O Level Child: At my Wits end, need advise

[sharonkhoo]

Let him fail badly enough that he will have to repeat his O levels? That is tough on him, but it may be what he needs to wake him up, and better sooner than later. That’s about the only thing you haven’t tried. The main thing I see is that he doesn’t really want the grades badly enough, and you can’t easily make him change that. It could be that he is confident that a few weeks’ studying right at the end will be enough to get the grades he needs? If he has that kind of pride, there are 2 ways things could go - he could be right (in which case his "fall" may come later on in life) or he could fail (which will be a good lesson). Either way, I don’t see that you can do very much about it now.


What does he do on his laptop and phone? Do you think there is an addiction issue, or is he spending time there simply beause he doesn’t have interest in his studies? If the former, you could try cold turkey and remove them except for essential purposes (but be prepared for big fights); if the latter, it’s back to finding out why he lacks motivation.

For some kids, it could be that life is too comfortable, and they don’t understand that they cannot sustain that level of comfort unless they earn enough, which means they need to have a certain level of education. Perhaps he thinks that he will inherit enough to make it unnecessary to support himself? You could try giving him a tour of the poorer parts of Singapore, making him take a good look at income and expenses, maybe get him to take on a low-paid job during the weekends and vacations to drive home the message. If you can bring yourself to take more drastic measures, project his eventual income based on his current results, and let him live at the level (or as close as you can simulate) which he will need to live at - no nice food, clothes etc, no phone or laptop (or the most basic), no aircon, only public transport, minimal pocket money, etc. Tell him that he needs to understand where his behaviour is bringing him, and it could be what will wake him up.

If you have a faith, that is possibly another avenue. Tell him to make good use of his God-given talents, and to do otherwise is ingratitude to God.

Hope some of these ideas help.

[vividlaurel]

slmkhoo\" post_id=\"1902265\" time=\"1552354651\" user_id=\"28674:

Let him fail badly enough that he will have to repeat his O levels? That is tough on him, but it may be what he needs to wake him up, and better sooner than later. That's about the only thing you haven't tried. The main thing I see is that he doesn't really want the grades badly enough, and you can't easily make him change that. It could be that he is confident that a few weeks' studying right at the end will be enough to get the grades he needs? If he has that kind of pride, there are 2 ways things could go - he could be right (in which case his \"fall\" may come later on in life) or he could fail (which will be a good lesson). Either way, I don't see that you can do very much about it now.

What does he do on his laptop and phone? Do you think there is an addiction issue, or is he spending time there simply beause he doesn't have interest in his studies? If the former, you could try cold turkey and remove them except for essential purposes (but be prepared for big fights); if the latter, it's back to finding out why he lacks motivation.

For some kids, it could be that life is too comfortable, and they don't understand that they cannot sustain that level of comfort unless they earn enough, which means they need to have a certain level of education. Perhaps he thinks that he will inherit enough to make it unnecessary to support himself? You could try giving him a tour of the poorer parts of Singapore, making him take a good look at income and expenses, maybe get him to take on a low-paid job during the weekends and vacations to drive home the message. If you can bring yourself to take more drastic measures, project his eventual income based on his current results, and let him live at the level (or as close as you can simulate) which he will need to live at - no nice food, clothes etc, no phone or laptop (or the most basic), no aircon, only public transport, minimal pocket money, etc. Tell him that he needs to understand where his behaviour is bringing him, and it could be what will wake him up.

If you have a faith, that is possibly another avenue. Tell him to make good use of his God-given talents, and to do otherwise is ingratitude to God.

Hope some of these ideas help.

Thanks slmkhoo!

Repeating O levels is a really scary thought! This morning my husband had a go at him and threatened him that if he does badly enough to get posted to ITE or fails his O levels, he will stop talking to him! That is why this option is really not something I even want to contemplate.

He plays games on his laptop and phone. We have decided to go cold turkey with him from now on. The only issue with the phone is that school work is to an extent done there. I've already reduced his laptop usage to a large extent but now will get him to stop using it completely. I have also told him that unless there is a significant increase (minimum 2 grades) in grades during the mid-year exams, he will be spending his June holidays doing test papers.

It's a serious lack of motivation plus the arrogance that he will be able to study at the last minute and get away with grades. I wonder how I can address that?

I think the last part of your answer is something I can and should do. I have been telling him earlier that with the kind of grades he gets, the kind of education he will be eligible for and the income he can expect from that will not give him the kind of life he is currently used to. But to actually live that life - that may be the key to waking him up. Thanks for that tip, will start applying it on him starting today.

[sharonkhoo]

vividlaurel\" post_id=\"1902270\" time=\"1552356680\" user_id=\"2712:

Repeating O levels is a really scary thought! This morning my husband had a go at him and threatened him that if he does badly enough to get posted to ITE or fails his O levels, he will stop talking to him! That is why this option is really not something I even want to contemplate.

He plays games on his laptop and phone. We have decided to go cold turkey with him from now on. The only issue with the phone is that school work is to an extent done there. I've already reduced his laptop usage to a large extent but now will get him to stop using it completely. I have also told him that unless there is a significant increase (minimum 2 grades) in grades during the mid-year exams, he will be spending his June holidays doing test papers.

It's a serious lack of motivation plus the arrogance that he will be able to study at the last minute and get away with grades. I wonder how I can address that?

I think the last part of your answer is something I can and should do. I have been telling him earlier that with the kind of grades he gets, the kind of education he will be eligible for and the income he can expect from that will not give him the kind of life he is currently used to. But to actually live that life - that may be the key to waking him up. Thanks for that tip, will start applying it on him starting today.

Sometimes letting a child reap the consequences are the only way. Don't protect him from his father's threats. Why not just let him be from now till his mid-years and see what results he gets when he's left to manage on his own? Better to let him get a rude shock now than later. Since he's quite strong, he should be able to make up for it later in the year. Of course, he may have that confidence anyway, in which neither route (forcing him to study, or letting him do what he likes) will do much.

Rather than threaten him with test papers in June, I think it would be better to threaten him with no pocket money, no privileges and forcing him to get a job if he wants any money. That should help him realise that he can't earn much without even O levels.

As for his phone, check it for him rather than let him have free rein, and take it away from him when he's not working. Or get him the most basic phone you can find!

Actually, have you asked him what he really wants to do in the future? Even if he's bright, does he want the \"typical\" route - O levels, A levels, university, profession (doctor/lawyer/engineer)? Perhaps he would be more energised and motivated if he could see some other route in his future?

[vividlaurel]

slmkhoo\" post_id=\"1902278\" time=\"1552357696\" user_id=\"28674:

Sometimes letting a child reap the consequences are the only way. Don't protect him from his father's threats. Why not just let him be from now till his mid-years and see what results he gets when he's left to manage on his own? Better to let him get a rude shock now than later. Since he's quite strong, he should be able to make up for it later in the year. Of course, he may have that confidence anyway, in which neither route (forcing him to study, or letting him do what he likes) will do much.

Rather than threaten him with test papers in June, I think it would be better to threaten him with no pocket money, no privileges and forcing him to get a job if he wants any money. That should help him realise that he can't earn much without even O levels.

As for his phone, check it for him rather than let him have free rein, and take it away from him when he's not working. Or get him the most basic phone you can find!

Actually, have you asked him what he really wants to do in the future? Even if he's bright, does he want the \"typical\" route - O levels, A levels, university, profession (doctor/lawyer/engineer)? Perhaps he would be more energised and motivated if he could see some other route in his future?

Yes, I think I should do that! Will speak to him when he is back from school today and see what he says. I plan to take away all phone privileges and will only allow phone usage under supervision.

Maybe I should force him to go and look for a job so he can see what he can earn with basic qualifications.

He has a good idea of what he wants in life - in fact, this particular subject has been a passion with him since he was 4-5 years old. He will definitely not be going the A level route, his MT is very bad and so he wants to go to Poly and do the subject he is passionate about. In recent years, he has developed an interest in another, similar subject, so perhaps when he reaches uni (if that), he would like to marry both subjects. That's why I want him to do well in O levels because the entry for poly for both the subjects is in the low double digits.

In fact later, I plan to show him this whole post and the responses, so hopefully, he gets where we as parents stand.

[sharonkhoo]

vividlaurel\" post_id=\"1902285\" time=\"1552358574\" user_id=\"2712:

In fact later, I plan to show him this whole post and the responses, so hopefully, he gets where we as parents stand.

You may not want to show the whole thread! Kids don't like to know they are being manipulated, and this is actually what is being done here. Done for the best motives, but it's still manipulation. Better to just verbally tell him that you are helping him to make decisions based on realistic probabilities, heping him with self-control, and trying to save him from the pain of failing to get what he wants.

[Funz]

Vividlaurel, everything you have written is what I am going through with DD right now. Just had PTM with her teachers yesterday. From ranking top few % in her cohort last year to totally dismal grades for her recent CA. All her teachers have said that she seems to be very distracted since the start of the year. DD is very sure what she wants to aim for and MT is also her most hated subject so she is opting for Poly. Likewise the course that she wants require has a low single digit entry point.


I can pinpoint her distraction to a few things. Her being to involved in her CCA and it is tournament season so she is also missing classes. Her closer friends in schools are actually all her seniors who have all graduated. While waiting for their results they were working and those heading for Poly are still pretty free now. So she has been rather distracted by them.

Spoke to her and told her it is her own education and it has to be her own effort. She knows what she wants and we all know she has the capability to get what she wants with some effort. I sound like a broken record because we went through a similar conversation when she was in primary school nearing her PSLE. End of the day I told her, if she thinks wants to just cruise on and not put in any effort and will accept any grades what comes with this and is ok with whatever route she ends up in, be it repeat, poly or ITE, we will be ok with it as well. However, like it or not, most of her peers will be moving on and she will be left behind so don't end up regretting. If she put in minimal effort and cannot get the course that she wants, again, don't cry, don't regret because we have already gone through with her what it takes to get what she wants but she did not work for it. Ball is in her court.

I don't know what advise to give you regarding your DS, cause I am also winging it with DD and keeping my fingers crossed and sending a million prayers a minute. So can only :hugs: and tell you hang in there.

[hercules]

Think first thing first is to stop the nagging. The more you nag, the more the child is likely to do the opposite that you want.


Contain your own anxiety. When my son was nonchalant about studies (actually since primary level), I let him be after assessing that he is not 'stupid' and he is healthy (the two more essential criteria that I hope my child would have). At all times I maintain close bond with him while waiting for him to be more matured.

He spent his first 3.5 years in sec school happy go lucky with my only expectation from him was I dont want any teacher to call me and if he could meet this, he could lead his own academic life.

Around beginning of Sec 4 I started to plot 'future' with him, mapping out if he had this grade he could do this or that or go there or where. We identified a cooking school if he didnt do good enough for his O levels. He liked that coz he loved to cook. After that session, he was off to cruise on his own again. That was the only session I had with him about 'preparing for O levels' (I dread nagging).

Came around June of his O levels year, he started to want to work harder and indeed he did for those few months and ended with a score good enough for JC but at the end he settled with a poly course of his interest. I was happy with that milestone that he reached on his own - to discover own motivation with no nagging.

In my family, we dont practise 'threat' or 'bribe' kind of tactics (we find these 'childish' and most time futile). We exercise more on 'respect' that all have their own brains to know what to do, and if really can't decide wisely, then just have to face consequences squarely (even if 'regret' is also a good learning process).

If your son is 'not stupid' kind, a few months maybe enough to buck up all that he missed (dont need to be extremely bright type but cannot be 'slow'). May not obtain straight As but can be good enough (L1R5 about 15).

So perhaps from now till June, you and your spouse may want to just hold your nags and wait for him (can never force a cow to drink water if it doesn't want to. The cow is likely to kick back.). This period will be the real test of your 'unconditional love' for your child (go back to the basics of why you love your son).

*I have another friend's son also similar to my son. Only studied for a few months and obtained grades good enough.

**I have a nephew who will also be taking his O levels this year. In our strategy, we have decided that he will 'drop' Chinese (just get a Pass) while trying for straight As for other subjects. This morning he texted me:


https://postimg.cc/hhN1rynd

He told me might as well also try to get a better grade for Chinese by attempting to read one by one.

Above is his own motivation as like many other kids, he doesn't like to study for Chinese (so there is minimal use if I try to shove chinese into his throat. This cow wants to drink water himself.).

[sharonkhoo]

hercules\" post_id=\"1902313\" time=\"1552366731\" user_id=\"14947:

Think first thing first is to stop the nagging. The more you nag, the more the child is likely to do the opposite that you want.

Agree with this. Say it once, and then leave it to him. But you can make it serious - call parent-child conference, say what you have to say, then stop. Some kids routinely tune out parental voices because they go on and on. But parents make their words few and meaningful, they have greater impact.

[Giggler1]

I agree to stop all naggings. Just had ‘parent-child conference’ with my P6 DS last Sat. Conclusion is that he can study and revise on his own and will accept whatever results he may get however he requests for my help for Chinese. So we agreed that we will go through Chinese vocab every evening starting with P5 words together. He will plan the revision the other 3 subjects himself. I want him to learn to take responsibility of his own actions when young. At the same time, I don’t feel stress whenever I see him holding his hp or watching TV.