Child Feels Left Out

[peasants]

This is a good time to build up character core by joining more activities, meet more friends.

[rainbow_icecream]

hi, what kind of activities do you suggest for someone her age? I don’t have a lot of friends with kids around her age to do play dates with also. She is also currently in 2 other enrichment classes (play kind and not academic), I think this helps a but when she makes new friends. Still can’t compare to seeing her classmates daily vs once a week classes.

[peasants]

I would say any form of martial arts. One which could be practising at home leading to the next lesson and grading. More importantly, it build up both strength and mental to overcome feeling of being left out, by being more independent. Friends, classmates, pets, they just come and go.

[Shek]

peasants\" post_id=\"1948035\" time=\"1574413808\" user_id=\"75885:

I would say any form of martial arts. One which could be practising at home leading to the next lesson and grading. More importantly, it build up both strength and mental to overcome feeling of being left out, by being more independent. Friends, classmates, pets, they just come and go.

I agree with what you have said. Nothing lasts forever and that is a good lesson our children should learn at a very young age. What is more important is to develop their coping mechanism so that when they get old they would not be surprised and they can overcome the challenges the would be facing.

[zac's mum]

rainbow_icecream\" post_id=\"1947984\" time=\"1574409228\" user_id=\"182457:

My 5 year old daughter used to close to 2 other girls in school but is no longer so. These 2 girls get along better and will choose each other when pairing up. Also, they do private play dates outside of school. Obviously, they very much prefer each other's company than to my daughter's. So much so that when my daughter asked if they can pair up next time, they will agree but not do it. Sometimes, they even tell her that she can't join them.

This has affected her and she no longer looks forward to school. She tells me that she is sad too. There's other classmates who like to play with her in school but she prefers these 2 because of similar interests in the kind of things to play. She also prefers to play with girls rather than boys and have the notion that she has to have \"best friends\". There a many more boys in her class than girls so this doesn't help.

I have advised her to try playing with others so that she may discover other fun things to play in the process. I have also arranged for play dates with these 2 girls and some other children before but now I am thinking if it's better to just exclude them and invite others so my child can have the opportunity to foster relationships with other children.

This has been ongoing for a few months and of course it saddens me to see her this way. Please advise how should I manage this tricky situation.

This is the best solution right now.

At age 5, your girl is still unable to understand your explanation of “try playing with others” without a concrete practical example. You can facilitate this (for now) by arranging the play date without those 2 distractors. Then when she is comfortable playing with some other girl classmates, she will have some friends in school to play with, rather than harping on her own feelings of the 2 leaving her out. She is probably led by what she *sees* right now. Very concrete stage.

Later, when she is more mature, then u can talk to her more about friendships. She probably needs to learn at some point, that her “preference” for playing with some people more than others...is something that happens in schools, workplaces, society, everywhere there are people, actually. While we should all try to be inclusive, ultimately there are preferences. It doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end. So find ways to overcome it. U can’t force people to like you. Making new friends is one way. Being happy & secure playing alone is also another way.

Find out where she got the notion that she has to have “best friends”. This may have been perpetuated by the girl clique in school. Honestly, I heard many all-girls primary schools & all-girls secondary schools have this b*tchy culture. Dunno where the girls learn to tell each other, maybe even their yesterday BFF: “I don’t want to go recess with you. Because I don’t like your face!” If she can’t accept this then look at sending her to a co-ed Primary.

[peasants]

Shek\" post_id=\"1948155\" time=\"1574464677\" user_id=\"180772:

peasants\" post_id=\"1948035\" time=\"1574413808\" user_id=\"75885:

I would say any form of martial arts. One which could be practising at home leading to the next lesson and grading. More importantly, it build up both strength and mental to overcome feeling of being left out, by being more independent. Friends, classmates, pets, they just come and go.

I agree with what you have said. Nothing lasts forever and that is a good lesson our children should learn at a very young age. What is more important is to develop their coping mechanism so that when they get old they would not be surprised and they can overcome the challenges the would be facing.

Yes, after which, put it into practical. My elder girl met this cocky opponent from polytechnic, going around taunting people. I told dc go face this moment of truth, the ugly side of the society and reality despite menstrual cramps. I got the match recorded and it definately has heuristical effect on the girls character buildup thereafter.

[rainbow_icecream]

zac's mum\" post_id=\"1948167\" time=\"1574467108\" user_id=\"53606:[quote=\"zac's mum\" post_id=1948167 time=1574467108 user_id=53606]

rainbow_icecream\" post_id=\"1947984\" time=\"1574409228\" user_id=\"182457:

My 5 year old daughter used to close to 2 other girls in school but is no longer so. These 2 girls get along better and will choose each other when pairing up. Also, they do private play dates outside of school. Obviously, they very much prefer each other's company than to my daughter's. So much so that when my daughter asked if they can pair up next time, they will agree but not do it. Sometimes, they even tell her that she can't join them.

This has affected her and she no longer looks forward to school. She tells me that she is sad too. There's other classmates who like to play with her in school but she prefers these 2 because of similar interests in the kind of things to play. She also prefers to play with girls rather than boys and have the notion that she has to have \"best friends\". There a many more boys in her class than girls so this doesn't help.

I have advised her to try playing with others so that she may discover other fun things to play in the process. I have also arranged for play dates with these 2 girls and some other children before but now I am thinking if it's better to just exclude them and invite others so my child can have the opportunity to foster relationships with other children.

This has been ongoing for a few months and of course it saddens me to see her this way. Please advise how should I manage this tricky situation.

This is the best solution right now.

At age 5, your girl is still unable to understand your explanation of “try playing with others” without a concrete practical example. You can facilitate this (for now) by arranging the play date without those 2 distractors. Then when she is comfortable playing with some other girl classmates, she will have some friends in school to play with, rather than harping on her own feelings of the 2 leaving her out. She is probably led by what she *sees* right now. Very concrete stage.

Later, when she is more mature, then u can talk to her more about friendships. She probably needs to learn at some point, that her “preference” for playing with some people more than others...is something that happens in schools, workplaces, society, everywhere there are people, actually. While we should all try to be inclusive, ultimately there are preferences. It doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end. So find ways to overcome it. U can’t force people to like you. Making new friends is one way. Being happy & secure playing alone is also another way.

Find out where she got the notion that she has to have “best friends”. This may have been perpetuated by the girl clique in school. Honestly, I heard many all-girls primary schools & all-girls secondary schools have this b*tchy culture. Dunno where the girls learn to tell each other, maybe even their yesterday BFF: “I don’t want to go recess with you. Because I don’t like your face!” If she can’t accept this then look at sending her to a co-ed Primary.[/quote]

Thank you for your advise! This is precisely how I am feeling. I am not thinking of bailing her out of a situation. More like showing her now when I can and when she still too young to fully understand what I mean when I say choose to play with others and give it a try to find other qualities you like.

Just today, she got upset again and I told her people who make you feel bad are not good friends. Those that may you feel good about yourself are good friends. Why chose to play with others who make you feel bad? She wants to invite these 2 friends again to the play date just because they will treat her nice at our house (but not so in school again she said)

I think it will be a long journey for me. I intend to send her to an all girls school. Hahaha... I myself was from one so I understand what kind of culture you are talking about. But I have met friends who are like this and are not from single ed schools too. I think girls are generally more social creatures and wants to outshine each other in social ways. Unlike boys who chose to outshine in abilities. Also, girls are more cliquish for sure.

[rainbow_icecream]

peasants\" post_id=\"1948213\" time=\"1574479325\" user_id=\"75885:

Shek\" post_id=\"1948155\" time=\"1574464677\" user_id=\"180772:

[quote=peasants post_id=1948035 time=1574413808 user_id=75885]I would say any form of martial arts. One which could be practising at home leading to the next lesson and grading. More importantly, it build up both strength and mental to overcome feeling of being left out, by being more independent. Friends, classmates, pets, they just come and go.

I agree with what you have said. Nothing lasts forever and that is a good lesson our children should learn at a very young age. What is more important is to develop their coping mechanism so that when they get old they would not be surprised and they can overcome the challenges the would be facing.

Yes, after which, put it into practical. My elder girl met this cocky opponent from polytechnic, going around taunting people. I told dc go face this moment of truth, the ugly side of the society and reality despite menstrual cramps. I got the match recorded and it definately has heuristical effect on the girls character buildup thereafter.[/quote]Hahaha.. :goodpost:

It's so satisfying when we are able to teach our kids to overcome hurdles like this. I hope mine will by the end of preschool.

[rainbow_icecream]

Thanks for all your wise words, please keep the comments coming. It’ll definitely help in helping my kid face such situations. After all, this won’t be the last time she will have to deal with such situations.