the difference in their character. Eg. My 1st child (girl) is the quiet type, 2nd child (boy) is chatty and cheery. Meanwhile the youngest (girl) is also chatty and super sweet. Even the grandparents are bowled over by the youngest. She is the type who will say good morning when she wakes up. Greet people automatically. Though she is only 4 yrs old, she will chit chat and talk with my mil,etc… she also likes to sing for people. So from a character perspective, she is just so different from my 1st girl. As a result of that, yes, the grandparents tend to "like" her more.

[Funz]

B4 I had kids, I will say no not possible to love equally. Maybe cos I suffer from middle child syndrome. Growing up, I always felt that my mum favours my elder sis a lot more and her attention is focused more on my younger sis, well cos she was the youngest. So I thought that is normal especially for mothers, as they will experience all their firsts with their first born. But at the same time, I tell myself I do not want to fall into that same trap.


Now I have 2 kids of my own, I realise that the love for them is pretty equal but our method of expressing it to them is different due to their different characters.

[corneyAmber]

Before I click into this, I thought this would be raised by a parent with many kids....and facing some issues. To my surprise, the parent is similar to my situation so I guess I now qualify to respond too..


I think certainly as parents, we will love all but never equally, not even twins. In all human relationships, it is the same. Even from our parents to us, it is never equal.

By birth, this condition is already set. This is from \"Animal Farm\".....

Men are born equal, some are born more equal than others.

Human interaction requires constant effort, not stagnant......So even the love proportion can shift from kid to kid from time to time....

So though I have one now, I cannot be certain that I will love number one better if I have a number two or vice versa. However, since I only have one, the only certainty is I will love her the best.

[jedamum]

i believe all of us strive to love our kids equally, but how they perceive our love for them will definitely be different; ie we nag at them to sleep early cos we love them and don't want them to be sick, but they think that is cos we love them less. :roll:

[ChiefKiasu]

jedamum:

i believe all of us strive to love our kids equally, but how they perceive our love for them will definitely be different; ie we nag at them to sleep early cos we love them and don't want them to be sick, but they think that is cos we love them less. :roll:

Wise words from our jedamum!

[tamarind]

markfch:

I'm a parent of a single child. I don't think that I can love anyone more than I love DS (ok pls don't lecture me that my priorities are wrong, I know that too). I often wondered if I were - notice the past tense here - to have another kid, is it possible for me to love both of them equally. If I can't love them equally, is it possible at least to treat them equally?


I've serious doubts that I am able to do so. Surely my limited quota of love is consumed by DS already. Even during my growing up years (I've 3 siblings), I noticed that my parents were not immuned to this issue as well.

So for the more productive parents out there, what is your take on this?

The title of this thread uses the word \"treat\", not love. I do believe that it is possible to treat our kids equally. I have a very calculative daughter who always remind me to be fair to her and her brother. I just do as she says

As for love, it is limitless and I don't think it can be used up on one child.

For example, we have two kids A and B. A is very independent and prefers to do things on her own and does not like to bother the parents. B is very sticky to the parents and need more help and attention. Then naturally our hearts will feel more for B right ? But that does not mean that we do not love A, just not in the same way.

[3Boys]

markfch:

I'm a parent of a single child. I don't think that I can love anyone more than I love DS (ok pls don't lecture me that my priorities are wrong, I know that too). I often wondered if I were - notice the past tense here - to have another kid, is it possible for me to love both of them equally. If I can't love them equally, is it possible at least to treat them equally?


I've serious doubts that I am able to do so. Surely my limited quota of love is consumed by DS already. Even during my growing up years (I've 3 siblings), I noticed that my parents were not immuned to this issue as well.

So for the more productive parents out there, what is your take on this?

There is a quota on time and energy, but there will never be a quota on your love. Remember the first wail when your son was born? Did you not automatically love him from that first instance you laid eyes on the bloody, grubby mess? You weren't even trained for it, it just happened.

It'll be the same for the rest of your (future) children, you will love them all unconditionally, and in my view, loving them equally is the easy part.

Treating them equally, whoa nelly! That's a whole different kettle of fish. They have different personalities, idiosyncrasies, and believe me, sibling rivalry is a BIG thing. It will be tough, but that's parenting.....

[markfch]

tamarind:

The title of this thread uses the word \"treat\", not love. I do believe that it is possible to treat our kids equally. I have a very calculative daughter who always remind me to be fair to her and her brother. I just do as she says

Yes my question is whether it is possible to be treat your kids equally. In other words, fairly. I actually think that it is easier to treat your kids equally, but impossible to love them equally.

By that I meant if I had 2 kids, if I were to send the 1st kid for violin lessons, I'll make sure that I can also afford the same opportunity for 2nd one. If I can't afford to send both, then I won't send either. Must be fair mah.

But I don't think I can love both equally as I will always favor the more 'talented' one or the one that makes me prouder.

[corneyAmber]

I tend to agree with markfch that love can never be equal because we are emotional beings. Yes, it is true that parents’ love is unconditional in that if there is a crisis, parents will not care about themselves and sacrifice for the children regardless whether it is 1, 2 or 3…etc… ALL must be saved.


However, during non-crisis situation, this unconditional love will still move into some form of categorisation and will not be an equal distribution, simply because we are emotional beings, we do go according to how we feel about things at times though we try to dissuade ourselves in our minds. For example, how much "most recent" quality time a parent spends with a kid will certainly influence the weightage of that child in the heart of the parents, it’s only human.

[jedamum]

3Boys:

There is a quota on time and energy, but there will never be a quota on your love.

It'll be the same for the rest of your (future) children, you will love them all unconditionally, and in my view, loving them equally is the easy part.

Treating them equally, whoa nelly! That's a whole different kettle of fish. They have different personalities, idiosyncrasies, and believe me, sibling rivalry is a BIG thing. It will be tough, but that's parenting.....

I agree.
I agree.
I agree again.